The Sex Reimagined Podcast

Leah & Dr. Willow: Why 70% Of Long-Term Couples Have Boring Sex (And How To Fix It) | #163

• Leah Piper and Dr. Willow Brown • Season 3 • Episode 163

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The Hidden Epidemic Affecting 70% of Long-Term Couples. Sexual boredom is reaching epidemic proportions, with research showing that couples in long-term relationships often experience declining sexual satisfaction. If your sex life has gone from fireworks to lukewarm candles, you're not alone. This year's sexual wellness trends emphasize that 2026 is all about breaking barriers, embracing sexual honesty, and reclaiming pleasure through mindful intimacy. The shocking truth? Most couples are settling for mediocre intimacy when extraordinary connection is just a conversation away.

THE TOP 5 REASONS YOUR SEX LIFE HAS LOST ITS SPARK

1. The Orgasm-Only Trap - When orgasm becomes the sole focus, creativity dies and sexual exploration stops.

2. Communication Breakdown in the Bedroom - Research reveals that couples in long-term relationships only know 62% of what their partners find sexually pleasing and a staggering 86.99% of couples who regularly discuss sex achieve orgasm every time 

3. Lack of Sexual Novelty and Exploration - Repeating the same positions, using the same toys for years, and sticking to identical routines creates sexual stagnation. 

4. Fear of Vulnerability in Intimate Conversations - The word "vulnerable" literally means "woundable" - but this risk is exactly what creates deep, electric connection. 

5. Neglecting Tantric and Mindful Intimacy Practices - Sexual wellness is evolving toward holistic approaches that integrate mindfulness, breathwork, and body awareness into intimate experiences

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Willow:

Ever feel like your sex life has gone from fireworks to lukewarm candles? You're definitely not alone. On today's episode of Sex Reimagine, we're counting down the top five reasons sex gets boring, and more importantly, how to reignite the spark, reclaim your desire, and make every encounter feel electric again. So get ready to uncover what might be sneaking in between you and your pleasure. I'm Dr. Willa Brown. I'm here with the one and only Leah Piper, and we are sex reimagined.

Leah:

So tune in, turn on, and fall in love with us, Leah and Willow.

Announcer:

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame-free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.

Leah:

Sex gets boring,

Willow:

It sure does. It's such a bummer when that happens, but it does happen to all of us, to the best of us. It's just one of those things where you start to, you know, find your little groove and then you stick with your groove because that groove works, and before you know it, you're in a ditch and you just can't find your way out.

Leah:

You know, unfortunately sex does get boring after a while. Sometimes it's because you're with the same partner for years and years and years. Other times it's, you know, maybe you're just not very good at bed. No, that can't be it.

Willow:

Oh my goodness. Yeah, sex can get very routine. It can get very boring, I think. Um, I think one of the reasons for this is just because we have orgasm as the, as the goal of sex. And if we take orgasm off the table, lots more creativity starts to flow, which we're always talking about. But, um. But when we, you know, take the opportunity to, to look at like, what is boring about it? Is it because we've done it a million times in that position, or we, we always do it in that room, or we always do it at that time of day? You know, it, it could just be very simple changes and you could still keep the same position or you can keep the same, you know, place in the house, but share another layer of what's going on for you sexually with your partner. To make it more novel, let's talk about these five reasons that sex gets boring,

Leah:

Well, yeah, so you know, I kind of said in jest, maybe it's just'cause you're not a very good lover, but the truth is, many of us aren't. Many of us were. None of us were taught how to be a skillful lover. Some people luck out and they're just kinda wired for some curiosity and they practice and they're so interested in the topic that they really spend time learning about it. Other people never learn about it because they're shy or uncomfortable or insecure or lack of opportunity. That's why novelty is so important. We're reaching for things that feel different so we don't get stuck. So sometimes that means being more creative. Uh, you know, a lack of novelty is getting stuck in a rut. Repeated positions or the same sexual activities, or the same toys, like how many of you have been using the same vibrator for the last. 5,

Willow:

10 years.

Leah:

years, I mean, guilty. Um, and not to say that you shouldn't use the one that's tried and true, but let me tell you, there are some new toys on the market

Willow:

There's a world of good toys.

Leah:

much advancement in the world of toys and in the world of also like. Getting more blood to the tissue, you know, whether that's a, a vulva or a penis. There's so much great technology out there. In fact, uh, we did a great episode I think it was episode 1 32, um, the creator of Mystery Vibe.

Willow:

yeah, Dr. So sheet,

Leah:

Yeah, I'm sorry, episode 1 42.

Willow:

1 42. Go check it out. You will want to learn from this man. He's kind of a genius and created a whole line of really phenomenal toys. Some of which Leah and I have been test running for all of you, and, uh, we, we highly recommend. So the Poco is super fun. The Tenuto is super fun. All of his, um, vibrators are named after the crescendo. They're named after. Um, what, like musical notes?

Leah:

Um, yeah. So novelty. What are some of the things that you've tried in the past five years? In the name of novelty, Willow?

Willow:

I mean, wow, you really wanna hear...

