The Sex Reimagined Podcast

Leah & Dr. Willow: Why Your Trust Issues Are Actually Self-Trust Issues (The Inside Game) | #141

• Leah Piper and Dr. Willow Brown • Season 3 • Episode 141

Share episode

Send us a text & leave your email address if you want a reply!

The Self-Trust Revolution: Why It's an Inside Game ... Ever wonder why you keep attracting the same type of partner who lets you down? Or why your body feels anxious even when everything seems "fine"? Here's the truth bomb: your trust issues aren't about other people—they're about not trusting yourself. Leah and Willow get vulnerable about their own trust journeys and share the game-changing insight that's helped thousands of their clients: trust is an inside game.

KEY TAKEAWAYS TO REMEMBER:

  • ✨ Trust Your Nervous System Opening and Closing Learn to feel when your body expands (safe) vs. contracts (warning) around people.
  • 🎯 You're the Only Constant If trust issues keep showing up across relationships, you have the power to change the pattern.
  • 🌊 Boundaries Actually Build Trust - When someone respects a boundary you don't like, it increases trust long-term.
  • 💪 You've Survived 100% of Your Worst Days Look at your track record—you're more resilient than you think.

EPISODE LINKS 



AWAKENING THE GODDESS IN CRETE! Leah & Willow want to take you on an all-woman's tantric pilgrimage to Greece Oct 5-12, 2025! Join us for a trip of lifetime. Learn More at https://www.sexreimagined.com/.

AWAKEN AROUSAL OIL LUBRICANT | Reach new levels of intimacy with our arousal oil, formulated for the female body. Once applied, this topical oil works with your body to enhance sensation and "o's," helping you reach states of euphoric pleasure. Order Here

KING & QUEEN OF HEARTS. Leah & Willow's King & Queen of Hearts Intimacy Toolkit is on sale. Buy Now. 10% off Coupon: KINGANDQUEEN10.

Support the show

Announcer:

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame-free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.

Leah:

You know it is one of our favorite times of the month where we give you an LXW episode that is Leah and Willow all by ourselves shooting the shit and giving you lots of great love, sex, and intimacy advice. You are at the Sex Reimagine Podcast. My name is Leah Piper.

trust | willow (unedited):

And I'm Dr. Willow Brown, and today we're dropping into the topic of trust because that's been coming up in our work a lot lately with our clients. And of course, it's always a topic that is near and dear to us personally, trust. And so we're gonna give you all some ways to build more trust inside of yourself, to build more trust inside of your relationships. And particularly to rebuild trust if it has been broken inside of your relationships. So this is going to be a very deep and exciting episode of, um, gosh, just how to, how to lean into and relax into your life even more.

Leah:

Yeah. I have to say regardless of the type of sex you're having, sex is always best when you really trust the person that you are fucking or making love to

trust | willow (unedited):

It's so true. It's just, it makes a world of difference because you can be

Leah:

vulnerable.

trust | willow (unedited):

Like if you really, really trust the person get more, more Outside of own comfort zone with. Then you get to explore places inside of you that, um, are, you know, uncharted, uncharted territory and in sexuality. I think that's one of the things that drives eros, you know, like, oh, I've never done that before. Exciting and fun.

Leah:

Yeah. You know, we were talking the other day about the type of people that are just super trusting in general. They kind of live in the world, assuming the best and lead with trust. And then other people who I. You know, do not do that. They are looking to see that trust is earned. They're, um, they're much more cautious and conservative about their trusting. It's a privilege. Um, and you and I agreed. And I'm curious about those of you who are listening. Are you the type of person who leads with trust or maybe suspicion? Um, and tell us why.

trust | willow (unedited):

ones and guess which one we are. Okay. I wanna put that in the comments. We're gonna hold a little contest for you all. Like do you think Leah and I, both of us are,'cause we're the same, lo and behold, um, do

Leah:

Do you think that

trust | willow (unedited):

lead with trust

Leah:

Yeah,

trust | willow (unedited):

think that we lead with, I guess suspicion would be the other side of that coin, for lack of a better word, but

Leah:

yeah. Well, we're gonna go ahead and give you that answer now. Uh, because, and, and I trust we are very, we tend to be very trusting. We prefer to be the trusting type. Um, I always trust people until they gimme a reason not to trust them.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah,

Leah:

I like that

trust | willow (unedited):

leads to a world of hurt. I will say.

Leah:

It can bite you in the ass. My, my sister thinks that is just. Irresponsible and stupid. She's like, Leah, do you know how much I've worried about you over the years when you've done some, you're traveling across the country and you're living in a tent, and then you're living in a car, and then you're living on the beach and you're always doing things that seem dangerous,

trust | willow (unedited):

Right.

Leah:

um, and you'll just trust anyone. You know? I think she imagines that I'll just get in the car with anybody.

trust | willow (unedited):

Well, I gotta tell you, I did that yesterday.

Leah:

Oh.

trust | willow (unedited):

I did that yesterday. I got in the car with just anybody.

Leah:

Oh,

trust | willow (unedited):

anybody. I had one conversation on the phone with them.

Leah:

oh my God. You gotta tell us more details. Oh,

trust | willow (unedited):

I don't

Leah:

because, because our imagination's now running wild.

trust | willow (unedited):

I don't know if I

Leah:

I can,

trust | willow (unedited):

it's so personal, you know, I'm down to get personal on the, on the podcast with y'all, but sometimes I just

Leah:

so

trust | willow (unedited):

a line in the

Leah:

that's right. Sometimes you just need to let it be all for you until you're ready to talk about it. But, um. Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes I listen to my sister in this argument and I'm like, yeah, it's, it's reasonable what you're saying and when you say it like that, am I a little Pollyanna?

trust | willow (unedited):

right?

