The Sex Reimagined Podcast

Leah & Dr. Willow: Jackhammer Mistake | Why Fast Sex Is Killing Your Connection And What To Do Instead | #159

• Leah Piper and Dr. Willow Brown • Season 3 • Episode 159

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While everyone's rushing toward orgasm, they're missing the real magic happening along the way. In this episode, Leah and Willow break down why slow sex isn't just about better physical pleasure—it's about rewiring how you connect as human beings. Research shows that couples practicing slow sex techniques report significantly higher relationship satisfaction. Mindful intimacy practices reduce sexual anxiety and create space for authentic connection. Whether you're healing from trauma, stuck in routine, or just curious about deeper intimacy, this episode offers practical tools you can use tonight. Listen now and discover the specific techniques, breathing exercises, and communication strategies that can revolutionize your intimate life.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS

  • Why "jackhammer sex" misses the point entirely
  • The microwave vs. crockpot analogy for different arousal styles
  • How expanding your definition of sex beyond penetration opens new possibilities
  • Using your five senses as doorways to the present moment
  • Why music and rhythm help you find your way back to your body
  • How to stay connected when performance anxiety kicks in

LINKS & RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE CAN BE FOUND ON THE WEBSITE


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Willow:

What if I told you slowing down in the bedroom could actually speed up your life in connection, in pleasure, and in presence. On today's episode of Sex Reimagine, we're diving deep into the art of slow sex. Why taking your time isn't just sensual, it's transformational. From rewiring your nervous system to unlocking deeper intimacy, slowing down doesn't just change your sex life. It changes how you move through the world. So get ready to savor every moment, every sensation, and every heartbeat.

Leah:

Tune in a turn on and fall in love with your girls, Leah and Willow.

Announcer:

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame-free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.

Leah:

Well, it's time to introduce, I think something really important, which has to do with a myriad of things. But if we were to start someplace, I think I'd like to start around slow sex. The importance of shifting our mindset when it comes to how we look at sex and how we play with sex, and even how we identify like what is sex and how is sex different from foreplay.

Willow:

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that's the whole point of our podcast. Sex could be so many different things, but I mean, we all think about sex as penetrative, you know, sex, um, bumping and grinding, and there's just so much more to it. And, and Tantra always really is such a huge proponent of slowing things down so that you can actually feel them more. I feel like a lot of times why, um, women don't enjoy sex is it's like they're just being pounded. Like they're being used as a masturbation tool basically. And they just, it doesn't, they can't, they can't feel anything. And so slowing things down, foreplay, proper building of arousal of the vulva before you even penetrate is all so crucial and super duper pleasurable. In the giving you receive so much when you know how to give

Leah:

Yeah, jackhammer sex, believe it or not, y'all is not the best sex. It's actually some of the worst sex I've ever had, especially when it is applied way too early in the arousal process. It just ends up being like, are you trying to compete with a porn star right now? That sex, watching that on Porn isn't even that arousing for at least this estrogen minded brain. Um, maybe that's hot for dudes, but I, I know very few women who want jackhammer sex unless they're at a peak point of arousal. And it's like you're in the real throes of something, but that requires a ton of buildup. So interesting how, like, I think sometimes what men think of as hot and what women think of as hot is so different in terms of how they wanna be fucked. and that makes me kind of sad. I wish we were like in better sync, so.

Willow:

Well, part of the reason we're, I think, so outta sync is because of pornography and, um, that being the, the main source of education, you know, for, for men primarily, but also women. Um, and it's, it really is about educating yourself and not just you know, listening to our podcast though, keep doing that and share it with your friends, but also experiencing what we're talking about, that's the best education. That's always, my body has always been my best teacher and I learned the most through experiencing things like exploring and playing with different things that I've never done before. Oh my gosh. Yeah. That was hot. That turned me on. Or, uh, I could leave that, you know, that wasn't really my jam. Not at this point in my journey anyway.

Leah:

Yeah. Um, yeah, so to slow things down, one of the things I've heard Esther Perel say, which is really has me noodling, is, um, you know, fore place starts and we, oh, 25 to half hour, at least for women. But it, it goes way beyond that, fore place starts after the last orgasm,

Willow:

Mm-hmm. For the next round of sex.

Leah:

When you think of it like that, it puts you into a mindset shift that makes you wanna romance the beloved in a whole new way. That it is it is a journey, you know, sex isn't something that we do. Something. Sex is somewhere we go. And so when you think about, wow, foreplay starts at the end of the last orgasm. And when I think about the end of an orgasm, there's usually like we're catching our breath and may, and we're turning towards each other face to face from,'cause God knows what body position we were just in for that last orgasm.

Willow:

Right.

