Leah & Dr. Willow: Feeling Undesirable? Here's the Fix | #199

Feeling undesirable is painful, and if you or your partner are feeling insecure, you are not alone. In this episode, Leah Piper and Dr. Willow Brown open up about feeling undesirable in a long-term relationships, the sneaky ways aging, body changes, and dating app rejection chip away at our sense of being wanted, and why the fix starts inside you, not outside. They get real about menopause and hormones, spouses who stop initiating, ghosting culture, and the vulnerability it takes to ask a partner what do you still love about me. From there they hand you real tools: mirror work, movement, nature, and the practice of choosing yourself first instead of waiting to be chosen. This is a conversation about reigniting desire and remembering that radiance was never about your reflection. It was always coming from inside you.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS
♥ Feeling undesirable often comes from body changes, aging, or just drifting in a long relationship. None of that means you're unlovable.
♥ Stop waiting to be chosen. Choose yourself first.
♥ Change your state to change your desire. Mirror work, movement, and time in nature bring you back into your body.
♥ You're most magnetic in your genius zone. Notice when someone you love is glowing, and tell them.
♥ Radiance comes from the inside out. The most attractive people aren't perfect. They're lit up from within.

LINKS & RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE CAN BE FOUND ON THE WEBSITE: https://www.sexreimagined.com/blog/feel-desired-again

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Transcript

Feeling Unwanted

Willow 0:04

So she wrote to us and she said, "I can't remember the last time my husband looked at me like he wanted me, and I don't know if I'm grieving my marriage or if I'm grieving myself." When we heard from this, uh, listener of ours, it cracked us open. Something really alive showed up for us because we know that she's not alone. So that might resonate for you as well. I'm Dr. Willow Brown. I'm here with the one and only most amazing Leah Piper. We are Sex Reimagined, and we are going to be talking about how you can get back to feeling desirable again today.

Leah 0:44

Yeah. So, uh, this happens to so many of us. We go through chapters in our life where we don't feel desirable or as lovable. We're not getting the attention we really crave, And we wanna see if we can't reverse those experiences for each other and for you so that you can be your radiant, delicious self. So let's tune in, turn on, and get our mojo back

Speaker 1:13

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined podcast, where sex is shame-free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show

Leah 1:21

Wow. Okay. How to feel desired again.

Aging and Attention

Willow 1:25

I was just talking about this the other night. W- I forget who I was even talking to. I think I was talking to my girlfriend in Turkey. But basically, I was like, "Man, I used to walk around when I was, you know, younger and in my, in my teens to my 20s." I started getting attention from men very early, probably like 12 years old or something like that, so, you know, 'cause I had the boobs. I developed early, and I just was like, it was constant. It was always in my field. It was always something that was happening. And nowadays, you know, I still think I look good, but I don't get it as much. And she's like, "Well, you might just be more, um, more, uh, like, uh, used to it at this point in life." I was like, "No, it's just not happening as much." So I think there, there's so many different reasons why we start to feel like we've lost our desirability

Leah 2:19

Yeah, I, I can relate to what you're saying. I, um, as I'm getting older, you know, I mean, I think I've told you I've had, um, students, you know, call me a cougar and call me a MILF, and I'm like, "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute." Like, um, I'm flattered I guess, but I, I'm not ready for that. Like, um, oh shit, you know? And yet I am old enough to have adult children, which is just... I think it's mind-boggling when you haven't had kids.

Willow 2:50

I think so too. Yeah

Leah 2:51

a little bit of a steeper shock maybe. And, um, I have to say that I'm probably hornier and more interested in the opposite sex from a desirability standpoint. I'm... I don't remember looking and objectifying men the way I do now at this age, I never did this when I was younger, when they

Willow 3:15

very cougar-like, I think.

