The Sex Reimagined Podcast

Leah & Dr. Willow: 20-30% of Women Suffer | What We Discovered About Vaginismus Will Shock You | #167

• Leah Piper and Dr. Willow Brown • Season 4 • Episode 167

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Breaking the Silence: The Truth About Painful Sex That Almost No One Is Talking About. Are you one of the 20-30% of women experiencing painful penetration, feeling like your body is betraying you while the world stays silent about sexual wellness? Painful sex affects up to 35% of women worldwide at some point in their lives, yet most suffer in silence. Whether you've been diagnosed with vaginismus, dyspareunia, or genito-pelvic pain penetration disorder, you're not alone—and more importantly, you're not broken. In this episode of Sex Reimagined, tantric experts Leah Piper and Dr. Willow Brown expose the truth about painful sex that medical professionals rarely discuss. They reveal why traditional diagnoses often miss the mark and share revolutionary somatic therapy techniques that are transforming women's sexual wellness around the globe.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS

  • The Permission That Changes Everything: "Something bad didn't have to happen to you in order for this to occur"—Leah dismantles the myth that sexual trauma is required for painful penetration, offering relief to countless women blaming themselves
  • Ancient Wisdom: Dr. Willow shares the profound Taoist teaching that sexual essence (Jing) and your true self are the same word—reframing sexuality from shame to sacred life force energy
  • The Pain-Pleasure Connection: Discover the neuroscience breakthrough that pain and pleasure activate the same brain receptors, meaning your greatest challenge could become your pathway to earth-shattering orgasms
  • Partner Communication Magic: Get the exact scripts that work—"I really like what you're doing and I want to feel it even more, so if you could slow down to half speed, I probably could feel it even more"—language that heals instead of hurts
  • The Somatic Breakthrough Technique: Learn the step-by-step breath and sound method to move trauma out of tissues—breathe the "block" up to your throat, give it a voice, and vibrate it out of your body for real, lasting healing

LINKS & RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE CAN BE FOUND ON THE WEBSITE, CLICK HERE


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Willow:

If sex has ever felt painful, scary, or like your body is just betraying you, you are not alone. And today we're telling the truth about painful sex that almost no one is talking about. I just got back from Turkey and it was just fascinating talking to some of the young women there things that they don't have anyone to talk about with. they had been diagnosed with Vaginismus. So I wanted to do an episode, for all women around the world,'cause it's a pretty rampant diagnosis who have been suffering from painful sex, which we will kind of in this episode will outline the different sort of diagnoses that are out there and we'll talk about some solutions.

Leah:

Yes. Yay to solutions. So everyone, this is the painful sex episode. Tune in honey. Let's get you turned down. You're gonna need it for this one, and let's fall in love with Leah and Willow.

Announcer:

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame-free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.

Willow:

,So let's talk about the different types of painful sex that are diagnosed by the DSM. And the DSM, by the way, is the, um, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. So a lot of women who are walking away with the diagnosis of vaginismus and another very similar diagnosis, which we'll talk about in a moment. Um. They are, it's, it's considered, uh, related to shame, related to guilt related to uncertainty related to fear. So a lot of emotional, um, relation to this particular diagnosis. Not to mention, um, there is a.

Leah:

you saying meaning it's all in your head?

Willow:

Well, here's what I've found in working with women who have this, is that when we can, um, get them out of a state of fear, because what happens is this outer layer of the vaginal tissues, like the third outer layer clamps down and it basically says Uhuh not open for business

Leah:

Fight, flight, or fear, right.

Willow:

Yeah. And so like

Leah:

dumps.

Willow:

Yeah, nothing can go inside. Like, not even a pinky finger, you know, much less a vibrator or a cock. And so there's this, yeah, the whole nervous system is in this fight or flight state, and they, they don't know how to get out of it. So it in my personal experience with working with women like this, getting them into a state of relaxation, into an open state, into rest and digest state, where their nervous system is actually in laughter, in joy, in tears, you know, moving a lot of this emotional stagnation. I mean, one of the things we're always saying is the issues in the tissues, right? And so we want to, um, support women with this, whether we're their partner or a practitioner, um, or even a friend, point them to this episode. You know, we want to support them in, uh, finding their, their way to a more open and relaxed state in their nervous system.

Leah:

Okay, so let's, let's us also hear about this other diagnosis you mentioned earlier.

Willow:

So the other one is called, um, dys, Parnia Dysphonia, which really simply means pain with sex. So what the DSM uh, diagnostic manual is saying is that, um, dysphonia is more of a physical disorder, whereas vaginismus is more tied to psychological trauma, conditioning, fear, those kinds of psychological things. However, the DSM more recently put them under the same category, basically calling them the same thing, which is genital pelvic pain or penetration disorder. And here's the, the difference of what they're saying. This is why I'm like, I don't even know if we need a diagnosis because they sound the same to me. Um, the trauma difference is dysphonia often correlates with sexual abuse. So if it's purely, if they're calling it purely physical disorder, it's related to sexual abuse. If they're calling it psychological, vaginismus, psychological and physical disorder, then it correlates to sexual and emotional abuse. And I, in my mind, I'm like, okay, if there's sexual abuse, there's emotional

Leah:

emotional abuse. Yeah. I gimme a break.