Leah:

And we're usually like expressing like some, at least in my case, some kind of gratitude like, wow, that was amazing. Or whoa, that was so cool. Or, wow, oh my gosh, I gotta get my sea legs, time to go pee. You

Willow:

Uh.

Leah:

And, and then there's usually like a cuddle. There's some sort of transition.

Willow:

A lot of times there's laughter too, right after an orgasm. You know, this like just joy that cannot be contained and it just comes out through your laughter and you're just laughing together and, and then yeah, just the afterglow of it all and rolling around and cuddling and kissing and touching and being in, in intimacy.

Leah:

Yeah. And I think when we think about, you know, there's this old adage, old metaphor that, you know, women's sexualities like microwaves or crockpot and a man's, um, no, a man's sexual energy is like a microwave and a woman's sexual energy is like a crockpot. And so I think so much of our sex and what we understand about sex has been informed through the lens of male sexuality. And there's, there hasn't been enough curiosity about what the lens of female sexuality looks like, and I think this is where this desire for slowness, if you want your female partner to be fucking hot and ready, you are, you gotta get more curious about a different approach.

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

Because it's not just about getting your dick wet and having friction. It is something way more nuanced. And when we start to pay attention to nuance in sex, sex becomes a creative, artistic, curiosity filled way and approach of going, how can I light up my partner system? How can I take my partner on a ride? And I really love this idea of going on a ride so that it's not just like we're climbing a peak and then we're, we're rushing down. So then it's over. It's, it's an ever ascending journey, um, that's got a lot of peaks and valleys and, and when we look at it from that place, then orgasm doesn't have to be like the number one goal. Because when orgasm is the only goal, again, we drop nuance like it's, and then we start creating. We're either passing or we're failing. Did everyone come? If it's all about, I just gotta come, I just gotta come. I just gotta come. Then we're like, we're missing all this amazing connection. We're leaving so much connection on the table instead of really.

Willow:

we get really myopic when we are goal oriented insects. It's like we, we miss everything outside of the tiny little thing that we're looking for. And, um, you know, one of, one of the most amazing, hot, spiritual, incredible penetrative experiences I ever had, probably lasted about four to five minutes from the point of like the tip of the glands to all the way into it was like a five minute entry. It was so slow. But I think what, um,

Leah:

penetration, you're saying from from penis to vagina.

Willow:

Yeah, from, from from the tip to all the way in. It took, it took that long, four to five minutes. It was long. It was, and it was like, and we were so present, staring into the eyes the entire time and just like, just right there. And it was, what was also really hot about it was we hadn't done it before. Right. So there was that, and it was like, are we gonna do this? Yeah, we're doing it Okay here. You know, it was just like the slow and the heat and the buildup, it was yum. But what I wanna say about that is I feel like. A lot of men, um, can't stay hard. They feel like they need to get in and they need to start jackhammering in order to

Leah:

stay hard. Yeah. Yeah. Like they need the friction, otherwise they're gonna lose their erection, which creates anxiety, which robs it of being playful and makes it urgent. And then we have pass fail.

Willow:

Yeah. Yeah.

Leah:

so when

Willow:

get out of that model?

Leah:

I think what's happening is one becomes so hyper-focused on failing

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

and their ness not operating or functioning the way they need it or want it to be. And then that would result in embarrassment or disappointment, that it becomes hyper-focused. Instead of like relaxing, learning how to trust your cock, learning that you're who you are as a lover is, is your cock, is your, you're so much more than the performance of your cock, number one. So like remembering that if you can be present, because that's what happens when you become hyper-focused on the performance of your cock and you're gonna pass your fail, you're not present anymore.

Willow:

Right.

Leah:

And, and really the, the key, the element to being a masterful lover. Starts and ends with your ability to be present and in the moment and right there creating a sense of attunement with your lover. And so how do your hands feel when you are caressing her head and you've got maybe a fist of her hair and near her skull and you've got another hand caressing the side of her. Face or maybe your got or jaw and you're bringing her in and you're kissing her passionately, you know, let that be your focus. And trust me, your cock is gonna respond even if it's being still, because it can feel the sexual tension that is starting to build between your bodies. And that's what your cock wants. That's what your cock is gonna respond to. It's not gonna respond to your fear that things are going too slow.

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

If you're in the present moment, you're building sexual tension. And so that's a tricky thing to get back to though when your mind's already hijacked you.

Willow:

Yeah, it definitely can be. My, my, um, trick for that that I am always helping people with is to go to your senses. Exactly what you were just describing. It's like your senses. Each one of your physical senses, smell, taste, touch, sight, sound. Each one of them is a doorway to the present moment. So, which one is an easy doorway for you to stand in? You know, which one is it? Sound. Can you listen to the sound of her breath? Can you bring that sense to the forefront of your mind so that you can really find an access? And if your cock gets soft in that moment, trust the process and be okay with, like, find a way to be okay with it in that moment and stay connected to sound. Stay connected to the sound of her breath. Bring your awareness to smell. Smell the scent.

