Alison Armstrong 3.0: Sex, Shame, and What He Fears Most | #203

Men Aren't Misbehaving in Bed. They're Terrified of Failing You. Alison Armstrong is back for round three, and if you have followed her work on understanding men since 1991, you already know she has a gift for making male behavior finally make sense. If this is your first time meeting her, buckle up, because she is about to change how you think about every man in your life. In this episode, Leah Piper and Dr. Willow Brown sit down with Alison for a raw, funny, and genuinely eye opening conversation about why so many men quietly give up on sex as they get older, and it has almost nothing to do with wanting you less.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS

• Men often quit sex due to shame after erectile dysfunction, not because their desire for their partner has faded.
• Shame is worse than emasculation because it disconnects a man from his own spirit, while emasculation only affects his sense of productivity.
• Sexual feedback lands best as gentle, judgment free clues rather than direct criticism, what Alison calls the warmer, colder, hot approach.
• Many men experience direct questions as interrogation, so framing feedback as an invitation, like asking permission to share favorite moments, respects their need for productivity and control.
• Alison's new concept, the ever presence of death, reveals how men's quiet awareness of mortality shapes their drive for purpose, protection, and honor in relationships.

LINKS & RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE CAN BE FOUND ON THE WEBSITE: http://sexreimagined.com/alison-armstrong-why-men-stop-having-sex 

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One woman told us she walked out having shed sixty years of shame in a single weekend. That's what happens in a room where women are finally given permission to feel what's true. Rooted in Desire is an intimate retreat blending pelvic floor release, tantric breathwork, and sisterhood. Join us in Santa Barbara, Jan 30-31, 2027. Register Here 

Transcript

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Welcome and Guest Intro

Willow 1:33

We're so excited and looking adorable according to Alison Armstrong, who is with us here today. We could not be more thrilled. She is one of our sheroes and just a queen in this whole industry of helping men and women really deeply understand each other, which is a huge proponent to having amazing mind-blowing sex. So welcome to Sex Reimagined. I'm Dr. Willow Brown. I'm here with Leah Piper. We are the co-hosts of Sex Reimagined. We're so thrilled that you're here, and you are going to just love our interview today with Alison Armstrong

Leah 2:09

So please tune in, turn on, and fall in love with Alison Armstrong

Announcer 2:14

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined podcast, where sex is shame-free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show

Catching Up With Alison

Alison 2:22

Ah, thank you

Leah 2:24

Yeah. Welcome back

Alison 2:26

I'm

Willow 2:27

is our third interview with you, Alison.

Alison 2:29

To hear. How long ago was the last one?

Leah 2:32

I think 2022, 2023

Willow 2:35

Yeah.

Alison 2:36

Turning to, wow. Okay. Lots to catch up on

Leah 2:40

Yeah, lots to catch up on. We're really excited about the new things that you've been researching. everything having to do with men from what I hear. So where do you wanna jump in in regards to partnership, relationship, communication, but most importantly, sex?

Alison 2:59

Oh, boy.

Why Men Quit Sex

Alison 3:00

So, I, I know that you know that I started in 1991 when I found out I was bringing out the worst in men, and this question popped into my head: What if men are responding to women? And there are few areas in which men are responding more to women than in sex, and if they're not responding to her, she may not be a trusted source of information.

Leah 3:33

Hmm.

Alison 3:33

Yes. So I, I wanna put a pin in that one

Leah 3:37

Okay

Alison 3:38

so we can come back to that one. And I'm 65 now, so when I met Dan on the phone almost six years ago, the first thing I told him was that my husband was-- my late husband is still very much involved in my life and probably picked him. so that was one of those if you're gonna run, run now statements. And then we went from that topic, which he did not run at all. He leaned into it. It was beautiful. And we went from that topic to, that what I've really been looking for is a lover, and is sex still part of how you envision your life right now? And I ask that because I had encountered through my work with other people and with men That there are a lot of men who sign off of sex as they get older, and they largely sign off of it because they've had one or more incidences of erectile dysfunction, and they-- and the failure to be able to perform is so brutal to them, that they just, "Let, let's just snuggle."

Willow 4:57

Yeah. They're like, "Well, I don't wanna go there. Let's

Alison 5:00

They don't want it. You know, anywhere that they have failed deeply, they never wanna go there. So if they've been divorced, they may never want to marry again. They don't wanna be hurt that badly. If they failed... I know a man who was just br- brutally criticized about how he was a father by his n- not so healthy wife, and so when he met the love of his life, it was n- no children. "We will have no children." Like he just, he was just sure he was a terrible father and wouldn't do it again. yeah, so it's wherever... Like, and even like it goes, it will last. Like, you know, I, I, I couldn't confront being a father, so I abandoned my children and am deeply ashamed of that, but they're-- he's better off without me, right? I'll just, I should just, I-- it doesn't matter if I go to his high school reunion. I, I, his high school, you know, graduation. I should just stay away. They're, they're be- he's better off without me. And that's something that men pay attention to so much is being, having, they-- who they wanna be with is someone who they know that person is better off with them, and the person knows they're better off with them and they need that feedback. And yeah, and they need us to keep telling them, "I am so lucky to be with you. I'm so much... Can I tell you the ways I'm better, my life is better off 'cause I'm with you?" They need to hear it because unbeknownst to women, because they do it in silence like most parts, and it's not a misbehavior, it's how they're put together, is they, they hold themselves to Superman, even godlike standards. Like they, they have this thing that they'll be deeply ashamed about, "I should have been there. I should have been there." That's called omnipresent. Or my body was there, but I wasn't really there for her during that time. I checked out. I should've been there. And they know this about themselves, and they're-- They don't ev- they don't, they don't wanna feel like that again. They don't, they never wanna hurt us.

Willow 7:24

Do

Alison 7:24

we have to attack them brutally before they actually have a desire to hurt

Leah 7:29

嗯

Willow 7:30

Hmm.

Shame vs Emasculation

Willow 7:30

Do you think for them it's a feeling of emasculation? Like when they, when they feel like they're in that failure state and they don't want to try again? Does it feel like, "'Cause I will feel emasculated?"

Alison 7:43

It's worse than emasculation. It-- because

Willow 7:47

Okay

Alison 7:49

emasculation is a hit on the masculine survival instincts and energy. one man said it this way 'cause we're-- I was talking about how afraid women were to tell men what they need because they don't wanna hurt their feelings.

Leah 8:09

Mm-hmm.

Alison 8:10

And his name is Tomer, and he said, he said, "I am not emasculated if my feelings are hurt.

Willow 8:18

Mm-hmm.

Alison 8:19

emasculation does not hurt feelings. Emasculation is diminishing my ability to produce results."

Willow 8:26

Hmm

Alison 8:28

Yes. So not providing enough information and feedback to men in bed a- before and after bed, i- it's one of the biggest ways we emasculate men, which is we withhold quality, actionable information. We withhold it or we give it to them with horrible timing. We give it to them when they're focused on something else and they can't hear. Yeah. Or

Willow 9:02

it.

Alison 9:04

not a trusted source because we say something will work and then they try it and it doesn't work, and it doesn't work because... And this is something if you wanted to have fantastic sex, which what I texted Dan, Going on interview, Sex Reimagined. Thank you so much for helping me with that." with these flame emojis, right?

Dan and Radical Acceptance

Alison 9:31

And because I, I mean, I was, I literally was in love with Greg. I, I'm still in love with Greg. I was in love to, in love with him up to the last moment of his life, and I'm still in love with him, and he's still so much a part of my life, especially since our, our grandson is crazy like him. Like, just like, like you can tell they've been hanging out. He rec- he was one years old when he recognized Greg's picture. Like it just, it's like, okay, I, I... Yeah. They've been, they've been...