Willow:

Yeah. And so I'm like, all right. Uh, okay.

Leah:

There's lots of women who have painful sex, painful penetration. Let's be actually even more, more specific.'cause oftentimes sex can mean a lot of things and there's lots of pleasure. A lot of these women are orgasmic. But when it comes to penetration is where it becomes unbearable and um, and a lot of these women do not have a sexual history that is traumatic in nature. I've worked with lots of women who trauma are not, is not really a part of what's happening.

Willow:

Right

Leah:

lots of women who are,

Willow:

Right. I know, I know. And so the, this, these two sort of disorders, one physical and one psychological, but both based in sexual abuse. I mean they, and, and what you're talking, they're both about pain on penetration. So, um.

Leah:

yeah.

Willow:

Uh, both of these, uh, women who have had these diagnoses, they can have a lot of pleasure on the outside of the vulva, which as we're always teaching, is where the majority of the nerve endings are on the outside of the vulva. Now, I'm curious, Leah, with your clients that you've worked with who have had, um, you know, who've had pain just with penetration and no history of sexual abuse. Do they have a history of, uh, religious upbringing, shame, guilt, those kinds of things around sexuality?

Leah:

Um, other traumas, for instance, eating disorders have been a theme. Um, so there could be that there's still trauma in their background, but it doesn't have to be sexual in nature for it to be penetratively painful. And the reason why this is really important to make these distinctions is because we may be having someone listening to this who thinks, well, I haven't been sexually abused and I'm still in pain, so there must be something different wrong with me. And then it just becomes this miracle round of what's wrong, what's wrong? What's wrong when it doesn't have to be anything. Something bad didn't have to happen to you in order for this to occur. It could be because someone is just holding, they're gripping their pelvic floor to manage stress. They could be anxious oriented. There's all sorts of things that we can't point to, to go this is the reason why. It can give someone actually a lot of relief to be able to point at something and go, okay, this makes sense. This is happening because this other thing happened. So I can understand why someone would really like, crave the answer. But I think if we can just strip it down to its simplicity that there's actually, it's, I how difficult and, and there's probably some emotional grief to go if you are struggling with painful sex, to just like hold that just in its simplicity, sex hurts. And you have every reason to feel sad and to feel grief, and to feel frustration, and to feel whatever you're feeling. You don't have to be pathologized in order to search for a solution and if you do have something traumatic that's happened in your future, um, that's okay too. And doesn't it make a lot of sense why your body may be gripping? Or holding or seeking desperately for control when everything outside of you feels like it's outside of your control. Whether that is, and we'll talk more about this religious conditioning that has made sex so shameful. Or other types of cultural conditioning that says sex is just for men and women have to endure it. Or something like an eating disorder, which feels like it's the only thing you have control over. So your body grips to control that mechanism in your system. You know, all these things do sort of feed into why are we holding, why are we gripping so intensely and and why is there so much tremendous fear underneath the approach of penetration? And there's so much symbolism too, right? To allowing something else to come inside of your body. There's a lot of psychic, energetic impact from allowing something inside your body that, you know, just sitting back, we can make sense of that. Right.

Willow:

Absolutely. And you know, all of, all of what you're saying. I mean, I couldn't agree more. I, I think that, you know, there is, there is a, a sort of a rest, when we get a diagnosis, we're like, oh, okay, well that's what it is and we can, we can put it in a box, we can identify it, we can look for a solution. Um, but really what you're saying is so right on. I totally agree is that, you know, let's simplify it. There's pain on penetration, there's pelvic pain during sex. You know, there's, if there's pain on the outer vulva, all of it is pointing to, there's some sense of, I'm not safe. This doesn't feel, um, you know, there's no pleasure here. And so I think that if we can really, um, bring women too. To that point, then we can start to, uh, heal from that place forward.'cause there's so much within the Tantric practices, within the Daoist practices that can move pain. I mean, Leah and I both do it all the time on our own bodies and on other women's bodies, and it's, um, it's very, very effective. Um, just a little bit of statistics on these, uh, particular, pain on penetration diagnoses, the Vaginismus missing the dysphonia. in the US it's 20 to 30% of women experience this kind of painful sex at some point in their life, and many of them never report it. in Europe, it's anywhere between. 8 to 28% who actually report it. and in conservative or religious regions, the numbers are definitely higher. Than in the Middle East uh, you know, I was in Turkey when I was like, oh, we gotta do an episode on this.'cause I'm talking to these women and they. They can't even go to a therapist and talk about sexuality. They have no one to talk about sexuality with, and nobody's teaching them about their anatomy of arousal and nobody's teaching their partners. Their partners don't know what they're doing either. So in Middle East, north African countries, studies find that vaginismus rates are above 20%, which is really high. And many women don't seek help because of stigma. So very, very, they, they might be giving these diagnosees, but then there's really nowhere for them to go to, uh, to heal. And you know, it was just fascinating for me to be sitting there with a couple of these young women, they're in their twenties, you know, like 28, approaching 30 in that range, 25 to 28, and, um. They, they, as soon as I said, oh, I'm, I'm a sexual healer, I teach about sexuality. They, I mean, they latched onto me. Can I ask you some questions? You know, and they just had so much that they wanted to talk about and they wanted to, you know, I wanna be good at sex, but my, my husband or my partner says that I'm not, and I don't know what I'm doing. And, you know, I watch porn and I can't do those positions. It hurts way too much, you know, and it's like, so, and they're like, so what do I do? And I'm like, oh, geez, where do we begin? You know? And. Um, so one of the places that I was really enco encouraging them to begin was to find their own. Own pleasure in their body, not even in their yoni. Don't even go inside, don't even go around the yoni. Just find pleasure in your body. Find sensuality in your body. Find, um, a dance, a flow, a movement, a form that gives you delight and pleasure in your body. So I was teaching them, you know, like what we teach sex magic practices and things like that where you set up a whole ritual and, you know, get the music and the, and the Tao get all of your sense organs involved. And, um, and eventually over time, you know, do that every new moon in Full Moon and eventually over time when you've started loving your body, because I think there is this like sort of background or, or innate sort of hatred for your body when you're not able to have what you should be able to have pleasurable sex. And so if they can just start loving their bodies. To begin with, um, I think it makes a huge difference in them being able to then use a dilator or use a finger or use something to go inside and to start to open up more of what we do with the pelvic floor sweep work.

Leah:

Yeah, I think those statistics are just devastating. It makes me so sad. Um, because pleasure's for everybody and there's so much beauty, there's so much delight, there's so much ecstasy to be found and being penetrated. And, you know, we've had this, you know, statistic since I think Masters and Johnsons that that showed that the majority of women. Don't have any pleasure and penetrative sex. It's all on the outside. And so women have been also made to believe and conditioned to believe that the only source of pleasure is in their clitoris. And actually there's a lot of ways that we can receive deep soulful penetration, orgasmic release from penetration also. And so even though a lot of what we know about sex all seems to be viewed, much of our sex ed education seems to be viewed from male oriented sex, which is very much penetrative oriented. Um, it's like we, I feel like as a culture, we need to broaden our potential for, for pleasure way outside the genital boundaries to go there are so many ways to have orgasmic bliss and to have sexual intimacy. is inclusive of genitals, that is inclusive of penetration, and that is inclusive of the biggest sex organ in the body, which is not just the brain friends, it's skin. And so if we can learn how to find pleasure all over our body, through our skin, through this sense of touch, and the more consciousness we put towards that touch, the safer we'll feel. The and which is so key, I think, especially for women. In order for our bodies to unwind and open, we have to relax enough to allow the pleasure to surround our senses, and so for our partners to catch up to that is really, really important. Just from the first educational factor. Yes, women need to go on a fact finding mission. Of what brings them pleasure and joy and sensation. And then our partners need to slow down, especially if they're with a partner who is having a hard time, um, finding that rest and digest place where they're not clinching filled with anxiety because they know that there's gonna be some sort of sexual expectation on their system to open for them.

Willow:

Yeah, and I think this is why it's so important to sort of get it on the calendar a couple times a month. It doesn't have to be the new moon and full Moon. That's my thing. Do it, you know, one, two, at least one time, if not two times a month, where you're, you're actually taking penetration totally out of the equation. Like going into a sensual, uh, experience bringing more pleasure, cultivating more joy, cultivating more, um, that this is okay. Yeah. Letting your body and your cells know like this is not, it's not just okay, like it's good, it's healthy. Oh my God. I feel more alive when I, when I have this experience. And because there's no expectation of penetration at the end of this sort particular kind of session, you can just really relax into it and you're starting to then tell your tissues and tell your body, um, sex is not dirty, it's not dangerous. Um, men don't need it. Women don't have to endure it. But actually the opposite, like sex is enlivening, it's enlightening. It's filled with health and vitality. Um, you know, when, when I'm in my sexuality, when I'm in my essence, I feel so much more connected to my core true self. And that was another thing that was so sweet. Um. This young girl, I was telling her, you know, in the Taoist system, and in Taoism we call, um, the word for sexual essence is Jing. And the word for, um, for, for you your true self. I, I was like, do you know what that word means? Essence? She's like, no. I was like, it's like your true, true self. And she's like, okay. And I was like, yeah, it's the same word, Jing. So it's like sexuality and Jing. True essence and, and sexual energy. They're all the same thing. And I sort of like fainted. I was like, see, and I started to do some of the breath work that we teach and I started to kind of run some energy up through my body and I was like, see, you can see my essence when I do that, right? And she was like, oh yeah, her eyes got really big and wide. And she was like, oh, okay. I get it. You know? And it was just so cool to To just impart a little bit of wisdom so that, um, so that, you know, we could start to, for them, it could start to reframe what sexuality is because I think so many women around the world are like, well, isn't it just this, you know, it just in and out real fast and furious and no, it is not, it's so much more than that. Um, so it's, it's really powerful to sort of, you know, reframe what sexuality can be.

