The Sex Reimagined Podcast

Guy Shahar & Maya Kova: Same Toxic Patterns? How To Stop Attracting The Wrong People Using This Dating Method | #149

• Leah Piper and Dr. Willow Brown • Season 3 • Episode 149

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What happens when two relationship experts almost break up—and instead create a breakthrough? Meet Guy Shahar, founder of Tantra Speed Date and mastermind behind the 90-Day Relationship Experiment, and Maya Kova, lead facilitator and conscious relating expert. Both certified through Source Tantra, these two don't just teach relationship skills—they live them. Guy has spent years perfecting conscious dating methods after recognizing the limitations of traditional dating. Maya brings deep expertise in Tantric practices and feminine embodiment. Together, they've helped hundreds break free from toxic dating cycles.Their secret? They practice what they preach, using every tool they teach on themselves first.

The 90-Day Relationship Experiment isn't your typical dating program. Instead of trying to find "the one," you practice conscious dating skills through short experimental relationships with dedicated coaching support.

HERE'S WHAT MAKES IT BRILLIANT:

  • 7-day practice relationships with random pairings (no matchmaking drama)
  • Dedicated dating coach for personalized feedback
  • "Breaking Upwards" process that turns endings into growth celebrations
  • Real relationship skills you can't learn from dating apps

LINKS & RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE CAN BE FOUND ON THE WEBSITE



AWAKENING THE GODDESS IN CRETE! Leah & Willow want to take you on an all-woman's tantric pilgrimage to Greece Oct 5-12, 2025! Join us for a trip of lifetime. 

THE VAGINAL ORGASM MASTERCLASS. Discover how to activate the female Gspot, clitoris, & cervical orgasms. Save 20% Coupon: PODCAST 20

LAST 10x LONGER. If you suffer from premature ejaculation, you are not alone, master 5 techniques to cure this stressful & embarrassing issue once and for all. Save 20% Coupon: PODCAST20. 

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Willow:

What if the first 90 days of your relationship determines its entire future? Today's guests have discovered a Tantric blueprint that transforms dating into a conscious journey, and they're sharing exactly why most couples miss their critical connection window. I'm Dr. Willow Brown. I'm here with my amazing cohost. Leah Piper with the Sex Reimagine Podcast, we're so grateful for your like, shares, subscribes, and attention. Keep them coming.

Leah:

In fact, we've been getting a lot of comments and likes with episode#126 with Laurie Handlers. I have to say, I so enjoyed this episode, and if you're dating out there, I really recommend you check it out because she's got a series of questions that are brilliant. That you wanna ask a partner before you get intimate. So if you haven't listened to that, go and check out episode 1 26 after you listen to my friends Maya and Guy. This couple are awesome. They're such dear friends and colleagues of ours. We love them. Uh, we both saw their experience through the Source Tantra, school as they went through their certification process, and I know that you're gonna fall in love with them. So here's the deal. You know what to do. Tune in, turn on, and fall in love with Guy and Maya.

Announcer:

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame-free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.

Leah:

Welcome to the show y'all.

Willow:

Yeah, we're so stoked you're here with us today. Welcome, welcome.

Maya:

Thank you so much for having us.

Willow:

Such a pleasure. So Guy has been in this biz for a long time. He's the founder of Tantra Speed Date and the 90 day relationship experiment. Maya is a lead facilitator and um, we're just so excited to really dive into what the 90 day experiment is all about. So why don't we start with, with Guy, like, how did this come about? How did this idea seed inside of you and what was the, you know, flourishing of it?

Guy:

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's a great question. Well, I mean, it all started with Tantra speed date. Which, which you are all familiar with, uh, but is a dating event that enables people to connect, uh, not just with dialogue, but by d with different exercises that enable you to gauge chemistry and compatibility in a much deeper and more authentic way than sort of rote conversation. And in Tantra speed date, uh, you'll go on multiple two to three minute date experiences with different people, that's a two to three minute date experience. And people will often come, to Tantra speed date, and they'll have a really great time in that container and they'll say, uh, okay, I wanna, I wanna have more of this. How do I carry this feeling and this intention, and this way of meeting someone in a dating context in a really healthy, positive loving way? How do I carry that into my second date and my third date? And, and, and into the relationship because often they'll, they can have an experience in the room, but if you can't create those same circumstances outside, you're not gonna have that same level of connection, uh, and loving intimacy. So I thought, well, what if instead of a two to three minute date. We randomly paired people up into an entire seven day relationship, or 14 day relationship, or 21 day relationship. And then in that process also taught them skills. Uh, so they have more time to learn skills that we only touch on in Tantra speed date. Um, and they can learn these skills, have an actual partner to practice them, right? Like. Just like a tango dance. You can't learn the tango unless you're leaning your body weight into another person and they're leaning into you. And it's, it's, it's, you need two people to do it. so I was like, well, let's create this environment where people can learn these skills, do those in a practice, experimental relationship, and then support that with tools and structures, and then also give each person a dedicated dating coach. To help them through that process so that we can really strengthen and practice this muscle of relationship

Willow:

Uh.

Guy:

and that's how that was born.

Leah:

Okay, so I got lots of questions

Willow:

I know.

Leah:

Are you biting at the bit too Willow?

Willow:

Yeah.

Guy:

Great.

Leah:

Okay. So I'm assuming that this program is open to people all over the country, just in New York City, all over the world. How, how do people date? Do they have to live in the same city or are they, is this all virtual?