Willow 10:07

They're

Alison 10:07

that's a whole other thing about Greg's ability to alter his vibration and visit Earth, which is wonderful. But it's, if we We didn't, I didn't know how well we didn't communicate until, until I met Dan. And Dan has this superpower of acceptance

Willow 10:30

Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Alison 10:35

It's crazy cool acceptance. And like,

Willow 10:39

medicine

Alison 10:40

yeah, like early on, you know, being nakey, in the early part of being nakey nake, I was-- I just confessed, which I recommend whatever you're self-conscious about, just confess. And I said, "I'm kinda self-conscious 'cause I feel chubby right now." And he said, "You're not chubby." And then he went, "Oh, you're a little bit chubby, but it's all good." I looked at him, he goes, "I remembered truth is your love language." I never felt so good about being chubby than I

Leah 11:15

Meirav

Willow 11:15

Uh-huh, mm-hmm

Alison 11:17

ever did in that moment. And another time I was pre- like, self-conscious about the squishy parts. He's like, "We all have squishy parts."

Willow 11:26

Mm-hmm.

Alison 11:27

And everything about being human, including sexuality, he's just... It, it's all

Blueprints and Chronotypes

Alison 11:37

good. It And so on the other end of it, because I was committed, I was committed to this, we, we... Did we talk on the phone? Yeah, we had talked on the phone I think once. And I sent him, Jaya Love's link, the lo- the Erotic Blueprints. And I sent him another one to Dr. Michael Bruice's work, The Power of When quiz, 'cause these are two things that Greg-- Well, we never found the Erotic Blueprints, but The Power of When changed our lives. But it was like a year before Greg died. So these are-- Yeah, and both The Power of When, which is about when your body releases the hormones that determine things like sex drive. So why I would be wanting sex with Greg at 8:00 AM, at 8:00 PM, while he wanted sex with me at 6:00 AM.

Willow 12:31

Right

Alison 12:32

And I, I was like, "Jesus," right? No, it's, it's biological. It's genetically determined when those hormones fire off. So I sent Dad both those links and, and I was just gonna find out. I'd heard he was into personal growth. Really? Only one kind. What kind? Is he open? And within like, like two hours, he, he sent me the results of the Dr. Michael Bruice quiz, which has saved our lives. He's a bear. And if you don't know about chronotypes, find out about chronotypes. He's a bear, I'm a dolphin. I wake up full in the morning. I force work it by having all these things to say. And he-- before 9:30, no questions.

Willow 13:19

No. Like,

Alison 13:20

So,

Willow 13:21

I'm not available yet.

Alison 13:23

yeah, really between 10:00 PM and s- 10:00 AM and 7:00 PM are legit social sexual hours for him. And I... And then the Erotic Blueprints, he sent me back the results.

Willow 13:39

What is he?

Alison 13:41

He's perfect.

Willow 13:43

He's perfect. He's all of them.

Leah 13:45

Yeah

Willow 13:48

Well, this is Sex Reimagined where

Alison 13:50

That's private. That's private information, you know? But, but I will tell you, I will tell you when I saw the results, my first reaction was, "Wow, you're a playground." Yes.

Leah 14:03

that gives some insight.

Alison 14:04

Yes. And then, and then, So the first... Oh, we had a-- we, we got together on Skype, I think. It was the first time I saw him, but I couldn't really see him. It was very dark. I didn't know what he looked like till I met him at the car dealership I asked him, and this was before we were met in person, because I knew that the blueprints and I... What I hate about the erotic blueprints, even though it works, is that you have to say all yes or all no to these categorical lists of things, of turn-ons and turn-offs. And the wh- whole time I did it, I was, I was pissed. "This is not precise enough For me, I would have liked to have a list and check all of them, right? Yeah. And so, and so I asked him questions having to do with his blueprint, remembering some of the questions that would have gotten some of the things, and that I was not a yes to everything.

Trusted Source in Bed

Alison 15:05

But it was awesome because it began this... So the word, the word is-- you can use two different words. One is try and one is reach, and they're very close together. So this is why it matters to watch when you're talking to a man, does he lean in? Like physically, his, his body's literally muscle testing in front of you. Is, is he leaning in? If you say like, if you say something like, "It seems like you don't like me very much." he's like, "Huh?" Right? Or stony face, you're right. If he leans in, "What? What makes it seem that way?" Right? So seems like instead of accusing them of something or trying to tell them what's true for them, seems like it leans in. You know, they'll lean into it, and so you can say, "Seems like you're hesitant to do the thing that I asked you to do in bed."

Willow 16:06

Mm-hmm.

Alison 16:07

"Well, I am. I didn't work." Right? So the seems like carries with it the willingness to be wrong, the desire for verification and clarification. And to go back to what I was originally saying, not being a trusted source is we l-literally have to play the warmer, colder, hot game. you grow up with the warmer, colder, hot game? Not

Willow 16:34

Yeah. Yes, we did. We're in that generation.

Alison 16:38

Yes. So they-- I think, I think it's still done. I think it's lasting.

Leah 16:43

Yeah. Hotter, hotter. No, cold, cold, cold

Alison 16:46

Just

Leah 16:46

when you're looking for something

Alison 16:47

not, not everybody in the UK as far as I know, or other-- not everybody everywhere. So,

Leah 16:54

Yeah

Alison 16:55

so the... Often our reaction to men in bed is, "I, I told him what I wanted and he's still clueless," right? He's just bumbling around, he's clueless. Well, take it literally, clue less. Needs more clues.

Willow 17:13

Clue

Alison 17:15

And if you demonstrate you're a trusted source of information, then they e- you're a person to ask directions from. "Is this it?" "A little to the left." And then they can tell by your authentic sounds,

Willow 17:35

Mm-hmm,

Alison 17:35

the hand clasped over your mouth 'cause this is not an appropriate place to make that sound. S-

Willow 17:40

Mm-hmm.

Alison 17:42

so it's, it-- they w- they wanna hit the bullseye. They so badly wanna hit the bullseye. They do. And so they, they need assistance. And again, fairly early on, let's call it the first three months, Dan said, "What's that like when I do that to you?" And, and I, I thought about it and I wanted to, I wanted to soften it. I wanted to

Willow 18:12

do I say this?

Alison 18:13

neutralizing it, and then I like, nope, we tell the truth around here. I said an- annoying. Well, then I better stop." yeah, he did it. Take a hit. And so this is why like the shame w- why shame is worse than emasculation is because emasculation just diminishes a person's ability to produce results. And it happens to us, too. So if you think of masculine as all about results, feminine all about space, and it-- r- we're like our bodies, an unoccupied space, and compassion, and connectivity, connectivity, connectivity. And so we're trying to protect the connection with them. We don't want them to disconnect from us, so we try to soften the information that would allow them to be more productive, and they are focused on being productive, and they connect through the productivity. They're connecting through it working, not through it not working, and I don't know what to do, I give up. Is that

Willow 21:07

Hmm

Alison 21:07

making sense?

Leah 21:09

It's-- Yes, mostly.

Alison 21:12

Okay, go ahead.

Leah 21:13

so so

Alison 21:13

There's more.

Leah 21:14

mean, I, I hear you saying a lot of things. Like one is tell men the truth, give him clues, give him information, because he's dedicated to creating a result that makes you happy, that gives you fulfillment, that gives you pleasure, 'cause he wants to win, and he wants you to win. but also don't soften it. Tell it like it is, which could get some women, I would think, in trouble because there is a-- they do get their feelings hurt. they do feel criticized. They do feel shame. So how do we do this well?

Alison 21:52

I can't tell you, but it's attitude.

Leah 21:55

Okay

Alison 21:56

And most women's attitude is in the domain

Coughing Up the Truth

Alison 22:00

of misbehaving. You're not doing, you're not doing what I told you to do on purpose 'cause you're stubborn or dense or don't care about me, right? I shouldn't have to tell you. You ought to know this by now. You're a, you're a grown ass man, and this is embarrassing and uncomfortable to me, and I shouldn't have to tell you this.

Willow 22:26

Right

Alison 22:27

you should have read a book by now. Read She Comes First, by golly. Right?