Leah:

Yeah, I love, I love that. I think that reframing is such a beautiful place to start because if you've grown up in a culture that makes sex bad or bad, or wrong, or dirty or sinful or shameful, or something to be afraid of, or something that makes you wrong if you were to enjoy it because it somehow takes away from your purity. Reframing is like so critical. To see that there is actually something in it for you that is actually sacred, that is life force, that is connected to essence. I love that word that allows you to be at a soul level that actually can unite on a deeper level with maybe that deep faith-based thing that's called love, that you can actually find a new definition so that it can take you deeper into your faith. Because so many people who are suffering from this are actually due to faith-based control, that kind of, that is sort of controlling who their identity, who their, what their identity is allowed to experience, and so some reframing and some restructuring so that you can have a new identity that doesn't necessarily have to take you out of a faith that may be vitally important to you still. This is really reminding me of, uh, an episode we released just a couple weeks ago with Ann Russo, who's a therapist who works, um, in particular with people who are faith-based culture that are struggling with their sexual identity, um, and wanting to find a way to stay in their faith also be sexual. And so for a lot of you that may be listening, who struggling with painful penetrative sex, this is where working on it from a couple different levels could really help you overcome uh, what's going on with your system and your body and your, and your ability to have pleasure? And that is get with a therapist who has experience in helping you reframe as Dr. Willa just mentioned, how the meaning behind what it means for you as a woman to receive pleasure. And to get outta fear and shame if there's a lot of layers and shame that come from being sexually in your body because you can't just change thought forms really fast and go, okay, I don't wanna feel shame, therefore I won't anymore. You gotta really kind of parse it out and, and build a new psychological framework. So that you can actually settle into your body with a new frame. I think that's really critically important. And then another layer to all of this, um, which we've talked about many times on the podcast, Willow mentioned it briefly, just the issues are in the tissues. So we have a way of using our mind, which is what's the meaning we wanna cultivate to, to what our experience is and how can we change the meaning, the belief to positively affect the body's response. And then secondarily is now let's actually be in presence with the parts that are painful. Can I be present when I'm just holding and cupping my vulva on my own and I'm noticing what are the sensations that are arising? Is it physical sensation that actually aches and hurts, that feels bruised, tender, sharp? You know, starting to identify what is the sound of the sensation, um, whether it's titillation and maybe pleasure at your clitoris, or whether it feels like a sharp knife at your clitoris and it's not pleasurable, can you be in presence while you're having a sensation that is unpleasing? And instead of trying to go deeper into the pain, just stay there. Don't go any further. I think sometimes when you're working with an unskilled practitioner or a partner who has no training and helping you like kind of rebuild a different capacity to sensation is we go faster or harder at the spot that has the pain thinking we're gonna rub this out. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna power through, we're going to, we're gonna bring more grit to us trying to heal this ache. And, um, I would advise against that. You'll get more traction if you stay there. But back up any pressure, back up a little bit. Give a little bit of breathing room between the touch and the painful tissue. Just stay present there, or the person who's receiving, or if you are doing this to yourself, which I highly recommend, it may be easier for you to begin by having a, uh, what we call sex magic practice by yourself. Where you are the one who's monitoring, you know, how fast you're going and how much sensation, discomfort, uncomfortable sensation you're building. But the key here, the thing I want you to think about is less is more. Baby steps. You're breathing and you're studying the sensation, and then you talk to the tissue, you ask it questions like, what's important for me to know right now? Let me make the sound of this ache, this burn, this rip, this tear, this hotspot, this sensation. What else do you wanna say about somatical uh, release work.

Willow:

Well, uh, well first of all, I wanna highlight what Leah's saying, which is to, you know, less, less is more like even, even to back off, like as soon as you feel an uncomfortable, unpleasant sensation. And. Instead of going deeper, go go further back so that you have a little bit of leeway, a little bit of a little bit of space to actually be with the sensation more. Then identify what is the sensation? Is it sharp? Is it dull? Is it achy? Is it burny? You know, what is the actual sensation of it? Once you know the sensation, close your eyes and you know, some people are visual and some are not. And just see like when I feel that sensation, when I breathe into it, do I see anything? Do I see any images or shapes or colors? Um, do I see a face of some sort? You know, what do I see? And so once you kind of have a visual, and some people, like I said, get visuals and some don't then go to emotion. What's, what emotion is there? So if you see a face, then what's the emotion that's attached to it? If you don't see anything at all, go to emotion, you know, and you'll find, oh, I feel, I feel shame, or I feel, um, I feel dirty, or I feel bad, or I feel wrong. Um,

Leah:

just feel ick. You know, it makes my stomach clench, it makes my breath get short. You know, you start to identify what, what other holding happens in the body. Where else do you feel it?

