Leah & Dr. Willow: The Words That Make Her Wet - Why Your Sexual Language Matters More Than You Think | #132

Ever wondered what words light up your partner's desire? In this episode, Leah & Dr. Willow get real about verbal turn-ons that transform intimate moments. They are diving into what women want to hear both inside & outside the bedroom. They're sharing personal preferences while acknowledging everyone's different. Dr Willow says, "What opens you versus what closes you—that's the most important thing", because what turns on one woman might completely shut down another. They emphasize the importance of curiosity, experimentation, and open communication in discovering what words create the most powerful, arousing, & erotic experiences.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS:

• Sexual Accelerators vs. Brakes: Discover what ignites desire versus what puts the brakes on arousal
• Taking Back Our Words: How reclaiming terms like "pussy" can be empowering
• The Power of Possession: Why phrases like "your body is mine" can create intense arousal (even for the most empowered women!)
• Beyond Words: How physical expressions of desire (like proper hair pulling and neck holding) complement verbal communication
• Body Affirmation Magic: The transformative power of "word baths" that celebrate every inch of your body

EPISODE LINKS

• Erotic Blueprint Quiz
• Instagram | Sterling Cooper  
• SxR Episode #125 | Dr. Anne Tourng
• SxR Episode #20 | Dirty Talk for Beginners 
• Book | The Voice, The Vulva, and The Vagus Nerve by Debs de Vries
• Book | The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine  
• Book | The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine 

Free Tantra Happy Hour on Zoom | Oct 2nd @ 4:30 pm Pacific / 7:30 pm Eastern
Join Leah & Willow as we pull back the curtain on Sacred Spot Massage and twenty years of watching this practice transform couples from the inside out. Grab your spot at sexreimagined.com/events.

Peak Erotic Experiences | Live Masterclass | Oct 28, 2026 @ 4pm Pacific. Your hottest moments were never random, they're built from four hidden forces researcher Jack Morin identified in his work on peak erotic experiences. Join Leah live on October 1st to find your own pattern and learn how to build more of it on purpose. Register for $33 HERE 

The Couples Sacred Spot Retreat | Santa Barbara, Nov 6-8
We are bringing our most intimate couples workshop to California. Over three days, you will learn Sacred Spot Massage, Erotic Attunement, sensual touch as a somatic practice, and the ritual skills that change the way partners meet each other in the body. Ten couple spots only. Register Here

A New Tantra Exploration, Live in Santa Barbara Leah & Willow are hosting a live 90 minute intro night called A New Tantra Exploration, tracing this ancient practice back to where it began, breath, touch, & all. Fully clothed, beginner friendly, open to solos and couples. November 6, 2026 and January 29, 2027. Grab your seat at $25 early bird / $35 at the door | 90 min https://www.sexreimagined.com/events

Transcript

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Announcer 0:55

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.

Leah 1:05

Okay, hey, hey. Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast. Hey, this is your girl, Leah, and your girl, Dr. Willow.

Welcome to the "What Women Want to Hear During Sex" Episode

Willow 1:20

Hi everyone, I'm so excited to be here, uh, we're feeling a little frisky already because we have a really fun topic for you today, all about what women want to hear during sex. What do women really want to hear when they are, um, in the throes of ecstasy?

Leah 1:39

Yeah. I mean, we can really take this both. What do women want to hear both inside the bedroom and outside the bedroom? Because there's some real, uh,

Willow 1:47

of different things.

Leah 1:48

but sometimes they're the same, you know?

Willow 1:51

the same, yeah.

Leah 1:52

Yeah, and also just to acknowledge, we are two women, we are not every woman, so you may disagree with us. And we want to hear about it, like we, we really want you to share with us. If we are not representing the things that you like to hear, please enlighten us. Let's broaden this conversation. Let's have this conversation together. Today it's just Willow and I chit chatting, but you joining us is a thrill. And it helps us broaden our awareness.

Willow 2:23

Yeah. Exactly.

Leah 2:24

on the keyboard and type in the comments, people. Um, and we'll do a follow

Exploring Female Desires and Feminist Perspectives

Leah 2:29

up to this show. So what do we want to hear? I'll tell you some of the favorite things I like to hear.

Willow 2:35

Let's start there.

Leah 2:36

Okay. I, and I, and I realize not every woman is going to be attracted to this. Um, and that is, Ooh, you are such a good girl. Good girl.