Leah:

fuck yeah. Everyone wants

Willow:

oh my God, I've done so many things you guys that I never, ever thought I would do. Like really, um, fun and playful and exciting things. So definitely have gotten more into, um, you know, multiple partners, play parties, uh, being watched, watching others. Um, pegging men. Never thought I would do that. I don't get a lot of get off on it, but I find it interesting. You know, I find it very fascinating

Leah:

cool to watch them get off

Willow:

Yeah, exactly. And it, and it kind of gives you a different relationship to being penetrated, you know, by a man when you're penetrating a man. And some men just love they have, you know, it's not necessarily gay thing. There's just a lot of nerve endings up in there and they just love the sensation and they have phenomenal orgasms. I mean, I have played with swings, sex swings, um, you know, my fa all this stuff is like, it's novel for sure, and it's fun, but like my, my main get off is when I'm with a lover that I'm deeply in love with and like in those Tantric, intimate moments where we're just in each other's eyes and souls and eye gazing. You know, that's really, um, that's really what feeds and nourishes me on a sexual level, uh, because I, I run more of that energetic and sensual kind of blueprint more naturally. But I would definitely say over the past three years, I've expanded quite a lot into this sexual blueprint, which is like, give it to me. Fuck me now. You know? And then I've also really expanded in the last probably one and a half to two years into the kink and the, you know, sub dom world. And I tell you what, I'm impressed with some of the Dom sessions that I've run in my day, these past, you know, couple of years. So it, it's just, there's so much. There's so much beyond what we think of as sex to play with, and it's really just about getting out of your own way, not judging yourself and others and picking up a, a crop and spanking someone's ass and seeing what happens, you know?

Leah:

Yeah, and I think too, I think where a lot of people get stuck in novelty is they try something once and then they sat down and they say, oh, that's never for me again, that's a terrible way to look at sexuality. Is to just go, well, I tried it for a second and it's just not for me. Like you have to actually test something and then do little corrections. There's so much nuance when it comes to sex and trying new things that it's not about just trying something once and setting it down, it's trying something and then having a delicious conversation about the nuances of what worked for you and what didn't work for you. And if we were ever to try this again, maybe we would switch it up here or do something a little bit different there and maybe we would try this. And it's like, it's like you're curating, you're allowing yourself to have an experience beyond just like, yeah, well we tried egg eye gazing. It was awkward. It's like, no, there's so much more that you can, you know, explore. So give it more than just once chance, because a lot of times people will go into novelty usually because one person is like really kind of starving for something different and new and the other person is showing up for it reluctantly. Like, I don't really wanna do this, you know? And so you have to be able to look inside of yourself and dig in for that curiosity and really meet your partner with some enthusiasm to discover more within yourself. It's not just a gift you're giving your partner by showing up with some enthusiasm, even if you're the more reluctant one. It's to actually go inside and go, what can I discover about myself? That's the beauty of novelty. It's giving yourself multiple experiences and it's also okay to go, Hey, we tried that a few times. Not really my jam, you know? Okay, cool. What's the next creative thing you can engage in? And it doesn't have to be extremes. It doesn't necessarily have to be BDSM, it could just be something like, Hey, let's massage each other before we have sex.

Willow:

Mm-hmm. Or, or let's go out somewhere public. Not have sex in public, but just like start to get intimate in a, in a, in a different environment. You know, like sitting, like instead of always being in your bedroom at home or on your couch, in your living room, go to the park, spread out a blanket and do some, you know, eye gazing or, or breath work or just like crawling around on the, on the grass together and kind of getting into a more, um, connected, primal state.

Leah:

you will never see me crawling around in the park. Everybody. I'm like, that's where

Willow:

never say never.

Leah:

no. Um, but what, what I, what I think is really interesting about what you, you're saying is that a lot of couples. Talk about their sexual problems

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

the same place every single time and never get anywhere. And what I kinda love about what you're saying is like, have those intimate conversations maybe somewhere else where you're finding no solutions. Get off the couch, go talk about it in the closet. Go talk about it in the bathtub.

Willow:

well, and also.

Leah:

it outside.

Willow:

Talk about what you want, talk about your fantasies. Don't just talk about the issue, like talk about something other than the issue. Talk about, um, what it would, what it would feel like and what it would be like for you if you could get out of the rut that you're in, you know, if you could, um, experience the kind of sex that you, maybe you don't know how to get there or what it is. But if you could experience the kind of sex that we're always talking about, how would that feel to you? So go somewhere else outside of your normal environment and just open up a conversation.'Cause what happens is like, you know, then a butterfly flies by and you're like, oh, and it's, you know, just opens up something inside of you.

Leah:

Yeah. Which leads us, really, this is a beautiful segue to lack of communication is one of the reasons why sex gets boring. And I think that the conversation for me would be totally different from sitting on the couch and talking about that stressful conversation versus going to a nice cocktail bar and having a really beautiful, yummy cocktail and sitting down and I'm dressed up and me and my partner are now really engaged looking at each other. I think a totally different conversation is possible when we get out of our normal places and, and we'll find inspiration. Like somehow a new solution may occur because you're not in sort of honestly the safe little bubble where you can just all complain, I don't like this and I don't like that, and I wish this was different. Instead of going how, like you said, how do I get the sex that I want and it's a really, it's a real challenge when you don't know what the sex you want looks like. You just know you don't want the sex you're getting,

Willow:

Yeah. And, and more importantly, like identifying what does it feel like? Like you might not know how to get there and you might not know how to express that to your partner, but like, what is the feeling that you wanna have? You know, do you wanna feel more connected? Do you wanna feel more sexy in your body? Do you wanna feel more, um, curious and playful? Do you wanna feel less shame? Do you wanna feel less constriction? Do you wanna feel less pressure? You know, what are the things that you actually like? Have a conversation about how you wanna feel, and then together you guys can explore, you know, how to, how to get there, how the

Leah:

and that's where like a lot of nonverbal communication and tactile communication can come into play. You know, it's not always about words. I think sometimes people can get really stuck in their heads. And if you don't know how you wanna be touched, you know, a great thing to do with your partners is for your partners to say, Hey. Grip, take my hand and put it somewhere on your body. And then, and then you can actually, you know, you might place their hand on the side of your neck. You might place their hand on the side of your hip. You may place their hands, so they're running their fingers through your hair. And it doesn't have to be sexual. It doesn't have to lead to sex, but that's a whole nother type of communication where you are allowing yourself to feel the presence of your partner's touch. And then as you feel into that, it might, and it feels nice, then maybe take their hand and move it to another location. And you can also, um, use your hand on your partner's skin and then touch them the way you want them to touch you. For instance, if you want them to shift how the pressure that they're using, show them by touching them. The amount of pressure that you want, because things like touch me light or touch me slower, touch me faster. Gimme a stronger grip. They're all subjective when we're using language. When you can show someone tactilely what you mean? By changing how they're touching you. They get it. You gotta come up with a way that allows them to get a win.

Willow:

Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Well, let's, let's, um, kind of shift into this routine sex we've talked about, like the lack of novelty where things just aren't that exciting anymore. Not not being able to communicate well around sexuality because it's, let's face it, we, we, it's a embarra. It can be a very embarrassing

Leah:

Yeah. And

Willow:

shameful topic to even know what words to use. And that's why we, you know, one of the reasons we give you all these amazing episodes is just to help you with the language, just so that it, we're trying to just normalize the conversation of sex. And I can't tell you how many people tell me about their sex lives, that they don't talk to anyone else about friends and clients and all the people you know. They're like, God, it is so refreshing to be able to talk about this with someone. And I think if we can find someone that we feel comfortable talking about it with, it also gives us a lot more, um, openness to be able to talk about it with our partners. So just find someone in your life that you can communicate about sexuality with. It doesn't have to be your partner right away, but it's gonna open a, a gate for you to talk with your partner about it more, and then. Go ahead. You wanna

Leah:

I was just gonna say, and you know when, if you are really nervous about it and it does make you uncomfortable, and icky sensations do arise in your body when these conversations happen and you dunno how to work with that. Start the conversation by saying, I, I'm really uncomfortable, but I think this conversation's important and I'm kind of scared to talk about it because I get this feeling in my stomach and I really just need your help. And this is sensitive for me. Will you be here for me and can we get better at this together? Would you be willing to have this kind of conversation with me? And if you've tried that and it hasn't really helped, the next thing you do is write.

Willow:

Mm.

Leah:

Get it on paper, write your partner an email. Maybe first you write yourself an email and you have this conversation more with yourself, and then you can write it with your partner and you can say, this is still really hard for me, so let's start this by writing back and forth and work our way up to talking about it.

Willow:

I love that. I think that's gonna be super useful for so many couples. Absolutely.

Leah:

So routine.

Willow:

routine. Routine

Leah:

I can certainly relate to this one. Probably every long-term relationship I've ever had has gotten stuck in routine. I think we find that go-to position, uh, where everyone has the best chances to come in. So then that's our go-to and it's like, it's time efficient. And for some reason it's just like an easier get off. And what I've noticed is like that position could be really hot in the beginning and super fun and ecstatic, and then it becomes your go-to and the next thing you know, like your breaths are no longer synced up and you never open your eyes. Your eyes are always closed'cause you're both off in your own little erotic mind and you're not really having a shared experience. Both of you are in your own bodies reaching for that climax. So I think what gets us stuck in routine is the goal of an orgasm,

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

which is really hard to resist, frankly.

Willow:

I mean, yeah, I mean the, it's, it's great to have an orgasm. It's just if, if that's, if that's the only thing you're looking at within the experience of your sexuality, then you miss a lot of possibility.

Leah:

Yeah, I think it's the quickest thing to shift then probably anything else in a routine is going, I'm not gonna make our sex the goal of orgasm. I'm gonna make the goal of our sex about love if I can make it about love. And here's the truth, you guys, if you make sex about love, the orgasms follow and you don't even have to think about it. You don't have to go chasing the orgasm if you really make it about intimacy. I wanna connect with you then, and that doesn't have to be like, I think sometimes couples hear this, uh, especially. You know, less new agey couples, um, and they're like, God, it's so weird. Like, I have to think about loving my partner. Like, I just wanna get off, like, okay, hey, I, I get that. But suspend that for a minute. Think about it as like, fueling your partner. Think about it as enlivening yourself. Like, here's a chance for me to connect my partner. And both of us are like purposely creating more aliveness so that we can do life even better. Together. And so that mindset shift can be really dramatic. And one of the ways that you can drop into that more easily is a think about your heart when you're doing each other. Look into each other's eyes periodically. Like if you could, and this might be a stretch, but try to like look into each other's eyes at least 50% of the time. And if sometimes eye contact is a little tricky because you might like feeling sensation may be a little more elusive. So then you close your eyes and you bolster that sensation and then you open them again. And it's like you're giving your partner a feeling of the sensation that's in your body by allowing that sensation to come up to your eyes, and then you're sharing it with them. Synchronizing your breath. You know, these are all like super easy, super simple, um, and just like the mindset shift of going, I'm gonna fuck you. So that you feel more alive than you've ever felt and then, and then the pleasure just, it amplifies by itself. No one has to go chasing. There's no more. Are we successful? Did everybody come?

