Leah & Dr. Willow: Why Am I Never In The Mood? Spontaneous Vs Responsive Desire And What It Means For Your Love Life | #186

You fell madly in love. The sex was electric. Then life happened; kids, careers, cortisol, and somewhere along the way, one of you stopped wanting it as much as the other. If mismatched libidos are quietly creating distance in your relationship, you are not broken and neither is your partner. Research suggests that up to 80% of couples will experience some form of desire discrepancy at some point in their relationship and it is one of the most common reasons couples seek help. But there is a road back and it is more accessible than you think. In this honest, deeply practical episode, hosts Leah Piper and Dr. Willow Brown go deep on why long-term relationships lose their erotic charge and exactly what to do to rebuild it.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS

• The behaviors that made desire feel effortless in early courtship were actively feeding responsive desire. Rebuild those behaviors and you rebuild the libido.
• Stress and cortisol are among the most underacknowledged drivers of low sex drive in long-term relationships. Addressing what is creating pressure in your daily life is sexual health work.
• You can take responsibility for your own turn-on rather than waiting for a partner to guess their way to it.
• Short Tantric practices do not require a full intimacy session. Even five minutes of breath and eye contact can meaningfully shift the dynamic between partners.
• Knowing what you want erotically, your accelerators, is at least as important as knowing what you do not want.

LINKS & RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE CAN BE FOUND ON THE WEBSITE: https://www.sexreimagined.com/blog/mismatched-libido-long-term-relationships

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Transcript

Find Your Accelerators

Willow 1:52

Welcome everyone to the Sex Reimagined podcast. I'm Dr. Willow Brown here with the one and only Leah Piper, we're so thrilled that you're here, and today we're talking about something so important and so common in so many long-term relationships, which is the mismatched libido. Everything starts out hot and heavy in the beginning, but you know, a few years in it's like, uh, you want it in the morning, I want it in the night, and you just can't find your way back to each other.

Leah 2:20

You want it all the time, and I don't want it at all. Much easier to negotiate sex in the morning and the evening than I don't want any.

Willow 2:29

Yeah, that's right.

Leah 2:30

So tune in, turn on, and fall in love with curing the mismatched libido.

Announcer 2:37

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame-free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.

Stress and Routine Kill

Leah 2:46

Okay, well this is a hot topic. Um, you know, when you first fall in love and you're dating somebody and everything's so brand new and you're drinking that in love, cocktail of oxytocin and testosterone and opioids and, um, dopamine, everything that's flooding your body makes you. Make sex so easy. You know, you, you can't wait to tear each other's clothes off. You're getting to know one another. Your best self is emerging and so is theirs. And the, the mutual lusciousness of wanting to bond is so real and it feels so fucking special. Like, this is it. I have found my person and it's always gonna be like this.

Willow 3:35

Mm-hmm. I know. Those are the good, those are the good

Leah 3:38

It was the best parts.

Willow 3:39

The honeymoon

Leah 3:39

phase.

Willow 3:40

Yeah. mean, that's what brings us together with another, right, because there's so many other layers of personality and persona that, um, that also can correlate to the mismatched and the mismatched libido down the line. I. once we get, you know, sort of completed with that honeymoon phase, how do we keep that alive? How do we continue to turn toward each other when we start to find that we want different things, especially in the bedroom. I think there's also a level of comfort that happens with couples where it's like, you know, now you've seen the best, the worst of me, as well as. The best of me. I was always putting my, my best foot forward in the beginning, and now it's, you've seen all of me and you still find me sexy, is there's still an attraction. I know that there's a novelty for somebody new, somebody that you don't know, um, you know, Has a certain look or a certain style that is attractive to you. But once you do start to get to know people, things shift and change and you see, uh, their true colors.