Willow 2:44

Mm.

Leah 2:45

girl. I know. I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised that doesn't work for you.

Willow 2:52

I know.

Leah 2:53

But I want to be told I'm a good girl. And I realize that like a lot of feminists out there would be like, I'm not a girl. I'm a woman. And like, I can be all of it. So, um, there is something that is erotically opens at getting sort of that, that approval that the younger psyche in me will crave.

Willow 3:10

Hmm. Mm hmm. I could see that. What is that movie, uh, the new movie? Oh, Baby Girl. Baby girl. Yeah. And in that movie, I haven't seen it yet, but doesn't, isn't it sort of geared

Leah 3:23

uses the phrase, um, you're my baby girl, or something like that. And I like that too. I've got a girlfriend who started calling all of us baby girl. I'm like, she doesn't probably realize that there's a lot of, like, erotic charge there, but I like hearing it from her too.

Willow 3:38

yeah, yeah. Well, I

Leah 3:39

answers the phone, hey baby girl.

Willow 3:41

Yeah, I know. I have girlfriends who do that too. I like that. That's sweet. But I do. Here's what's interesting for me. Even, my whole life growing up when people were like, hey girl, you know, anybody, men, women, doesn't matter. I just find it. I've always found it condescending. I don't know why. Maybe something in my upbringing. I'm not sure. But, um, I don't know. Yeah. I'm not a fan. I've told guys that I've dated before. I'm like, don't call me girl.

Leah 4:12

Yeah.

Sexual Accelerators vs. Brakes: What Drives Arousal

Willow 4:13

So this is one of the most important things I wanted to share on this episode is like knowing what works for you, what opens you versus what closes you. That's the most important thing. And then being able to communicate it in a loving way, because what works for one woman really may not work for another. And so,

Leah 4:29

And I have to say, like, this comes back to like, green light, red light, or, um, putting on the brakes. Like, what makes you put the brakes on your sexual arousal versus what makes you want to press the accelerator? When someone says, you know, you're my sweet baby girl, or, um, such a good girl, or such a good naughty girl. Ooh, such a slutty girl. All those things, like, as long as there's girl in there, I'm probably gonna like it. It's probably gonna make me press the accelerator. What is not helpful is when all someone says is what they don't want. But they don't follow up with what would press the accelerator for them, and that is the uninvestigated inquiry that we all need to get better at because it's so much more helpful to know what opens you versus only what closes you. And I think we're in a habit, I think women in general are in a habit of really just talking about their breaks. And not talking about their accelerators. And that's because they've never been given permission to discover their accelerators. It's not because women are just assholes and they want you to guess and read their mind.

Willow 5:36

I think it's also because women are embarrassed about their accelerators. Like, yes, they haven't had the chance to explore, and if they have, they're like, oh, that's kinky, or that's weird, or that's bad, or that's shameful in some way, that's too sexual, that means I'm not a good mom, or that means I'm not a good wife, or that means it

Leah 5:56

Or I'm not a good feminist.

Willow 5:58

Yes,

Leah 5:59

know, like, if I get turned on and my pussy gets wet because someone says girl to me, that feels very shameful because as someone who's supposed to be liberated, you know, it's like suddenly that goes against what maybe other women would approve of.

Willow 6:16

Yeah, you know, I don't with my thing with girl just personally I don't really I don't have like a feminist thing around it like that doesn't that

Leah 6:26

that resonate.

Willow 6:27

For me. No. I don't I don't know what it is But it's just a thing another thing that I really have not appreciated is when people tell me to smile, like smile, you know I think this is the reason is because when I was a kid I've always been sort of a kind of like more subdued, like kind of a watcher. Like sitting back in the background, kind of more shy as a kid. And I think my shyness was made to be wrong. Like, why are you so shy? What's wrong with you? You know? And, and then this, this whole thing of like, smile. I'm like, you fucking smile.

Leah 7:01

Yeah.

Willow 7:02

Don't tell me to smile, you know, smile if I want to. So there's, I think there's also, there's a, feline quality to the feminine and, um, you know, if you think about like a cat, like a cat is like, I'll do what I want to do when I want to do it. And not because somebody is like, make, it's not like a dog, like, come on over here, you know, less on demand. So I don't know. Those are my thoughts

Leah 7:24

on that. Another word I really like is goddess. You know, like when, when I, now I, I know I used to really like being called goddess outside the bedroom too. I don't anymore.