Guy:

So the, so what we do is we teach a process for creating relationship. We give you different agreements and different templates, and each relationship has sort of a three stages to it. Um, the first stage is the creation stage, so you'll actually meet with your partner that who, who you haven't met before, like you discover who the person is and you check in with each other and you share, okay, what are your intentions for this relationship? For instance. Maybe you know that you're a people pleaser and you wanna recover from that. You can say, well, my intention is I've always been a people pleaser, and in this relationship, what I wanna practice is not being a people pleaser. And the other person will share like what their intention is, right? Because remember, we're giving you lessons and tools throughout the process. So by the time you get to the place where you're ready for your first relationship. You've gotten some tools and support and understanding of yourself, you're a little bit clearer on what you want. You've learned some communication skills, so you set an intention with your partner. You make other agreements and you choose different times that you're gonna meet for dates. Uh, those dates could be virtual. Those dates could be in person, totally up to you. We actually have a dating activities list with a lot of fun things that you can do. Some are in person, some are virtual. So that's for you to decide with your partner and then at the end of that seven day or whatever, however the length of the container is that we're all going on together. Um, you will have a breakup with your partner, uh, which is our breaking upwards process, and that basically takes the completion of a relationship and changes it from something heartbreaking and shattering to something that's celebratory. That's uplifting. That is a celebrating of the other person for participating in this experience with you, a codifying of what we learned in this experience and a sort of like using it as a leveling up so that you're ready for what I call your right next person. Whoever is the right next person for you to take the next step in your relational growth and practice and relational fitness so that you can ultimately take so many steps that you are ready for and attract your ultimate partner, and then you even have the skills to create that magical relationship because of all these practice relationships.

Leah:

Breaking upward, is that what you said? That

Willow:

gonna highlight that too. Yeah, breaking upward. I actually cr I actually created a program once breaking your heart wide open, because I feel like people get so stuck in heartbreak and they take that sort of jaded perspective and view right into the next relationship without really, um, diving deeper into what they learned through the heartbreak. What they, you know, what they've discovered about themselves, what, what works for them and doesn't work for them into the next relationship. And so I think this, this concept of breaking upwards. So now I'm really curious. Have you had anyone, you know, the, everyone going into this is like, there's an imminent ending. This is going to end, right? There is going to be a breakup. First of all, have you had anyone who's like, we're not breaking up, we're staying together. And second of all, have you had anyone who's like, I'm really fucking heartbroken over this breakup. Like I'm really feeling it

Guy:

yes. So, so here's what, here's the thing. Um, we really work hard to reframe this whole idea of a breakup and, uh, I'm gonna see if I can explain this succinctly. So, your seven day relationship is gonna start and it's gonna end. You're gonna have a set intention for that seven day container. It's gonna end whether you want it to or not. The integrity is, we're starting here, we're ending here. However, that doesn't prevent you when it ends and you're ready for your next relationship to create another seven day relationship container with the same person, perhaps changing your intention because you most likely have a lot, a lot of people learn what I said I wanted and needed isn't actually what I wanted and needed. And so it's a constant refining of what you want, and it is this idea of. No longer thinking about a relationship as a, once we start the relationship, it goes on forever. Otherwise, it's a failure. And instead thinking about a relationship, like a seven day lease. We're gonna be in relationship for this seven days. At the end of the seven days, we're gonna close this container and together decide do we wanna continue for another seven days? Do we wanna continue for another seven days beyond that when we get to that point,'cause we don't know that now until we get to that point. Do we wanna have a 30 day container? Do people graduate the program and say, Hey, I'm in a six month container with my partner, or we are in our third six month container. But this idea of realizing the relationship is not a one and done or a set and forget, but it's something that needs constant amendments, constant renewing and constantly rebuying into the relationship. And I believe that if we start to look at relationship as this more temporary compartmentalized thing, instead of a till death do us part thing, that's gonna make things more healthier for us. That's gonna enable us to understand and leave a relationship, uh, at the right time. If it's not healthy for us,'cause to leave, it would simply be not renewing it. Is easier than saying, Hey, this thing that's supposed to go on for forever, I wanna give, put a stop to it. Right? It's easier to just not renew and say, this isn't working. So this, this way of thinking of relationship in these short little bites, um, helps us because, uh, because in reality, like your relationship. Only really exists now anyway, uh, because we only can ever live in the, now. We can't live seven days. I don't know if I'm gonna wanna renew in seven days. I might think I do, but I won't know until we get to that now. Um, and so I think it really kind of takes relationship from a place of our imaginings and our living in the future and brings it into how it really is in life. Because in life, every relationship is permanent. I mean, every, every relationship is temporary, like life is temporary. And it could end at any minute. I could have plans for the next thousand years of my life, but they could end tomorrow. They could end in 20, who knows. So taking this idea of like, okay, how can we just commit to this short period see what we learn is, is one of the keys to, um. You know, really go getting to a place where you can iterate and evolve and, and study and amend your relationship agreements and make sure that it's constantly supporting you in your area of growth, and as your needs change over time.

Leah:

I think the thing that's unique and interesting about it too is because you have this timeframe, when the end draws near and it's time to reevaluate, it gives everyone a chance to reflect. And it, it gives you a chance to make adjustments for the next round, um, which is really thoughtful. It's really bringing a level of consciousness that I think a lot of people who are just dating don't think to consider. Um, we're just kind of going through the motions, we're having our reactions, and we're. We're oftentimes very unconscious in how we're responding and reacting and behaving. Maya, I have a question for you, which is, how do people find their partner? Are you like drawing names out of a hat and say, okay, Jim and Jerry, Sarah and Martha here have at it, and also, is it same sex availability too, or just heterosexual relationship?

Maya:

Um, so people coming into a program with a very strong desire for heterosexual relationships, they, there is an opportunity to have a leadership brotherhood and sisterhood in a program, and you have it kind of like as your supportive element. However, uh, what makes this program so unique and excited is that we don't do any matchmaking. We don't pair anybody. We don't sit and feel like, oh, like those two people need to be together,'cause what do we know? And, uh, I truly believe that the program has its own intelligence in it. And we've seen mind blowing experiences. So the selection process is random. And we actually inviting people for the seven day relationships, trust the card. Men get cards, women get cards, and magic happens. We've seen people healing their breakups as a result of this random pairing. We've seen people fall in love.

Leah:

People hearing their healing, their breakups with other people or healing with each other.