Just Show Up

Leah 4:49

yeah, I was just gonna say, you know, with the research of Esther Perel, one of the things that she's noted that I think makes a lot of sense is that when you're with someone for a long time, you lose the mystery. And a part of Aeros is connected to some mystery and being, having things out of the ordinary and nothing kind of kills libido more for many people. Not all people, but safety, security routine in children. You know, like cortisol can rob you of your libido, um, the stress of everyday life where you're just, you're not even, for some people it's not even just like get up, rinse and repeat. It's like, get up and get through the day and when you're under a certain amount of stress. It, it sex is the last thing on your mind. It actually feels like a burden and not a blessing. There are some people's systems though, that like the need and the fulfillment and the connection of sexuality is what helps them de-stress. Where for other people, the idea of sex is like one more thing to do, one more thing to accomplish, one more thing you owe someone. And so it feels burdensome and I think a lot of mismatched libidos can sometimes stem from those differences.

Quick Tantra Practices

Willow 6:05

Absolutely. I think, um, you know, when you do find yourself in those, those times in your relationship when you're not quite, you know, meeting each other sexually, that's the opportunity to get more creative. That's the opportunity to um, prioritize intimacy because almost all couples find that when they do prioritize and they do, you know, create a little intimacy bubble with each other, and they, throw out the things that are keeping them in a stressed state or keeping them from creating intimacy with one another, then they start to, feel so much better, so much more connected with each other, so much better in their bodies, so much better in their lives. It starts to open up new possibilities. And you know, you and I have both worked with clients who were kind of at the end of their relationship, you know, it was like, okay, it's, we either gotta figure out this intimacy thing or it's over. And then they do figure out the intimacy thing through, you know, techniques and practices and putting it on the calendar because that's what has to happen sometimes. And they report back, God, I feel like I'm in a whole different relationship. So there is hope for everyone who is like, gosh, we are just, you know, this person wants it all the time. That person doesn't want it at all, or they want it at different times, or they want different styles of sexuality.

The Bubble Practice

Leah 7:37

Mm. Yeah, I mean, to your point about like making time for it, uh, I mean how many hands are going up in the air who is listening right now and saying, yeah, I may be sort of like dreading and not in the mood leading up to actually showing up for some kind of sexual connection. But then afterward we're both looking at each other going, God, I'm so glad we did that. Like we gotta do that more often. Me and Matt say that almost every time we're sexual. Like, God, we should really do this more often. Like, this is so fun. This is so good for us, and I know that is happening in bedrooms everywhere. It's like just showing up and then having the experience and afterwards you're like, this is not hardship. This is a joy, this is fun. This is a great way to play. I love you so much. You feel soft towards each other in terms of your, just the gentleness, something happens, right? It's like you have intimacy and you feel more connected, and that puts you in a better mood. I mean, it literally does change your brain chemistry and helps you with your mood, so you would think it would be more compelling for people to show up for it, even if they don't feel like it. And that's one of the things I think Tantra is really good at, is it gives people little short practices so that it's not that you're saying yes to sex, it's not that you're necessarily saying yes to penetration. You are saying yes to connection with a practice that takes five or 10 minutes and the beauty of it is it changes the way you feel. And it opens you to wanna take that next sexual connection further, which often leads to orgasms and sex. It's pretty awesome. You just gotta show up for it.

Why Libidos Mismatch

Willow 9:24

I think that's a really good point. Like it doesn't have to be a huge hour long or two hour long intimacy date on your calendar. You know, it could just be like a little, um, Hey, we've got 15 minutes. Let's go spend five of those minutes like just being in breath together, in eye gazing together. Now, that can be hard to do if there's also discord between the two of you on top of, you know, the stresses of life. So if there's, you're just actually not in a place of, I, I actually don't like you in the moment, you know, if you're in that place, it's like even harder to get yourself into, um, that little nest, in that little bubble. But one of the practices that we do use quite a lot for couples who are kind of going through challenges is something called the bubble practice, where we basically cast an energetic bubble around, you know, around yourselves as the couple. And even if you only have five minutes, you can do this one little practice, cast this bubble around yourself and, and pull out with your left hand, all the things that you don't want in the bubble. I don't want my stress, I don't want my fatigue, I don't want my, um, you know, the pulling of the kids. I don't, yeah. All the pieces that you wanna take out. I don't want this, um, discord between us in the bubble, you know? So you just take it all out and then you put in what you wanna put in with your other hand. Doesn't matter which hand you use, but you know, with your other hand putting in, I wanna bring in connection, I wanna bring in intimacy, I wanna bring in love, I wanna bring in a sense of gratitude. I wanna bring in a sense of, you know, coming, coming to understanding with each other. Yeah. Playfulness. So that little practice in and of itself is a really great way for couples to begin, you know, coming back into.