Leah 3:17

Yeah, it probably is. Probably

Objectification Reframed

Leah 3:19

is. It's a very interesting stage in life because I didn't have... I feel like I'm so much more self-possessed in what I do desire, and like I appreciate

Willow 3:31

clear? Uh-huh

Leah 3:33

Yeah, and I, I appreciate the beauty, the, the, um, the s- the sexual impulse. I see it out in the world. I... There's an objectification that I'm actually experiencing when I look at beautiful people out there that I was not connected to as a young person, and oftentimes had a reaction to when it was directed at me, not knowing what to do with that. And now it's like, now I'm getting older and I'm, I'm not

Willow 4:01

"Wreck some at me."

Leah 4:03

and I'm like, "Can I h- I'm now, I'm ready now. Can I now have everything that I wasn't ready for then? Please.

Willow 4:11

objectify me.

Leah 4:12

Please objectify me." Yes, totally. I d- it's not a dirty thing anymore. It's a... Well, it's a dirty thing and it's, I like

Willow 4:20

a good

Leah 4:21

Yeah.

Willow 4:21

dirty. We like it, yeah. Well, that's an interesting... That's a very interesting point. I mean, the fact that we're not really, um, like e-e-emotionally or psychologically ready for that objectification when it is most, you know, pointed toward us. And, um, and then later on in life we're like, "Yeah, give it to me." And it's like, oh, you know, you gotta kinda set it up. You gotta set yourself up for success if you're gonna get it that way, you know?

Leah 4:48

And there's a fear that I'm never gonna get enough of it again. There's a fear that it's gonna... It's a diminishing return. Every year the return diminishes, and it diminishes until it's not gonna be there anymore. And I have a feeling of there's a threat, and there's a fear, and there's a I, I'm not ready. I, I'm, uh, no. D- Don't, don't... Can I just stay 40 forever? I just wanna stay 40. I just wanna be 40. I don't wanna get

Willow 5:17

You are 40. You're 40. Just say you're 40. You're just 40. Just claim it

Leah 5:22

40 forever.

Willow 5:23

I have a, um You know Kari, we interviewed Kari the other day. her husband doesn't know his age, and he's totally not aging.

Leah 5:31

Yeah, he's, he's a babe.

Willow 5:33

he doesn't know his age. He has no idea. I think there's something to that. I mean, when we keep tracking what we're doing and what we're going through age-wise, it's like, well, yeah, then we're thinking about

Why Desire Fades

Willow 5:45

it a lot. Anyway, away from this, uh, age aside, you know, what are, what are some of the other reasons that people could start to feel like they're not being desired anymore? Definitely long-term relationships seems like one to me.

Leah 5:59

I think, um, our relationship to our body is a big factor on why or if we feel desired. You know? Like, if we just had, like, a major change and our body changed as a result of that change, sometimes that's having kids, sometimes that's having an injury. And, you know, my husband just had two knee replacement surgeries. He's not feeling in his body the way he was prior to that. It's like th- th- the muscle deteriorates, and you have to get all that back. Um, and so I know he's not loving being in his body, and that takes a toll on how you, how desirable you feel, you

Willow 6:37

good point, yeah. Like when you feel, when you feel sick or taken down or there's extra weight on your body or whatever, you're like, "Ugh, don't even look at me." There's more of this like block around it. Like I don't have the, the muscle mass I used to or I don't have the, the fitness that I used to. I mean, I think that's such a good point. That's why I'm so in love with peptides because they are really like jumper cables for us in getting, uh, back to best in our bodies. But that's another episode.

Leah 7:06

Yeah, sometimes like our skin issues, you know? Like we can, we can... I've, I'm, I've been going through actually a lot of breakouts lately because I've been, um, using testosterone replacement and we just upped my, um...

Willow 7:19

Click

Leah 7:20

Yes, and it's too much. I'm like, or I'm like getting weird acne wherever there's like, on my scalp and in my hairline and underneath my jaw and underneath, behind my ears and on my boob and in my collarbone, and I'm like, "No."