Maya:

We had this incredible couple who, it was their first seven day relationships. They got on camera, they looked at each other and in five minutes they triggered each other till the point where they like, we cannot be in the same breakout room. And for both of them, they reach out to the coaches privately. They triggered their unprocessed past breakups. They reminded to each other of their ex's and it's like you cannot plan it like they were medicine for each other. And then as a result, they were able to like face this emotions process and then move forward. Um, so that's what I'm talking about, that the program has its own intelligence field that um, gives you exactly what you need. And it might not be uni unicorn and you know, pink bows all the time. It can be confronting something deeply uncomfortable within yourself.

Willow:

So the pairings are happening through tarot cards as we've done in source Tantra, or when you say cards, let's clarify what that

Leah:

talking about a,

Guy:

The men, we take the men into a men's room. They choose cards. The women go into a women's room and choose cards, and then our system matches the different cards together.

Willow:

Playing cards or tarot cards.

Guy:

of

Leah:

kind of cards?

Willow:

I'm curious.

Guy:

They change different, they change every time you, you have to be in the program to go the cards that we use, because they're very

Willow:

Okay, you.

Leah:

Okay. Okay. It's mystery. It's a

Willow:

play.

Guy:

But what I can tell you is that people end up with exactly the right person. They need to learn the lesson, they need to learn so they can break patterns and start attracting different people. And that's the key. Like if you wanna meet somebody out there, you're gonna keep attracting people that are gonna vibe with where you're at. So unless you do your work and you change what your vibe is. You're just gonna keep getting the same people. And most people don't want the people that they've been dating or they say, I'm attracted to this, these people, but they're never attracted to me. Or the people that are attracted to me, I'm not attracted to them. It's like, well, you gotta do some, some looking in and, and some work with yourself and, uh, work on all those patterns, break'em apart, and then, uh, truly find a sense of freedom in what you wanna create for yourself in a relationship.

Willow:

It sounds like fun. I wanna do it

Guy:

Oh, it's super fun. It's super fun. It's super fun.

Leah:

Right. You've got coaches, which I think is really helpful for a lot of people who, like you said, I call it the disease to please have a hard time being honest about what's not working for them. So they have a tendency to put like all this blame on themselves in order to avoid a confrontation to go, it's not you, it's me. therefore it feels like there's a level of transparency that's being really encouraged. So that people are brave with how they're communicating, and then I imagine they're also getting coaching on how to communicate well.

Willow:

let's say I enter into the 90 day relationship experiment, and I am basically gonna be paired with somebody for seven days, is that correct? And then I'm gonna be paired with somebody else potentially, or potentially the same person for another seven

Guy:

Mm-hmm. Yeah,

Willow:

And then, so is that sort of the interval, like every seven days you're, you're entering into a new container?

Guy:

So the way it works is the 90 days are split into three sections of 30 days. The first 30 days is our getting to know you phase. You are gonna learn lessons about what generates attraction, what creates chemistry, what makes a good match. You're gonna be exploring what do I want in a partner? What's important to me? What kind of life do I wanna have? You. You're gonna be learning tools and you're also gonna have 12 experimental dates with your cohort mates. So you start to get to, like, if you're, so if you're joining the program, you'd get to have 12 experimental dates with 12 men, uh, on the call. So you can start to get to know who are these men in my cohort? Right. Um, that's also a really wonderful way for us to continue to build the intimacy and the depth, uh, and the freedom of the container as everybody is starting to get to know each other. So it's the getting to know you

Leah:

ask you a question about that? Okay. So on these dates, is this on Zoom, like you're doing breakout rooms or did they

Guy:

These are short, like three. No, these are short. Three, four minute experiences. You meet you. So we

Willow:

is like Tantra speed date

Guy:

let me like a Tantra speed. They a little bit deeper because we'll teach an exercise or a tool. We'll demo that tool, and then you end up in a random breakout room with a man and you're gonna do that practice. Then you're gonna come back. Tell us what you've learned. Then we're gonna teach you another tool. We're gonna demo that tool. You're gonna go in a breakout room, have a date with a different man, practice that tool. Like, oh, you know what? This exercise was really interesting. I really, I really like how this man held space for me and how that made me feel as a woman, so that we can start to generate polarity and live in that polarity and understand what that is. Right? And polarity is a source of attraction. So, um, so the first 30 days are these dates coupled with lessons on attraction, on desire, on getting clear on what you want, practicing communication skills, um, and a variety of different, uh, different lesson plans that we teach. Second 30 days.

Leah:

what one of the tools are? Like, could you teach our audience a tool that kind of comes from these 12 different dates?

Guy:

Can we teach Well, I mean, so one of them is a, is a holding space tool. We teach them, like how do you hold space for your partner to express, which is different than you trying to hear what their problem is and fix it. Like how do you just give somebody some time?

Willow:

Why are you giggling Maya?

Maya:

Oh, because we conditioned to fix, right? We, we, we not, um, trained in active listening and holding space exercise. It's first and foremost active listening. Uh, can I listen with my whole body and not with my brain? Because most time when we want emote, we actually wouldn't want fixing. We want somebody to meet us or witness our pain because the moment that witnessed it suddenly, oh, I'm regulated. Like my nervous system regulated itself. But that right, like the person on the other side who witnessed you and the quality of their attention will impact how you feel. And that's a beautiful exercise in the practicing. Attention and practicing being grounded and practicing putting your attention on the other person.

Guy:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

Yeah, I can. What I sense is one of the results of that kind of connecting communication, deep listening, is you feel closer to someone by the end of it'cause they're not trying to fix your problem. Both people feel like their hearts are more open to each other versus being analytical. It's like, I get you. And when someone gets you from here like heart to heart, it's a very different experience when they're getting, they're trying to get you from another place in the body, let's say the head. It feels like something gets dropped or missed. I love that. That's a great tool to,

Guy:

So, so that's a great tool. And then later on we will refer to that tool when they're having their relationships like, well, yeah, have you tried holding space?

Leah:

Hmm.