Willow 22:35

I, I feel like this comes out in tone a lot. The, the attitude comes out in tone a lot. In fact, I was just walking in the neighborhood this morning, and I heard a man and a woman talking, and I c- man, the tone coming from her was he, he was just dense in her mind. You know? That's what was going on, and it's... and the poor guy was, trying to communicate, you know? So it's just like... I think as women, we also, like you've spoken about, Alison, as women, we get really full in ourselves where we haven't taken out the trash, we haven't emptied ourselves, so we don't really quite have the capacity to like, whew, take a deep breath, get into a place of curiosity with them, and then, like, communicate from that place of a different attitude

Alison 23:18

yeah, and I mean, if for that, on a, it's-- I made it a long time ago after an interview with Arial Ford. It's called Coughing Up the Truth, and it's in three parts. How do you prepare yourself to cough up the truth? So the degree of clarity you need to have, and then what capacities do you need to be embodying? Don't cough up the truth angry or impatient. It will always go badly. And so how do you prepare yourself for coughing up the truth? And then this... It's called cough it up, blow it up, clean it up. And we try to cough up the truth without blowing anything up. So in our minds, we've already scripted them, and we're trying to find our script that will get their script and, and, and we're all wound up energetically, and they can tell something's wrong. And then that they should already know, the expectation that they already know or they're purposely withholding this or just doing what-- They're selfish. They, they don't do that 'cause they don't like it. They don't really care that much about what they like if it gives you pleasure.

Leah 24:35

Right. True, true

Alison 24:37

They care about what you like, and that's who you wanna be in bed with. And on top of the things that you said, Leah, about pleasure and pleasing you, and they-- but they also wanna give you what you need. And, and when-- and if you think of women and sex, there's what we need, and that has to happen before we can actually receive pleasure, receive love, receive feeling beautiful and sensuous and taken care of. There's things that we need. And so it's-- there's so much more we have to say than we want to 'cause we feel really vulnerable. And, and so on top of everything else, we're pissed that we have to say something. And so the tone Willow... I have inter-- I've had people, like, mock, you know, what I'm teaching, and they'll work on the tone, and they'll have this really nice tone, and underneath it is a dagger. Underneath it is a fist just waiting to fire off. And they are-- they're like a thousand times more sensitive than we think they are They are highly perceptive. They're highly empathetic. Whether they know it or not, they are, and we don't treat them gently like that.

Willow 26:05

Mm-hmm.

Alison 26:07

And ai-yi-yi-yi-yi. So the, the clues, and the trick is with warmer, colder, and hot, is can you give warm and cold clues with an equal lack of emotion, an equal lack of condemnation? No condemnation. Those are just, just cold and warm clues. And because of how Dan was being, and I was being very brave bringing up these questions

Aftergame Highlights Feedback

Alison 26:37

ahead of time, and then I was being very brave a-after. I forget how many times we'd had sex by then when I got really brave and s- and knew he's, he's such an athlete, and I, I have studied men through sports so much, and watching sports with him is awesome. And, and I, I said, "You know how there's the after game show with all the highlights?" And he, and he's like, "Yeah." I said, "Could we do that?" And it was after game in that moment.

Leah 27:16

Yeah.

Alison 27:16

"Could we do that?" He's like, "Sure. What are the highlights?" And so I got to tell him, I, and I got to tell him in detail, right? And he-- And normally they don't care that much about detail, but in these incidences, they care about detail. "When you

Leah 27:34

Yeah

Willow 27:34

know how to do

Alison 27:36

this like that, and you did this like that, and that felt like that, and that made me that," and, "Oh my God." And, and, and, and then when they're full of warm clues, then like, "Is there, is there anything I should do better? Is there anything I shouldn't do?"

Willow 27:53

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm

Alison 27:54

Well, yeah. It, it just has to do with timing. Every part of my body needs foreplay.

Willow 28:04

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

Alison 28:05

Approach slowly from the outside in.

Willow 28:11

Yeah. Yeah

Alison 28:14

Oh, okay.

Leah 28:15

Mm-hmm.

Alison 28:16

G- shall I try right now?

Leah 28:20

Yeah. Yeah, you could practice. Let's try my feet and my fingers.

Alison 28:26

Like little arms. Exactly. It's like don't go, don't go straight for. Like go straight for the nipple? Ow. You don't have to go straight

Leah 28:36

I know

Alison 28:37

for the clit. Ah. Everything's gotta be warmed up. And I, I just know that for me and, and plenty of women and even they are that way. They, they... Oh my gosh. so

Leah 28:53

Well, I wanna just pause here because I think this is really important, feedback for listeners is when you have had an intimate experience, a part of that pillow

Men Hate Questions

Leah 30:55

talk afterward, a part of that, you know, whether that's cuddle time or aftercare, depending on the kinda sex you're having and the kinda language you use, be able to start asking questions, and let's help each other learn how to find the words that convey what was a delight and what are the little adjustments, so that you are both showing up in curiosity to learn how to be each other's great lovers. I think some people have a hard time even coughing up, I like the word, the term you used, coughing up, coughing up Like, describing with language the parts that opened them, you know? It, it's like some people are just so shy to even say the word nipple, to even talk about their clitoris, to, even say blowjob. I mean, it's like th- th- it all gets caught in their throat. And for us all to be more brave in describing and talking more openly about these details having to do with sex and lovemaking, it's the only way we're gonna get better

Willow 32:04

it's actually so hot when you talk about it.

Alison 32:07

It,

Willow 32:08

that vulnerability piece of it... go ahead

Alison 32:12

Sorry, I just have to caution though, because, 'cause you, you, Leah, you said questions, asking questions.

Leah 32:23

Mm-hmm.

Alison 32:24

And

Leah 32:25

Yeah, where did we get in

Alison 32:26

What we're look, what we're looking for in the questions and y- okay. So women have favorite questions.

Leah 32:37

Hmm

Alison 32:38

And I teach men to find out the favorite questions of your, your wife, your daughters, the people you work with. the women you work with, what are their favorite questions? Because if you ask a woman one of her favorite questions, which I have never, ever, in the hundreds of women I've checked in with, "How are you?" is not a favorite question. "How are you?" is a request for a, a report. and,

Leah 33:06

Hmm

Alison 33:07

and this was one of the things that showed up in what's happening. I'm doing research for the sequel to The Queen's Code

Willow 33:13

Oh, that's exciting

Alison 33:15

Yeah, I didn't think I had a lot of research to do. And I found out instead, I found out instead I missed, I missed the, the biggest difference between men and women. In all these years, since 1991, I missed the biggest difference between men and women.

Leah 33:35

Which is why

Willow 33:36

Which is? You gotta tell us

Alison 33:38

I promise I will tell you, I promise I will tell you, but first I asked, after teaching men about women's favorite questions, I'm like, "So, so men, what are your favorite questions?" And this was our Understanding Women workshop, co-ed. And the men-- I had to learn, first of all, that when men are going like this, it doesn't mean they're blocking the communication.

Leah 34:03

So everyone, Alison is crossing her arms and like folding

Willow 34:06

leaning back

Leah 34:07

his, their body in and she's

Alison 34:08

over, cross their chest. Yeah. So their shoulders are the heaviest part of their body. They cross their arms so their diaphragm and sometimes their belly is holding up their shoulders

Leah 34:25

Oh, interesting

Alison 34:26

It's for comfort. So-- And I thought they were closed down until they're like, uh, like, "Are you disagreeing with me? Is none of this landing? I-- You have your arms crossed." It's just comfortable.

Willow 34:39

It's comfortable."

Alison 34:39

It's just comfortable. Yeah, so I'm interpreting it as they're closing off. No, it's not. It's often a way that they can now pay attention 'cause they're comfortable.

Willow 34:48

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Alison 34:49

so I a-asked them, I'm like, "O-okay, so le-let's just do a survey. What are your favorite questions?" And no hands went up. And no hands went up, and I'm waiting 'cause, you know, they commit to the question, and then they answer the question. It had been long enough for them to commit to answering the question of what's your favorite question. No hands went up. And I'm looking at all these, I'm like, "So what's going on?" And this one man just shook his head. He said, "No questions."

Willow 35:17

Hmm.

Alison 35:17

Nooo?

Leah 35:18

a favorite question,

Alison 35:19

I'm like, "No questions?" I said, I said, "No, no questions? What, why no questions?" And, and another man called out, "They don't want any questions." This is why I interrupted Leah this way, like, "Wait a second." And I, I said, I, I said, I said, I said, "Why don't, why do, what, what is it about questions?" And another man shouted out, "I don't wanna be interrogated." And I was like,

Leah 35:53

Wow.

Alison 35:53

"Whoa." And then I said, "How many questions does it take to make an interrogation?" One man with his arms crossed went like this One.

Leah 36:04

damn it!