Willow 7:35

areas. All in the lymph areas, yeah. Yeah, so some lymphatic massage would probably be good. But yeah, I mean, I think that, you know, hormones play a big role. Um, age plays a big role. Being, uh, being in love with your own body or not plays a big role. And I think there is a way that we can be in love with our bodies no matter what is going on with our weight and our size and our, um, you know, muscle mass and how we're feeling. I think that there's a way to be in practice of loving the vessel that you live in, and that really is by, like, finding, you know, all the things that are working with your body, that you do love about your body. kind of stuff we teach in our w- in our retreats

Leah 8:21

Yeah, I think like people who've been sick, you know, like long COVID and, you know, I think it's just, it's, it's a feeling, I think it's an issue of vitality can make you feel unattractive and sluggish and all those things. So I kinda feel like that that's one of the places where people get in their slumps or they go through a chapter where they're just, they don't feel like their best physical self is leading the charge, and you can get really stuck. And then we're oftentimes reaching for things that just make that worse, uh, because we wanna change our state, right? So that could be food or alcohol or, um, lack of exercise, television, social media, you know, all the things. Uh, and then there's, there's nothing, nothing has changed in our appearance, but our partner has drifted away.

Willow 9:15

Yeah, exactly

Leah 9:16

feel the separation of this loving feeling from this partner who w- we are expected to do all those sexy things with, and it's like, "I'm still the same person. Why don't they reach for me anymore?" Or, "Why do they keep on avoiding having sex? Why do they keep on coming up with excuses why they're too tired or not right now, and they're shrugging off our bids for connection?" And that can really make you feel undesirable.

Dating App Rejection

Leah 9:45

And then there's the dating scene, when you're on these dating apps and maybe you're getting ghosted.

Willow 9:52

Mm-hmm. Ghosting definitely makes you feel undesirable. Yeah.

Leah 9:56

Yeah, like you're not getting the second

Willow 9:58

these days. It's crazy, you know? It's like people... It's kind of like the norm now. I hear so many horror stories from my girlfriends who are on dating apps. Um, I think that, yeah, also just, you know, people not really knowing how to communicate, even if they don't ghost, but they just don't know how to communicate. Like, you know, maybe you got together with them a few times, one time, two times, maybe three, and then they, um, they don't know how to, you know, in a nice and kind way, be like, "Hey, I don't think this is for

Leah 10:35

We're a match

Willow 10:36

going down the road with you." You know? I mean, there... It just could be as simple as that, you know? Instead of just, like, feeling like, "Ah, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do, so I'm just not gonna do or say anything." I think that's where ghosting comes from. People just don't have any idea what to say or do, and it, it could just be so much simpler. So that, that over time will definitely take your sense of desirability down. It takes your confidence levels down. It makes you not wanna continue dating. It makes you wanna throw in the towel

Leah 11:08

Or even like you're swiping whatever left or whatever you do to swipe, they're in the right direction and no one is swiping on you. And you're not even getting the chance to go on the date that doesn't go on a second date, 'cause you're not even getting the first date

Willow 11:21

exactly. There's a lot of men who are stuck in that position, I think, and women. I think both, you know. But I, I definitely am dealing with those clients more who are like, "Ah, I'm just like, I don't even know how to communicate or get a date or get there," you know? So it's like... And it's so sad to me too, because it's like these people are so beautiful. They have the most beautiful hearts and the most beautiful souls, and it's just like, um, they, they have so much to offer. I'm always like, "You are a gift to the world. You need to stand in that power, and you need to find that place inside of yourself so that you can share that gift with... I mean, do you know how many people there are out there who are looking for someone like you? Like, you need to stand in that power." Okay, so enough about why all the reasons that you might not feel desirable.

Find Your Irresistible

Willow 12:11

There's a myriad of them, but what can you do about it?