Guy:

and and we'll do, generally we'll do that. Usually it's the, usually it's the men that need to learn the holding space as they do more of the holding space, depending on the dynamic, it tends to be mostly men. So then we have brotherhood and sisterhood gatherings where myself and the male facilitators go into the room with the men and the, uh, Maya and the female facilitators go into a room with the women and we coach each other. So, so, so that's, that's usually where we'll say, well have, have you tried holding space for your partner? Have you tried this? Or, or that's a place where, where we can say to somebody, well, you know, I hear you saying that you're having this experience with the women. Let me tell you what the women are saying about you. Right? Like, where, where can you get such valuable feedback in the dating world? so that we can understand our impact, not just for another person, but for a group.

Willow:

I love, I love the community of it all. You know, like, let's, let's become better at relating, not just within a, a di dyad, you know, like let's become better at relating in a, in a community forum. It's really brilliant. Um, Okay, so here's my question is how do you have people track this? We recently did an interview with a, um, a business woman who was like, I am using analytics to get people to do 60 dates to find the love of their life. And she had like spreadsheets and she had all stuff. You know, I'm curious like how, how are you having an individual go through the holding space practice or a different practice or whatever, and sort of track what it, what that particular modality or methodology or practice is and does for them? Is there a workbook? Are you using spreadsheets? I know you have an analytical mind guy, so I know

Guy:

Through, thanks.

Willow:

here.

Guy:

Yes, we do. We love data. I mean, first of all, they will share with us in the room and you can actually feel the impact when somebody says what they experience holding space for someone or what the person experienced having space held for them. So there is group sharing. Yes, we do also have surveys. We have surveys for the relationships. We have surveys for the course, and we have a lot of data on how people have benefited from the course, the different ways that they have grown and changed, and the tools that were most impactful for them. And, you know, different people are gonna need. Different tools are gonna need to strengthen different areas.

Maya:

And, And, we also have a mini coaching groups where a coach, uh, kind of supports a person throughout the whole experience. So we, as a coaches, we actually see how people evolve and grow and who is coachable and who is not. And very often we see that people who are. Um, more, um, fixed mindset type of people. They usually feel extremely uncomfortable in a program cause you're getting that mirror, right? That it's not that you cannot bend one person, you cannot bend the whole container, the whole program. And it's either they have a breakthrough or they like, it doesn't work for me, you know?

Leah:

Yeah. That leads me to a question I wanted to ask actually, Maya is, um, I've met a number of your students. We share a number of students and many of them repeat the program, like they get so much out of it. They have such a good experience that they do it again and again and again. And so how many people kind of go back and then like, how many people drop out because they are not coachable, like you said.

Guy:

Mm-hmm. Well, I mean, the, we had more people drop out in the beginning when we first started the program because we were learning how to run it. Um, now we're at nine seasons, so actually the drop off rate is surprisingly low. Yeah. Um, for, for a course like this. Um, so I think part of that is just us learning how to hold space for people in this kind of container. And, uh, the people that are drawn to this thing tend to be more open-minded. Like, if you wanna grow, this is the course for you.

Leah:

Right. That's like the prerequisite.

Guy:

we, we, You

Willow:

You have to be evolved.

Guy:

you have, well, yeah. Or, or, or you're out there and you're like, you know what? These dating apps are not working for me. What am I doing wrong? And it's like, great step into this container, because like Maya said, like we have the bird's eye view because. You, you, you will meet with your coach. You get a dedicated dating coach. You meet with them once a week and they support you when you're in a relationship, when you're not in a relationship throughout the whole program. So that coach and, and us, we also coach as a team. So we meet to talk about the students and, and be like, okay, what is, what is this person learning? What do they need? How can we best support? Like we put a tremendous amount of attention on care in each person. And so when you are in the program, um, so let's say you were in the program and you are having a relationship with someone. We know you, we know your patterns, we know them, we know their patterns. We have the bird's eye view. So we can say, okay, how can we coach this person so they can start to become more aware of this pattern that they have and, and, and what is the best way for us to, to do that so they can realize this? And then take a few steps to grow.

Willow:

And you're teaching them about their patterns as, as you go along so that they have a, a more objective perspective on themselves and when they get triggered and, and what safety strategies they go into as well.

Guy:

Yeah, they're discovering that through the tools because you know, you're, you're in relationship. Things are gonna happen in any relationship that are gonna trigger you. And just because these are practice, experimental relationship doesn't mean. That, uh, things aren't gonna trigger you. I mean, that's why we call them experimental. Like we wear lab coats. When we, when we're in relationship weeks to remind ourselves that things might blow up in our face, people might get triggered. A lot of the relationships actually work out great, but, um, sometimes you need to put two com chemicals together and have a volatile explosion in order to actually see something, in order to have an event to in front of you to say, okay, look at this thing that happened and how I reacted. How can we improve this for next time? So for that reason, we like to tell people that the, the, uh, the relationships are practice, but the emotions and the patterns are real. And that's the whole point, is to put yourself in situations And, and a i, yeah, and, and a community of support. Like, like when you have your breaking upwards, we all celebrate you for what you learned and, and for your evolution. Um, we even celebrate people for their mistakes because a mistake is just a learning opportunity.

Willow:

How many, um, people generally do you need in a cohort to, to run it?

Guy:

I mean, there's no, we we're experimenting with that as we're evolving and growing the cohort. You know, the first few cohorts had like 30 or 40 people. Um, this most recent cohort has 60 people, so there's also, um. Uh, the way we create the dates and the dating stations, there's some technology that's involved there. So there is like a limit to how many dates people can actually have. How many people can have in the room. Um, so I'm actually working to evolve the technology so we can grow beyond that theoretical limit.

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Maya:

Yeah. I just wanna add one thing that, um, what we provide, we provide a playground with a structure and a safety net. The rest is truly up to the participants, and this is where your free will and personal self responsibility comes in. And this is actually such a foreign concept for so many people because right, there's that fairytale idea whether there's a perfect person. With whom I'm gonna have a perfect relationship, or there's this coaches who's gonna fix and set up everything for me. And it's like, no, we offer you a playground, but you still playing. Like you in charge of your moves, you in charge how you showing up? You in charge what you expressing yourself?