Willow:

Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Yeah. I think that, you know, getting, um, just different tools under your belt, getting different, um, positions. You know, the Kama Sutra. Kama Sutra is filled with all kinds of different positions and, you know. We find these positions that like Exactly work for us to get to orgasm. And so we always go back to those positions and we're not saying throw those positions out, we're saying, we're saying add to them. Yeah.

Leah:

Yeah. Maybe wear a wig, you know, one

Willow:

yeah, yeah. Do a little role play. I mean, there's so many options. I love hearing about couples who've been together for a long time and they meet up at bar and pretend like they don't know each other, you know? Because think about like when you're first with someone for the first time and you're just exploring their energy for the first. Like there's so there's no routine, there's all novelty, you know? And like they are whoever you want them to be, so they're perfect in your eyes, you know?'cause you don't really know them yet. And, um, it's just, it's an opportunity to like, just pretend again, like this is a totally new person. And you know, in the whole Buddhist tradition, there's like, like look at life with the, with the beginner's eye, you know, come back to the curious and the beginner's eye. Where it's like, I don't know anything about you. If you head into a sexual experience thinking I don't know anything about you, even though we've had sex for 15 years straight. Like I don't, I don't know anything about what's going on.'cause probably you don't know a lot of what's going on in their erotic mind. You probably don't know a lot about what could turn them on in their bodies. And so you get to just be like, wow, this person is brand new to me. And we were both, Leah and I talked with a couple recently after our, um, last summit and they were, I think they had been together

Leah:

Yeah. For 32 years, having the best sex of

Willow:

Three kids in their older age, and they're like,

Leah:

In their seventies.

Willow:

a whole new marriage. They were just like, it's like we're married to someone. Totally different now.

Leah:

Yeah. I love that example. Yeah. It's like, I think we really take for granted that we think we know everything about our partner and when you can, like you said, it's like you look at your partner with brand new eyes. I know there's more to discover because we're always changing. And a part of the routine is we get so stuck in the routine that we forget to look at each other new. I think too, when it comes to routine, like it can be having sex in different rooms when you've only had sex in your bed for the last 10, 20, 30 years, you know, try having sex. Uh, Matt and I had sex. Um, I was like brushing my teeth. He was just getting outta the shower. And the next thing you know, I'm bent over the sink. And what was so fun about it is I could, we were, the mirror was staged perfectly and it was so fricking hot. Like, have closet sex, maybe you've got kids or something. Go lock yourself in the closet. You know, all those clothes are gonna muffle the sound. Do something like totally different. Um, have sex somewhere else.

Willow:

Have sex outside. Ooh, risky.

Leah:

Now here's part of like the paradox, because one of the things you'll always hear sex experts recommend is get your sex on a schedule. Long-term relationships if you do not get sex on a schedule, you won't have sex. So you gotta treat it like an important business meeting, and I really recommend that. I think spontaneous sex is so overrated. Um, and because it's like it has to, you have to feel it and then, oh, guess what your partner has to feel it. Rarely does anyone feel like it at the same time,

Willow:

Do you guys have it on a schedule?

Leah:

yes. Sometimes we do have it on schedule, sometimes we don't. Uh, but I'll tell you, when we make the point of having it on schedule, we have more sex.

Willow:

It's better. Yeah. You have

Leah:

Totally and it's better. And that's where you can really plan to get out of the routine. I've got a date at four o'clock, so let's do something. Uh, we're gonna start it off with giving each other massages instead of just getting her, getting it done. Um, I'm gonna start it by undressing him. I never undress him. You know, we just both take off our clothes. Um, I'm gonna, you know, it's seven o'clock, the kids our way and it's summertime. I'm gonna take a blanket outside in the backyard and maybe I'll get a tent so no one can see. I mean, there's, there's so many things that you can do to break routine when you have it on a schedule. And what's fun is you can go, okay, I'll plan this week, you plan next week.

Willow:

Ah, I love

Leah:

see how you can kind of make it special for each other.

Willow:

That's so fun. Okay, so, so many ways to get over routine. Let's talk about, um, another issue that gets in the way and creates a boring sex life, which is just like underlying relationship issues, power struggles, old traumas, resentments, just,

Leah:

The biggie.

Willow:

you know, the, the, and also like. Apathy, like lack of, you know, just like your partners lay, they lay around and fart and burp and like, what's sexy about that? You know?

Leah:

right. We're just so used to each other, those, those relationship issues, it's it. The problem with relationship issues that are unresolved is that we stop trusting each other, and probably worse than that, we stop trusting ourselves.

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

We stop trusting that we can come up with solutions that work for both of us. We stopped trusting that we're gonna enjoy it. Um, we stop showing up for it. We blow it off. We have fights that were never resolved. We just gave up because we couldn't get anywhere. All of that ends up harming the desire for intimacy with our partner. And that's one of the, I mean, those relationship issues get in way of the loving, it gets in the way of being interested in our partner.