Willow:

Exactly. And when you're feeling those, then now you're getting into the issues that are stuck in the tissues. So once you've got your emotion, possibly your visual, then you can start to work with it. Oh, what are you doing here? What is this ick feeling? What are you doing here? Why are you here? Just get curious with it and start asking it leading questions and talking to it. And so this is sort of a, a somato emotional release process, but you can also do a sound. Um, make a sound that sounds like that ick to move the, the'cause all stuck energy in the tissues is, is vibration. And so if we bring a vibration forward that matches that vibration that's stuck in the body, it will move it out. And so you make that sound again and again and again. Until you don't feel that sensation anymore, then you feel a different sensation. Okay, now it feels numb. I went from sharp burn to like, now it just feels like dead tissue. Okay.

Leah:

Right now, I feel like right, that numbness, there's a lot of grief and numbness. Numb is a feeling even if you think it's nothing. What's nothing? What's the sound of nothing?

Willow:

Yeah.

Leah:

In order to break up what is a block, an emotional block. So this is where we'd start bringing a little bit more of a Tantric framework to the practice itself. It's you're connecting your breath. So if you think about, okay, there are these blocks that are at the gateway of my vaginal, for instance, I have tremendous pain at the introitus area, which is where a lot of people feel tremendous amount of pain is right at that point of penetration.

Willow:

Is the opening.

Leah:

And so it's, it's like you go down and you imagine that there's a block blocking the way, and you take a deep breath in as if you could pull the block all the way up to your throat, and then you give the block a sound. What does the block, if it had a voice, what would it sound like? And so if it's a burning feeling, then you make a burning sound. If it's an. Owie bruised feeling you would make a bruised sound. Well, Leo, I don't know what bruised sounds like. Okay. Use a vowel harder or soft. Um, sometimes I'll use the word broy. Broy booy bruise. Tender. Tender, tender, tender. Tender. And I'll use the word to find a sound within the word. And so it is the breath that carries the block up to the throat. It is the sound vibration of the tone. That breaks up the crystallization of the block and takes it out of the body. So you're using breath and sound, which has pitch and frequency to move the sensation up and out of the body. That's how we start to peel back the layers that are stacked. On top of the pain and what most people who we've worked with come to realize is that when they've done a practice long enough, and usually it takes many practices to start to move away those layers, what those layers of pain are sitting on are some of the biggest, most stupendous, earth shattering, orgasmic experiences of your life. And then you'll start to notice the correlation between pain and pleasure, that they're the same receptors that activate pain in the brain are the same receptors that activate pleasure. So pain and pleasure are actually very close cousins, and they can, um, they can go very beautifully together. So a whole nother angle to this, once you've done a lot of somatic work, you can start to kink out a little bit on your relationship to pain. How can you transform pain into pleasure? How can you use pain as a catalyst to get you into pleasure? That's a little more advanced. It's not where I would start people off. Where I would start, you know, someone leap into from that angle, those, there are some people who head in that direction. I would say you start to create more meaning later on. At first you have to encounter in presence the, oh my God, this fucking sucks and I don't want this. And why are you here? And you need to get the fuck outta my life pain block.

Willow:

Yeah.

Leah:

Um, and you gotta kind of gotta make friends with it first.

Willow:

Yeah, so let's, um, recap a little bit. So, so to start, if you're like, oh, I don't even know where to begin, start with just having sensual sessions with yourself. Like, set up your space, make a little nest for yourself on the floor. Put some towels and blankets and pillows, and make sure you got a little bit of chocolate and blueberries nearby and you've got your good music playing and you've got some kind of scent wafting through the air and you're using. Oil on your skin and you're really just taking an hour to 90 minutes to just love up your body. Even if you only have 20 minutes, it

Leah:

Yeah, even if you keep your closed on the whole time, like you're loving on yourself, you're showing yourself approval.

Willow:

Start with a, a real, real focused, bringing your presence and your attention to a self-love practice, and do this several times a month, at least twice, if not three or four times a month. Then. When you are ready to go to the vulva and touch, we're not even talking about going inside the vagina. The vulvas, the outside vagina's inside. So just on the outside of your vulva and, and that if you're starting to feel like, ooh, hesitation, fear, contraction, pain. Then do what we're talking about now, all of this somato emotional release work. Um, and then I would say the next step would be to really educate yourself around the anatomy of your vulva. Because most of the nerve endings are on the outside of your vagina. There's actually not as many nerve endings at all inside the vagina. So

Leah:

probably what's more important is that you're connecting to the erectile tissue even more from the nerve endings. Don't worry about the nerve endings in the beginning. Just connect to the fact that you're, that you're bringing blood and you're bringing circulation, and that blood and circulation is gonna create expansion and relief to the tissue.