Guy:

Yeah. So, so many people are like, can you, can you match me up with this person? And I'm like, no. Like how, how, is that gonna help you? Like. I'm not out there with you in the real world, you know, making an introduction for

Leah:

Hey, can you hook me up with Jesse?

Guy:

but, but pass a you can ask. But you can ask them Uhhuh if they wanna be in a seven day with you. Yeah.

Maya:

Yeah. And the other thing I wanted to say, that the program is hybrid. Yes. The main Zoom calls are, I mean, the main calls are happening over Zoom and yes, it is an international program and open to anyone, but people meet throughout 90 days, a lot. A lot.

Guy:

They, they move in together and

Leah:

Can they have more than, can they have more than one seven day experience at a time?

Guy:

So, so they can have multiple mm-hmm. As we will hold a container for as many Yeah. We call them free agent relationships. We, We, will create, we will offer a random, we will offer four random selection processes so that you can have four relationships. You can accept or decline any relationship. You can end a relationship early. You can restart a relationship. You can mutual match a relationship. There's many different ways that you can, uh, play it. Um.

Leah:

Can you end a relationship early? Like if you say like, Ooh, after two days, I'm not into this person.

Guy:

Sovereignty. You play the game the way you wanna play the game. Um, so, uh, so there's many different relationships that you can, uh, yeah. That you can create.

Maya:

We had poly relationships where one person would be in a multiple relationships, and there's very interesting things that people learn. Some people, we had a guy

Guy:

who was like, well, I wanna have a relationship with three women. And I said, okay, if this at the same time, like a, a, a threesome or. Quad relationship. And I said, okay, we'll play that game for you. So we put on some game show music and I said to all the women, so all of you women that are interested in being part of this three woman relationship, um, leave your video on and if you're not interested in being in the relationship, turn your video off.

Leah:

Okay.

Guy:

Uh, and it so happened that three women had their video on. I was like, well, you've got three women right here, you know, are you a yes to creating a quad relationship with all three of them? And he said, yes. I said, okay, great. So you're gonna go and you're gonna do your RCA with each woman. That's your, uh, relationship container agreement. You're gonna do that with each woman and as a group. And, uh, and, and he got what he asked for.'cause we, we are there. Like, this is the container. Play the game the way you want. So he had his, uh, his relationship with uh, three women at the same time.

Leah:

That's so cool. Um, okay, so do you ask people not to be on dating apps during this

Guy:

no, absolutely not. The experience is actually designed to supplement your dating.'cause you're gonna be learning skills. We want you to go out and use them in the real world. Take. Take your RCA when you meet someone and say, Hey, let, hey, I wanna share with you my intentions for our connection. Yeah. You know, or, Hey, do you wanna try a seven day relationship experiment and see how that works? By all means.

Leah:

I, I imagine that by being able to date, you know, different people in the same seven week period also eliminates some problems with gender balance.'cause one of my questions was gonna be, do you have to keep

Guy:

pretty equally gender balanced. Yeah. We work

Leah:

do aim for gender balanced.

Guy:

work hard to gender balance, and the cohort has sold out every time, so we often have a wait list so that if we have one or more in the other way, we can let somebody in off the wait list in order to gender balance it. Yeah, it

Leah:

many

Guy:

it easier. It's not necessary.

Leah:

how many people are coming into the program from Tantra speed date?

Guy:

Um, I'm not sure. I imagine a, probably a good amount of them

Willow:

You're not tracking that. I'm surprised.

Leah:

am surprised you don't have an algorithm that's

Willow:

have

Guy:

I don't know that, I don't know that off the top of my head. I mean, I'm sure a good deal of them,

Maya:

75% probably.

Guy:

Um,

Willow:

Oh, that's a lot. Yeah.

Leah:

Yeah, that's great.

Willow:

Let's talk a little bit about Tantra speed date. For our listeners who don't know exactly what that means, what is speed dating, first of all, and what is Tantra speed dating? What is the spin? Maya, why don't you take it away? Doubting.

Maya:

So if somebody doesn't know what speed dating is, is um. Dating with a speed element. So you have couple minutes to connect with each person who's coming for speed dating. Typical speed dating usually happens at the bar, and you just literally go from table to table and you have three minutes to talk about. Anything and what people usually do, they talk about where you from, what do you do? So it's very, uh, fast turns into like a interview. Tantra speed date is a very unique experience. Which guy put all his expertise from Tantra and screenwriting? So Tantra speed date has an arc. We taking you on a journey and, uh. With Tantra speed, date, all the connection exercises, they are guided. So you don't have to think what to say and you don't have to think what to do. We are taking care of that. And you practice conscious, uh, relating, and Guy has a great story why he actually, uh, created, um, this concept.

Guy:

Well, as you know, from the world of Tantra, uh, I would. I would be in these Tantra pujas where there's a circle of men on on the outside and a circle of women on the inside, and you have a intimate experience with someone, or a breathing exercise or a meditation. And I would feel very connected to the women that I would be doing these exercises with. And I thought to myself, wow, like I just had more intimacy with this woman. I don't know than I've had on someone I've been dating for a few weeks. And, uh, and so I would have this intimacy with, with these women, and it felt so good and so juicy that I was like, oh, like I wanna explore this connection more. Um, but uh, you know, after the whole, like, you know, namaste and moving on to the next station, like by the time the, the Tantra puja was over, it felt kind of weird. Like, if I asked her for her number, that would be creepy because like, we just shared this beautiful moment together and I was like, well, what if we created an event? We could do a Tantra puja, but it's for the purpose of dating. Everybody stepping into that container knows that that's why they're there. And then that way men and women can meet in a uh, way where we can actually honor each other. Rather than where we show up as adversaries.

Maya:

Yeah. And I think what makes central speed did also unique you learning skills, you learning communication skills, you learning relationship skills, you learning Tantra and you learning what goes into connection, uh, and how you create connection, which a lot of people don't have those skills. They merrily looking for somebody to get attracted to, which. We all know that attraction doesn't necessarily lead to successful partnership and thriving relationships. So, um, think of this experience as you gaining very valuable skillset while you dating.