Leah 12:15

So I think the first thing you do is you turn it, it towards yourself, and you take inventory feel into what makes you irresistible. And if you're sitting there and you can't find an answer, you gotta sit. You don't get to move until you find at least one thing. Like, you

Willow 12:32

Oh, I like

Leah 12:33

have to go looking, uh, you know, because we're so self-deprecating. And when we feel undesirable, the inner critic has been talking real loud, and has been really h- you know, batting us down and putting us down, and we have to start turning towards that voice and going, "I'm turning down the volume, and I'm turning up a new voice. I'm gonna get in touch with a voice that is resonant with my essence, that sees me as lovable and precious," and, um, f- you know, funny and fun, and a- you know, all the things that you are, need to sit with what makes you irresistible and attractive. Maybe it's the light that comes from your eyes. Made it... Maybe it's your incorrigible smile. Maybe it's your sense of humor. Maybe it's your fabulous, thick, beautiful hair. Maybe it's your shiny, bald head. I don't know what it is inside of you, but there is something that is delicious and that is connected to your essence that really glows and has radiance, and you gotta get... You... It's... I kinda think of it as like you gotta get right with God on that. You gotta sit in the mirror, and you gotta actually look for what's good, because we put our attention first on what is wrong or what is bad, and that is a w- uh, a one-way road to hell. We gotta find a different road to travel down.

Willow 13:54

Get off that road. Go

Leah 13:56

Make a U-turn.

Willow 13:58

Yeah, totally. I mean, I think it's so true because not only does... Once you get into that mode of like, you know, finding all the bad things about yourself and all the reasons why, and I think so many of us wake up in the morning and go straight to that, so we're not even really giving our day a chance to like move into self-love. I know I do. I have to, I have to take time in the morning to like set my head straight, you know? there's, um, something so power- of you that are amazing and desirable and lovable and cherishable and just, you know, I love the word that you just used, which was irresistible. Like, what makes you irresistible, you know? That's a, that's a powerful question to ask yourself. I mean, that's a lot more than like, "What makes me desirable?" It's like, "What makes me irresistible? Why am I the cat's meow? And

Leah 15:01

Yeah

Willow 15:02

should my partner be wanting to ravish my body?" You know, "What is it about my body?" And it could be that, you know, it's, it's, it's that you are in your body, that you are in your body, and that you are inhabiting your body with power, with strength, with self-love, with presence, you know? But those things you have to work to get there

Choose Yourself First

Leah 15:27

I think the other really big power move that you can make in shifting out of this hopelessness is stop waiting to be chosen. Stop waiting for the thing that's outside of you to validate you, to see you, to want you. You start wanting yourself. Skip the fucking middleman. There's no prince or princess coming to save the day. You're saving the day, and you can totally skip the garbage of needing to be validated by you validating yourself. So you, again, it comes back to, like, going, you know, "I choose me. I choose to date me. I choose to fall in love with me. I choose to see me as beautiful and irresistible. I love my feet. I love the way I smell. I love my haircut. I love the dimple in, when I smile," you know? Um, uh, I even think my little curmudgeon is cute. You know, you gotta start choosing you. A curmudgeon is exactly what it sounds like.

Willow 16:27

What is, what... I always thought a curmudgeon was a grouchy person.

Leah 16:31

is. It is. It's actually even loving the part of you that's grouchy and, and hard to love,

Willow 16:37

it's not a physical part. It's your little

Leah 16:39

No, it's, it's an emotional, it's a, maybe it's one of your little gremlins. Like, you also have to love the part of you that you don't see as lovable, because we'll use our flaws as a block to even notice that anyone's paying attention to us. Sometimes we're so self-centered in our hell that we w- that there's a whole room full of people who admire us or who find us attractive, and we can't see them because we're so blinded by our inner critic and all of our flaws, that we're missing the boat and it's right here at the dock.

Willow 17:14

Totally. Get on the boat.

Leah 17:16

today.

Willow 17:17

Step up and get your ticket. What'd you just say?

Leah 17:21

Filled with metaphors. We got the boat, we got the highway, we got a car turning around.