Willow:

Yeah, and it makes sense that penetration would be painful if there is like a lot of holding and gripping in these tissues on the outer vulva. you can go grab, um, what's her name's book,

Leah:

Our Sherry Winston episodes, we'll put those links in the show notes and of course, get Sherry Winston's book, um, female Anatomy of Arousal. Uh, there's another book I highly recommend, uh, that goes even deeper into the pain space regarding, uh, resolving pain. Uh, and that's called The Pleasure Prescription, um, by Elizabeth Wood and, oh, what's her name? Elizabeth Wood. Dee Dee Helman. Um, Dee's got a great video. I will put in the show notes, an excellent YouTube. It's pretty short, maybe five minutes max. And she's got three different women with three different types of. Vulvar pain and penetrative pain and she teaches different ways to get your legs in different positions, to contract the belly and then to release the leg. And I've got had great success in some of my sessions doing those three different exercises. They're things that you can do on your own, they're things you can do with the help of a partner. So I'll also put those in the show notes.

Willow:

And that would be the next thing to really, um, support you on your journey to healing is educate your partner. So show him these YouTube videos. Let him watch this podcast episode. Give him, give. Or her, give him the book, him or her the book um, and really like let them learn about how to, how to be with you in the state that you're in because it's gonna change and morph as you go on this journey. And so they need to be able to track and attune to what is shifting for you as you go on this journey. Um, there's also like some things that you could, you know, maybe have your partner say to you, um, while you are in a sexual exploration. You know, something like, you know, it's okay, we're, we're gonna just stay with whatever you're, you're feeling in this moment. We're not in any, we're not in any rush, or we don't have any agenda to go inside or to, you know, have penetrative sex at all. I just wanna, the point here is to be in connection with you. So partners need to learn these words and learn this language in order to support you on your journey.

Leah:

Yeah. And then to also find other ways that sensuality gives you great pleasure and it's really fun and exciting for you. And that's also like maybe you need to also consider how do I give pleasure that I could get more pleasure from? So if you're feeling like sexuality in any form is an obligation or a chore, or it's somehow just for your partner, how can you rework that belief system so that you're included in the pleasure that you get when you give, and that there's lots of things that you can do with your hands, with your eyes, with your words, with your breath, with your hair. With your mouth, with your lips, um, with other, uh, things like oil and other kind of fun toys and, and things that you can bring into the play space that can delight you and your partner. That that pleasure is a circuit that has to be completed in order for you to have pleasure you have to. Actually insert yourself into the pleasure. So sometimes there's a belief system that needs to be overcome when the story, and this often is a story that gets passed down generation to generation. That sex is just for men and women have to endure it. Um, a really great episode that we did with a Mormon couple really talks about how they unfolded. You know, she had generation of generation of where the women just endured pleasure and they were just baby making machines. And the work that she needed to do in order to change that narrative so that her and future generations,'cause she also has, I think, three or four daughters could have a different experience of their sexuality. And so when we look at a lot of fundamental Christianity, when we look at a lot of Mormonism, when we look at, um, even some uh, Jewish communities that are very, very strict. When we look at various Islamic families and communities, there are very strict rules and controlling rules about what's okay for girls and women and what's not okay. And so, you know, we mentioned that earlier in the episode, but redefining that can be critical. And that was something I had to do on my journey. Shame was riddled with sex for me, and it took me a lot of time and a lot of sacred massages to unwire that wiring.

Willow:

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think it's just so common. It's, it's prevalent around the world and, you know, it, it does take, um, it takes attention and focus and practice to shift that for yourself. Um, you know, other things, if, if you are with partner and you're needing them to help hold space for you, and you've gotta sort of teach them and guide them what, how to do that. You know, you can use words and direction like, you know, if I tense up, then, then pull back. If you see a. My breath or my sound change, um, in a way that's like deeper into pleasure, then that means you can keep doing what you're doing, but don't necessarily go harder or faster. Um, so just giving them that sort of direction and guidance. It's always really nice to, when you're guiding partners to, um sta say things like, I really like what you're doing and I wanna feel it even more. So if you could slow down about half the speed that you're going, I probably could feel it even more. So, you know, thi things like that will help them feel like they're not being criticized, like they're not doing something wrong, but that they, that now you've given them some direction because they're doing such a good job already and they could do even better. Um, so it's it's really an art form to communicate with your partner around this. Um, part another thing a partner could say is, you know, my, my, there's no rush. You know, we're not in any, we're not trying to get anywhere. And, and I just, I'm so happy to be here connecting with you intimately in this way and just reassuring, um, the woman

Leah:

Even like, you're doing so good, babe. You're breathing so good. I'm so proud of how present you are right now. Stay here right with me. We don't have to go any faster. You know, like a lot of praise, a lot of validation, A lot of, you're so beautiful right now. Let's just be still together. You're doing such a good job. Like these things can be so healing. Those words of encouragement.