Leah:

Yeah. I think also it's worth mentioning that,'cause I think sometimes people hear Tantra and they think sex. So it's not an event where you're going to have sex with people for a couple minutes each, or you're undressing each other or you're getting to like Tantric like kiss. It's. It's intimate, but it's not sexually intimate. You're really learning relationship skills as you go from one station to the next. And I understand that Santa Barbara might be a city you're opening up.

Willow:

So, yeah, I was recently, um, I went to my very first, I've been hearing about Tantra speed date for probably, I don't know, seven years or something. And I went to my very first one down in LA recently. And what I was really taken with was. How many people were coming back to Tantra speed Day just simply for the experience of authentic relating. They're like, there's really nowhere else where we can go and just be in deep, intimate, authentic moments with a stranger that you know and, and. Fi I I, what I love about that experience is you, you learn so much about yourself through that. And I think that's why people come back because they're like, I, it, if I get a date, great, but if not, I'm here to learn something about myself through being in, uh, authentic practice, a Tantric practice. if Tantra is something that's interesting to you and you're like, I don't know if I wanna spend a whole weekend doing a deep dive with a bunch of people I don't know this is an opportunity to go and spend just a few hours dipping your toes. Yeah, just a taste of it. So I'm really excited to become a facilitator of Tantra Speed Day here in Santa Barbara in the next, in the coming. Um, it's gonna be a really fun journey and, um, I love leading Pujas anyway. I've done it a bunch and so it's just gonna be a thrill and a half for me to get to lead Pujas once a month in a new community.

Leah:

Yeah, I wanna um, a couple things. One is I wanna know how people can look at the schedule for Tantra speed date, because you're in like a ton of cities. And then how do people get matched up? Explain how it works at the end of the night where you find out your matches.

Guy:

So, uh, if, so, to find out where Tantra speed date is happening, you want to go to our website, www.TantranNYcom/speed-dating, and then you can choose your city from the dropdown and it'll kind of show you all the, uh, all the events that are happening there or in nearby cities. So, uh, so that one is pretty easy. You go to the website. As far as a matching process in Tantra speed date, we like to say that the women make the first move. So everybody at Tantra speed, they gets a pouch that they wear around their neck. It's a little velvet pouch, and the women have beads in their pouches, and after they interact with a man, uh, the man's eyes are gonna be closed. When we're in the transition ritual between person to person, the man will close his eyes at the end of the date. And the woman, if she wants to connect with him again, will take one of her beads and put it in his pouch. And that is how she will indicate, uh, interest. And then after the event, uh, we will connect those people, uh, together and anybody can make the next move from that point. So we like to say the women make the first move, uh, and then you take it from there.

Leah:

Okay. Now, how many relation, like have there been any long-term relationships or any marriages that have come out of both the 90 day experience and Tantra speed date?

Guy:

Yes, so, oh yeah. Tantra speed date has many, many, many relationships, marriages, even babies. People send me photos of their babies. Uh, so tons, tons have come out of it. It's beautiful. People, people have sent me photos of their babies. They have sent me photos of their proposal. Uh,'cause they met at Tantra speed date and send me stories, uh, which is really beautiful to receive. Uh, definitely will brighten your day when you get a message like that from someone or, or like, look, look or, or to follow them from the proposal to the wedding to the baby.

Maya:

We were at one of the weddings.

Guy:

Yeah. We recently

Leah:

Oh, neat.

Guy:

So it's, it's really one, and I tell people, you know, if you meet on Tantra speed date and you do have a baby, baby belongs to us. Just your first born, not the rest of them. Have more babies. If you wanna have more. The first one we take credit for it. Um, yeah, so that's Tantra speed date, and then the 90 day. So the 90 day, the, the purpose of the 90 day is not for you to come into it and find your partner in there, right? The purpose is to learn the skills to practice, to really be able to use this reflection and supportive community to identify your patterns and blocks, change who you are so that then when you go out there, you're attracting different people. You're finally attracting people that you are attracted to, and you've gotten your stuff out of the way so that you can actually create the relationship that you want. Right. The, the predominant thinking in, in, uh, psychology right now is that our attraction is that we, we attract people that match our pattern. Right, which is why we end up in relationships with people that we don't wanna be in a relationship with. So this is the place to be like, oh, those are the signals I'm putting out. Thank you for reflecting that to me partner or coach or program and, oh, it happened again in this relationship. Thank you for reflecting it to me. Now I can start to make changes. I can clear my patterns so that now my attraction is not based on a past trauma. It's based on who do I actually wanna be with to create a relationship with, which is a breakthrough. And where else can you get something like that. But with the practice, so the goal of the program is practice. I hesitate to say this'cause I don't want people coming into the program thinking I'm gonna find my one and only here. But in every cohort we've had at least one couple that wanted to continue beyond the cohort. Some of those are still continuing now, 30 days, six month containers, et cetera, using the tools and the framework. Um, but I hesitate to say that because to me that isn't the goal. That to me is simply a byproduct that proves that the program works.

Leah:

That's a great distinction.

Willow:

Now you guys prac must practice what you preach, so I'm so curious if we can get a

Guy:

Yes.

Willow:

personal. How

Guy:

what I love. Here's what I love about the program, is we're not just taking you through a series of things. All of us as the coaches, if we make you do something, we do it too. When we teach you a new tool and say, this is your homework, guess what? We do it too. These skills are gonna help you in every relationship. When we did the first cohort, I said to Maya like, we need to do an RCA at the sa at the same time that the students are doing an RCA. Now, my original intention was, I wanna do this so that we can improve the tool by actually putting our, like, let's use the tool and in the using of the tool we'll get data so we can improve the tool for everybody else. We

Leah:

Wait, what's RCA?