Willow 17:25

Turn that train around.

Leah 17:28

Um,

Mirror and Movement

Willow 17:29

Well, I mean, and here's some practical tips and tools and things that you can actually do, is set some space for yourself. Like, get a mirror out, a full body mirror, and light some candles, and get some oil, and put some music on, and just start to paint love on your body with your fingertips and that oil. And start to paint into the places where you feel more, um, shame and, and not feeling sexy. And start to bring more love and more attention to your physical body, 'cause your physical body is the vessel for your spiritual self to move through the world in. And so they're two sides of the same coin, and you can definitely change your mental, your psychological, your spiritual state by changing your body. Hence movement, and qigong, and practices, and even exercise. You know, getting out and getting your heart rate up, sweating, getting a sweat on. Like, get your sweat on every day, even if it's, like, 15 minutes of, like, just a little hopping around, you know? Make sure that you're getting some circulation in your body so that you can change your mental state, because that's where... The sedentariness is where we get so stuck in our mental state and so stuck in our bodies.

Nature as Vitality

Leah 18:56

I think too, like, go into nature. If you wanna be part of this to be restored, go be in nature. You know, what are the parts of nature that revive you? What are the places that bring you into your body and bring you into your soul? I feel like sometimes this particular area of pain and suffering is, is connected to, like, a soul crisis. It's, it's like this thing of separation, and we wanna find unification. And so if you get into nature and you're around the vitality of the Earth, you... I- I- Stay open to that, and that vitality will come into you too. And there's a soul recognition, I think, that's so critical when we are in beautiful places. If that's the forest, if that's a, a local park, if that's even your church. You know, beautiful cathedral. Um, a, uh, going to the ocean or the cliffs or your backyard. Yes. Um,

Willow 19:54

lay your belly to the earth and breathe. This is what you mentioned at the very beginning of this episode is vitality. Like desire is vitality, you know? And it's We've talked about this on previous episodes where it's like, what, what, what do you have eros for? You know, what do you have drive for? What do you have desire for? What do you wanna reach for? What in nature is repulsive to you, and what in nature is intriguing and erotic to you? Pay attention to those things because that's gonna bring so much more, um, life force energy into your body. I was doing Qi Gong. I have to go into nature at least twice a day. Like it's absolutely hands down must happen or I combust. Like I, I can't not. And so I was doing Qi Gong at the beach the other morning, which I do often, and it was just like, man, the birds I was s- uh, breathing with the birds and moving, and then this seal hopped up on this little thing and started doing yoga, seal yoga on the thing. And then the dolphins started swimming by, and I almost just took all my clothes off and got in the water and swam with the dolphins. But I had a thing, you know? I had to get to the next thing. So I was just like, "Okay, can't go swimming with the dolphins." But those But even just being in the presence with those dolphins and those animals and just all the sea creatures and breathing with the

Leah 21:23

It's magic. It's healing.

Willow 21:25

that is desire to me. I mean,

Leah 21:27

Totally

Willow 21:28

desire. Nature

Leah 21:30

Yeah. You know, I've always been enthralled by flowers. I have fresh flowers in my house all the time. And, um, and so for me, a symbol of desirability is really watching, like, the nature of flowers, and watching a flower come from being closed to full bloom, and, like, finding that essence within myself that I'm always becoming. And, um, and there... And, and, and so that's a beautiful symbol to have in your space. For me, that's a symbol that can remind me of a touchpoint that I wanna return to.