Leah:

Um, but by and large, I just. I don't, I, I guess I believe strong in my system and I create, I try to create a coherent field around my body and my home and wherever I am in the world that I'm not visible to perpetrators.

trust | willow (unedited):

That's right. I love that.

Leah:

Yeah. And that I'm not, um, my energy is not going to hold the victim mindset.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah. And

Leah:

you know, that.

trust | willow (unedited):

that, not to jump too far ahead in our episode already, but what Aliyah is speaking to is one of the things that we wanna give you, which is like trusting in your own nervous. Like you can tell when something is open and feels right and it's okay and it feels good, and then there's other times when you can tell like, oh, there was a closing. There was a wrapping inward of my, my nervous system around that situation or that person. But I went and I did it anyway, and then I got bit in the ass. You know, so it's like over time you start to learn to trust your own opening and closing of your nervous system around certain encounters with certain people. Um, you know, even as you're going along in relationships sometimes you probably have had the experience where it's like, oh, this relationship, I can tell something is off and something might be coming to, some kind of closure or. End point, but it hasn't actually done that yet, and then a couple of weeks later, boom, it closes itself down.

Leah:

I think obviously our life experiences inform also our ability for trust to come easy or not. You know, if you've dated three narcissists

trust | willow (unedited):

is a really good point.

Leah:

you've been love bombed and you have um, been gaslit, you know, in a marriage for 20 years, it is reasonable and probably in some ways wise to re. Yeah, at at least do what you need to do to have better distinctions, to see signs, to, um, do some deeper work around how to better protect yourself. And that may be a process until you are able to more fully trust in a way that feels good.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah, I, you know, and piggybacking on

Leah:

Uh, I wanna.

trust | willow (unedited):

say like even it is for some people have, have grown up with trauma and abuse in the household. Um, could be physical, could be sexual, could be verbal abuse. All of that can equally really, um, inhibit your ability to un to understand your own nervous system and understand what's safe and what's not. So that that experience of opening and closing might be really just the foundation may have never gotten laid down inside of you. And I just wanna put a plugin for Journey work and Plant Medicine around that particular piece because I have seen people who, who came from those upbringings and came from just lots of, I mean, horrific abuse things that you wouldn't even see in the movies. And through psychedelic, through journey work, they have come to a place inside of themselves where they really. Um, they really know how to read energy better. They really know how to read signs and even people's faces and read ener, you know, read the, the frequency of What's going to a point where they can remove themselves

Leah:

on doesn't.

trust | willow (unedited):

safe for them, or step forward if it does feel right.

Leah:

That's as a result of doing plant medicine,

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

you're saying? Yeah. Well, you know,

trust | willow (unedited):

way to heal. And sexuality or sexual practices is another way to do that. Like those two medicines, like really opening up your Shakti and awakening through tantric practices and plant medicine, both of them can just completely redefine your nervous system. So plugs for both.

Leah:

I think that's interesting that you bring that up because it reminds me of a lot of people that I know, even if it wasn't like super traumatic, but their parents, you know, there was a cheating parent who was always lying, or there was a parent that used emotions to manipulate.

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

and to kinda hold the family hostage.

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

I think when you have that as a part of your conditioning in terms of like what love looks like, it's no wonder that there would be some trust in your nervous system that has been disrupted, that now needs to be rewired. And that can be some harder patterns to shift because they were laid down when your brain was so young and it's still developing. Um, and I really think just traditional therapy. Can do wonders around this type of work. I do have to say yes. I think that things like, um, sexual healing and, and other somatic practices, um, are, are very helpful. But I would caution a little bit jumping into the sexual healing space without doing Some fundamental pieces because what I notice is when someone has a lot of trust trauma, they're also the ones that tend to not take responsibility for things that, for a rupture that they don't understand. And there there can be a lot of projections and transference to the person who's giving to them, um, that makes them actually not a trustworthy person to work with. And so I think sometimes the sexual work is a little bit delicate and it requires if you're gonna engage in it, having some good personal responsibility, not being brand new to therapeutic processes so that you've got a foundation and a maturity to go to that level of nudity because of the vulnerability.

trust | willow (unedited):

That's a really good caution and a really good point. I mean, there's so many and there's so many somatic practices these days. Somato emotional release, EMDR, um, you know, gosh,

Leah:

Uh, IFS Internal Family Systems. Yeah,

trust | willow (unedited):

say that I took the words outta my mouth and I,

Leah:

I, I love that you brought

trust | willow (unedited):

forward because Yeah, the sexuality piece, it's such a root piece of where we generally societally don't trust. that. so if that, if you don't have some kind of foundation, it can be, it could potentially take you further down the, I don't trust one path Now Now I'm. Leah,'cause you've been working with people hands on for so many years. Have you had that experience? I've never had it.

Leah:

I've watched Delay Detonations a lot. I've seen it, especially in the seminar space. And thankfully that's a good place for those things to happen because there's a lot of support

trust | willow (unedited):

I've seen it there,

Leah:

yeah, so you know, you have two students who are beginners learning this and it's, um. It's not a bad thing for that to show up because it helps give a template for everybody how to handle, um, that kind of experience. Uh, but it really, it, it's hard because everyone's triggered and, and their safety patterns are, are up and people are at different levels of taking personal responsibility and are at different levels of their ability to receive feedback. And how they're gonna internalize that and the meaning that they make about that.

trust | willow (unedited):

So true.

Leah:

yeah.

trust | willow (unedited):

Oh, isn't hu Aren't humans People? So humans. Peoples. They're so fascinating. There's so many layers to them. Alright. Well let's. into the pros and cons of trust inside of sexuality and romance. Obviously, we've talked about some pros already. Deep trust within yourself and within relationship to another person can create uninhibited pleasure total. Paths To um, so let these, uh, waves of eroticism, rapture and arousal. Never had before can come to you and it can really create this deep sense of emotional depth.