Willow:

Yeah.

Leah:

And one of the things that I think can really help that is, um, you connecting to your higher self. You imagine your partner is connected to their higher self, and then you speak to each other from your higher selves, not necessarily from your wounded trigger parts. And so if you can put your attention on your partner's higher self, and you can put your attention on your higher self when you're having sex, your higher selves are the ones who are leading you into this more transcendent sexual experience. And when we can have more transcendent, even more spiritual sex, it ends up healing a lot of that

Willow:

of the relationship issues. Yes, it's so true. It's like when you, this is very classic Chinese medicine too. It's like when somebody's coming to you and they're, you know, having, uh, an issue with their liver or an issue with their skin or some kind of autoimmune issue or whatever, we wanna look for what is not, what's not functioning, but we wanna look for what is functioning in the body and then we wanna fortify that, you know, we wanna give more qi and more blood flow and more movement to the thing that is our, to all the things that are already working. And so it's the same thing in our relationships. Like we, in our sexuality, we wanna look for the places that are working and put more focus, put more emphasis on those, and basically all the good then pushes out the bad. Like there's no more space for the bad and we

Leah:

Mm.

Willow:

let things go. We can just release the traumas, release the triggers, release the infidelities release, all the things that, that we're, that we're holding onto in our bodies. I think that's one of the things that Leah and I have been seeing, Leah's been seeing for 20 plus years, you know, and I've been seeing, um, more recently in working with people hands-on one-on-one to really, um, show them how incredible their bodies are and how much their, um, their pleasure can heal their old shit. And it doesn't matter what that old shit was anymore. You don't have to talk through it and talk therapy. You don't have to work through it anymore. It's just out of your tissues. It's out of your body and you're done with it

Leah:

Yeah. One of the best exercises, Willow, and I can play this exercise so you guys can get a feeling for it, is the bubble. And the bubble is when you and your partner come together and you kind of do, you have to do the hand movements, I'm sorry, they're kind of dorky, but.

Willow:

to do

Leah:

You have to do them.'cause it's what creates the magic. So you both kind of bring your arms up and you imagine like, here's our bubble. And you make the shape of like your arms are making a circular shape up above your head and you're like, this bed is our bubble and we each have a moment to take anything we want out of the bubble and to put good things in the bubble so that your intimacy. You're taking things that aren't gonna get in the way. It's great. It's like a way to get your triggers out of your intimate space and then to like give you all the good things so you each have a turn. I'll go first and we're gonna take out things that we don't want in our bubble. So I take my hand like as if I'm going into the center of the bubble, and then it's like I pluck that thing and I take it out of the bubble and I throw it outta the bubble. So for instance, I'm gonna take out my self-consciousness. I am gonna take out, um, my shame. I'm gonna take out judgments. I'm gonna take out my inner critic. I'm gonna take out the affair I had 12 years ago that hurt us so much. I'm gonna take out not trusting myself. I'm gonna take out my dad's fucking rules. What the fuck are you still doing in here? Out of my sex life. Thank you very much. And I'm gonna take out self-loathing and now it's willow's turn.

Willow:

I'm gonna take out my stress. I'm gonna take out my overwhelm. I'm gonna take out my fatigue. I'm gonna take out, um, my hurt from the past. I'm gonna take out my heartbreak. I'm gonna take out my unwillingness. gonna take out my judgment. I'm gonna take out my um, uh, yeah, criticisms. I'm gonna take out my lack of trust in you. I'm gonna take out my lack of trust in me.

Leah:

Beautiful. And now we get a chance to put things in. So now I'm gonna kind of reach out out here and I'm gonna put things into the bubble with my hand. So I'm gonna put in my high priestess. I'm gonna put in laughter, I'm gonna put in curiosity, I'm gonna put in the love of our pets. I'm gonna put in the love of my father. I'm gonna put in my love for you. I'm gonna put in good communication. I'm gonna put in, we both win. I'm gonna put in my juiciness, I'm gonna put in orgasms, I'm gonna put in arousal. I'm gonna put in transcendent spiritual sacred energy.

Willow:

Mm, good ones. I'm gonna put all that shit in

Leah:

Nice.

Willow:

I'll take all of that too. And then I'm gonna put in, um, curiosity. I wanna put in presence. I wanna put in um, erotic levels beyond what I've ever explored before. I wanna put in the beauty of nature. I wanna put in, um, new levels of, of consciousness through our rapture. I wanna put in, um, positions I've never gotten into before. I wanna put in, uh, deeper levels of connection than I've felt with you before.

Leah:

Nice. And then we both just bask and like, wow, I feel so much

Willow:

Yeah. It's so much. I feel better. Uh,

Leah:

Right. Don't you feel lighter? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You ready to throw down? Um, but it's amazing how much that clears, especially when you've already, you're already kind of coming into this thing like, okay, we scheduled this and I have to do it, and but you really fucking pissed me off yesterday and you're still holding onto it. And so to be able to clear that and you will be really, really amazed. How much better you feel like instantaneously. So take a pregnant pause afterward and bask in how you've made a shift and then like be with your partner in that shift and soften like this is such a beautiful moment of like softening, like That's right. I love you. You're one of my favorite people to hang out with. I'm so glad I get to do this with you.

Willow:

How often do you and Matt do this actually.