Alison 36:06

one

Willow 36:07

That's why we need girlfriends

Alison 36:09

I have a solution for this. I have a

Willow 36:11

Okay, what

Leah 36:12

God. 'Cause I am like, oh my God, that just makes me feel like I gotta be mute.

Willow 36:17

I feel like I am a guy sometimes 'cause I get annoyed with all the questions too.

Alison 36:23

Yes. It-- So here's the trick, Leah. Don't ask any questions.

Leah 36:30

Mm-hmm

Alison 36:31

It-- That's like, that's like saying, "We can go into the playground, but only if we go on the swings.

Permission and Respect

Alison 36:40

You wanna play?" We can communicate. My questions. You're gonna answer my questions. Let's connect. Answer

Leah 36:45

preferences. Yeah.

Alison 36:48

my questions 'cause I have all these things on my mind that are really bugging me, so now is the time you're gonna answer my questions. It's my turn.

Leah 36:56

Yeah, interesting

Alison 36:57

Yeah. Instead, what if you opened a gate and invited them, "You wanna come into the playground?"

Leah 37:05

Mm-hmm

Alison 37:06

And they, and they could go anywhere. They could go on the monkey bars. They could, they could go on the slide. They could play in the sandbox. They could do anything they wanted. And so instead of a question, it could be, "Can I tell you my favorite parts?"

Leah 37:25

Mm-hmm. That's still a question, but

Alison 37:26

Sure.

Leah 37:26

okay.

Alison 37:28

But it's a permission question.

Leah 37:31

Mm.

Alison 37:32

It's not a question of them, it's a permission question. "Could I, could I tell you some of my favorite parts?"

Leah 37:38

Got it.

Alison 37:39

If he doesn't answer, he might be asleep

Leah 37:41

Mm-hmm.

Alison 37:42

s- sex spends testosterone and they've gotta recoup the testosterone by resting, so that's why they fall asleep.

Leah 37:49

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Alison 37:54

'Cause that was really fun. I'll tell you more about... We'll have the after game later. but, but I mean, favorite parts or can I, can I tell you the thing you did to me that was amazing?

Leah 38:07

Do you have to even ask or can you just talk about it? Can you just go, "Can I tell you what j- I'm gonna... Oh, let me tell you my favorite part." You know, where it's you c- you have to ask

Willow 38:15

ask

Leah 38:16

if they're up for hearing it? Can't just launch?

Alison 38:21

launching, launching is not respectful.

Willow 38:25

Hmm.

Leah 38:25

Really? Even with great enthusiasm? Let me tell you what I loved. God, that was so hot. My favorite part was

Alison 38:33

New Kids

Leah 38:35

You're all lit up in the afterglow?

Alison 38:36

try. I'm gonna ask you to try.

Willow 38:38

As long As you're reading the moment

Alison 38:42

Yeah, but I'm just gonna ask you to try because while most women Are attempting to survive through connecting all the time.

Leah 38:54

Hmm

Alison 38:55

Most men, and this lasts until about 60 years old, maybe someone might be in their 50s, they're surviving through productivity. so the most important thing to them is respect. Because if they're not respected, their productivity is it, it's not just cut a little bit. It's like, it's minimized.

Leah 39:22

So asking permission conveys respect

Alison 39:25

Yeah. As does, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Leah 39:30

Mm-hmm

Alison 39:31

It-- I'm sorry to interrupt is a validation that what he's doing is legit, and mostly women think what men are doing is not legitimate, so we feel like we have the right to interrupt. Plus our diffuse awareness is interrupting us constantly, so we didn't even-- we don't know the sense of peace that their focus gives them. Like if you, if you watch what he's doing, assuming he's in a meditation of that.

Leah 39:58

Okay

Alison 39:59

Like they're always in this meditation of that. And so ways to conview-- convey respect, and in our Understanding Men program, we have a whole flip chart of showing respect, all the ways to show respect. And asking for a time to talk, when would be a good time for y- when would be a good time for you? That's caring about what's good for them instead of, "I need to talk now, and I don't care if it's good for you or not."

Leah 40:28

Mm-hmm.

Alison 40:29

This is all in the domain of partnering, which they, as independent as they're determined to prove they are, as are we, they crave partnership. They're, they're actually... Im-impregnation is a team sport between the different sperm. And, you know, if you want, you know, sperm wars, classic sperm wars, right? And, you know, the one-- the, the blockers and the killers and the runners. And in-interesting that the female, the female sperm are blockers trying to get through because the assumption is there's another man's sperm in there, right? But that's why they're slow, just like the blockers are on the football field. So it's, It helps if we just assume that there almost nothing is gonna be like what we would do naturally. We would, we would get, we would

Willow 41:23

it makes

Alison 41:24

be so much better. And so an invite into the playground would be, even could I, could I tell you some of my favorite things you did? Sure.

Willow 41:37

Yeah

Alison 41:37

and then would you, would you like to tell me anything that, that was good for you so I can do it again and maybe even do it better?

Leah 41:49

Mm-hmm

Alison 41:49

Well, yeah. Oh my gosh, a woman who's... Wow, without-- she's asking for feedback. But, but be kind, you know? Or like Dan wanted me to try something that I'm like, "Oh," I just told him, "Only if you promise to coach me gently."

Willow 42:09

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Alison 42:11

And he did, and I did. And but all these, these ways of reaching towards each other gently, with respect, no entitlement, no demand, it's, it has-- it, it'll keep the connection, it'll keep the snuggle in it. And then it becomes delicious and erotic and titillating for next time. And They're so sensitive, and they're sensitive to being respected. They're sensitive to being demanded from. They, they-- It's why they want sex to be spontaneous, because they wanna initiate it when they know they're horny and they think they can count on an erection. And yeah, and as men get older and their testosterone levels drop off, they're not, uh, they're not stimulated by a memory w- with a boner. They're not, they're not as easily stimulated. Mostly m- more and more, they will need something physical. They'll literally need to be handled.

Willow 43:23

Mm-hmm,

Alison 43:24

if we're used to, from our youth, that they walk in with a stiffy, then we think them not, "Oh, he doesn't want me. He's not attracted to me. He's not excited by this." It just needs to be more physical. And this was one of the things that... And I'm gonna go to that biggest thing I learned, because it has to do with men's health, and it's even bigger than men's health. But men's health and their hormones, their, how much

Erection Partnership EP

Alison 43:56

rest they're getting, how much stress they're on, under, has everything to do with erections. And it-- Dan had a stent put in his heart, and I'm reading from cover to cover all the instructions about life after cardiovascular surgery. And the warning was that the medication that he'd have to be on for a year often produced erectile dysfunction, and to see if he can be patient and compassionate. And my reaction to it was actually to articulate what we'd already been doing, which I, I call it, I call it the EP. It's the erection partnership.

Leah 44:44

Okay.

Willow 44:45

Umm,

Alison 44:46

and what was so, what's so great about it is you could also call it the VP, because it's like, wait, excitement, desire, and excitement and, and heightening that. This is a team sport. This is a partnership. So I'm not entirely responsible for getting wet, and you're not entirely responsible for getting hard. So what can I do for you? What can I do f- for me to get us to this place where, "Ah, now!" How do we do that? And, and with the acceptance of they're not misbehaving by not knowing what to do, by not knowing. They don't know about what's happening with our lubrication as we're getting older, menopause, post-menopause. They don't know. They can think we're not really into it.

Leah 45:44

Right?

Alison 45:44

We don't really wanna do it 'cause they don't know this stuff. And so if we can be in partnership and, and, and ongoingly, right? It's not just to get it that way. It's, it's like we teach in Understanding Women. I imitate men. Um, I- you can see me air hump on stage. And if, if you watch Understanding Women on, on our website, not the Audible version. I, I don't even talk about sex in the, in the old, old Audible Understanding Women, which we're gonna take down. But, um, yeah, the erections depend on stimulus for them, and they... That's why we keep changing up so that they can keep, they can keep the erection, and which is also why w- we have to tell them, "That's exactly it. Do not stop for anything."

Leah 46:42

Uh-huh.

Alison 46:42

And they think staying hard is the most important thing. No, staying right there is most import- more important than you staying as hard as you can be. Soft on that spot will do more good than hard

Willow 46:56

Yeah, yeah.