Leah:

Yeah. You know, I wanna talk about like the pros because there's a certain sense of security that when you can internalize trust, your sense of security is grows exponentially in so many different sectors of your life. You trust your inner guidance, that what you feel deep inside is the right path for you, that despite what other people want you to do. That you choose your own sovereignty, you move forward to really trust your gut and your system. And when you can do that repeatedly with good success, that gets stronger and stronger and stronger. So I think having trust in your inner guidance is something to develop. I.

trust | willow (unedited):

Absolutely 110%. And I think it's something that we continue to develop.'cause you know, I've had the experience so many, well, not so many times, but. Recently, many times recently, in the last few years, where it's like I got just completely blindsided. I was just in total faith and trust and then, you know, got slapped upside the head with something different. And so it can be Like I, I always really prided on being someone who has. myself of in this. you know, where did this faith even come from? I don't know. God gave it to me. But when I look at, you know, my family structure, like I, I've never met a man in the world who has more faith in the universe and in God than my father. So that's where it came from for me. But when it gets rocked to the core like that,

Leah:

Yeah. Oof. And so what's the meaning that you make for yourself when that kind of takes you down to your knees? How do you come back from that? How do you work with your own thoughts and your feelings around that?

trust | willow (unedited):

Boy, it is a journey. I mean, I think when you have already a, a, a sense of what faith is in life and like vesting flow and trusting the unfolding, and this door closes so that window can open and with that whole you know, path. If been on it for a while and you kind of understand it and know it, it can be easier you back to that, if get rocked to your core. you, but it's, can take time and yeah. just being really patient and, um,

Leah:

Compassionate and,

trust | willow (unedited):

compassionate. And and then just being like, I don't fucking trust. you know, just

Leah:

Yeah.

trust | willow (unedited):

it like In this moment I

Leah:

I don't have faith. Yes. And giving yourself permission to actually be present to that instead of trying to bypass it emotionally.

trust | willow (unedited):

Exactly.

Leah:

You know, this is a cliche, but it does give me comfort. So I return to it time and time again. But it's the saying, it's not happening to me. It's happening for me.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah, I had someone else say something to me once they're like, yeah, it's not happening for me. Even it's not happening to me. It's happening, Happening for me. happening through me.

Leah:

Oh, that's a new one. I like that.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah. So that really, that that's. been a part of my journey for sure. And coming back to, to faith and trust is like taking my persona out of the equation. You know, getting like more cosmic with, with it all and just. Being like, this is just an experience. You know, I am not, I am not Dr. Willow Brown. I am not this ego. I am not this person that is put Out into the world but rather like I am a, a, a walking. you know, of cells that is interacting with atoms and cells all around me. And this is just what's flowing through at the moment.

Leah:

You know, back to security, I was thinking about like trust and security and I feel really fortunate to have a marriage where we have a very strong foundation of security.

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

when I think about the times where I questioned that, I. So within your marriage? or Yes, life. my marriage. Like really wanting Matt's support in a very specific way for specific reasons and feeling crushed when that is just not something he can provide.

trust | willow (unedited):

Right.

Leah:

I'll, I'll give you like, there's certain parts of my career. Matt's very generous and totally believes in me and, and, um, and loves what I do, all that stuff. It's not that he has any problem with my career choice, but there have been times when I want him to give me the level of faith that my father gives me, which is that message. You can be anything you want. You know, like you can have it, oh, it's like that cheerleader in the corner that just sees your genius and your brilliance and thinks you're just the biggest star in the world. And I, I had that with Charles, you know, he, he provided that and, and that was really good for me. And so when Matt really wasn't interested, at all. And kind of giving me that kind of messaging is like, eh, like it's not in alignment for me. Leah. Yes, I think you're great. But no, I don't care if you're a superstar. In fact, I prefer if you weren't.

trust | willow (unedited):

Uh, Uhhuh.

Leah:

just gobsmacked. I couldn't believe it.

trust | willow (unedited):

Right,

Leah:

was so outta, I just thought it was unreasonable. I'm like, fake it, you know? Um, so.

trust | willow (unedited):

man in my life that's been in primary is felt that way.

Leah:

So it's an interesting thing to just go, okay. Okay. I can't, I, this is not worth a fight. This is his truth. What am I gonna do? Am I gonna make this mean something about him or make that mean something about my worth that he doesn't see me or something? And then I just, I sat with that for a little while and said, you know what, i'm gonna trust other people who authentically do see that in me. And when I need that kind of reflection, I have other people I can go to. It doesn't have to come from my romantic partner.

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

and that.

trust | willow (unedited):

come from me.

Leah:

It, it, it comes from you, it comes from Whitney. Yeah. Um, so a, I had to trust myself in that moment

trust | willow (unedited):

Uh,

Leah:

just because he wasn't going to be that cheerleader, a doesn't mean I abandoned that need.

trust | willow (unedited):

right.