Leah:

You know, we, I did it a lot more with previous partners who I struggled with more. Matt and I are pretty harmonic, so we don't carry a lot of pent up resentment, so I do this more with clients and couples than I need to do it with Matt, though it's a great reminder to just do it anyways. Because you don't have a lot of shit between each other to co-create a more fertile field

Willow:

But it's als. Yeah, it's so good. And it's also just like letting go. Maybe even not necessarily taking stuff out between the two of you, but just your own stuff, you know, so that you can clear your own vessel and be more ready to receive love and arousal and rapture.

Leah:

It's such a good point. In fact, I think it'd be really fun for you and I to do this before business meetings, before planning,

Willow:

Oh, let's do that.

Leah:

do, I've been noticing, I've been experiencing a lot of shame lately in just how prickly I can be, and I really don't wanna be a prickly person. wants to be around a prickly person. You know, people walk around, eggshells around a prickly person. You never know what you're gonna get. They can be moody and I, and I'm really afraid of that side of myself. And as I get older, I'm really like, I'm afraid that I'm gonna get more and more rigid. And I'm thinking about like neuroplasticity and how do I increase the neuroplasticity inside of me when I don't feel like I always have control over my little, you know? And so I think this is a great. So, we'll, you guys we're gonna

Willow:

Use it in your sex life. Use it in your business life.

Leah:

that's right.

Willow:

it. We were, we will start the journey and report back and let you know

Leah:

What, you know what's interesting? This is a great segue because our, our last thing to talk about when it comes to boring sex is age in life changes. And

Willow:

Ah, yeah,

Leah:

like I am in one of those seasons of changes.

Willow:

Yeah, absolutely. And you know, when you're, when you're in a relationship, long-term relationship, uh, it's, you know, hormones start to decline. I mean, your capacity, your mental capacity starts to decline. Brain fog is a real fucking thing. You can't remember what you were gonna tell your partner, you know,

Leah:

story of my life right

Willow:

in the middle of a sentence, you

Leah:

Right, right. Um,

Willow:

peptides help with that, by the way, y'all. But anyway, um, and, and hormones. So hormone replacement therapy, and for some of you who are not ready to go that route, there's tons of herbs too, bacopa for the brain. I mean, there's so many herbs to, to help you with your, um, with your mental clarity and with your, with your hormones balance. But it's like, I think also another thing that happens as we're aging is our bodies are changing and we don't, we don't have the same sort of confidence that we used to have. Like, oh, my tits are a little agger and my arms are a little more wrinkled. And you know, like all these things. And, and we, there's so much emphasis put on y young, being beautiful. That it's hard for us to see the beauty in us as we age. And so.

Leah:

I mean, you think

Willow:

share that with your partner, you know, on a very consistent, regular basis. Like, I love your crow's feet. They're gorgeous. Like they make your eyes sparkle 10 times more. Bring'em on, you know, whatever it is.

Leah:

I love the way your stretch marks feel. I don't have to look at them. I can feel them and I love the texture of them. Um, and when we're looking at like stages, it's like those people who are having children for the first time and they're busy with their careers and wanting to reach success and, and some financial security, and then they're having babies and how babies suck the sexual life out of you. You have to come up with things that are gonna enliven your energy again. And then as we get older. Women feel like the, between their hormones, like you mentioned, vaginal tearing, lack of lubrication, men, their penises can get hard, but they can't stay hard. And like all the embarrassment with that and, and what that really forces us to do, again, comes back to creativity and realizing that we get very narrow minded when we think that all sex is penetration. There are so many ways to have ecstasy. There are so many ways to have a deep, deep, fulfilling intimacy and connection. And when all we think of sex is whether or not we're successful or not, it's getting a dick into a pussy. We are really missing the mark. We are leaving so much pleasure on the table, and so we all need to broaden our definition of orgasm and our definition of pleasure and our definition of sex. Because if I were to identify, if I were to say, what is orgasm? I would say it's energy in movement that feels pleasurable. That means like maybe you're naked and you're pressed up against each other and you are laughing

Willow:

Laughing gams are really good gams. You guys, they're so, they're almost better than orgasms almost.

Leah:

Yeah, yeah, they're right up there. You can peak experiences by generating joy between each other and really loving each other's company, and so be way more creative on how you reach pleasure. It doesn't always require a hard penis. Thank you very much. There's some orgasms women can have without your erection, and you should find out where they are and how to do them.

Willow:

Absolutely. They're fun. Fun, fun.

Leah:

Yeah, and then get medical support. Like Dr. Willow is a great example of somebody who can help you with your hormones. She can help you with peptides. She can give you the best herbs that are going to give you more vitality. And that's really one of the main functions of sex is to increase our vitality. So when we stripped down. Because we're getting naked. We're not just getting naked skin to skin, though that's really, really important. We're getting naked soul to soul, and that's the, the one of the purest forms of what sexuality gives us as a gift in our life is having those moments where we are encountering each other kind of at the most, stripped down, the most raw, hopefully the most playful.

Willow:

Yeah, it's, it's a beautiful opportunity to get to know yourself even deeper.

Leah:

And you know, as age, like when we think about it from an aging perspective, this is the playground where you finally reach it. You are an adult. They let you have sex now. You know, think of all the sex you wish you could have had when you were younger, you know? And everyone's telling you, no, no, no, no. No one's telling you no anymore. Everyone is saying yes, yes, yes, yes. So why are you telling yourself no?