Alison 46:59

on another one. Really? Really? They're just gonna get so excited 'cause they have all these myths. There's so many myths about sex, like we do. So yeah. So it's in- The more inviting we can be, the more respectful we can be, the more tender we can be, and the more s- more truthful we can be. And, and then follow up. We've gotta follow up. "Hey, you remember that thing I told you at, in the after show? Could we do that now? You

Leah 47:32

Uh-huh.

Alison 47:33

want that now? Yeah, could we do it now?

Leah 47:36

Uh-huh.

Alison 47:38

I especially like that when you do that when you're lying on your left side." Ooh.

Willow 47:47

whole, this whole asking, um, asking them, sort of setting it up with the question like, "Oh, can I tell you, can I tell you what I really liked?" I feel like this is just so important for, for everyone, for all genders. Because it sets the tone for like, I'm about to share something that might be hard for me to put words to. It might be vulnerable. I might not be someone who talks about sex very freely and openly. And so it really like sets everyone up for success when, when you say, "Hey, can I tell you what I, what I really enjoyed?" Or, or even, "Hey, can I, can I tell you what I wanna do to you?" You know? And that can like set up for future stuff. I mean, that's been one of the hottest questions I've been asked by, you know, a lover, and it's fun. It starts to get the mind going. It starts to get the body going and opens up so much more possibility when we kind of pre, preempt. Also, it, it provides us enough time and space to like, okay, now I've got the mic. I'm sharing something here, and if I need to pause in between words to think about what I wanna say next, then I've got that sp- It's like you're setting up a little container for yourself to share.

Alison 49:03

Yes, you're right, and you may have to be more specific. Um, "This is hard for me, so please let me get all the way to the end of what I have to say before you, before you interject or ask me anything." Because their

Ask For Space

Alison 49:19

brains naturally go to, "What's the point?"

Leah 49:23

嗯

Alison 49:23

And it seem like, like, "This is hard for me." What's the problem?

Leah 49:28

Right

Alison 49:29

wonder what the problem is. So it's, um, there isn't any problem. I, can I tell you, can I tell you why, can I tell you why I scream so loud? Sure. this is hard for me to be this specific, so can you, can, can you wait all the way to the end, and could I actually show you what you did that was so good?

Willow 50:00

Yeah

Alison 50:01

What, what part of me do you need? So that... And yeah. And so it's- Okay. Are you, are you ready for the, the biggest thing

Willow 50:12

We're ready. We're, we're on the edge of our

Alison 50:14

And this has everything to do with sex and communicating about sex.

Willow 50:21

Great. Perfect

Alison 50:23

All right It's not quite a year since I've learned this. It dropped down in my head just like, what if men are responding to women?

Death And Desire

Alison 50:31

Years later, what if no one's misbehaving? What if there's a good reason for that? What if no one's misbehaving, including you? Self-acceptance, hugely sexy. And I had s- started downloading, you know, the Queen's Code is channeled, right?

Willow 50:48

Yep

Leah 50:49

Yep

Alison 50:49

keys of the kingdom. So I started downloading the King's Code two years ago, and was getting like trailers, and they, and it ha- it had me in tears. I was just s- tears, tears streaming down my face. It's so beautiful, and whoa. And, and then it took a while to set aside time. So

Leah 51:13

Wow

Alison 51:14

And then I was in the kitchen, I was walking to the sink, and this thing dropped in my head The ever presence of death

Leah 51:25

Hmm. That's the difference between men and women

Alison 51:28

What? Well, the difference, Leah, and I've, I've now talked to so many men about this. Not a single, uh, denial, not a single detect. They just, they just nod. It took me three months to say it to Dan, I was so worried. I talked to s- I talked to so many men and, but was afraid to talk to him, and I finally brought it up to him. He said, "Yeah, it's at night, yeah."

Leah 51:58

Death?

Alison 51:59

Death. Death. The ever presence of death. And so I would say it, they'd go, "Yeah." Yeah, a young man in Romania says, "Yeah, I fall asleep at night often thinking I coulda died today, or I might die tomorrow." And they just, they just nod. And I-- But as I started inquiring into what if there's a good reason for that, and what if, what if it... And what does it connect to? And it's literally been connecting to everything I learned about men in the previous 35 years. And including who we are for them. And so I started getting to contrast it, and it-- and they y- they nod. They add on. We are women. We embody the ever presence of life

Willow 53:01

Hmm.

Alison 53:02

They live with the ever presence of death. It's right there. Can I say that out loud?

Willow 53:08

Yeah

Alison 53:10

So when I first discovered this, I was, I was talking to a man that I met at the big tent, and amazing, amazing mentor in many ways. And, and I was telling him about this, and he's like, "Yeah?" And, and I said, "Well, it makes perfect sense. The ever presence of death, why not eat it, drink it, and fuck it? Why not? I could be dead tomorrow. I could be dead immediately afterwards." Right? Why not? And so all this struggle I'd been having with Dan, and I had with my husband about his physical health and and contributing, contributing to illness, contributing to a lack of energy, contributing to feeling bad, doing things that his body clearly objected to. And I, I ended up, I had to be with it for like four months before it finally connected, all these men validating it. this man said-- I asked a panel of men, I, I put the question in: What makes a woman worth dying for?

Leah 54:25

Hmm.

Alison 54:25

And the man who elected to answer that question, and the other men nodded when he answered it. He said, "A better question is what makes a woman living, worth living for?"

Willow 54:39

嗯

Alison 54:39

What makes a woman worth living for? And I didn't understand it. But the fa- dying is simple. Dying is easy. Death is right here. It could happen any minute. They're, they're not-- They don't wanna die. Most of them aren't afraid to die. The, the biggest thing they're afraid of is dying for no good reason. They are totally up for dying for a good reason.

Willow 55:11

Mm-hmm.

Alison 55:12

It'll even... And I, I, I said this to some men, and they all nodded. They will even choose to die to protect the life of another man that he thinks the people that are important to him will be better off. They'll be better off in his care than in their care. He, he's the one that'll get him out of this mess, so I'm gonna protect him

Willow 55:38

So does this point back to honor being like one of the sort of north stars for men? Yeah

Alison 55:46

Yeah. And honor, one of the biggest things that men don't know is that shame, which they experience

Honor Versus Shame

Alison 55:55

when according to their very high standards they have failed, and this is why it's worse than emasculation, Willow, because-- And it was my husband who taught me this. He said, "The worst thing about shame is it separates you from your spirit."

Leah 56:11

Right. Totally

Alison 56:12

This is why it's-- when it even occurs, this is one of the few feelings that men and women have in the same place,

Willow 56:18

Yeah, in

Alison 56:18

in the chakra of self. We disconnect from ourselves, our true selves. This is why it's way worse than emasculation. Emasculation just affects productivity.

Willow 56:31

Mm-hmm. That's an interesting

Alison 56:33

their whole sense of worth as a human being, and men think that the feeling of shame means they're dishonorable. And so they've been more ashamed to be dishonorable, which for them the definition is to do the right thing no matter how you feel

Willow 56:55

Hmm.

Alison 56:56

No matter how you feel. Yeah, yeah, she's, she's smelly. She's smelly, but it's not my preference, but it's what she really needs right now. I'm going down.

Willow 57:11

Do the right thing

Alison 57:12

man that, another man that like, you know... I know a man who said, "I, all my women, I tell them not to bathe for four days before we're gonna be together."

Leah 57:21

Some men like it ripe.

Alison 57:22

Ripe yoni. Ripe yoni. But, but so I just wanted to bring it back. This even applies to sex. Doing the right thing in bed for a man is to make her come.

Leah 57:33

Right

Alison 57:33

if we don't know... And I act this all out in, in Understanding Women for, for the men. They need to know it so badly. How first... My friend Leslie was the one who said it. For m- many a time, trying to have a orgasm is like trying to catch fish with your bare hands.

Leah 57:53

Yeah

Alison 57:54

Yes, it can be hard work. And on the Dennis Prager show, he said, "What are we talking about today, Alison "I wanna talk about how husbands could have more sex if wives could have fewer orgasms." He said,

Willow 58:06

Mm-hmm.