Willow:

Absolutely. And it's so nice every so often to just take a pause and to just lay there and hold each other and breathe together.'cause it's often in those moments of pause that a lot of the, the grief and the shame and the sadness and the tears and the frustration and the layers of, uh, you know, of. I wanna say karmic inputs start to come out and be released from the body. So it's really nice to be able to offer that and hold that space for

Leah:

I, I think one emotion that just feels so crippling is how insecure we feel that we feel like there's something really broken inside of us that's never gonna be fixed. And so there's so much fear in that and there's so much insecurity, like, will I ever be normal? And so like to, for the insecurity to be healed that you are enough. We're in this together. You don't have to feel this by yourself. I'm totally with you. Those are the things that can be so tremendously healing as we move forward and feeling a sense and recognizing that we are really whole. We just have these things that are covering up, that feeling of wholeness and we can peel them back together. Um, your eye contact's really important. A couple other communication tips is for the receiver who's trying to move through these sensations. Um, and you want to maybe give your partner some feedback, try showing them on their own skin how slow you want them to go, or how much pressure to use or like to back up or what stillness really needs to feel like.'cause sometimes someone thinks that they're still, but they're actually vibrating. Sometimes that vibrating can be too much. So our words, um, can be, can get in the way and our tone can get in the way of our instructions. So if you can show them by touching them the way you need to be touched, it will give them much more accurate bio feedback, information that they'll be able to register and be more successful with than if you just try to use your words alone. The other thing I wanna share with the givers is slowness, patience and stillness are the key medicine instruments you want to get masterful at. By allowing her to move against your touch, gives her the pacing that she needs, puts her in control, allows her to be in the driver's seat so that she's managing the amount of pressure. Or speed or depth of penetration that she's ready for in the moment. So if you can offer your touch without doing anything, then she can move against you in a way that gives her pleasure or that allows her to pace what? She really wants to engage emotionally by moving towards more touch or moving away from the touch. So that can really help with the fight or flight instinct to wanna pull completely away, let her be in control. It's kind of like the, the, uh, passenger is driving the driver. You can even allow her to move your hand so she can place her hand on your fingers or hand, and then she can guide that hand to move it to any part of body that she wants to be touched. You know, right now it might be that the most pleasure she can receive is at her neck or maybe playing with her hair. Or the way that you stroke down to her inner wrist or down to her hips. So again, we sort of started in the beginning that the um, the the key is that we find, turn on and pleasure wherever we can find it first. The more we turn on the system, the that is gonna change how the nervous system responds and it's gonna change the level of pain she's gonna feel at the introitus. Where she has the most pain. So maybe that means maybe she's far further along in her journey and you could go down on her and that oftentimes can relax the tissue in the vulva as turn on and blood and circulation starts to weave into those tissues. Maybe she needs a massage. Maybe she needs you to spend 30 minutes just caressing her lips, um, before anything starts to relax at the ous um, area. Uh, one of the things I'll also put into the chat, which can be really helpful for those of you who are exploring this on your own, are some different sizes of dilators. So they're basically different dildos of different sizes. I found some good ones on Amazon. I'll, I'll plug into the show notes. Remember that you're not gonna find the show notes in the app that you might be listening to us right now. You're going to get a link for those show notes. The show notes will actually be on our website and you can, um, find all of these things there at www.sexreingimagined.com/blog.

Willow:

Yeah. And that, I'm glad you brought the dilators to, to, uh, to a point here because that is sort of the, the final step, uh, if you're gonna take this in steps, you know, it's like, okay, when you are. Ready for to enter into your vagina and to actually go inside it. It can be nice to use a finger. A pinky finger I think is a, is a nice entry point

Leah:

A Q-tip. Yes.

Willow:

It's very, it's warm, it's fleshy. It has, you know, um, has a lot of di dexterity you can feel inside with your own pinky finger. And I think that, you know, if you are struggling with pain during sex and being able to, um, place your own fingers inside of your vagina is gonna be probably one of the most healing, um, steps that you can do for yourself. I actually remember the first time that I self cultivated. We use the word self cultivation around here instead of masturbation everyone. So it's self pleasuring or, or cultivating your own essence through pleasure. Um, and the, I remember one of the first times I did it was after I'd had an abortion, after I'd been raped. To when I was 19, you know, and it was like, it was one of the most amazing healing things. I'd masturbated plenty since I was like nine years old or something like that, but it was all on the vulva, on the outside, and I, it was like a crossover. It was like I crossed a threshold to going inside and it was just like such a profound experience. And so, um, you know, in the light of the full moon and so healing after I'd just released that trauma from my body, it released it even more from my body. And another thing that I wanted to bring up that just from my own archives and of experiences that I was thinking of as we were talking about, this whole episode is like one of the most pleasurable, um, penetrative, sexual, penetrative experiences I've ever had, was the slowest entry of all time. I mean, it probably took this man three minutes to fully enter

Leah:

I love

Willow:

Myoni,

Leah:

slow penetration's the best.