Practical Fixes Checklist

Spontaneous vs Responsive

Courting Creates Desire

Leah 11:21

it's a great practice for you having, um, a high stakes conversation about sex. It's a great bubble to do um, when you're just feeling tender and you need to be in loving arms. It's a great thing to do before any kind of intimacy practice. Whether that turns into making love or maybe it's a, a Tantra recession where one person's gonna receive and the other person's gonna practice giving. I think when it comes to mismatch libidos, there's a couple things that are happening. Sometimes it's physiological. Someone just has more testosterone in their system, someone else's, uh, libido is, is, you know, a little bit offline. I think a lot of that time has to do with external stress. Other times it's different seasons in someone's life. You've got raising little kids when all your energy is going to those infants and those toddlers, it's really hard for various people to feel sexual because all their sexual energy is creative energy and that's going to keeping that kid alive. And so they're so swamped that they just don't have anything left over. So that can be a chapter that where sexes mismatched. Then you've got andropause and menopause, and oftentimes we've got mismatched libidos at that stage in life. Or you've got you know, a caretaking issue, someone in in your world needs more caretaking. And if you're the primary caretaker that can zap your sexual energy or you are, you know, getting a new career started or a new job across the country. And then you've got, again, cortisol levels that are taking out of your body. These are all things, I think when this is arising, the partner that has the higher libido can take it very personally their partner's lower libido. They can feel unattractive, undesirable, um, you know, what's, what's wrong with them? Are they broken? Or what's wrong with me? Am I not desirable anymore? And so it can then create a big emotional strain. a lot of insecurities. Those make it an even harder uphill battle to sort of soothe and create distance around. So a couple of solutions. First and foremost is what's happening with your life? Who's under the most duress? How do both people approach sex? Is sex a stress reliever and a way to deeply connect that you're hungry for or is stress feels like a burden and an obligation? Finding out how we feel about sex, I think is an important thing to address how we can overcome that and then move towards each other. I think the other thing is hormonally getting your hormonal levels tested and seeing if there's anything that you can correct from a physiological standpoint. Sometimes it's like getting better sleep and getting better exercise can get your libido back, in check. Maybe shifting some things in your diet so you have sort of that physiological thing to look at. And then lastly, I think the thing for us to deep dive into is the difference between spontaneous desire responsive desire, and how to play with those'cause that can actually turn into a pretty cool adventure if you're willing to shift your perspective and romance the beloved again.

Willow 16:04

Leah was just visiting me in Santa Barbara'cause we just did an amazing women's retreat here. It was really powerful and so we were chatting about spontaneous desire and um, you know, responsive desire. The other day we were driving around and I was like, I think I have spontaneous desire. And she was like, I think you probably have responsive desire, but it's responsive to, you know, nature and swimming in the pool. Like things that you wouldn't think are like um, you know, things that cause desire, but because there's, uh, because I'm cultivating my sexual energy on a consistent and regular basis and always drawing high levels of arousal to the place in my body where I've feel that most stored and built up. Um, you know, simply swimming in water can be a turn on for me, but I am responding to an external stimulation. I think there's, there is some crossover too. Kind of where our conversation was going was like, because, because I do keep myself highly cultivated sexually and with arousal. Then there's, it's easy for me to respond to external stimuluses, whether they're coming from another human being or, you know, nature.