Alison 58:07

You, you said that wrong. You, you meant..." And you know, he said it the way he thought it

Oxytocin And Orgasms

Alison 58:12

should go. I said, "No, I didn't."

Willow 58:14

Mm-hmm.

Alison 58:15

And let- let's unpack this. She's, she's had a long day, and, and, and y- you're present to sex, and you know you wanna do it. And the, all the value of sex is right there for you, so you, you know, put your, come up behind her and put your arms around her and say in her, your, her ear, "Let's do it."

Leah 58:34

Mm-hmm

Alison 58:35

Thinking that's gonna have it be completely present to her.

Leah 58:39

Right

Alison 58:40

instead, uh, if she hasn't built enough oxytocin, she can't have an orgasm in the first place, and she has no desire to do it. And in fact, she has a sense of dread about having sex because even unconsciously, she knows that she doesn't have enough oxytocin, and the sex will spend it, oxytocin, and she will end up feeling less close to you, less bonding to you, and depressed that the sex will leave her depressed And so, it's like saying, you know, Honey, you've done so many great things today for me. I just have one more thing due you, and I'm gonna And it's not only that I need a release of sex, I'm gonna keep you awake until you have one too." Because I, like all human beings, am projecting my needs onto you. I'm deciding and providing without verifying. And that's what this, this big section about orgasms. I just, I am pro-choice orgasm. We should get to decide. So even asking, "Honey, do you, do you need an orgasm? Do you want an orgasm?" "Nah, let's just do you. That's satisfying for me at this time of night. Let's just do you." So even telling them things like free parking or, you know, I-- no good wood should go to waste. If I'm awake, you know, just slip it in if I'm wet enough, you know? Or use some spit and slip it in. It's not a bad way to wake up. Just make sure it's after whatever the number is. 6:00 AM, 7:00 AM, 8:00 AM, 8:00 PM. Anyhow, it's the ever presence of death is what has men not think about their health long term,

Leah 1:00:34

Hmm

Alison 1:00:34

you know? Like a month or two or three months out, let

Purpose Keeps Men Alive

Alison 1:00:38

alone years out un- unless they need their bodies to fulfill a purpose that is driving their life.

Willow 1:00:47

Hmm. I was gonna say, but there's a lot of men who are thinking long term about their health. But yeah, they're,

Alison 1:00:53

Yes, because they have a re-

Willow 1:00:54

they are using their body

Alison 1:00:56

they're using their body. They have a reason to be alive, to stay health- to stay alive and to stay healthy.

Willow 1:01:06

Like even like having children, right? That's one reason

Alison 1:01:10

Having children, seeing the children. I got to watch it with my dad. He,

Willow 1:01:17

Mm-hmm.

Alison 1:01:18

he should have died much younger, much younger. But he kept picking who he wanted to see graduate from high school. And m- my son was the first grandchild for my dad, but my brother didn't have any sons. And s- and so when my brother's son was born, his fifth kid um, my dad was-- That was my dad's new goal. "I wanna, I wanna see Isaiah graduate from high school." And like, "That's cool, Dad." I didn't remind him the kids were homeschooled and there would be no graduation ceremony That didn't really seem important. And, um, but yes, if they've gotta have a for, they've gotta have a reason to live for, because the purpose gives them focus and literally the f- when they focus, it screens out everything irrelevant, including death

Leah 1:02:18

Well, that's interesting statistically because they say men who are married live longer. They say men with daughters live 18 months longer for each daughter that they have.

Willow 1:02:29

Oh, that's interesting. I haven't

Leah 1:02:31

whereas women live longer not being married.

Alison 1:02:35

Well, yeah. And, and dads are, and dads will live longer until has a good man to take care of her.

Leah 1:02:45

Mm-hmm.

Alison 1:02:46

That's what he's looking for. So who's gonna take care of her? And that's why they're so critical of the men that we may bring to them, because he- they're looking for replacements in being accountable for your safety, for your wellbeing, for you having what you need, for you being happy. They, they're, they're looking for a replacement for that.

Leah 1:03:11

So

Alison 1:03:12

it makes perfect sense

Leah 1:03:13

that man who said a better question is what to live for,

Alison 1:03:20

What makes a woman worth living for? Yep

Leah 1:03:23

worth living for? Did you get the answer to that question? Did they comment on that

Alison 1:03:32

No, nobody answered his question. They just nodded that that was a better question.

Willow 1:03:37

A better question

Alison 1:03:38

And yeah, a better question. And And here's the thing, and this also, okay, this was the first thing that came about The King's Code. and what they showed me was, amongst other things, they showed me that men consciously

Team Strengths In Love

Alison 1:03:56

or unconsciously are, are filling a team

Willow 1:04:02

Mm.

Alison 1:04:03

And they're-- And as a man pointed out to me, Tom Brady was not looking for another Tom Brady to be on the team. So men are literally hunting for strength, although they'll almost never talk about it because instinct has them never reveal anything that can be used against them, they'll never talk about their weaknesses. They're acutely aware of their weaknesses. They don't need us or like us to point them out to them. And,

Willow 1:04:38

They don't need us or like us to point them out to them, ladies.

Alison 1:04:43

Yeah, they don't need us. You know, let me tell you what's wrong with you. Um, or you're, you're shitty at that. B- and the problem is that because they're looking to have on their team, including a wife, for example, a romantic partner, and people they work with, people of any gender, they're looking for the people who, whose strength is in the area of their weakness. That their strength looks like it will fill in for their weakness. And like, if you know football, Jerry Rice, and they, they Was a game changer. Jerry Rice changed Tom Brady's game. They're looking for the person that's gonna literally expand their possibilities in life because they have complementary strengths. So they are looking in a, for a partner, someone they admire, that they also believe they can attract and keep. And how you keep is you can give her what she needs and you can make her happy. So they're looking for evidence that they can give her what she needs. They're listening very keenly for what she needs, they're projecting onto her what she needs also. And they're paying attention to The only thing they want from her. Does this person that I admire and respect so much and know I'd be better off with admire and respect me for my strengths and know that she'll be better off with me? Is she gonna be better off with me? And part of them being honorable, Willow, doing the right thing no matter how they feel, is if they don't think she's gonna be better off with him, it doesn't matter how much he admires her, how much he respects her, how much he loves her, how much he's in love with her, how hot they are in bed together, it would be dishonorable to ask her to commit to me

Willow 1:07:03

That leaves a lot of women in a lot of heartbreak though.

Alison 1:07:07

Yes. Because what happens is men don't know. While they're driven by this impossible s- standard of being a man, they don't know that we're driven by an im-

Willow 1:07:23

Connection

Alison 1:07:23

more impossible standard as a woman.

Willow 1:07:27

Yeah

Alison 1:07:28

Like, they're, they're striving to be good and to be the best man they can. We're striving to be perfect and in the failure of being perfect to be seen as perfect.

Leah 1:07:38

Mm-hmm.

Alison 1:07:40

So,

Willow 1:07:41

pressure.

Alison 1:07:42

and we assume, and, and to-- and being perfect is being great at everything.

Leah 1:07:49

Mm-hmm

Alison 1:07:50

Being great at everything. You find a weakness, you fix it.

Leah 1:07:53

anything Yeah. Right

Alison 1:07:55

find a weakness and you fix it. So they're attracted to us, we're attracted to them, and then I finally figured out the way to say it. We don't wanna be responsible for our strengths being our part. We want them to get good at what we're good at so d- we don't always have to do it. We don't wanna bring our game. We don't wanna have to be counted on to bring our game. And since we're striving to be everything, including everything they are, we think they should be striving to be everything we are, and they're like, "No, I'm not good at that." "Well, why aren't you trying harder?" "Well, that's your area. I'm not gonna run down the field and catch the ball if I touched or throw it." And but we don't get it, so now we're critical of them for the things they admire us for

Leah 1:08:56

Yeah. Oh, so

Alison 1:08:57

And it's, it's a death knell. It's so,

Leah 1:09:00

Mm-hmm

Alison 1:09:01

it crushes them.

Willow 1:09:04

嗯。

Alison 1:09:05

and yeah.

Willow 1:09:08

嗯 嗯。

Alison 1:09:10

they see this, they

Leah 1:09:10

So what's one...

Alison 1:09:12

see this is perfect.