Leah:

means I have to go resource, go get it from somewhere else. B, it gave me an opportunity to reflect. Well, that's interesting. How badly do I actually need that? What, where's this coming from? There's a little girl in here, and then there's all this projection of what I think success looks like. And so it gave me a chance to really kind of tease apart a new way of looking at everything. And because he just stayed in his truth and didn't buckle and didn't give me something that I wanted, but yeah, and now I actually trust him a little bit more that he said no.

trust | willow (unedited):

I love

Leah:

Which was hard, like I didn't like that answer. So like watching how trust can increase when someone gives you boundaries that you prefer, they didn't give you,

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

that takes time to land though,'cause you don't like that answer right away. So it takes time to realize, wow, the backside of this is actually more trust.

trust | willow (unedited):

Well, exactly, and I mean this is so important. What you're, what you're pointing toward right now is that, you know, part

Leah:

of

trust | willow (unedited):

being able to trust another is to really understand that, um, you. Is to not expect them to give you things that you know are not in them to give, that are not authentic within them to give. Otherwise, you're then setting yourself up for failure over and over again. And I do feel like in long-term relationships, this is where. Um, you know, trust issues start to begin. And, and the, the leaky energy of like, well, I can't trust you to ever, you know, um, to an example, this is a stupid example, but I can't ever trust you to get the garbage out to the street on time for the garbage truck to pick it up. And it's like, well, that person doesn't. Orient

Leah:

to that.

trust | willow (unedited):

a value. Like

Leah:

That's not something.

trust | willow (unedited):

important to them. It's never gonna be important to them. Stop putting it on them to make that thing valuable to them enough that you would be able to trust them to do it.

Leah:

No,

trust | willow (unedited):

you know, there's so many layers and

Leah:

there is a lot of layers and kind of, you know, another thing about boundaries that I had to learn when dealing with boundaries and how to get better at them is when you make a boundary and you say, if you don't honor this, this is what's going to happen. I.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

you don't actually follow through with that consequence.

trust | willow (unedited):

right.

Leah:

Um, so it's like learning if you, if you want them to trust your boundaries and if you wanna trust your boundaries, you actually have to do the hard thing when the boundary is broken.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

so it's like, make sure those consequences are ones you're willing to follow through on, because who. Because then it, it disrupts people trusting you,

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

though you set that boundary sometimes being motivated by the fact that you can't trust them.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah, totally, totally. You can just set yourself up for failure so easily. So you gotta be really honest with yourself. I mean, that's such a big part of trust is really just being honest with yourself about all of this. And while you're bringing up boundaries, I don't, you know, if those of you who haven't heard us talk about boundaries yet, I think it's really important to just throw this piece in and let's talk about it now is like boundaries are, are. You know, made up of sort of two pathways and a boundary could either be a request or it could be a requirement. So just to set it up a little bit more about what Leah's talking about, if, if she has a boundary, like I need you to take out the garbage every Tuesday, and if you don't.

Leah:

Don't

trust | willow (unedited):

I will still

Leah:

love you.

trust | willow (unedited):

will still be your wife. I will still be here for you,

Leah:

That is.

trust | willow (unedited):

a request a requirement, which is I need you to take out the garbage every Tuesday, and if you

Leah:

Don't it's

trust | willow (unedited):

to be the undoing of this relationship. At some

Leah:

Or if you don't, it's gonna rot and the garbage is gonna pile up and

trust | willow (unedited):

it's gonna stink.

Leah:

yeah.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

Um, yeah. That's a good, it's a good distinction to play with y'all. The difference between a requirement and a request.

trust | willow (unedited):

that's that being really honest with yourself. And I think one of the things too about boundaries versus like rules for example, you know,'cause these things keep us safe. Boundaries, rules, fences, make good neighbors. Um, you know, rule rules tend to be more hard and fast, whereas boundaries shift as you shift. Boundaries can be changing and malleable as you change and evolves. Um, it's important to always kind of like a requirement of a, you know, a

Leah:

Boundaries.

trust | willow (unedited):

side could easily turn in, I'm

Leah:

I'm sorry,

trust | willow (unedited):

side could easily turn

Leah:

turn

trust | willow (unedited):

a requirement

Leah:

down line.

trust | willow (unedited):

So, um, just keeping your finger on the pulse of what's really true for you is gonna be like the number one north node for trusting in life.

Leah:

And I really encourage people who did have examples in their early childhood of. Um, distorted trust of having family members that repeatedly lied or cheated or betrayed, or manipulated or gaslit to take some time. All of you, if you haven't reflect on your earlier child childhood, how much of that was going on in your household, and do you find yourself in fights with partners and not just maybe the partner you're with, but past relationships because you couldn't trust them. What tends to happen is we go into transference. Suddenly we can't see that it's, it's Jeff, our lover of three years. We're actually in transference. It's our dad, we're seeing, or it's our uncle, or it's the last five boyfriends who cheated on you. And the thing to recognize instead of blaming, blaming, blaming so that you can validate your reason not to trust and why men aren't trustworthy or women aren't trustworthy or so on and so forth, is you're the only constant in this pattern. So if you do want to find a trustworthy partner and have a healthier relationship in the world of trust, you're not gonna get there. If all it's about is trusting things that are outside of you. The way to course correct is going and developing self-trust. Is, is getting very introspective on, on the inflection points in your life where. You where trust bit you hurt, you, devastated you, and, and now to sort of correct your faith. So that, and then to also look inside because so much we don't, here's the reason why we really wanted to have this episode is because so many people think of trust and they, they always project that it's outside of them.

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

When really trust is an inside game. It's a door that opens over here and what happens is. We don't trust our ability to choose the right partner. We don't trust our ability not to make the same mistake over and over again because it's happened over and over and over again. So if you wanna heal trust, you also have to take a look at, do I trust myself?

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah. Yeah. Can, can I find a place inside of myself that I can calibrate enough to my own truth that I can trust that, and is a very deep, deep practice, a Very deep personal, um, journey. And it does have to get recalibrated continually. You know, it's like that these last three years have shown me, um, a deeper pathway into faith and trust in myself than I ever had before because of breaches in trust that were, um, that transpired over and over again.