Leah:

before we go to smell, I'd like to add something around sound. I love having rhythmic music on because when I lose presence, I, and I think sex has so much to do with rhythm. Rhythm and tempo and like finding your way back in. So when there's music and I wanna find myself again, like I wanna find the breath, I'll find the breath in the music. And because I wanna be in my body, there's something that my body knows around tempo and the pulse and the rhythm that, and it doesn't matter what kind of music it is, then I'll just start to slightly sway and move and I'll find my body back there. And now I'm back in my body and now I'm back in the present moment. So if, if you think that might help start thinking about what's the music. And, and I fortunately, because I have a private practice and I'm working with bodies on the TI all the time, I am attuned to the music to help me with my timing. How much time do I have for that appointment? You know, when are things starting to roll? When do I need to calm the energy down, versus when do I wanna add more beats to it? And then helping someone else orient to the music so they can tune my instrument, my body. So when two people can start to find a rhythm together, you don't have to manufacture that. If someone else's breath doesn't help you find their rhythm, both of you tune into the music together and find your rhythm together

Willow:

I can't remember the last time I had sex without music. Like, I really can't remember. It's probably been years. It's probably been like seven or eight years.

Leah:

Wow.

Willow:

I don't know how I ha, I know that I have had sex without music

Leah:

yeah, yeah.

Willow:

and it wasn't as hot as it is now.

Leah:

Well, music probably makes our sex hotter because we have a rhythm that our body can respond to. It has pitch, it's got frequency, it's got vibration. All of those things resonate to the frequency of sexual energy.

Willow:

And not only that, but you know, the heart is the one organ in the body that makes a sound. So there's this like connection that we have to our hearts with sound. It's like I love the sound of my dog eating his dinner. Like I just love the sound. My heart opens up. Yeah, it's weird. Like people love the sound of their kids. Yeah, well there you go. There's a little willow wisdom for you. I love the sound. You know, people love the sound of their kids' voices. We love the sound of our lovers' voices. We love the sound of certain music. We love the sound of certain birds and things like that, and it like, it opens up our heart when we're, when we're paying attention to sound. So that's another nuanced. Way to get into the present moment. Let's say you're listening to your lover's breath and you're really just tuned into that one sense organ notice then how that opens your heart. And guess what guys? When your heart starts to open, your cock gets hard.

Leah:

I notice like the type of music that does not turn you on,

Willow:

Totally.

Leah:

right? Like it's really interesting too when you can connect to the music that works, how you can find yourself over and over again. And the minute the wrong song comes on, it's like, oh B, that's not it. And you have to react.

Willow:

Yeah. Yeah. And like change it.

Leah:

Um, yeah, so that's interesting. So what I will do is I will add two Spotify playlists, um, that I tend to use in sensual experiences, and you guys can try that on. Maybe, uh, it'll, it'll open something inside of you and if it doesn't, that's okay. There's a playlist out there that will.

Willow:

Absolutely. Yeah. And really, you know, I, for me, sound is one of my primary S sense organs, so it is good to practice on your own and just kind of be like, well, what's, I don't know. I don't even know what my primary S sense organ Spend five minutes, one minute per scent organ, and just notice like if I just really focus on smelling for an entire minute. How does that bring me into presence versus if I just really focus on listening for an entire minute, how does that bring me into presence? For me, vision is is one of the ones that takes me most out of presence because then I start thinking, I start labeling like, oh, that's a tree, that's a thing. And then my mind's, oh yeah, I like tree. Oh, it's good to know about trees. I don't know. I'm giving you an example, but men are very visual, you know, generally speaking. And so. So for, for you guys out there, like, check it out. How is it for you to just look at something for an entire minute? Does it bring you into presence versus smelling or tasting, or listening

Leah:

I love that you brought that up because, um, a vision wasn't really ever something that I connected to either o other than in meditation. I like guided visualizations. There's a, there's a beautiful kaleidoscope that can take me deeper into an experience when there's, um. Uh, a visionary element to it. So like, when I wanna relax into a sexual experience and I wanna come out of my mind, I like to use my imagination to like bring me into my Chakras and I can visualize my Chakras. I like to visualize roots, like grounding me to the earth so I can really relax my nervous system so I can like, get comfortable receiving.'cause receiving hasn't always been easy for me. Um. To get me out of my head. I use sight to get me into my body through visualization, and I often need that in the beginning of a sexual experience, especially because if I've been like on the computer for five hours and now it's time to have a Tantric date, I struggle with that transition. So I have a set of guided visualizations that ground me into my body and I use sort of, not that I'm looking outside, I'm looking inside. So I use a visionary thing that goes in versus out, but you're right, if I had to look outside, I would be naming thing cobweb in the corner. Um, you know, like that would be very distracting. But now, like when you think about, and this came to me when I started to study the erotic blueprints and I was looking at the sexual, um, blueprint archetype because that was the one that I was least connected to. Like porn has really never done it for me. Um, but when I started to imagine if porn could do it for me.