Guy:

So the RCA is one of the tools that you use to build your relationship. In our process, it's called a relationship container agreement, and it's actually a written agreement. So you meet with your partner, you share intentions, you write them down in your RCA, right? So, so at the end of the relationship, a question will ask you is, go back to your RCA at the now. You started this RCA seven days ago, the, that was your intention. Now you're at the end of the relationship. How was that intention served? What did you learn? Right? So, so there's a whole process to it, and the RCA is part of that relationship process. So I told Maya, let's use the RCA and create a seven day relationship for ourselves because, uh, you know, I wanna, I wanna know how this works so I can improve it. So, so we did that, but we didn't expect that the tool would actually improve our own relationship. Like we didn't expect that we would gain learning from the tool. And we did. So since that moment we were like, okay, everybody, if we're gonna make them so on. Okay. So now we're doing a seven day relationship. All the coaches are pairing up with each other to create experimental relationships so we can be in sync with the students and uh, and you know, walk the walk and talk the talk.

Willow:

Brilliant. How fun. Now, how many coaches, let's say you've got 60 in a cohort, how many coaches do you need?

Guy:

We have, uh, well, we have a, we have a group of coaches. Uh, it can range from four to six coaches, depending on participants. We have five right now, five coaches for the 60 people, plus myself. So, um, yeah.

Willow:

Nice. I love it. Gosh. So much fun. Okay, so, uh, for our listeners out there who are like, I wanna do it, sign me up. What do they need to do if, uh, do they need to get on a wait list, get on your mailing

Guy:

Yes, so, so there is a wait list. There is a wait list. You wanna go to our website to find information about the upcoming cohort, like the, the URL for that right now is www.Tantra NY.com/ninety. That will usually get you to the wait list where you can read more information. Sign up onto the wait list, uh, and then we have a, uh, conversation to see if this could be a good fit for you and find out what your dating goals are and share a bit about more about how the program works.

Willow:

That's good. So you guys are kind of vetting as much as they're vetting you, like you wanna make sure that you've got the right

Guy:

We want the right, like so, so, so you need to have a growth mindset. That's one of the things is you wanna be willing to grow, you need to have a willingness to, uh, engage and confront your patterns. You need to, um, and you're gonna have plenty of support for it. Like there's, you'll, there's no greater place to do support, uh, than this program. Um, and you're gonna have a dedicated coach. So you have to be coachable. Right, because you'll get feedback, you'll get feedback from your partners. We also have anonymous feedback forms. So you could say, Hey, can you tell me what the last three women said about me? Like, what were my strengths? What were my weaknesses? Um, how did they rate me on, on this? On a scale of one to 10, because we, we take very uh, uh, uh, uh, informative surveys of everybody of their experience so we can get a sense of what is every, what, you know, what's this person's blind spot? How have they been experienced in relationship? And we support you through that process.

Maya:

Yeah. I also want to add that a lot of coaches of the program, uh, practiced. Not only within the program, but practiced before. Mm-hmm. Like those are people who have been on the path of conscious relating Tantra, um, for years, for decades. Mm-hmm. So I think among like all of us, we have like probably 50 years of experience, if not like even more. Yeah. Uh, and right, like that's important because when it comes to relationships, it's all about, um, uh, modeling. So you kind of need to have it within yourself in order for people to trust your leadership and trust your guidance. And for myself personally, like I'm investing right now, like$20,000 into learning more skills in this realm because like I have to keep myself on the tip toes as well. If you're in the field of relating you constantly. Educate yourself and you constantly practice. And I think what me and Guy are exploring in our relationship is to have more willingness to admit when we want to grow, right? To admit like, okay, this container is too tight, it's time to like break it and see what will emerge as and right. Like I'm listening to myself and I'm like, oh my God, if like five. 10 years ago, somebody would tell me that, that I would be able to like, let go of certain relationship, uh, frame and not knowing what new will be born and feel fine about that. I'm like, how is that even possible? Right? So you grow your capacity to show up authentically in your relationship, to be open, to be curious, to be alive, to have uncomfortable conversations. Mm-hmm.

Guy:

And that's how this kind of process got started is that I've had many relationships where it felt like the only way to change the dynamic of the relationship was to break up. And I've had relationships where we would break up, get back together, break up, get back together, break up, get back together. And I started to realize we didn't actually want to break up. There just wasn't another way to change the agreements of our relationship once they were set in stone as the relationship started. And of course, if the agree and the agreements are often unspoken and they're set in place in the beginning, but people's needs change over time and, and those agreements. Need to be changed, especially if you're somebody with a growth mindset. And so I remember that the idea for the 90 day came around and these short experimental relationships, uh, I call them relationship by lease. We sign a lease, it ends. You have to renew it or not renew it. And it came around because I was renewing the lease for my apartment. And as, as, as I was doing that, I was also creating the program. And I remember they had this box like. I had to check off like, yes, I will stay and I will pay this extra rent. Right? There's an amendment of the agreement I have to sign, or no, I'm not gonna stay and I'm gonna leave on this date. And I just, I really love the clarity of that. I'm like, you know, relationships should be like this. Yes, this is serving my needs. I need to charge more or I need to amend some of the ways that this relationship is working. Right. In the, in the lease thing, it's like, well, we need to charge more now because

Willow:

Of course you would bring a lease agreement into a dating thing guy, like

Guy:

Exactly right. Or, or like, right.'cause my needs have changed and I need something a little different. So I don't wanna break and destroy the entire relationship. But can we get together at a regular interval? Revisit our agreements and do we we have another tool called the State of the Union, and it's a series of things that you use to evaluate how healthy is this relationship? Do we wanna continue this relationship? What do we need to change in this relationship? What has served my intention for this relationship and what has not served it? Like, do I need to change the relationship or do I need to change my intention? Was I wrong about my intention? And people learned through from, from this sort of 360 degree process, like their needs, the relationship, the agreement, and all the pieces start to come together so that you start to thrive more in relationship.