Leah:

You know, one of the biggest issues around trust for me, that I had to heal was trusting that I was lovable and that I was worthy of like someone being in love with. And the way I tried to protect myself, because the scariest thing, and I remember the fear, like the visceral fear of if. If I found out, like my hunch was I wasn't worthy and I wasn't lovable, and the worst thing that could happen is to prove that that's true. So I just wouldn't even go there with lovers. I just settled, like I just made this starry story up that like I was cool'cause I had lovers,

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

but. No one was really falling in love with me

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

it, I couldn't admit how badly I wanted that. So I just told myself lies and lies, and lies and lies, and for years and years and years. And I went without acknowledging this huge desire, this deep, deep human need. And also to take the risk and to find out would anyone fall in love with me? Um,

trust | willow (unedited):

it's okay. So question, personal question then. How long, how long, when you finally got. with yourself, what What was the process? What was the journey? What was the timeframe that it took for Matt to totally fall in love with you?

Leah:

Well, this, I was able to correct this before Matt. Um, so I, it, it, this happened a little bit earlier in life and really it wasn't until I discovered Tantra

trust | willow (unedited):

Uhhuh?

Leah:

I started putting, having more truly intimate, sober.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yes.

Leah:

Um,

trust | willow (unedited):

experiences

Leah:

that were asking me to get really present, especially with sex.

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

And that I began to change the vibration of people that I was spending time with. So I was, wasn't smoking as much, weed wasn't getting wasted at night, going to bars. Um, I was like sober enough to actually feel all this fear and to to get naked emotionally as much as I was getting naked physically. And it was wonderful and shattering at the same time that I couldn't hide from myself anymore. And like there's something about conscious relating, um, and, and being in a community of people who are of like mind that are so much support for you there that you learn to trust that I'm gonna shatter in front of somebody and they're gonna see like how scared and ugly I feel about myself and they catch you.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

And suddenly I had a mirror for what, what trust and love, what was possible with that. And that transformation was the biggest gift of my entire life. I, I'm so lucky that, and I'm so proud of myself that I took those seminars and I went to those workshops and I got uncomfortable. Um, because it changed everything. It changed, it changed everything. Okay.

trust | willow (unedited):

Okay, so what would you say to our listeners who are like,

Leah:

Fuck.

trust | willow (unedited):

I I needed I need to get that real with I need to get that honest with myself and you know, and I'm scared my hell. and I don't know where to even begin.

Leah:

Well, I would start looking for community. I think that's the best way to do it. And what that allows you to do is you've got a lot of people in one place, you're having a shared experience, and that gives you a felt sense, exploration and trusting different people. And being able to feel in a group you'll, you'll resonate with one person a lot. That's probably the person you feel the most synergistic trust with. You might be a little bit suspicious of someone else, so you have multiple experiences of feeling your trust meter. And of course, working with a therapist too, I think is helpful. But I like the group idea because instead of putting all your faith in one teacher or one coach, or one therapist where they could disappoint you.

trust | willow (unedited):

right.

Leah:

You put yourself into a community that has a container around it that's people have referred to you

trust | willow (unedited):

Uhhuh

Leah:

that you can try some things out. Um, one place that people tend to like and get a lot of value from is the high. Um, human Awareness Institute. They've got a, um, a place in California. They may have something on the East Coast. Mankind Project is a great place for, uh, as a men's group for men to develop trust, both in self and other. Um, certainly the workshops that Willow and I create are ones, um, you know, retreats. That, that's, that's the cornerstone is us developing how to trust ourselves and others. So there's so much access out there for you to start to, uh.

trust | willow (unedited):

and it doesn't even have to be in the sexuality space. You know? could go do some, it, it does seem like do having some kind of like evolutionary developmental training, Mm-hmm. that you're going through with a group of people, you know, really allows you to drop in with these people because when you're going through an evolutionary developmental training, you're, you're exploring vulnerable. Sides of Mm-hmm. everyone in the space is, um, another place would be Lynda Cesara's work, and

Leah:

Mm-hmm.

trust | willow (unedited):

10 day, um, 10 day retreats on Maui that are, you know, wanna do a deep dive into your,

Leah:

Yeah.

trust | willow (unedited):

your Developmental, Go check that out. Um, so I think that. You know, not just community, like, oh, I, I go to Cureton and I see the same people, but more like okay, we're going through a, a

Leah:

process. Yeah.

trust | willow (unedited):

We're learning

Leah:

Yeah.

trust | willow (unedited):

about how to be better humans.

Leah:

an active growth process that asks you

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

get in touch with yourself emotionally. Here's some things that you could try, um,

trust | willow (unedited):

your

Leah:

to cultivate on your own. Yeah. One, one is to write a letter to the universe and

trust | willow (unedited):

love

Leah:

Yeah. Say, say more about this one Willow.

trust | willow (unedited):

So, um, you know, you can, you can turn this into anything that works for you, but what I like to do is I like to set a timer for 11 minutes and 11 seconds because 11, 11 is an angel number, and so it

Leah:

Okay.

trust | willow (unedited):

in this like angelic space and you just sit there and you feel What you feel. There's so much going on in our human want experience of, trying to figure it out, okay, I I want happy, I I want. safe, I wanna feel supported, I wanna feel like I can trust my partner. How am I gonna get there? How am I gonna figure out the way to that? And you know, the laws of quantum physics and manifestations say, stop Trying to figure out, You know, sit in the. Feeling of it. So when you sit and you write a and you're and you write to the universe, or you write to the, like I wanna feel, you know, you write to the feeling of safety or you write to the feeling of trust, dear trust, it feels so good to have you in my life when you are with me. I. move through the world in such a different way, and my eyes are more open to the possibilities that I wouldn't otherwise. See, and you just spend 11 minutes and 11 seconds writing to the thing that you wanna feel more of in your life.

Leah:

Yeah. That's a great, um, that's a great exercise to really imagine what it feels like in your body and then in the world, living your life if you lived in trust, what does that feel like and look like? Uh, how do you treat yourself and how do you treat others

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

and explore that?