Leah 17:24

Yeah, so I don't know that everyone would know what highly cultivated means when you say that. Um, so if we could define that. But before we do, let's first talk about what is spontaneous desire and what is responsive desire. Willow mentioned that there's like an external inspiration for those of us that have responsive desire, um, I have responsive desire. I don't feel horny. Like I don't ever really feel horny. I need something outside of me to remind me to feel the hoards. So it's sort of like, it's kind of like sexuality is a river that runs through everybody and it's constantly coursing. With people with spontaneous desire they're constantly connected to it. It's like. They could go at any moment. It's just like, there's just a horny aliveness that's just like easily accessible. Responsive desire. It's like, I, I know the river's there, but I don't feel it until someone points out, Oh yeah, that's right, the river's there. So, for some people that's, that's flirting, you know, they'll, they'll feel their desire again because someone's flirting with them and all suddenly, like their eyes are dilating and they're really paying attention and they're more connected to their senses now. Ooh. They really like the way this person is kind of helping them open up and they feel more connected. So eye gazing and even phone sex or reading erotica or good music that they have a wonderful association to when it comes to sexuality. Like the music turns them on it, that beat and that rhythm gets them into their body and then they start to feel their sexual energy. And I think what's really interesting about that is you'll get into a relationship and you start that relationship where everyone's really hot and heavy. It's like you can't wait to tear each other's clothes off. And so everyone thinks, well, well, we had it then. Why don't we have it now? Like, I'm just as horny for you as I was in the beginning. Why does it feel like you're never in the mood now? Well, the things we do when we're courting someone connects us those people who have responsive desire is constantly flowing. It's like you're flirting and you're getting dressed up to go out and

Willow 19:35

And you're getting texts and you're

Leah 19:36

other the music that you like, and you're going on adventures and you know you're making out. I mean, once you're in a long-term relationship, what was the last time you French kissed? So

Willow 19:47

For hours.

Leah 19:49

that looked like spontaneous, spontaneous desire in the beginning, but actually there were a lot of responsive desire actions that brought that horness out of your partner. So it's not that there's something broken in them or that they're shut down, or even that their libido is low when yours is high, it's that there needs to be more external stimuli to bring out that person's turn on. And so that's the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire. Now, share with us a little bit, Willow, anything on top of that, that you are at the top of your mind or what is Cultivated

Willow 20:23

well, I think, I think, um, before we go there, you know, talking about, uh, spontaneous desire, I feel like this is really, you know, for the most part, this is what happens for penis owners because they've got that testosterone, right? It's a very physiological thing. Their, their brain and their penis are very connected, and it's like they see something, they're horny. Well, that would be external response. So

Leah 20:50

Yeah, I wanna be careful that we don't over generalize that spontaneous desires men and responsive desires women, because I think that's not true.

Willow 20:58

I think it's, it's not, it's just a, um, it's a high I, yeah. Absolutely.

Leah 21:06

but I

Cultivating Sexual Energy

Willow 21:07

sure it's a higher percentage. But I know women who, um, like have to self cultivate or masturbate, you know, four or five times a day and they just have to go take care of themselves. Their partners are, you know, not on board having that much sex every day. And so it does, it can go both ways. Say, because testosterone levels are higher in men, that that is one of the reasons that we probably have higher percentages of men who are living in that spontaneous desire place. I mean, they're waking up with an erection, you know, out of, out of sleep.

Leah 21:43

Yeah. But many men don't feel horny just'cause they have an erection.

Willow 21:47

true That, true that, yeah. Although when they do have that erection, they do equate it to, I should do something with this. I think for the most part, I don't know. I don't

Leah 21:57

on the age. Yeah.

Willow 21:59

Yeah, that's true

Leah 22:01

Um, I think for a lot of penis owners, especially as they get older, their penis needs more convincing that you want them. That you desire them in order for them to sustain the erection and to go as far as to do the act itself. And I would say like percentage wise that I see in my private practice and even, in my own life experience. Men tend to be the one that wants it more and that is ready for it more and is hungry for it. It's not uncommon for penis owners to be described as, you know, verbal affirmation and communication is, it's like how they feel connected is through intimacy, is through touch. And what is the old saying? I don't wanna get it messed up, but it's like, In order for men to feel connected, they use sex as the medium to get that connection. In order for women to feel connected, they need to feel connected before they can have sex.

Willow 23:01

They need to feel emotionally connected too, before they can have

Leah 23:04

yeah, yeah.