Leah 1:09:14

Right

Alison 1:09:15

this is where they want team complementary strengths, having each other's back.

Willow 1:09:21

player by staying the good player that you are.

Alison 1:09:24

we're both better off. And they're, and they're checking to see what can I count on you for? And if they find out they can count on you for honest feedback that consistently improves the quality of sex, well then they just get more and more open to it

Willow 1:09:46

Yeah. Like lean in.

Alison 1:09:47

Lean into it. And like, I'm not ex- well, I'm not exaggerating 'cause it, 'cause it w- where I'm gonna say within a month, but it was actually three weeks I t- said to Dan, "You're the best lover I ever had."

Afterglow Check Ins

Alison 1:10:06

And he said, "Yeah, me too you."

Leah 1:10:09

Hmm.

Alison 1:10:10

And we knew it was because of the quality of information we'd been sharing since we got naked,

Leah 1:10:16

Nej

Alison 1:10:16

the after game shows and telling the truth and, and one time he said, "Time out." Like, What?" "Time out. How's, how's this going for you?"

Willow 1:10:34

Yeah

Alison 1:10:35

fine. How's it going for you?" "Fine. Okay, keep going."

Leah 1:10:40

Okay

Alison 1:10:42

And my mind was blown 'cause like I ha- I don't know, I've been imprinted, like once you get going, don't be interrupted for anything. Like, don't, don't say ouch, don't you, don't kill the mood, don't, don't do anything that might hurt the fragile penis, you know? Don't be the, don't be the... God, don't, don't give him blue balls. Don't, don't cause him to lose a hard-on ever. And s- and, and time out. You And, and let's, let's check in. This is something new. Time out. Let's check in. How's this going for you?

Willow 1:11:20

Mm-hmm. That's awesome.

Leah 1:11:22

Yeah. How delightful to have someone ask you how things are going. All right, so to kinda s- s- s- sum this all up, what is one piece of advice that men can do, and what's one piece of advice that women can do to be in better romantic relationships?

Alison 1:11:42

Well, already one of them is playgrounds

Relationship Advice

Alison 1:11:44

instead of interrogations.

Leah 1:11:47

Mm-hmm.

Alison 1:11:48

Um, is there anyth- is there anything you want me to know about you?

Leah 1:11:53

Mm. I love that

Alison 1:11:56

That's actually a question. They get to, they get to go through the gate and look around. Yeah, I want you to know about this. And instead of feeling like we have to get filled on on every frigging thing or we're being left out. They don't want to talk about their day until they do. And Yeah. Is there anything you want me to know about you? And the vice versa. There's some things I really w- want you to know about me, and a couple I need you to know about me. When would be a good time for that? And then don't underestimate in order to get the time sooner. Say, "I probably have a half hour worth of things to tell you, and that's before you even ask me any c- clarifying questions."

Leah 1:12:42

Hmm.

Alison 1:12:43

When could we do that? And it might be, you know, this is Monday. I could do that on Saturday,

Leah 1:12:49

Mm-hmm

Alison 1:12:49

which is why we lie, right? 'Cause we want it to happen sooner 'cause we're so full. Well, first with a friend, and

Leah 1:12:58

Yeah

Alison 1:12:58

empty my basket and get-- and it'll help me get clear about what I'm gonna tell him on Saturday, and you can even say that. Okay, between now and then I'm gonna get as much out of it as I need to, so I'm just left with what I really need you to know. You know what they say to that? Thank you.

Leah 1:13:16

Right.

Willow 1:13:17

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Alison 1:13:19

respect.

Willow 1:13:20

Yeah

Alison 1:13:21

Yeah. And so, so those favorite questions are really important. And E- another one is just, is like we teach in the Queens Code. share all the things that make a great sexual partnership. Chapter five. Don't go straight to chapter five everybody, 'cause otherwise you'll have a bad attitude. Um, but chapter five,

Pumpkin Hours And Sparks

Alison 1:13:43

it's called Pumpkin Hours to Desserts, it's, it's, it's a sexual partnership, a delicious sexual partnership from beginning to end. All those things are. But especially... Well, there's no but especially. They all matter. and jump starts matter, and pumpkin hours matter because if you jumpstart somebody when they're in their pumpkin hours, when their coach has turned into a pumpkin, male or female, and they can't give anybody a ride, it's mean to jumpstart them and have them wanna have sex. Then they wanna have sex, they're horny and pissed. Don't

Leah 1:14:20

Yeah.

Alison 1:14:21

make somebody horny and pissed. Timing is really important. But if they'll reveal to you their jump starts, this is, this is how to have the engine, the battery jump to life. What is 0 to 60. Th- this is the thing to say, this is the way to touch me, this is the place to touch me.

Willow 1:14:38

Mm-hmm.

Alison 1:14:40

I also would say, and I, I believe in this, and Dan and I do this, and Greg and I did this e- even unconsciously, don't let the fire get cold.

Willow 1:14:53

Mm, yeah.

Alison 1:14:54

let it be a

Willow 1:14:55

that's a

Alison 1:14:56

that hasn't had heat for years, do you know? Keep, keep the embers warm.

Willow 1:15:03

Yeah

Alison 1:15:04

even just a little, a little rub on the bum when they go by

Willow 1:15:09

Yeah, yeah

Alison 1:15:10

they rub you on the bum. Yeah, if you keep the embers warm, you- The ordeal of foreplay. So

Willow 1:15:17

Yeah

Alison 1:15:18

All right

Leah 1:15:19

thank you so much. Always a delight. We already can't wait to have you back. And, enjoy what is left of this summer.

Alison 1:15:29

I will, I will. In f- in four weeks I should, I should be moved out of both of the houses I'm moving out of and should

Leah 1:15:37

and h- and holding a baby in s- hopefully six of those weeks

Alison 1:15:42

Exactly. Six would be great. Just hold off a little longer

Willow 1:15:46

transformation in a short time. So take good care of your

Leah 1:15:51

luck with that.

Alison 1:15:52

Yes. Thank you. Thank

Willow 1:15:53

Make sure you get lots of sex

Leah 1:15:55

And lots of

Alison 1:15:56

you.

Willow 1:15:57

lots of sleep.

Alison 1:15:58

What? Yeah, the best part, he's moving with me

Leah 1:16:03

Oh, wow. Cool.

Willow 1:16:04

best

Leah 1:16:06

Yes.

Willow 1:16:07

Hooray.

Leah 1:16:08

Alison, how can people find you on social media?

Alison 1:16:12

let's see. Social media is the Alison Armstrong, a joke my daughter played on, played on me. YouTube is way better for learning, although there's a

Where To Find Alison

Alison 1:16:23

jillion shorts and clips and reels and stuff on Spotify and whatnot

Willow 1:16:31

shorts on YouTube too. They keep popping up in my feed. I watch them all the time

Alison 1:16:36

Yes. Yes.

Leah 1:16:37

the name of

Alison 1:16:38

Um, say that again? Oh, Alison, Al- Alison Armstrong videos.

Willow 1:16:44

Mm-hmm.

Alison 1:16:44

But I would recommend if someone wants to, like, get down to the heart of of why it's broken between men and women. Put in Alison Armstrong's Sacred Sons, there'll be two-- there'll be an interview with Adam Jackson, and you can tell 'cause you'll see his face, and the other's actually the recording of the workshop that I led for them. And, and you can watch the workshop.

Leah 1:17:10

Cool.

Willow 1:17:10

Fun though. I'm gonna watch it

Alison 1:17:12

yeah, the only thing is you can't see their faces. They, they were kept confidential,

Leah 1:17:18

Yeah. Okay

Alison 1:17:20

And it, it's-- and I wish people could, because they were laughing and crying

Willow 1:17:25

Oh, yeah,

Leah 1:17:26

Oh, yeah. All right. And everyone, that's Alison with one L.

Willow 1:17:31

That's right

Leah 1:17:32

Okay

Alison 1:17:33

spell it with two Ls and they usually find me

Leah 1:17:35

It'll still pop up. Okay, good.

Alison 1:17:37

dream, yeah.

Leah 1:17:38

Okay.

Alison 1:17:39

All right.

Leah 1:17:40

Thanks again,

Willow 1:17:40

Thank you so much, Alison. so much.