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

along those lines, another thing to explore is. Using your felt sense being in your body and really asking yourself, what does it feel like when I'm trusting?

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

What are the sensations? What am I aware of? How, where am I relaxed? You know, what are the emotions that are easily felt? What do I have awareness to? What is my body feel like when I'm resting in trust? And then also, how do I know? When I am not trusting, how do I know when I shouldn't trust something? What are the signals that my body gives me? What are the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that hit me when something isn't right? And that comes back to really identifying for yourself. Where does your inner guidance come from? What are the signals? How does it communicate to you? And that could be very different from person to person. Some people hear messages, some people have a place in their body that, that gets, um, anxious, that has a sensation to it. And oftentimes, um, the sensations could be in different places, four different things. For instance, when I don't trust someone, I, it's like the hair on the back of my neck goes up.

trust | willow (unedited):

Oh, that's a

Leah:

Yeah. It's like things get tight. I, my eyebrows kind of come together and I can kind of look at the person or situation like, Hmm,

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah. I

Leah:

know that I believe what you're saying right now.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

think, I think you don't even believe what you're saying right now. You know, like there's an actual look that happens in my eyes and my eyebrows, um, and I can kind of feel a heckle, kind of my, my shoulders come up, I lean out instead of leaning in.

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm.

Leah:

And then when I'm not sure about trusting myself, um, my belly gets tight. I have a feeling of unease. I feel unsettled. And when I have that unsettled feeling, sometimes it takes me a while to understand why. Like, I just feel unsettled. I, I feel uneasy, and it's, I feel restless and it's not pleasant. Um, sometimes I could just be feeling anxious for no reason, but I know not to make any decisions when that sensation is there. And then coupled with that usually comes a cycle of thoughts that circle and circle and circle that look like self-doubt. I'm doubting myself. I'm doubting my confidence. I'm doubting my capability. I'm doubting my likability. I'm doubting that the universe is supporting me. You know, it's like, it's like one of those, you're, the critical mind is giving you all this proof why you suck. And that is often a sign that I am, I'm not relaxed and I'm coming from a place of distortion

trust | willow (unedited):

Yes. Triggers, old patterns, old conditioning. Gosh, you know, as you're talking so, So much. coming up for me.'cause I was just, um, in my women's thread, the women that I lead through the sex magic practices, um, and one of them is having a, a, a major huge, you know, transformation in, in romantic relationship. Like this is a huge, big deal for her. What's happening in her life right now. And she asked, she was. Sending little messages to our thread. And you know, she asked the question, how do you know when it's right? How do you know when it's right?

Leah:

Ooh, good one. Yeah.

trust | willow (unedited):

there's also this, like, there, you could We also have, same like nervousness and anxiousness when it is, you know, the right, And, and so it, it

Leah:

that's where it gets confusing and it, it's like, shit. Um, yeah. That's such an important inquiry question.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

really, really like that. Yeah.

trust | willow (unedited):

yeah, and so, you know, my, my reply to her was like, because she Also in the same, you know, sentence was like, but I just, I'm just doing it. I'm just doing it. And said there, it's gonna work out or it's But I can feel this old construct of fear. not, That's causing me this question, you know? Yeah. and, and I think what, what you're talking about is like there's something deeper inside of you and it's really gut level. Like if we look at the brains in the body, because we all know this is a brain, but we may not know that the heart has All kind neuro networks and neuro neuropathways and memory and emotion, and so does the gut. So the enteric brain, the gut brain is the. Primordial brain It's the original brain, and the one that like, that's why they say, trust your said to your Right gut? gut feeling. Yeah. And so, um, you know, You know, it be really helpful actually. to have. Co Like when you're, when you're in that distorted kind of place that you were just mentioning, it can be really helpful to have conversation between your head, your heart, and your gut. And there's a, a process called Multiple brain integration technique. This is where I got my coaching degree and that's. You know, really getting all three of these brains on the same playing field

Leah:

Mm.

trust | willow (unedited):

the same level. And then you find your nervous system in a state of coherence. You know, So the example with my, my, one of my ladies, my clients, she's like, you know, it's like her heart is telling her yes, but her gut is fucking scared, you know her head is reasoning through all these different things. So there maybe this like incoherence. Going on until she takes the time to sit down and, and either write it now or voice message it out, or have someone guide her through the multiple brain integration process where she can find a place where all three of her brains are like. is the right choice. It may not end the way you want it to. It It may be better than even could have imagined. have no idea and you're scared because of old conditioning and old experiences, so

Leah:

Beautiful

trust | willow (unedited):

could proceed forward with so much more, um, clarity around. this is the right thing,

Leah:

Brilliant.

trust | willow (unedited):

I

Leah:

here. I love that. And you know, because I think we confuse trust with fear.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yes.

Leah:

if I feel this negative emotion, it means I can't trust it. But oftentimes when we confuse that inappropriately, then we hold ourselves back from taking risks and taking chances because we don't know what the outcome is, is mysterious. We don't know we'll pass or if we fail. And a part of really knowing that you can trust yourself is knowing that even if I fail, even if I make a mistake, even if my heart gets broken, I will be okay.

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

And this is where fact finding can be very, very useful because you can go back and look at history and say, when that tragic thing happened, I thought I would fall apart, but I eventually was okay. And so,'cause sometimes our, our thoughts will just take us and create so much doubt and so much insecurity that we freeze and we and our lives get smaller instead of bigger. But if we can remind ourselves I'm still alive, because the ultimate fear is that we'll die that this thing will happen and we will die. I will die of this broken heart. I will die of this divorce. But the truth is.

trust | willow (unedited):

feel like you will dry in the moment.