Willow 23:06

Yeah. And I, yeah, and I think, you know, for, for me,'cause when we were chatting about this the other day in the car, I was thinking, gosh, I think I have both, you know, I think I have a, a balance of both. And, and, you know, you, you were challenging me thinking, saying, oh, maybe you probably have more, you know, um,

Leah 23:26

I was just curious. I was asking you questions to go, huh? I really wonder if that's true. That's

Willow 23:30

Yeah.

Leah 23:31

interesting to be both. So tell me a little bit more like

Willow 23:34

So, yeah.

Leah 23:35

horny in the

Willow 23:36

Because I do feel horny a lot. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I get turned on pretty, pretty easily. And of course, it's related to my cycle. It's related to my menstrual cycle. And also I'm not in a long-term relationship where I am dealing with the same person sexually and intimately day in and day out. So there's those factors. You know, I've definitely been in long-term relationships for, you know, long periods of time where I was not as horny as I am now that I'm, you know, playing in different arenas. Um, but

Leah 24:13

when I was single than in a long-term relationship.

Willow 24:16

Yeah, I think that's kind of normal and natural. But I will say that, you know, since I've been doing taoist sexology practices the last 20 years, and every time I bring myself to a climax, I, I roll that climax up through my body and into my adrenal glands, which is where your sexual energy is stored according to Chinese. And I bring it up into my brain and into the pineal gland, and into the pituitary, into the hypothalamus. And I get to have these like, sort of rolling and building orgasms that, you know, I'll, I'll run at least three, if not six or nine of these through my whole system every time before I have the full over the waterfall, as we say, orgasm. And sometimes I won't even have the full orgasm. So, you know, that, that being said, there's just, there's still so much territory to explore for, for me, for somebody who's been doing this work for decades, you know, but I do think because I am kind of, and I'm always tending to my adrenals, I'm always tending to my kidneys because that's where sexual energy is stored in my viewpoint from the lens of of Taoism. And so with the Qigong practices, I do with the breath work I do while I'm swimming in the pool with the herbs and the peptides that I take, you know, with everything I do, I'm kind of always tending to, because not only is your adrenals and your kidneys, the, the cauldron that holds your Jing Chi, your sexual energy, but it's also the place that your vitality comes from, your, uh, creativity, your energy. So, you know, always bringing that into the equation with everything I do, even with the food I eat, even with how I chew, you know, like all of it is, is oriented to that. And that's just because I've been teaching this and studying it and, you know, I used my own body as a, um, as a, as a field to experiment with all the time. And so. You know, and then again, I am heading into perimenopause, but I'm doing it with a lot of consciousness. But I definitely feel a difference between the time when I'm approaching ovulation to the time when I'm, you know, right post cycle. So there's, hormones play a huge role in all of it I will say that. And um, and I think cultivating consistently and on a regular basis. You know, when I say the word cultivating, I mean building up my sexual energy within the places in my body where I feel it is best stored for later use. And where were we? Oh, we were in Portugal after we did the women's retreat in Greece. And, um, we were driving around the Algarve, which is so lovely. If you've never been to southern Portugal, it's just a region, the Algarve, it's gorgeous. And I had this one, um, this one track playing over and over, and it was just like the sun was shining and the track was playing, the music was going, and it just was so easy for me to get turned on and aroused in that in that environment. So it was, yes, I was responding to the environment around me. And also I think, you know, I cultivate having a high libido. I don't think I came in with a high libido. I definitely did not come in with a lot of energy, in a lot of vitality. So it's. Why this path has sort of pulled me onto it so strongly, I believe, because I noticed a huge difference once I started doing the practices. I was like, oh my God, I, I can stay awake through my classes, you know, my Chinese medicine classes where I used to fall asleep, and I, I just had so much more energy and vitality and I was waking up earlier and going to bed earlier and just had more, it used to be a super night owl and I would sleep in super late, like I had a really. Imbalanced, um, circadian rhythm and just imbalanced hormones and imbalanced gut health and all the things, you know, I was anorexic for years, so I really did a number on myself in my teens and I, it took me a long time to find a path that I could, like, not only use food and medicines and herbs and things like that, but also use energy to, to heal and to balance my system.