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

What would that be like? And looking at sexuality through the lens of the sexual archetype, where it's more about friction, visual stuff. Something got turned on in me and I was able to go, oh, I wanna know how that half lives. Can I make a bridge? And I've been able to make a bridge. So oftentimes I do think of like the teenager boy and like all the penetrative shit that they can imagine that would get them hot. And if I'm the object of their desire.

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

Now I have a visual. Now

Willow:

turn on?

Leah:

now I have a massive turn on. I have adopted the sexual blueprint

Willow:

Ah, well done

Leah:

I just had to put myself as the, uh, the object of their desire. Yeah. And I had to heal my judgment around being objectified. Now I'm like, I fucking love being objectified.

Willow:

I think that is a, that if, if we're talking slow sex and developing your sexuality and being on a sexual exploratory journey, I think that's a big one for a lot of women is to learn, is to find a place inside of you that gets turned on by being objectified because it's always been such a bad

Leah:

Right, and it's felt bad when it's been unconsensual. It is felt bad as a teenager who doesn't understand the whole operation of what's going on in her body. And all of a sudden people are looking at you differently and some people are being very rude about it, and you don't have a cor set of boundaries and you're afraid you're gonna get in trouble left and right. Like there's a reason why being objectified has felt traumatic.

Willow:

Yeah.

Leah:

But for me in reclaiming something around all of that, it's um. get to be a choice regarding my objectification. I get to ask for it, name it, discover where the corners are inside of me, that that could be hot, and I think I could've only gotten there through age. And maybe it's because as one gets older, there's a story that says you're less desirable. So there's something about being objectified at this age that turns up my feeling of being desired. So now, like where I would never have wanted it as a younger person. Now as an older person, I'm like, give it all to me. Don't

Willow:

you are super hot.

Leah:

give it to me baby. You know? And um, but consent is an interesting player in that. Um, and so, and to bring it back to slow sex, it's like to slowly lift up my dress and reveal a little, some more slowly, more slowly, every inch of my thighs, right? And then like a, a, the a, a look at the panties that I'm wearing and, you know, to then have those panties just curled underneath, you know, and then you're getting a quick little flash of something forbidden. You know, and then like to have a cock get closer and closer and closer to my vulva. And so close that they're like, you gotta beg for it, baby. You know? So like, wave your cock at me, but you're not gonna touch it yet. This all builds sexual tension. And because you're doing it slowly and you're teasing me with it, and it's like, you're making me want it where when sex is fast, you're like jamming it towards me. I don't even have enough presence, enough time to wanna crave it. I'm just expected to receive something and my desire is supposed to be right there. It's not right there. Like, stoke that fire, make me yearn. Make me beg.

Willow:

Build, build the heat slowly. I mean, this is one of the things that we're always, always teaching men is to slow down and to become more magnetic. Make her come to you. Don't be coming at her with your fingertips and your cock tip and your tongue and you're, everything.

Leah:

Yeah. So

Willow:

away. And she is like, ah, it's too much to found. For generally, for most women, you know, and so you know what you're talking about though, with the lifting of the dress and the slow boy is turning me on. But it's like you're, you're mixing several of the, of the blueprints there. The energetic, the sensual feeling, the dress coming up your thighs, right? And the heat building in your yoni as like someone's just looking,

Leah:

are right. Someone's craving. Yeah. Crave me.

Willow:

and then, and then there's the, and then there's the sexual, you know, of like

Leah:

Of the parts are gonna come together and there's gonna be friction and there's gonna be penetration. And you just describing like that slow penetration. It's like when it is so micro slow, um, when you're not counting the size and inches, but the size and centimeters'cause you got a lot more centimeters than you got inches. Let me tell you, like, let me feel every single one

Willow:

I

Leah:

like then. Then it's. And then it's like there's a buildup and there's a pulse, right? And then you're really feeling the pulsation versus everything coming in as a rush. And I'm not saying that fast sex doesn't have a really awesome place. There are times when you've got like five minutes, man, let's run to the bathroom and like just bend over the sink and

Willow:

we're not saying do away with quickies, we're just saying try something else too. Yeah.

Leah:

one or the other. It's all, it's an and. And, um, and, and what you're also just illustrated as you sort of mapped out some of the blueprints is all of that is all the touch senses feeling the rise of the skirt against the thighs, feeling the peeling back of the panties, feeling if you bend someone over the sink or the couch or the chair or whatever the laundry, um, thing you, and you're flipping and

Willow:

Wait, were you in the laundry room recently or something?