Willow:

You know, one of the things I love the most about this is it has, um, what we call, um, like face, like think, you know, when you, when you talk about a program or something, face value, face value isn't the word, but it's like, oh, I can think of a person for that. I can think of another person for that. I can think of another person for that. And as you guys are talking, I'm like. Well, I'm thinking of some people who are in relationships already, so I think it's valuable for both singles and people who are already in relationships, even if it's a monogamous relationship even it seems like both could step into the cohort and into the community and just really learn a lot about how to be in a new form of relationship with each other. So it seems like a really great way for people who, who've been together for a long time, who feel really stuck and like at odds and can't get past their SAM scars and their patterns and their shit to break out of it.

Leah:

Yeah. Well, is that or is that available?

Maya:

they are open to connect with other people and they can establish boundaries of that for themselves. We had a couple who were part of the program, however, they both were coaches, so they both stepped in with a lot of kind of tools that they had at their belt and with a clear agreement that they will go on a seven day relationships with different people. Mm-hmm. And it's not an issue and they're not gonna fight about that. Right. So I would say you need to take care of your boundaries and agreements beforehand, but it's absolutely incredible experience to be courageous, to have that mirror and learn tools and kind of refresh and, right. The beautiful thing about long-term partnership is that you do sometimes need to take a break and then, right. You meet other people, you connect with other people and you're like, no, I still miss that person. Mm-hmm. Like, isn't that beautiful? Right. Yeah.

Guy:

Sometimes people create an RCA with themselves and say, you know what? I'm gonna opt out of choosing, I need seven days with myself to really, uh, tune into myself. Um. The, the program is for singles, and yes, we have on occasion had some couples attend. However, what we tell the singles, because you're, you're very right in noticing that these skills serve any relationship. We tell the singles that like, look, if you are having your longer relationship and, uh, and you are put using the tools and doing what you need to, will teach you some more advanced couples things. And, uh, you know, the couples that choose to get together. They get to do other types of practices. So, um, it, it is, it is primarily for singles and we offer a lot of support to help you take your relationship if that is working for you, and continue to evolve it and create additional containers, um, and become more of a couple, and then you can learn even deeper practices that we wouldn't necessarily do if you didn't know someone very well.

Maya:

Yeah. And I just wanna add that the bottom line of the program is that you need to invest time and attention in your relationship. Because time and attention is the best healing, right? It's the best bandaid or the best like magic tool. And, um, guy loves to tell the story that we had a a point in our relationship where we were actually thinking breaking up, right? And then we put, uh, tools to practice and what it really does use the

Guy:

tools,

Maya:

uh, what it really does, right? It's you kind of like start seeing the person again because you are available, right? You're stepping in into this like, okay, like seven days, what is gonna change? Nothing. Right? And then it actually changes everything. Mm-hmm.

Guy:

Yeah, it changed, it definitely changed our relationship. We didn't wanna do it, but the kids were doing it, so we're like, well, we have to do it. And we're like, fine, we'll sit here and do it. And it changed everything

Leah:

That's awesome. Um, if you haven't listened to last week's episode, go check it out. That is with Maya and we go into some really cool stuff about female desire and having our voice and being able to speak our needs and making adjustments in our own clarity for our own needs and desires. Then how to explore that with other people in our life. So. Check that out. And we've got an episode with Guy. Guy was one of our early podcast guests, episode 23, and we talk a lot about Tantra Speed Day and his experience of reinventing relationships. He goes into great detail about those breakups, but just like he mentioned, he didn't really wanna break up. They just needed to change format of the relationship and it kind of explores how some of these tools were first given birth in his own system and how he has brought that to his work today. So, uh, go back to episode 23. All of these links will be in the show notes. And in closing, I understand you guys have a free gift. Maya, will you tell us about that?

Maya:

So the free gift is Intro to Tantra. For people who doesn't know Tantra, they can go and check that out. And please, uh, check out also our, uh, www.TantraNY.com/ninety.

Leah:

Great. Thank you so much for being here today. I love you both.

Willow:

It is such a pleasure. love you guys.

Guy:

Thank you It's been

Willow:

much.

Guy:

pleasure.

Maya:

We love you so much.

Leah:

Okay folks, stay tuned because next up is the dish. We're gonna dish it up, me and Willow. See you there.

Announcer:

Now our favorite part, the dish.

Willow:

That sounds like so much fun. I wanna

Leah:

does. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I can imagine just the lovely friendships of, you know, get established and the practice of intimacy, just like you know, which is being vulnerable, being real, being trustworthy, being present.

Willow:

It's a lot of what I love about, you know, Tantra camp when we're doing 11 days of, of deep dive with the source Tantra community. It's like, I love the, the connecting points and the intimacy and the, the relating. You know, I love all of that. Um, what you get to learn about yourself through the, the matchings that happen within those, you know, live events. So, or live in person I should say. And so this sounds like, you know, um, sort of a, another version of that.

Leah:

Yeah. Um, and like really the cornerstone to being good at relationship means being good at communicating. And most of us have shitty models. Most of our parents don't know how to communicate with each other.

Willow:

Raise your hand if your parents are shitty communicators.

Leah:

so it's not, some we're expected to do it well, but we're not taught how to do it well. And um, you know, I see a lot of people in and out of relationships. I see a lot of people wishing for a relationship. And if you want a good relationship, you gotta learn how to be a good partner. And I think this really sets you up for that.

Willow:

really does. Really, really beautiful model and

Leah:

I'd love to see them do this just for couples where it's

Willow:

Why I,

Leah:

it's really just breaking up with your partner and getting back together

Willow:

as well as I was asking that question and as I was, they were sort of answering that question. I was, I was thinking that will probably be born next,

Leah:

Yeah. Yeah. Well, we love them and we're, uh, really happy for all the things that they're doing, and it's been fun to watch their relationship in all of its many iterations

Willow:

absolutely.

Leah:

they are really a couple that have like been through it and they continue to turn towards each other.

Willow:

Yeah, they really do. It's inspiring for sure. So go check them out and uh, we will see you all very, very soon. Much left.

Leah:

Love, love, love.

Announcer:

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and positive psychology facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine doctor and Taoist Taxology teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget your comments, like subscribes and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.

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Dr. Willow Brown

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Leah Piper

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Guy Shahar and Maya Kova

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