Willow:

Yeah. You know, I don't know why this is making me think of, of this, but it's like, I think there's also something about claiming what you want in your sexuality. Like I'm thinking about some of the, the divorced men that I coach, and you know, they, they've been in sexless marriages for a long time and they're. But they're sexual beings and they, and then they're like, ah, now I'm out of the marriage, but I don't know what to do with all the sexuality. How do I even navigate it? And, and for, you know, I'm thinking like, for a man to claim, like I just wanna be like a bit of a slut for a while, you know, like I just wanna go play the field. Like to claim that that's okay. Like you can, if that's what you want there's nothing bad or wrong about

Leah:

people out there who will

Willow:

Who want that. Yeah. They're like, great. That's what I want too. And so it's about like getting very clear about what you want. Let's say you're in a long-term relationship and, and marriage and, and maybe, you know, the sex hasn't been there and just claiming what you want. Like, I want to get into kink and BDSM, I want to explore that realm and, and if your partner can't meet you or match you there at least they have, you have the clarity that will allow them to find hopefully their own clarity so that you guys can find a common ground.'cause it doesn't really matter what the disparity is, there's always a common ground. Um, and cl and having, having your own clarity is the first step to that.

Leah:

I love that you brought that up. Being able to, and in a shame free. And this takes practice of getting shame free around your desires of being able to claim them without guilt and without shame, and then to pursue them. That takes courage. It takes self-reflection. It takes honesty. It takes trusting yourself. It's great fodder to work with a coach or a therapist on so that you can own it and it, you gotta excavate some of that stuff to discover what is. What is that? Yeah, I wanna be dominated, you know? Um, how do you find someone who you can do that with? How do you negotiate that in your relationship? And sometimes we're not meant to stay in a relationship. Sometimes we're in a relationship for a season in our life. We come together to have kids or we come together. You know, for this, you know, five years or seven years or two years, and then it's time for your next teacher, and we don't have to hate each other to get over each other. We can kind of bow and say, thank you teacher, and move on along your path and wish that person well. So it's also okay to find we're really not a sexual fit and this is a very important part of my life and I wanna find someone who this is easier with. Um, it's a hard choice to make, but it is oftentimes the right choice to make. So, you know, whatever that's

Willow:

much. Yeah, it opens up so much. It's gonna be so liberating. Um.

Leah:

So those are our five, um,

Willow:

five top obstacles reasons that sex gets boring. Let's talk a little bit about the solutions. Some of,

Leah:

them like we got. Lack of novelty, lack of communication, routine, relationship issues, and age and life changes. And then we wanna give you some more solutions.

Willow:

And some of these solutions we've already been touch, touching on and talking about, like communicating openly, talking about your fantasies, your

Leah:

Try new things.

Willow:

Even if you, even if you're not sure of like, oh, I heard Dr. Willow talk about pegging a man, I have no idea. That doesn't appeal to me at all, but the conversation was interesting. You know, like just talking about what you hear in other places, um, bringing, just conversation like, you know, just, wow. Hmm. I wonder what that would be like. You know, just wondering and just, you don't have to do anything you don't wanna do, ever.

Leah:

I, speaking of this very thing, I was, uh, listening to another podcast and, um, it was with an author who wrote a book about women's fantasies and a bunch of women mailed in their fantasies. And one of the things that took her by surprise was this infantile diaper type of fantasies. And, and as the conversation went on, what really illuminated for me is, you know, when you have that infantile thing, like imagine someone's taking care of you and you don't have to be in control, right? It's like you pee in a diaper and you don't have to do anything. You know? And it's not necessarily the whatever you're kinking on, it's like, wow, making sense of someone's taking care of me, someone's cleaning me up, someone's caring for me. Um, I don't have to make any decisions. There's no responsibility. I wanna go back where I'm unconditionally loved. And I'm care taken. I was like, oh, that makes a lot of sense. Now, why someone may crave that. I had never put that together simply because I couldn't connect to it. But when you look at different kinks from that lens, it's like, oh, sure, that's really sweet. It's sweet to be nurtured. It's sweet to not have to make a decision, uh, all of a sudden. That makes sense, and you could never get there. If you never have the conversation. If you're never open-minded enough to talk about those things that you hear about like pegging,

Willow:

Yeah, totally. Yeah. Now, what would we say, because pegging is extreme, but like what would we say to somebody who's like, okay, I just, I have no idea how to even like bring up the topic about sex, or, I'm so uncomfortable talking about anything related to sexuality. Maybe there's religious shame and guilt on top of it all. Like how, how does somebody who's just like,

Leah:

You start there.

Willow:

I don't even have a clue, like how do they start?

Leah:

That's what they say. I don't

Willow:

I don't even have a clue. Mm-hmm.

Leah:

don't even know where to begin, but I'm willing to find out.

Willow:

Uhhuh.

Leah:

That's the key is I feel really stuck here. I'm really scared when I start thinking about talking about sexuality. I feel really icky. Okay. Where do you feel it. Yeah, just be with that feeling. Feel the grief of that. You know, feel the part, talk about the part of like how you wish it was easier for you. Let somebody hold your hand as you just kind of feel the stuckness. And if you can sit with that and be with that for a few breaths, I think you'll find that it'll start to lift. And you know, it's really like it's just getting started. It's like owning where you're at and being vulnerable and honest.