Leah:

Hey, laundry rooms can, can hold lots of secrets. Okay. If, if those walls could talk.

Willow:

knew laundry rooms could be so sexy.

Leah:

Yeah. So, um, so really paying attention of the sensation of your skin. Your skin. Sometimes you hear us say, in fact, probably all the time you hear us say, that's that the brain is a big sex organ. Not true actually, the skin is the biggest sex organ.

Willow:

Hmm.

Leah:

And for us to realize that it's not just the genitals that are on your own. Your entire body, your every inch of your skin is erogenous. And so when we're talking about foreplay, how you hold somebody's hand, how just playing with somebody's hair. Um, and, and one of the things that I think is important for, because a lot of people who need slow sex are people who've had sexual trauma. And they have overridden a part of what they need. They oftentimes haven't because they weren't allowed a voice in the first place due to much of their sexual trauma. Um, they have a hard time talking about sex. They just know how to put on the brakes, but they've never really discovered their accelerator.

Willow:

Mm.

Leah:

And so slow sex can be so it's the key to having healing sex.

Willow:

that. Yeah.

Leah:

Um, and so one of the things that, this is a part of your relationship right now that is feeling fractured, that you feel like you're not having as much sex as you want in your relationship. You may need to help your partner go here you, you put my hand where you want me to touch. I'll just stay right there and then you can move my hand when you want me to go somewhere else. You know, to allow your partner to discover where do they want your hands may really delight and surprise them.

Willow:

And it's also a great way to teach someone how to be receptive, you know, to to take their hand and say, stay in your receptivity. Stay connected to your breath. Stay connected to your inhale. Stay connected to the sensation of the skin in the palm of your hand while I take the palm of your hand and bring it to my nipple or my clit, Or the, back of my

Leah:

my side of

Willow:

my side Yeah.

Leah:

boob, or against my lower

Willow:

neck. Yeah.

Leah:

thigh, like, um, and then it's sort sometimes people, it's kind of like driving the driver.

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

Sometimes you have to drive the driver, and, and that is, that needs to be a really slow, but it can be such a deeply healing process. And it's a, it's a practice that cultivates trust. And many of us, if not all of us, have been wounded on the path to love

Willow:

Fuck yeah.

Leah:

and we have to do some like recovery at times. And sometimes we've been wounded on that path to love with the person who still sleeps in our bed every night.

Willow:

Mm. So true.

Leah:

And we have to, we don't have to like throw the baby out the bath water, but we have to learn how to turn towards each other

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

and create a new map. And um, and this is what I just see so much in couples therapy that it's just so painful and we get so stuck. But we have to change our mindset again and to be curious and to go slower and to be patient And, um, and, and so let's talk about like that patience. Let's talk about like the partner who feels pretty shut down, who's feeling trust issues, who can't just jump into sex anymore. They need to go slower. And you're that partner that's like, yeah, but I'm hungry. I've been starving for years, and you want me

Willow:

craving you.

Leah:

I feel like all we do is take things off the table. We've been taking shit off the table for years. I'm so tired of taking shit off the table. I just want my dick wet, or I just want my pussy filled. Um, like whatever the case may be. And it's like, so what if. Even if you're not having penetrative sex, you're getting yourself off and your partner is taking you in, in your pleasure. Who says that you have to go unsatisfied? You know, can you support each other experiencing your get off? Even if you're not in, you're still participating, but maybe you're not having penetrative sex right now, but you can still be there and practice attunement and practice going slow, you know, all those things. It's, it's like we're, we're so all or nothing.

Willow:

Yeah. Rather than like going off and masturbating on your

Leah:

By ourselves. Yeah. Right.

Willow:

Rather than isolating and keeping your sexuality buried in secrecy and, and the shame, it's, it's an opportunity to get curious, get playful, go outside of your comfort zone. Look, we all grow the most when we're outside of our comfort zone. Is it comfortable? No, that's the point. Like we need to push ourselves a little bit to explore so that we can expand and grow.

Leah:

Yeah, and I think this is what, like I've really been sort of meditating on, if sex isn't something that you do, but it's somewhere you go. Then it's like, it's a turning towards each other and going on a journey. It's not about doing it and getting the job done. It's not about like, okay, it's a goal. It's kind of like, oh, we're taking a vacation. We're taking a siesta. Even though it sounds like a nap, it's really like, yeah, but, but we're, we're transitioning. Yeah. A fiesta. That's better. Fiesta Fiesta. We're gonna enjoy

Willow:

we're gonna have a fiesta and then a fiesta.

Leah:

A fiesta. That is Fiesta. I mean, well, what? I can't think of anything better to do. Um.

Willow:

Who needs free?