Leah:

Yeah, I, you, I know you're totally convinced that you're any minute now, your heart's gonna stop. But the truth is, is it doesn't, you keep going

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

eventually you are okay. And we need to know that when we're in that moment of crisis and we're not sure we can get through our mom's funeral,

trust | willow (unedited):

Right.

Leah:

know?

trust | willow (unedited):

I, let's not

Leah:

Yeah. We,

trust | willow (unedited):

Um,

Leah:

okay, let's, I.

trust | willow (unedited):

talk a little bit about, like, let's say, um, partners have been together for a long time and you know, that there was a breach in trust there, there was a cheating or there was a, you know, betrayal at some point long ago, or potentially not that long ago. I've got a client right now who's in that situation where it was like it was years ago, years and years and years ago, and there's still this, um, you know,

Leah:

rupture.

trust | willow (unedited):

of like, yeah, how can I, how can I drop in? How can I trust this person? And So is there been a deep trust rupture like that term inside of a relationship, what are the practices that we would recommend for you all?

Leah:

Yeah, that is a great, um, yeah, let's go there. That's really useful.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah. One of the, one of the things that, um, we think could be really helpful is, um, creating trust jars. Now, it might sound kind of corny, but it can be also really fun and like you have a jar and you could make art of it, or it could just be a jar. It doesn't have to be artful, but you could make it more fun by putting something pretty on it. And every time your partner takes a small step toward rebuilding trust, you write that down and you put it in the jar. And this is just a physical reminder that you see regularly.'cause there's something about, you know, rewiring The neuro pathways in our bodies where when you see something physically, it reminds you, oh yeah, that's the feeling. That's how I wanna feel. Oh yeah, they did that little thing yesterday. And that really felt trustworthy to me. So then you're looking at that jar every time you're in the bathroom or the. kitchen or wherever or in the bedroom, and you're reminded that they are working their way Back into vulnerable place in your heart. And sometimes you might write something down that they did not. They weren't trying. be trustworthy just for you. It hit you in a way where it. Like, oh, I can trust them again deeper and more because of that action that they took.

Leah:

And the reason why that is so effective is because our brain is wired to see the negative. It's, it's all connected to our survival early, early, early in the beginning of time for humans. So it takes I think four positive things to happen to knock out one negative thought. So that's a lot of positive shit that has to happen all day long because we are hardwired to focus on the negative, to focus on what's not working, to focus on what we can't trust, instead of programming ourselves to look for the proof, fact finding again of what we can trust of being able to see our partner trying. So this is a physical exercise that can help you get in the habit of really noticing and changing your perspective and, and finding little wins for both of you. This can really help restore things at a micro level that ends up leading to big moves. Um, here's another exercise, and this is really good for, um, recovering. Um, when you need to do some communication and if you want your communication to be more effective, because oftentimes what happens, we start telling our partner what they're doing wrong and why we can't trust them, and then they get defensive and nothing actually gets resolved. So we often need to have some structure so that our repair conversations are more useful. I really encourage people like, make your fights count. Make every fight turn into a win.'cause if you're gonna go through it, let's get to the other side. Yeah. So first thing you have to establish are some ground rules. One is no interrupting, no crosstalk. Let your partner get through what they're trying to convey, and no problem solving yet, you know, unless it's requested. Just allow them to empty their bucket. And then there's an agreement that when it's time to respond, you really practice responding with curiosity rather than defensiveness. Okay? So I want you to keep that in mind. Now, here are the four questions. Okay. Person one goes and they're upset, and so they try to as factually as possible, say when blank happened, when this thing happened. And then you talk about the impact, the emotional impact I felt, and then explore the emotions. The next one is the story I told myself about what happened and what I felt. You're sharing your personal interpretation. That is the part that may or may not be factual. That's okay. That the story I told myself as a result of those feelings and what happened is the last question or last statement is what would help me feel more secure? That is making a request. What would help me feel more secure is a hug, is understanding, is compassion, is trying something different next time, so on and so forth. And then as the receiver of that information, ask some curious questions. If you need more information, reflect back to them what you heard. Make sure you got their story right.

trust | willow (unedited):

I love that. think that could be an absolute game changer for so many relationships. Even if you're not dealing with trust issues, you could still like deepen so much into your, into your intimacy with a practice like that. So no matter who you are, where you're at, implement that shit. Even if you're not in an intimate relationship, just do it with a friend. Just see what happens. Start practicing when you're in a good space.

Leah:

I think another thing that established,'cause there's so many couples that love each other and they're committed, but they're no longer sexual.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

Like, it just, it just, there's too many things that have happened. They'd like to turn towards each other, but sex would be a disaster at this stage in the game because of disruptions of trust. And so the first step for a lot of them is to first rebuild physical trust with non-sexual touch exercises. Um, so what's your advice, Willow on non-sexual touch to help restore trust.

trust | willow (unedited):

Well, hugs from behind are so great, like bear hug, you know, and, and leaning into each other. Um, I often will give this, um, fun tantric, well, it's more of a taoist practice, but whatever. Same, same. Where I have couples sit back to back and just breathe into each other's adrenal glands. I

Leah:

love that. Is that the turtle meditation? I love that one.

trust | willow (unedited):

breathing and it just like, it just makes everything fade away and you're just, your nervous systems start to like find a cohesive place

Leah:

Mm-hmm. You feel supported when you're back to back.

trust | willow (unedited):

it.

Leah:

Yeah.

trust | willow (unedited):

It feels so good. And it's like it's nobody's job to hold the other one up, you know? So there's just this real sweet thing that happens, and I use that all the time with you know, a, a new client who walks in and it's just a great way to, um, build an immediate nervous system safety rapport. So doing that practice can be so powerful. Um, you know, and it, it's non-sexual, it's great. And then of course, I think just like, um, you know, petting and stroking, what,

Leah:

What do you

trust | willow (unedited):

it? Havening,

Leah:

Havening?

trust | willow (unedited):

havening is something you

Leah:

Yeah. Well, no havening you can do for someone else, but it's a very sp specific technique.