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

And see where it takes you. What do you think?

Willow:

I think that's good advice. Definitely. Um, just talking about like how it feels inside of your body, like what's the sensation of of the resistance that you have, you know, where does that resistance live in your body? I think going into the

Leah:

Into the body.

Willow:

around where you feel stuck and where you feel shameful or, or embarrassed to talk

Leah:

Yeah. And then put your hands in the place that feels uncomfortable, like you're holding that place with care.

Willow:

yeah,

Leah:

Um, I think the other thing, yeah, go ahead.

Willow:

Well, I was just gonna say, and then kind of identify what are the emotions that are there, you know, is you said grief. Yeah. Sometimes grief, sometimes anger,

Leah:

Yeah.

Willow:

um,

Leah:

was thinking fear, like, I'm really afraid if I say anything, you'll be grossed out. I'm really afraid if I, if I speak any of this, you'll think I'm a slut. I'm afraid if I say any of this, God's gonna be mad at me. You know, like whatever you're afraid of, start to name like, what's the worst thing that could happen to you if you were to talk openly and honestly about your desires? Free yourself from keeping that on the inside by saying it out loud.

Willow:

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like this really is, in my mind, it's good for your health. You know, it's good for longevity. Like it's gonna clear stagnation of energetic emotions out of your body that could cause dis-ease, you know, or probably is causing disease. So move it along.

Leah:

and you know, it's interesting when we study Tantra, so much of the Tantra practices are actually a purification process. It's using your touch and your breath and your sound and your communication to move that which is stuck, to move that which is fear, shame, and guilt, and get it out of your system so that you can run the energy of love and bliss and, um, those things that are freeing. And you deserve to be liberated. It's kind of one of the things a lot of people come into a body to discover, so how about you?

Willow:

It's your birthright. You get to be liberated, and it's such a better life to live being freed up. I'm telling you. Go for it. Just start.

Leah:

you know, we, um, we've really talked so much about, we'll just kind of run through this list of things that, um, will revitalize your sex life. And we've gone into details on many of them, which is communicate openly, try new things, be spontaneous, prioritize intimacy, address your relationship issues, be open to vulnerability, experiment and adapt. Experiment, make those little shifts and then adapt to the things that you like. I think the thing maybe we haven't addressed really directly, unlike some of these other things on the list, is be open to vulnerability. What do you wanna say about that?

Willow:

Oh, vulnerability is one of the keys to good intimacy, and you absolutely have to do it. And it's also one of the scariest things about intimacy because the word itself translates to woundable. If listened to our podcast, you've heard us say that many times. And so yeah, you could get hurt, but that's why it's so deep. That's why vulnerability creates such epic intimacy. Because it's a risk. You're taking a risk. If you stay in the risk-free zone where everything's safe and comfortable all the time, your whole life, you're not gonna grow. You're not gonna evolve. That's boring. Yeah. If you're always in risk. Phase, that's you're gonna burn your adrenals out, you know? So you gotta have a balance. You gotta have a balance. And, and, and I feel like intimacy, vulnerability with an intimacy is a really sweet place to, um, to explore what vulner taking a risk.

Leah:

it's where the honeypot is.

Willow:

yeah. And like, it's so very rare that you're like, oh my God, I'm so nervous to tell you this. I'm so embarrassed. Or I'm so, you know, scared to share this fantasy that I have with you, or this old trauma that I'm still carrying, or whatever it is that you wanna share. But when you preface it like that, I'm so nervous, or I'm so scared. The other person's nervous system just softens and opens

Leah:

Yeah,

Willow:

and they're just more ready to be with whatever your truth is.

Leah:

I think also saying I'm, I'm scared to share this with you. Please be gentle with me. I am worried you might judge me. I want my desires to be safe with you. This is not a request to act out my fantasy. This is a request for me to feel closer to you and for me to share things that I'm afraid to share. But I trust you and I love you, and I just need you to be really gentle as you listen.

Willow:

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Leah:

Let the person know they don't have to do anything with your share. They just need to be with you.

Willow:

Right.

Leah:

that'll be so fulfilling and you'll be, you'll feel closer to each other. I think too, when it comes to vulnerability, what's more vulnerable than getting naked? It's, it's ironic, right? Or maybe not that these two things all come together.

Willow:

Absolutely.

Okay, well we hope you liked that episode on Boring Sex. We're now coming to you from Portugal. Hey everyone, we just finished our incredible retreat in Greece. It was so profound and so powerful and amazing and, uh, you may have noticed that we ended this last episode rather abruptly because, uh, Leah had a coaching call, I believe, and so we just wanted to, you know, follow up with like don't have boring sex in your life. Yeah. To kind of wrap it up a little more smoothly. So as you know, what makes the show better is your comments, you entering the discussion, you sharing your ideas, you sharing your struggles, and you sharing your breakthroughs so that we can all learn from each other. So do us a favor, please like, subscribe and comment about this episode right into us we love to share what people share with us on air. And so, uh, please send us your thoughts, your feelings. Love, love, love, love, love, love. Okay.

Announcer:

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and positive psychology facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine doctor and Taoist Taxology teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget your comments, like subscribes and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.

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Dr. Willow Brown

Host
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Leah Piper

Host