Leah:

Yeah, and, and I think it goes so well with this idea of foreplay begins after that last orgasm because it changes how you text each other. It changes how you caress each other when you're passing in the hallway. It changes how you serve each other a meal. It changes how you sit with each other on the couch. It changes how you hold hands when you're taking a walk. It changes the conversations that you have and it changes where you have those conversations. And so the other thing I've been really thinking about lately is we, as couples tend to go into big routines that get stagnant and boring. That's why we complain about our sex life is'cause we get stuck into a routine and we're getting bored and it's not exciting. And then we had that same conversation about how stressed out we feel about our boring sex life. And we have that conversation on the same couch

Willow:

In the

Leah:

oftentimes for the same amount of time with the

Willow:

every weekend.

Leah:

And um, and I heard it proposed of like change where you're having the goddamn conversation because then maybe your conversation might change. Maybe you'll have more curiosity. Maybe something inspirational can come. Maybe there'll be more gratitude, like maybe have that conversation out in nature. Maybe sit at a park bench, because you're not gonna get in a fight on the public bench when there's people walking by. Maybe have it in the club. Where there's music and you've got a cocktail and your

Willow:

Maybe not with alcohol,

Leah:

I dunno,

Willow:

It depends. Depends on you

Leah:

Well, maybe if you get drunk and you start fighting, it may, that might not work for you, but maybe it would. I

Willow:

You. Yeah,

Leah:

to say?

Willow:

You

Leah:

I

Willow:

your own

Leah:

cocktail might loosen me up a little

Willow:

Oh, It definitely would. Leah Piper, little miss. She likes her cocktails. She gets loosey goosey. You guys should see Leah drunk. Leah drunk is just

Leah:

Well, it's, uh,

Willow:

pleasure and joy.

Leah:

it can, you never know what you're gonna get. Sometimes if Leah drunk will provide you with a grumpy stump, other times it'll provide

Willow:

is hilarious,

Leah:

But you

Willow:

which Is

Leah:

a happy tree or a grumpy

Willow:

hilarious.

Leah:

Like both are

Willow:

are great. Yeah, Um, okay. Back to back to you guys. We,

Leah:

Back to like changing where you have a conversation.

Willow:

yeah.

Leah:

Um,

Willow:

Changing where you have it and also how you have it. Like instead of just diving into your grievances and what's not working, like set up more, try setting up more of like a ritual ritualistic, just like we do in Tantra. Like sit down, maybe go to the park. Have a little food, a little picnic, whatever, and then light some candles, light, bring a candle, even if it's the middle of the day, light the candle. And just by lighting that candle, you're symbolizing to you and your partner. Okay. We're stepping into a more, um,

Leah:

Intentional.

Willow:

Intentional space here and then share your intention. My intention for this conversation that we're about to have is to get closer to you, is to open things up, is to shift what we've been doing for so long and stop having these same arguments over and over again so that we can find our way to deeper, more lasting into. You know, and your partner shares their, their intention, and you can even do your BFDs, your big fucking deals, which are your boundaries, fears, and desires. My boundaries are, I'm not willing to have a, a fight in this park. You know, this, my, my fear is that this conversation might not take us anywhere and keep us spinning in the old pattern that we're always spinning in, but my desire is to get, is to end in a cuddle. Here on the grass, you know?

Leah:

to feel closer to you. Um, I think too, like changing location where you are actually having sex. Try your closet.

Willow:

Or your laundry

Leah:

A closet can be really fun. Or your laundry room. Yeah. Like try the bathroom. Try any

Willow:

of the car.

Leah:

bed. Try the guest bedroom. Try your kids fucking bedroom. They won't know you. You're in charge of washing the sheets. What the fuck? Like they're at school,

Willow:

That's right.

Leah:

you know, like for crying out loud. Do it outside under a blanket. Feel how naughty it is. You know, like we need, women in particular need a little more taboo with our sex. We need a little bit of danger.

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

We need a little bit of like, oh my God, could we get caught right now? We need a little bit of put your hand up my skirt underneath the table at a full table. You know, doesn't mean you're gonna actually finger us, but at least give us the threat that you might, you know, like there are things like women need engagement when it comes to their erotic mind, because we aren't as visual about sex as teenage boys are, and that usually carries men well into their old age. we need to feel some of that static around sexual energy. And so your hunger can be something that we really need, especially if we haven't felt your hunger in a long time. Now there's other women who also are like, I am so sick of his hungry ass. You know, like I need him to like get his hunger off of me. That's a different problem.

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

I can tell you though, for a woman who is irritated by his hunger, going slower, will change that irritation. Usually it's because his hunger is too fast. It's too engulfing. Slow it down again, build more than anticipation. And the same is true when we switch genders. Because there are lots of, um, men who find that their partner's sexual hunger is engulfing and too much and is and is wanted all the time, and they're not connected to their own hunger to wanna keep providing it, and they find their partners hunger burdensome.