Leah 28:54

That's, that's interesting. We're a little opposite. I think I came in with a very high libido, and felt pretty horny, like from age five on. and then found myself in healing vortexes and then eventually in long term relationships where things started to emotionally shut down. And it's made it a little harder to feel eros. and one of the things that I've started to take responsibility for in regards to the fact that I have a more of a responsive desire nervous system is to really think about and be intentional and use my brilliant mind in its imagination to find things that warm me up and turn me on. For so much of like the early part of my training and Tantra. It was always be present, never fantasize. Never ever fantasize. You're doing it wrong if you're fantasizing. And at this stage of my life, I'm like, what a bunch of fucking bullshit. Do what works. Like if you got a hot, erotic place in your imagination plug in, turn on, and then get present. You know, like, uh, dip into that hot erotic place in your mind, and then come back and share it with your partner. There's ways to take that erotic imagination and bring it to the table so that it becomes a part of your playground. And so I'm really aware of tuning into my senses and allowing, especially the feeling of my skin to bring me into a turned on place, like just having my vulva bear and feeling the air and spreading my legs and paying a real attention to the hotspots and the cool spots in the room and the fabric beneath me and the hair on my brow and the breath above my lip. All these things bring me into a sensual turned on state, but it's also external like, I don't, one of the things that feels so frustrating when you have responsive desire is you start to feel like it's up to everyone outside of you to get you there, and that is such a crapshoot. It becomes a setup for your partner that has to guess and figure out how do you get turned on. And then it leaves you feeling a little impotent because you just don't feel turned on. So like how can you ever get in the mood? You have to kind of go, what are the things externally that I can engage in that I can be responsible for that, that get things plumped up down there, whether you're a penis owner or a vulva owner. So for me, the discovery of erotica has been novel. I mean, God, you guys have heard me on the show for seriously the last five or six years. There's some erotica that drives me into the bedroom to masturbate. I am shitting you, not sometimes self pleasuring 10 to 12 times in a day. Like they don't have it quite as often as I would like now probably because I'm too well versed now in all these books. I need some new inspiration. But I think that's one of the reasons why people are driven towards porn is because it gives them a connection to the erotic that they can then carry inside of themselves. So we have to find healthy ways that bring us, porn isn't, um, is a little more. Ah, I don't wanna use the word, um, dangerous necessarily, but can be problematic. So without going deep into that,

Willow 32:29

It's you just, you know, I think porn can also be good medicine. It's just, it's just like anything, you have to dose it. Right. You know?

Leah 32:37

It can be great inspiration, but also

Find Your Accelerators

Willow 32:39

dose them, right. You know everything, you gotta dose it, right? It's all about the balance. And that's one of the things I love so much about, you know, the taoist path is it's like we're looking for the, the place where it's just enough to make a shift and to make a change. But we are still involved, you know, rather than overriding our systems and, um, needing that external stimulus to be the, the thing that always gets us there.

Leah 33:08

But I think responsive desire, external stimulus is actually really important. But you can be the creator of the external stimulus. It's, it's external stimulus is actually mandatory for me. It's not something I can just leave off the table.

Willow 33:21

Yeah. Yeah. No,

Leah 33:22

be activated.

Willow 33:24

But it's done in, in a balanced way where it's like, okay, I need this much external stimulus to get turned on, to get revved up, and then, and then I'm there. I'm using my, my internal response from that point. So you're meeting the external stimulus.

Leah 33:38

I think it's interesting that you use like nutrition and supplements and exercise and like all these sort of holistic physical things, and I actually need imagination and sensation and emotional context to bring me into my responsive openness. Um, I think

Willow 33:59

I'm sure I would get turned on if I read those erotica books. I just, I'm always too busy reading health books.

Leah 34:06

right, you would rather read about meditation and

Willow 34:08

will get

Leah 34:09

read about B-D-S-M-I

Willow 34:12

I will say driving across Italy, I was living, listening to, um, a Sacred Kink, fantastic book. Really, really good. Lee Harrington, and it had so many different like ideas and scenarios and different pathways. To opening up eroticism all in the name of connecting deeper to yourself, you know, all in the name of knowing yourself deeper. And I mean, there were some things that, that he was talking about. I was like, oh my God, I would never do that. You know, and then other things I was like, oh, I had never thought of that. That's intriguing. You know? And then of things that I have tried and

Leah 34:47

Well, what are they?