Genius Zone Glow

Leah 22:07

And I think this is also really important. We talked about vitality. Another thing is when you're in your genius zone, you are the most attractive. When you're doing something that you're really good at, you, you glow. You- the- your posture changes. Your face softens. There is something so magical about watching someone when they're really in their element, whether that is watching someone with their kids, or watching someone give a talk, or watching someone sing a song, or watching someone dance, or watching someone cook, watching someone teach, watching someone play with their hobbies. We're filled with admiration when we see people in their genius zone, and they become very attractive to us, and magnetic. We need to tell people about how attractive and beautiful and special they are when we witness them in that, so that they can have the gift that they're giving us when we're watching

Willow 23:08

good. Yes. That's a really, really good point. Yeah. To, to verbally say something. I had that experience the other day. I was dancing outside in the sunshine to reggae music. Talk about being in my element, you know? And the sun was shining, and it was just like this little Earth Day festival around the corner. It was so cute. And, um, yeah, I could just feel... I could feel the appreciation, and then I had one person come up to me and be like, "You are an amazing dancer," you know? I was like, "Yeah. Thank you." Appreciation. So it's like this is another piece of like, you know, creating more desirability is, um, appreciating each other for those moments when you're in your highest, you know, genius zone. I like that terminology, when you're in your highest state, which even could be sleeping. Like, you don't even have to be doing anything, but, like, if you think your partner is really beautiful when they're sleeping, fucking let them know. You know? They don't have to be doing anything. Or when they're in the kitchen cooking, or the way they put the kids to bed, or whatever. Like, just let people know. Appreciate them, and your connection and desire for them will appreciate. It will grow

Leah 24:25

Mm-hmm.

Vulnerable Partner Talk

Leah 24:26

And then I think the hard conversation to have is to be really vulnerable, and not from a place of like, you know, you're setting up someone for some sort of test that they have to get right. But it's actually from a much softer, more vulnerable place. It's, you know, what do you love about me? You know, what do you desire about me? What, what are you most attracted to? Um, be- to be able to have that kind of conversation with your partner, to go, "I'm just, I've been feeling kinda lonely, and I want us to turn towards each other, and I need to be reminded as to why you love me and what you love about me, and here's what I love about you, and here's what I'm attracted to with you, and here's what's changed. Like, when I first met you, what really pulled me in was... And now, what really pulls me in is..." And find out, are they the same things? Have they changed? Is it possible that you can return to the thing that f- for- first attracted the two of you? What would it be like to feel that again and to hold that in your body again? Because, you know, being in a relationship for a long time, we lose ourselves sometimes. We forget who we are. And I'll tell you, research-wise, according to Esther Perel, the m- the number one reason people have affairs is not because they don't desire their spouse anymore or their partner. The reason why they have an affair is 'cause they're getting in touch with a part of themselves they have lost touch with. And when we don't feel like our partner is attracted to us or desires us, there's a deep need to feel that. And so suddenly, if we notice someone else seems to think we're cool and attractive, we wanna lean into that because it brings us back to something inside. And so I think that's a garden we need to tend to in our relationships, is to remember that we need to call that forth in each other, the parts that have gone asleep because we've gotten into a routine. If, if we aren't doing that for each other, someone else might

Willow 26:36

Totally. Someone else probably will.

Leah 26:39

Yeah.

Willow 26:40

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this is so

Erotic Play and Novelty

Willow 26:43

crucial. Now, if you wanna take it to a higher level, and you wanna start practicing a little bit more erotic play, and, like, playing with some games and some turn-on games, you know, there are some really great card decks out there on the market. So it can be fun to, like, grab one of those and do... You know, pull a card

Leah 27:04

Great idea

Willow 27:05

do something different together." Because one of the reasons I think we lose e-e-eros for each other is 'cause we do the same thing all the time, you know? But it's like, it's erotic when you step into a different role, or you get into a different position, or you play an objectification game, or, you know, you tell me to bend over and do this thing, and then I tell you to do this, and I tell you what I like about it. Now, a lot of people are gonna be really shy doing these kinds of things, especially when you've been in a long-term relationship, 'cause you've never done these things before.