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

it's simple to learn. I encourage people to look it up. It really does help with the delta waves. But along that same line, I also think, um caressing the face

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

an interesting process. First, wash your hands and then allow, and then you're just gently caressing the contours of your partner's face. And for the person who's receiving the caress, challenge yourself to have your eyes open. As much as you can. If it gets a little intense, close your eyes for a little bit, but then come back and bring them back open and use your fingertips to cress the face. Use the back of the hand to cress the face. Really explore all the contours. It's such an intimate and gentle, sweet restorative practice. It kind of reminds us of being young like a little baby,

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

it feels it's an exercise of cherishment.

trust | willow (unedited):

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

Of having someone's undivided attention, and we're so hungry for that.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah.

Leah:

can do that for your friends too. It's just like, I call it baby your lady. You know? Sometimes your girl just is coming on over and she's in distress. And if she'll let you just like, here, let me just give you a caress, a loving

trust | willow (unedited):

her.

Leah:

caress to your sweet face, your little angel.

trust | willow (unedited):

I

Leah:

Um.

trust | willow (unedited):

You know, for some reason that makes me think of the pause in pre and perinatal psychology. We were talking about this on an episode the other day. Um, there's, there's seven steps to like rebuilding, um, or deepening connection with other. And, um, it relates to all relationships, whether it's your children or your partner, your lover, whatever. Um, but one of the really important ones is pause. And so sometimes when we're in this process of rebuilding trust and coming back to a place or possibly to a place for the first time inside of ourselves where we. our. to our own truth without a shadow of it out, without a apology, without explanation. We're just, this is what my truth is straight up. It can require us to pause long enough, and I don't know about y'all, but I've got, I've come from, you know, a, a matriarchal line where they just didn't do that at all. They just were much more of the martyring, well, I'll just do

Leah:

Mm.

trust | willow (unedited):

everybody wants me to do it. I'll just do it'cause it's expected of me. I'll do it'cause it'll make everyone happy. And that is not orienting to your own truth. And so I'm constantly trying to guide my matriarchal line toward like, well, what about your needs and desires and what you want? and I'll encourage them to just pause and sit and listen, you know, deeply within, like what, what would feel best to you? Like what would give you the most pleasure?

Leah:

Um, yes, and I think, I mean, there's lots of little things that you can do. Everything from like hand massages can be a safe starting point because you can, um, give feedback in a less high risk sort of situation than if someone was like massaging your genitals and you feel like you're directing traffic and it kind of turns into a disaster. Um, but having. Taking turns, getting hand massages from each other where you can communicate the nuances of lighter. Or deeper or slower or faster, you know, or the parts of your hands.'cause your hands are actually very sensitive. Wherever there's a flexible joint, there's extra nerve endings. And so we have so many flexible joints in our hands and, and touch feels good. It feels good to be the toucher and it feels good to be the touchy and we shrivel without touch human beings. So just having your partner give you a gentle hand massage where you're both really paying attention about what feels good, and then finding ways nonverbally sometimes like through sound and breath to communicate. A, a nonverbal giving nonverbal cues is a great way to get better at being able to trust yourself as a toucher. You're looking at your partner's system and going, are they opening? Are they closing? Is their face scrunching up? What are their nonverbal cues? Are letting me know they're closing. What are their nonverbal cues in their body that are letting me know, Ooh, they like this. Because not everyone's been taught attunement. So being able to add a little bit of a distance without a high risk. Um, start with the feet. Start with the hands.

trust | willow (unedited):

Yeah, absolutely. let's see. Is there anything else that we wanna make sure that we give our

Leah:

Let's see.

trust | willow (unedited):

before. We wrap up with this such an important topic in episode. I think one thing I wanna, you know, leave you all with is just what, what is it inside of you that lets you know that you're orienting to your own truth? Like what's the indicator for you Leah shared for her, it's that hair standing up at the back of her neck. You know, she can feel like, Ooh, that's a no. You know? And I imagine she has a different indicator when she feels a yes. But I would love to hear from all of you in the comments. It's really good to write it out

Leah:

Yeah.

trust | willow (unedited):

spell it out for you, not only for yourself, but for others too. Because they might be like, I don't know what it is for me. But then you write something and they're like, oh yeah, that does work for me too. So it's really good to know this about yourself. What are the indicators that let you know you're orienting to your own truth? To a point that you can trust yourself in any situation.

Leah:

Yeah, and I would just close with these two thoughts, um, that trust. Here's the paradox of trust. Okay? The more you surrender, the more you let go, the more you're open to allowing the trustee, the trustworthiness of others, especially when it comes to sex. The more you can surrender and let go, the more gifts come to you. And there's something about learning how to trust in surrendering. That the truth is you don't have control of jack shit. It's all an illusion anyways. And so when you can learn to be a lover of reality. You actually find yourself in less constriction and in less betrayal of the holy trust, you can just relax into, I trust that shit's gonna happen and it's gonna be hard, and I trust that I will be okay. So really think about where in your life are you gripping too tightly. Allow yourself actually, physically to unwind that part of your system that is gripping and, and practice softening. Because when we soften, that's where the door to trust will open. So play with that. Amen, sister. Mm-hmm.

trust | willow (unedited):

All right.

Leah:

All right. Have an amazing day, morning, evening. Love, love, love.

trust | willow (unedited):

love.

Announcer:

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and positive psychology facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine doctor and Taoist Techology teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget your comments, likes subscribes, and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Dr. Willow Brown

Host
Head Shot

Leah Piper

Host