Willow 34:48

have enjoyed.

Leah 34:49

give us examples.

Willow 34:51

Oh gosh, I can't think of anything right now off the top of my head. But like, um, you know, things that I don't feel intrigued or interested in, that I feel like a, a hell no to, or, you know, like drawing blood and, you know, deeper kind of, um, that kind of, you know, more intense physical kink stuff. Also, I feel a little bit

Leah 35:15

Wait, I am confused. Um, what about the stuff that you would be less compelled? Are you saying

Willow 35:22

Like, like drawing blood.

Leah 35:24

or you're not, you're still not compelled? Like those would be the breaks versus the accelerators.

Willow 35:29

I would be a hell no to these things.

Leah 35:31

Okay. And that is, and that's relevant because,

Willow 35:36

You just asked me what are some of the things, so I'm going through them.

Leah 35:39

Okay. So I just was, I was, I was getting confused as to what direction you were going in. I was thinking more solution oriented,

Willow 35:47

Yeah, I don't know. I started, it, started with the things that I was a no to. Um

Leah 35:52

but wait, wait. I wanna pause you there, because I think that's super interesting, especially for vulva owners because we usually start with what we don't want.

Willow 36:01

mm-hmm.

Leah 36:02

And so that would be the breaks. But what is some of the stuff that I am, I'm actually reading is like we get stuck in always communicating the breaks and the shit we don't want, and then we have a hard time ever arriving to what turns us on and what helps us press the accelerator. So one theory is like we've already know pretty well the shit we don't want. Let's focus on the things that we do want. That's the harder question. And I think we go to what we don't want because that's an easier question. I just find that really

Willow 36:35

interesting. That's interesting. Yeah. I, for me in this moment, totally possible that I did that, but I also wanted to get the know things out of the way so I can get to the good shit.

Leah 36:46

Sure, sure, sure.

Willow 36:47

That's where my mind was. But that is interesting a lot of vulva the owners, they know what they don't want, but they don't know what they do want. I mean, that makes perfect

Leah 36:58

And so, you know, like their partners are like, oh, I know the list of what she doesn't like, trust me. You know?

Willow 37:02

Right, right, right, right. Totally.

Leah 37:04

but like, but then like the list of like what we do like is so tiny and I have, I feel so much sadness about that, um, both for, you know, parts of my life that, that lived years with that. Uh, and for so many of the women, you know, that come to our workshops and like. We, it's not normalized for us to really speak out loud or even investigate that there's probably a whole beautiful erotic universe that we haven't even allowed ourselves to explore or look into. Because we, we don't know how. We don't know what to say. It's embarrassing or it's awkward, or like there's some sort of condition response that goes, oh, then I would be a slut, or then I would be a bad girl, or then I would be like this person, or I would be a pervert or I would go to hell. I mean, all the stuff that's so invest, invest.

Willow 37:55

Investigated.

Leah 37:58

Uh, yeah. So it's like, I, I really wanna, I really wanna exclamation point that it might be really different, our libido, if we spent more time figuring out our accelerators and not worry about the brakes so much, the brakes will happen naturally. You don't have to analyze that as much as you know, showing up for what turns you on. And it's okay.'cause those things also change. Like the things that turned me on in my thirties, I find kind of boring now.

Willow 38:32

Well, and they change day to day throughout your cycle, you

Leah 38:35

And then you've got your cycle, and then you've got, yeah, like

Willow 38:38

Okay, so let me get to my accelerators then.

Leah 38:41

All right. Finally knock it

Increasing Sexual Tension

Willow 38:42

Okay. So, um, so some of the things that I was like, oh, that sounds intriguing, that could be hot, was, you know, I, I love rope play, so I wanna get more into that. Um, and learning the different ties and, and also being tied up, love being tied up. Um, and then. I love the, um, I love the sensation and I love the, uh, I love the way it makes like my, you know, like my nipples feel or my hips feel, or like, I so very sensational for me. And then also if my partner is kind of like you know, controlling me by the harness of the ropes or whatever that, that feels like, okay, yeah, like you're in control and I'm not. So that's fun. I, I think I'm a pretty, pretty good switch. I get turned on by being in a more dominant position and also in a more sub position. Um, another thing though was that, that I haven't even really thought much about though I've seen it, is the suspension, you know, where you're actually getting like tie it up and then pulled up and you're just, you're totally immobile. You can't move at all. Um, some of it sounds really uncomfortable physically, and you know, you, I think of us thinking about you while I was driving across Italy. I'm like, oh, Leah would hate that.