Leah 27:41

a little risky

Willow 27:42

super shy and embarrassing at first. But hey, guess what? You're gonna be laughing about it, and you're gonna be doing something different, and you're gonna have more vitality and effervescence moving through your body. So you just... You know, if you do the same thing you've always done, you're gonna get the same result. So it's, it's... This is an invitation to you all to just do something you've never done before, and that could even be, like, going out, parking at the beach, and having sex in your car or something. You

Leah 28:15

Ooh. Yeah, totally. Yeah, making out on a bench, you know? Um, I think I really like that you said the word laughing

Willow 28:23

Mm-hmm.

Leah 28:25

when we don't feel desirable, it's like we're not, we're not, we're not living a really

Willow 28:30

playing. Yeah

Leah 28:31

Yeah, we're, our disposition can be really... Hopelessness is a really heavy energetic, you know? And so we gotta, like, lighten up. Like, people are their most beautiful when they're joyful and when they have lots of reasons to be smiling and laughing, and so you gotta find that within yourself because that's what draws people in. A scowl does not draw people in. A resting bitch face does not make for a lot of attraction.

Willow 29:00

repelling.

Leah 29:02

it's very repelling.

Willow 29:03

Makes you wanna move away from that person, for sure.

Change Your Element

Willow 29:07

Yeah. And it can be so hard to change your state when you're just stuck in that place and, you know, it's like, "What... How do I, how do I get out of this rut that I'm in? How can I move into a place of joy, into a place of gratitude and appreciation when I don't have the money I need to pay the bills, the kids are driving me crazy, my partner won't touch me or look at me?" It's like, you know, it can feel like you're just underwater. So here's what I would say, is in order to change your state, change your element. So if you're kind of like always, um, on the screens, you know, go out in, out in nature. If you're somebody who, who does work out in the world and out in nature, then, you know, maybe you need to get in water. Maybe you need to get in the woods. Maybe you need to get into some other element, you know. Maybe you need to do some breathwork, bring in some air element. Maybe you need to go, um, take a, a half-day spa day or something. Whatever it is to just change your environment, change your element so that you can reset. Sometimes we just need a pattern interrupt, and even a half-day pattern interrupt can go a long, long way. Of course, if you can come to one of our weekend retreats, then of course that's gonna be a better pattern interrupt for you. But if not, then, um, you know, do what you can. Find it

Leah 30:35

A lot of little things add up. So it's like if you just make like a one to 2% change, you know, like you change your route to, on the way to work, you put lipstick on, you do something that is a, a s- deviation from the ordinary, you will start to make big steps out of the, um, the loneliness or the, um, what's the word? The, the, the place of stuckness that you find yourself in. Yeah.

Willow 31:07

Yeah, and look, like with AI these days, there is no reason to not generate some kind of juiciness or some kind of idea. Even like, "I wanna send my husband a sext, but I have no idea what to say. Can you give me an idea?" You know, like you can use chat for all kinds of fun things like that. There's, there's no excuses at this point to not start planting more seeds of desire within your life. I mean, desire-driven life. And I gotta tell you, I've also been doing A Course in Miracles every morning, and it's all about like, you know, everything you see and all the meaning that you make of the world around you is coming from inside of you. So make a choice. What meaning do you wanna make? Take a closer look at what you are creating from inside of yourself. The world isn't being created outside of you. It's created from inside

Leah 32:09

Yeah, having that personal agency to not wait for, again, these external validations, but for you to go and take charge and go, "I am gonna fight for this. I'm gonna fight out of loneliness. I am gonna dance out of loneliness. I am gonna go do things that take me out of this despair." And, uh, and we're not here to s- to make it sound like it's easy. It's not. So much of this feels so depressive, and when we are experiencing depression like this, we feel pressed down. Like there's a weight that we have to somehow grapple and get the energy to move up off of us, and that, that takes a minute to sort out. So get a therapist. You know, be on an antidepressant for a short time if that might work for you. Do the things you need to do so that you can find that radiance again.