Alison 1:17:44

Love you too, and thanks for holding this space

Willow 1:17:48

So

Leah 1:17:48

It's our pleasure. Yeah

Alison 1:17:50

Sex matters.

Leah 1:17:52

Yeah, it really does

Alison 1:17:54

plan on being really, really old, still having the best sex of my

Leah 1:17:58

Yeah. Yeah. May we, may

Alison 1:18:00

one of the things that I, I would say, always have the best sex of your life in your present and your future.

Leah 1:18:06

Yeah.

Willow 1:18:07

Yes.

Leah 1:18:08

Yeah

Alison 1:18:09

Not in

Willow 1:18:09

that's a great words of wisdom to close on.

Leah 1:18:12

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All

Willow 1:18:15

Much love. Mwah.

Leah 1:18:16

Um, everyone, don't go away. The show's not over. The Dish is coming up next

1:18:23

Now our favorite part, the dish

Willow 1:18:28

All right.

Leah 1:18:30

Alison 3.0, Alison Armstrong. That was a lot

Willow 1:18:35

Uh-huh. A lot of different pieces, a lot of

Leah 1:18:37

A lot of different pieces.

The Dish with Leah & Dr. Willow

Leah 1:18:39

my God, this piece around, asking questions, interrogation. I could see like a lot of her good points and there's another part of me that's like, oh my God, having to ask permission to engage in curiosity? That, I, that's a l- I don't know

Willow 1:18:58

it's, yeah, I think it, it's about reading who you're with, right? It's attunement to who you're with. Some people are... You won't need to preempt that question, and others you will, you know? So it's just obviously coming back again to who, who you're with and, and what the scene is and what the setting is and what the tone is and where you're at. I thought what was interesting, though, was the death piece, that men are always have, like, death in their, in their field, that they're always thinking about that. Like, is it worth dying for? I mean, it w- it's a, it was an interesting note. I mean, we'd have to start asking some men in our lives about that question

Leah 1:19:39

Yeah. Yeah. What's your relationship to death as a presence in your awareness?

Willow 1:19:46

I mean, I know that if I asked, like, my dad and my brothers, they probably both would have that awareness because they have kids. So I think if you do have children, there's this other element of, like, now you're living for them. You know, a lot of, a lot of clients, a lot of men in my, my realm who have kids, there's, there's the, the, the kids are what they're living for, you know? So-

Leah 1:20:14

I do feel a real sense that Matt is living to make sure I'm okay,

Willow 1:20:21

For sure. Yeah, he would be happy to go otherwise if he weren't, if you weren't in his life, I'm sure

Leah 1:20:27

Like, there's another part of Charles that when we're talking about his health and his death and how close he came to having terminal cancer, you know, the, the, the way those conversations happened and the things that were said and the things he didn't tell me, I know were to protect me, um, and being concerned with my okay-ness, how long would I not be okay in experiencing grief to that level. And I think Matt's, Matt's very sort of obsessed with his health and keeps on top of his health way more than I do.

Willow 1:21:05

He's also 10 years older than you,

Leah 1:21:06

and he's 10 years older than me. Yeah, so I think I can see what, that there would be an awareness of needing to stay alive to make sure that I'm okay. Um, but Matt also is like, "I don't wanna live till past 85. I don't think I'm gonna live that long." And I'm like, "85 is nothing, dude. What are you even talking about? Like, your dad's almost 80, and he looks amazing, and his health is perfect." And you can't predict that Matt's health is gonna be the same. He's got... One side of the family's got great genetics. The other side of the family has shit genetics, so who knows? But in any event, I, he always says that, and it always bothers me. Like, why are you acting like that's an impossibility? And why would you want to or not want to die before that age? Like, it doesn't make sense to me. It, it does annoy me when he acts like he's, wants to die or is going to die earlier than what I think is reasonable. So

Willow 1:22:02

Well, there is a death conversation between you, I think, in your horizon.

Leah 1:22:08

How dare you think you're gonna die before I'm ready.

Willow 1:22:11

Well, it's the same thing with Christie and Charles. You know, she-- he's always talking about it so publicly and openly, and she's like: "Will you stop doing that?"

Leah 1:22:19

Yeah.

Willow 1:22:20

it's like, well, I mean, we are gonna die. Generally, we do end up with men who are, men who are bigger, taller, have bigger hearts, like physically bigger, that like a bigger dog, are generally likely to die sooner. You know, it's just 'cause they're pumping more blood and more energy through their vessels, and they're just contending with more. and you know, and then, then we look at genetics and all the things, but, but I, I just think, you know, back to her point of like what she's discovered, you know, in her research of like, that this, this is one of the huge, like discrepancies between men and women. I mean, I feel like moms too. Anytime you have a kid, moms are probably thinking about, you know, when they die and what they're gonna give to their kids and how they're gonna leave their kids and all that kind

Leah 1:23:11

and but culturally too, we're like when someone dies before their kids are raised, it's like the biggest tragedy that anyone would not have a primary parent as they're young and their brains are form- forming. And, you know, you think about all the landmarks of like getting married and graduating high school,

Willow 1:23:31

yeah

Leah 1:23:32

your period. Like there's all these things that it feels like a tragedy if there's a parent that's not there for those milestones when you're young. but I don't know. I don't know. I, I didn't fully connect to that part of the process. I'll have to really sit with it and test it out. You know, I was also sort of surprised to hear this like after sex. I don't know, like when I

Willow 1:23:55

The, the postgame

Leah 1:23:57

sexual experience that's satisfying almost every time I am so filled with joy and ecstasy that there's a part of me that in order to process the experience has to verbalize, "Oh, this corner and this thing and this thing and and this thing and that was so big for me." And like it just rolls out of me as just an ever delicious reliving of the experience. And I am not gonna stifle that for anybody and I don't think that's disrespectful. but I'm gonna test it. I'll, I'll ask if it's okay because it's worth doing the research over. But I think I am radiant at that moment and it would be a, a, a sin to withhold it personally because I also like relive a really high point of deliciousness. But maybe that feels overwhelming to someone's system. That's possible

Willow 1:24:49

it depends on who you're with and the tone and the scene and the setting and how open they are and, you know,

Leah 1:24:55

I don't know. I'm highly

Willow 1:24:57

think it does. I think it's about, I think it's about attunement to the moment more than asking permission personally,

Leah 1:25:04

But I also think it's like be expressed, and if you have a hard time with someone's radiant expression, get your head checked. I mean, I don't, I don't think that's a me problem. I think that's a you problem. And maybe that's disrespectful, but I don't, I don't know. I g- I kind of feel very suspicious of that

Willow 1:25:24

Oh my gosh, that's funny. I think here's what I would say is like, there's, you know, if, if, if there has been some amazing sexual encounter and the man has had an ejaculatory orgasm, he just might not be as available for your radiance as he would

Leah 1:25:42

I guess, maybe this is very selfish of me. It's not for him anyways. It's for me to relive and for him to delight in. And if he doesn't have the bandwidth to let that sink in, blessed be, you know? To hang out on the pillow and close your eyes. I don't need you to, like, hang on every word. It's for me to, to digest. It's for me to get to that place of rest and digest. I wouldn't want somebody to stifle that. Like, that would not be a good fit for me as someone.

Willow 1:26:12

Yeah. It wouldn't be a good fit for you

Leah 1:26:14

gonna share... You're not gonna get much more from me. You don't have to comment. You don't even have to be present for it 100%, but don't stop me from

Willow 1:26:23

Yeah. I guess that also just like point, points to like what's the purpose? And if the purpose is for you to have your, you know, your moment of integration with it all,

Leah 1:26:34

Yeah. And I am such a verbal processor, so, you know, if you, if you can't hang with, with a verbal processor, y- you're not my guy.

Willow 1:26:45

Totally. Totally.

Leah 1:26:47

And thankfully I got one, so there's that.

Willow 1:26:50

Yeah.

Leah 1:26:50

Okay. Anyways, love you long time.

Willow 1:26:55

Love you too. Ciao, ciao

Leah 1:26:57

Bye.

Announcer 1:26:57

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and Positive Psychology Facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine Doctor and Taoist Sexology teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget, your comments, likes, subscribes, and suggestions

Closing Credits

Announcer 1:27:13

matter. Let's realize this new world together.