Leah 40:00

I don't like being uncomfortable. I do like ropes.

Willow 40:03

Okay.

Leah 40:04

reasons.

Willow 40:05

Yeah. One of the scenarios was where the, the woman was like, she only had one foot on the ground, but she, the rest of her was like suspended and so after a long period of time her, that whole leg started shaking and the foot, you know, it got really painful and um, but the whole thing for her was just this cathartic place where she met this place inside of herself that, you know, she felt like she couldn't stand on her own two feet or something. I can't

Leah 40:34

Uh huh. So there's like metaphorical meaning that was

Willow 40:37

Yeah, yeah.

Leah 40:38

Yeah.

Willow 40:39

always, there's always this metaphorical meeting and so, um, yeah, I just think. As far as, you know, the mind being such an important part of our sexuality, like we get so stuck in a, a way of sexuality that it's like, it's always this, this is what sex is in our relationships. So of course it's like, ah, drudgery. I don't wanna, you know, it's like I need something different. Some kind of new stimulation or some kind of new creative experience and really like the. The vastness of what's possible within sexuality is so, it's as big as the universe. Like it's really wide and vast. I mean, I did something last night with, uh friend, you know, who wasn't even in the room with me that I have never done before. And it was just so erotic. It was so erotic and it was just totally creative, spontaneous in the moment. And, um, yeah, you never know, you never know what's possible when you just stay with like the places where you're like, I don't know if I'm okay with that. That feels shameful. That feels wrong. That feels bad. Well, let me try. Let me just go that direction a little bit and see, okay. You stretch into it. You stretch into it in the moment, and then it starts to stretch you and then, oh my God, you did something amazing that you're like, wow. Never did that before.

Leah 42:09

I, I think shame is a really interesting arrow. It can be a golden arrow to some where some eros, some turn on reside. Um, I think that's kind of scary thing to encounter for a lot of people at first. Um, you know, I'll say some of my accelerators are feeling someone's eyes undress me, um, being undressed and not being touched yet, but having someone like with their eyes desire me or then sort of. Maneuver my body, open up my body, be in control of my body position so that they can look at me more. So there's something about someone's desire through their eyes in a way that I can feel them looking at me. And there's a real energetic connection to that. And energy is. One of these things that I have also found, um, which is not normally spoken about in normal vanilla life, do people think about how important energy is to the acceleration of sexual tension and therefore turn on for a lot of nervous systems. I love to feel someone come towards my vulva and before they even touch it, they're like a half an inch away. I can feel them almost there. Or like someone breathing on the side of my neck before they kiss my neck. So there are certain things that I think externally can heighten someone's libido, with teasing, you know? So sometimes it's like having someone, you're doing dishes and they just pepper kisses up and down your neck and then they walk out of the room. And then they come back and then they dry the dishes for you. You know what I mean? Like for a lot of women,

Willow 43:53

that's erotic,

Leah 43:54

their libido will go up if you help with chores. And especially when they don't have to ask you to do them, it suddenly frees up their free time. I can't tell you they're actually, there's been a lot of research regarding that. and I think that that is super super relevant that if you are raising kids, if you are busy with jobs and raising kids, especially help your partner out. They'll probably wanna have sex with you more.

Willow 44:22

Yeah, absolutely. It's so true. So let us know how you are gonna create more responsive desire within your relationship. We wanna hear more ideas. Your ideas can bleed into other people's lives and create a whole new world. So share them in the comments and, um, we hope you enjoyed this episode.

Leah 44:43

See on the flip side.

Speaker 44:44

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and positive psychology facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine doctor and Taoist Taxology teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget your comments, like subscribes and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.