Willow:

Now we've talked about the value of slow sex. Like let's tell you a little bit about what you can do, how you can actually implement it.

Leah:

Yeah. So how does one have slow sex? You know, we've already talked about, um. Sex can start if we stop thinking about sex as penetration Only sex can be those text messages. Sex can be how you hold hands. Sex can be how you sit next to each other on the couch, how you hold each other. Sex can be putting your head in your partner's lap. And looking up at them. Sex can be how you rub your partner's feet and then crawl to their ankles and then up their calves and then up to their knees and then their inner thighs. Um, sex can be, you're watching a movie, it's getting kind of bored. One of you gets down on their knees. Opens their thighs and then lays their head against one thigh and just waits and feels the tension of someone's head being very close to someone else's crotch. And then you just wait and see how your partner's hips start to tilt. And move what happens to their hands as they start to thread them through your hair to the back of your neck? You know, like this is sort of, these are the things that come to my mind when I think about how would I seduce someone by going slower.

Willow:

you're talking a lot about anticipation, you know, and it, it's so funny'cause in so many places in our life, anticipation can drive us fucking crazy. Right? But then in sex, it can drive us fucking crazy. And so it's like, oh, the anticipation of it, the, the, the, the threat of it, the tickle of it, the tease of it is, is a huge part of, of the sex itself. And so start to drink those moments in as sex, start to view those moments as sex rather than this is just, you know, a little bit of foreplay to get to sex.

Leah:

Another thing that I like that slows things down is to, um, both people to get naked and then to rub each other down, like by starting with someone on their belly, so all their front bits, you're not tempted to go straight to tits and genitals. Instead, they're laying on their belly, and so you caress their back and you take the tension outta their shoulders, and you slowly caress along the sides of their ribs and down their waist and down their hips. One of the ways that you can take a massage from being like a therapeutic massage and make it into a sensual massage is all about long, slow conforming touch. And when I mean conforming touch, what I mean by that is you use the fullness of your hand fingertips, fingers, palm heel, everything, and you allow it to take the shape of somebody's body. So when you're rubbing someone, you're just not rubbing them with the heel of your hand. Um, you're, it's a full handed caress and it's really slow and you use your hands to really trace the shape of the body part, and then you lengthen that touch. So you go maybe from the shoulder down the sides of the waist, down the hip, down the outer thigh, down by pass knee past the calf, all the way down to the foot. So, however you can stretch and elongate that caress, you make it as long and as slow as possible. That's what makes massage sensual, and there's lots of people who do not touch sensually. It's like, they're like, where are you? You're just squeezing. Squeezing isn't sensual.

Willow:

Pressing.

Leah:

Yeah.

Willow:

is essential. Yeah. And the other thing too, when you're doing sensual massages, you want to think about your forearm as an extension of your hand. You wanna think about your upper arm as an extension of your hand. You wanna think about your breasts as an

Leah:

Your pecs?

Willow:

Like yeah, your pecs as an extension of your hand. Like I like to think when doing central massage, I like to think about paintbrushes. You know, and so what, what am I gonna dip into the paint, which is the oil and, and what am I going to paint? You know? So I'll use my nipples as a paintbrush. I'll use my palm of my hand or my fingertips. I'll use, sometimes my ear I'll

Leah:

Or your hair.

Willow:

foot as a paintbrush on someone's booty. And that feels really good, you know? Yeah. Your hair dripping across somebody. I mean, there's so many. And then if you wanna take sensual massage into more fun and more play, think about what kind of implements you might wanna use, like feathers, pearls, um, pinwheels. What else do we like to use?

Leah:

I like to take a scarf with a silk scarf with tassels and drape that over someone's body and just with micro movements, slowly drag it across their skin and even just lay your whole body on somebody's back and just move and rye and just, you know, feel the little arches and angles and, and tilts and, um pivots and micromovements, you can do with all these other angles in your body pressing up against their angles of their body. But it's really lovely to just let somebody without having to give back. It's just their turn to receive. You have them on their tummy and you just, you touch every inch of the backside of their body. And when you get close to like the crack of the ass or you tickle the back of the testicles, or you tickle the back of the vulva, that's just bringing a little more sparks. But then you take that like paint, like Willow said, and then you paint those sparks to another part of the body, like maybe the calves. Wherever there's a flexible joint, there's a lot of sensation, so we've got extra nerve endings in our joints, so think wrists, elbows, knees, ankles, sides of the waist, behind the ears, sides of the neck. Um, curves of the breast,

Willow:

Chakras also have a lot of sensitivity to them. So all those, all those bends that Leah's pointing to as well, elbows and wrists, flexible joints, those are, there's a bunch of, um, acupuncture points in each one of those flexible joints. And so that's one of the reasons. That it is so sensitive and so tender. Like you could try sucking on somebody's inner epicondyle, which relates to heart three. Uh, a really

Leah:

She's pointing to her inner elbow.