Radiance From Within

Leah 33:03

And the radiance, you guys, it's not And this is a, a, a reminder for all of us. It's not what's on the outside. Radiance is something that comes from the inside, and it, it's, it's why there are times, and I know, I'm sure you've all experienced this, where someone who you didn't find attractive when you first met them, but you got to know them, and you're like, "God, you are so adorable. You are so cute. You are so attractive." I see, like I am, I'm compelled to turn towards you because they're radiant, because they are attractive, because who they are, their essence shines from the inside out. And so one other thing you can do, which is such a beautiful act of love in the world, is to look for that radiance in people that you encounter, you know? And reflect that back to them so that all of us can live and bask in that light. When we choose to put our attention on that, we get to experience it more in others

Willow 33:58

Absolutely. This is reminding me too of a little moment I had the other day. I was picking up some surf racks, and this guy ha- he was clearly married and had the whole family and the house and the kids and the da, da, da, da, da. I didn't give a shit. I was like, his eyes were striking. Like, they were just the coolest shade of hazel green, whatever. I don't know. They were cool eyes, you know? So I just said in the mo- I wasn't flirting with him. I was just like, "You have the coolest eyes." And it was just that, "Okay, see you later." You know? And it wasn't a big deal, and there's so many times when y- we hold ourselves back from those kind of opportunities because we think, "Oh, it's inappropriate. They're gonna think I'm flirting with them." We hold back our appreciation for each other for so many reasons, and it's a, it's a missed opportunity to spread more vitality through the world

Leah 34:52

Yeah, it sure is. So any parting words you wanna say?

Willow 34:58

Um, find your way to a desire-driven life however you need to. Don't give up on yourself

Leah 35:06

Yeah. Like how can you breathe more desire into your relationship with yourself and with other?

Fake It Till You Make It

Leah 35:15

I think too, um, what it can be tricky is it's not about performing confidence, but sometimes it is. Sometimes there's

Willow 35:28

You have to fake it till you make it sometimes

Leah 35:30

yeah, you gotta like, especially in the beginning when you don't believe it. I remember when I was really trying to come into more of my desirability and to see myself the way I knew the world was seeing me, but when I looked in the mirror I couldn't see it. I had to like say the things I didn't believe over and over and over again to myself until I was like, "Oh, it's true." You know? It was like when I said the things I didn't think anyone else could see to myself, like in the mirror or internally, I said it enough and it started to get reflected to me externally too. It was like, it's such a thing, like you really do need to try some things on over and over and over again. And in the beginning you're gonna have a voice that goes, "That's bullshit. I don't believe that. That's a crock of shit. That's a lie." You know? You gotta like, you gotta figure out a way to turn the volume down on

Willow 36:18

Yeah.

Leah 36:19

on that, mean voice.

Willow 36:20

Yeah Yeah. Fake it till you make it. Pretend. Pretend like you're desirable until you start to see that you are.

Leah 36:28

Yeah

Willow 36:28

I have had to fake it till I made it so many times in my life, and especially in my career, especially doing teaching sexuality work and, you know, just being a leader and being in front of big classrooms full of people and, um, it works. That's a good trick

Leah 36:46

Yeah, and, and this isn't about, like, it making it harder. I think that the, the key here, it's not about trying harder, it's about pattern interrupting.

Willow 36:57

Yeah

Leah 36:58

It's, it's noticing the parts of you that is doing the same old thing that's keeping the state of hopelessness or unlovability in, in the mind and going, "Eh, I gotta create a pattern that stops that record spinning on loop."

Willow 37:15

Yeah. So the invitation is to change. Change in the littlest ways, change in the biggest ways, change every day.

Leah 37:24

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And sometimes all that changes is a mindset, and it's not even having to do with anything physical.

Willow 37:32

Exactly. Yay.

Leah 37:34

Okay.

Closing and Credits

Leah 37:35

Well, thanks for tuning in. Love, love, love

Willow 37:38

Ciao y'all

Speaker 2 37:38

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and Positive Psychology Facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine Doctor and Taoist Sexology Teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget, your comments, likes, subscribes, and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.