Willow:

yeah, it was just the most delicious and the most delightful.

Leah:

anticipation.

Willow:

And so don't be afraid to go too slow, everyone.

Leah:

Yeah, there's no such thing as too slow in my opinion.

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

Um, and you know what's interesting is a lot of emotions can arise right at that point, a penetration. First you have the anticipation that it might hurt, right? But if you do, you know, you keep on doing some of these practices until that really relaxes in unwinds. Starting with the pinky, having a special toothbrush where you just use the tip of the toothbrush at the, you know, the end, not with one, with the Brussels. You know, if that's all you can do, that's a success. And then the next time you practice, you do just a couple more millimeters, more. And then you do a couple more millimeters, more than that, and so you're building up, and then you can use the pinky, and then you use the ring finger, and then you use the middle finger, and then you use the index finger, then you use the thumb. Then you start to combine fingers, and you just go wider and wider and you just build safety. You build your breath, you make authentic sounds. If you need a scream, you allow, you grab a pillow and you allow that to rip, and you move some of that stuff out, especially if you've been met with violence. If you've encountered such bracing because you've had certain layers and levels and years of abuse, this, you know, this unfolding is gonna take a minute as you move the fear and that that urge, that instinct that goes block, I have to do everything possible to stop anything from entering me because it feels like life or death'cause you might have had that level of trauma. You can still unwind all of that. And, um, and so those guards at the gate, we gotta talk to them and keep encouraging them to relax as you build more ability to safely feel penetration until that penetration begins to be pleasurable. Using lots of lubricants, you know, find your favorite kind of lube. You don't have to do this dry. I think that's another thing that a lot of people would be surprised to find out is there's embarrassment around shopping for lubes. We'll put some lube links in the show notes of some of our favorites. Um,

Willow:

um, MCT

Leah:

that.

Willow:

is, is always a good one. If you're like, I don't wanna shop for lubes, you can always just go get MCT oil, which is the, the thin, um, coconut oil. It's the, it's the liquid coconut oil. I can get it at Whole

Leah:

And yeah.

Willow:

health foods store anywhere,

Leah:

Fractionated coconut oil, you'll often see that on the label. You wanna make sure that it's a high food grade, uh, quality oil. Um, yeah, splurge a little bit on good stuff.

Willow:

yeah.

Leah:

Uh, and some of us need a little more extra ity than actual oil, so. Um, if your body is sensitive to oils, even some people's bodies can be sensitive to coconut oil. Find a good pH balanced lubricant. Um, you can often find those in the health food stores. Uh, that won't disrupt your precious flora of your vagina.'cause sometimes that can be extra sensitive. And look, work with a professional. And if you are a partner of someone who's has a lot of sexual trauma, you'll be better served and you will serve your partner a lot better if you get some training and some support on how to hold all of this because you're not born knowing how to hold this. You know, being trauma informed is can oftentimes, um can super speed the recovery of this. If you go bumbling around without any insight, you, you are running the risk of maybe bringing more harm to the situation.

Willow:

Yeah, absolutely. If you're not sure where, where to go, reach out to us'cause we can help you from a distance. You don't have to be in person with us for us to support you. On your journey. Um, so yeah, just, you know, resource yourself. Look for what you need. Look locally, look, um, wherever you can to, to get the support that you need, the education that you need. And, um, it's, it is never too late. It doesn't matter what your age or how long you've been, um, struggling with these challenges. You can heal. So

Leah:

Yeah.

Willow:

here to cheer you on in every single way and, uh, sending you so much love. Let us know what you think of this episode. Be sure to like, share and subscribe. Really helps us out, helps more people find these episodes and um, we are sending you so much love.

Leah:

Yeah, please email us at support@sexreimagined.com. You can find me leah, at www.moreloveworks.com. You can find Dr. Willow at www.drwillowbrown.com. We offer, um. Free consultation calls so that we'll get on the phone with you. We'll point you in the direction we may be able to serve you personally ourselves. If you know a practitioner that you think is, um, exceptional in the world of sexual healing that could perhaps help someone out there, please drop their website in the comments below, and I would, wouldn't be remiss i'm gonna add another link for the cooch ball. Uh, this is someone who has created some pelvic floor exercises because for some of you, you just have a tight pelvic floor. And you need help unwinding that. And so let me just

Willow:

Yeah, she's going around to different cities doing an event called Coachella, which is where she's teaching large women, large masses of women, how to open and release their pelvic floor. I might try to do one in Santa Barbara.

Leah:

bloom better. Uh, so. What's her name? Um, Jana Danielson. Uh, you can email her at jana@coochball.com. So just go to www.coochball.com and um, that's another great resource for you. Thank you so much. Uh, can't wait to hear your feedback and we will see you all on the flip side. Love, love, love.

Announcer:

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and positive psychology facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine doctor and Taoist Taxology teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget your comments, like subscribes and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.

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Dr. Willow Brown

Host
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Leah Piper

Host