Willow:

that translates to opening the heart. Like you could suck on it, you could bite it, you could nibble it, you could

Leah:

Blow on

Willow:

blow on it. lick it, whatever, rub your nipple on it. Like just get creative and see what happens to that person who's receiving, when somebody's just receiving, it allows them to access something about their sexuality that they can't otherwise access, because otherwise they're busy trying to reciprocate, they're busy trying to give back. So there's this place that they go in their brain that we all get to go in our brain when we're in receiving, where we get to just really, I feel like a huge part of it is experience our self-worth. You know, just like, wow, someone's just giving to me just because they want to, or just because that's the organization of what we're doing right now. And it, and it really allows somebody to experience their full, authentic essence and the deep sense of worthiness that they carry inside of them just by existing. That they don't have to give back, that they don't have to reciprocate in order to be worshiped.

Leah:

Yeah. And then I think too, like once you've spent, I don't know, 15, 20 minutes on someone's back, then maybe it's your turn to receive on your back and then you flip, and then you do each other's fronts and you just allow the process to be a little bit slower. You awaken the whole body. I know some of you're thinking, Jesus Christ, I don't have that long to have sex. My life is bananas. We got kids. I don't need them walking in the door. You know, there are more important ways to restore yourself than just sleep. And what you prioritize shows what you value. You know, we say we love each other, but then we don't really make time for each other and we just, we just expect that we won't grow apart. Look, you can look at the divorce rates. It's pretty easy to grow apart, um, because we make other things way more important than staying connected. And so if you want the kind of relationship that I think most of us dream of when we're looking for a relationship, we are dreaming a dream. And then 10 years later we've got it and we have completely lost touch with that dream.

Willow:

Right?

Leah:

Everything about survival becomes more important, and we forget that actually part of our survival is connected to this person too.

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

And it's, and it's a way that we get to thrive. Yeah. Yeah. Let's, let's go beyond surviving please and let's see where we can go and when we're thriving and, um.

Willow:

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Leah:

Yeah. What if foreplay starts at the end of the last orgasm?

Willow:

I love that so much. You know, one thing that I wanna, I wanna add before we kind of wrap things up is, um, I was driving the other day and I was like, boy, that person is confused. They were going very slow and they were like this lane, that lane, they couldn't figure out middle of an intersection. Everyone behind them was honking and putting pressure on them to hurry the fuck up and figure it out. And they were just so clearly like confused, right? And so in my mind I was like, okay, when we're confused, we should all slow down. We should all go slower. Whether we're talking about, I'm confused about if I wanna be in this relationship or not. Okay, good, good time to slow down, or I'm confused about if I like this or not. If I like this sexually, if this is turning me on or not, that's a good time to slow down as well. If you're in traffic, it's a good time to slow down, you know? And there's just all these opportunities to, to be confused in our world right now because we have so much choice. We have so much different things, directions we could go, so many opportunities and um, and a lot of it's at our fingertips. And so it's, it's a really good practice to slow down in your sexuality and you'll notice that it slows you down in every other sector of your life and allows you to, to actually live a more Tantric life where you're actually in presence and in union with everything that you're doing. You know, whether you're in the line at the grocery store, or you know, having sex with your partner. Like it's all an opportunity to be in union, and it does require attunement and that attunement often, especially if you're not well practiced at being attuned with yourself and other takes slowing down.

Leah:

Yeah, you can't get there without slowing down because you're paying attention to sensation inside of you. And then you're also reading what's happening empathetically in your partner, how are they breathing? You know, where are they closing? Where are they opening? Are they laughing? Are they complaining? You know, we've got all these like overt cues, but also non-verbal cues that we are broadcasting all the time, giving people information on what's going on with us. And I also wanna bring this as maybe a closing message is that when we make the goal of sex orgasm, we are often missing the boat to orgasm. If we make sex about love. And that doesn't mean that person, you have to be in love with them, but you have loving intentions for them. You want to have a loving experience, you know, with someone, it, it doesn't have to be all in love, but when you make the experience about having like a loving hot ravishing experience, whatever it takes, if the element of love is in there, all the orgasms follow. And you can kind of put, you can stop stressing out on everyone coming if you just are in the spirit of having a delicious, loving experience. So I always say, make it about love and the orgasms will follow.

Willow:

Absolutely. All right, haw. See you soon. Share, like, and subscribe.

Leah:

please ding, ding, ding, love.

Announcer:

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and positive psychology facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine doctor and Taoist Taxology teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget your comments, like subscribes and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.

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Dr. Willow Brown

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Leah Piper

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