Willow 7:35

Oh,

Leah 7:35

I find that actually annoying. I, I think it's because like in my early Tantra years, Goddess was so, it was all about the Goddess, all about the Goddess, all about the Goddess, all about the Goddess. And I felt like I had to keep on representing the Goddess because I was in the front of the room and then I, you know, when I started to do some deeper personal growth work, I got some feedback that people felt like I was always holding up the archetype of the goddess they couldn't get to know me. And so it created a disruption of trust. Well, who is she really? And here I thought I was like fuck I'm finally doing it right. I have to be the goddess all the time I have to represent this body of work and in the seminar room and outside the seminar room and then the horror of people feeling they couldn't trust me and the idea of someone not being able to trust me was so destabilizing because I prided myself on being trustworthy. Like that's who I saw myself in the world. And so when that got in the way suddenly that disrupted the archetype of the goddess for me. Now I still love playing with the archetype of the goddess but I now know to take that archetype off. And I started to suddenly not, actually, have as much reverence for the goddess archetype after that whole experience. After I processed that whole experience, I kind of felt like, oh god, this gagged me with a spoon in the fucking goddess already. Um, and I was watching, I was watching myself and other women as they were becoming initiated into this whole goddess thing take the word goddess's name in vain. Being like I have a right to treat other people like shit because I'm in the name of the goddess and I'm going to slay that motherfucking ego right now. And then that started to disturb me and then I had to put other students in check when I saw them emasculating men or doing a lot of cancel culture energy in the name of the goddess and I was like oh fuck the goddess at this point. Um, But I have to say where it still lights me up and, and turns up the fire is if I am naked and someone is worshiping my body as the body of the goddess. When someone's just like, oh my god, you're the fucking goddess right now. You know, when they're so filled with desire and passion and they're so filled in their reverence for this female sexuality that is expressing itself through me and it feels sacred and divine, like, oh my god, all day long please. Um. But I still want to be called a dirty little slut. I want to be the goddess and I want to be a dirty little slut.

Willow 9:58

You can be the profane and the, the sacred. You can have it all. You can have it all. And I think, you know, this is one thing that comes up for me around like languaging for all different kinds of women is really understanding, like, for you, you have such an interesting relationship with the goddess based on being a Tantra teacher for 20 plus years, you know, so that's going to be a really different kind of experience than so many others. And, um, so I think taking into account a woman's relationship with her own femininity with the goddess, um, and also what kind of, what's her erotic, uh, blueprint. You know, if somebody's more of a kinkster or a sexual on the blueprint, they're gonna wanna be called a, a dirty little slut and a whore, and you know, get off on that and God bless. And others are gonna be more wanting to be called the goddess, you know? So that's a really, um, a really important I think, thing to, to uncover when understanding someone's language. And then, you know, there are people who run all the full spectrum like myself. I mean that again, there are words that don't work for me and some and some that really do. But, um, I can, I can kind of go from the really highly sexual place to, um, I think I may be a little bit more timid in the kink realm. Like I've done some play with, you know, daddy, little girl, that kind of language. And I haven't like dove in fully into that. I'm like, okay, you know, there's some eros there for sure. But it's, I'm a little bit less inclined in that direction at this point in my journey with, um, languaging specifically. But, um, but yeah, I remember when I, when I kind of got into like more dirty talk, you know, like fucking and all of that kind of stuff, like cock and pussy and all that. Yeah. And, um, and it was, it was like my, my sexuality on the blueprint, like lit up, you know, of course I've always had the energetic and

Decoding the Five Erotic Blueprints

Willow 12:05

the sensual,

Leah 12:06

Well, why don't you say something more about the erotic blueprints? Because there's some people who might be hearing our show for the first time who've never even heard about what you're talking about.

Willow 12:12

yeah. So the erotic blueprint was created by Jaiya and, um, it is basically five sort of types of sexuality that you have a propensity toward or that you lean toward. And usually you have one that's more primary, maybe a secondary, um, but you can develop all of them over time. And so, um, the, they start, they're kind of, kind of, Go in some kind of order, not necessarily. But the energetic is, you know, somebody who you could just like blow on their skin or just look at them in the right way, or just like put a feather to their neck and they'd get really aroused and really turned on. Um, that's always been me. Like I've been able to like, just open my, my legs to the moon and like, you know, stuff like that. Start to bring moon energy in and oh my God, I'm turned on. So arrows can come from all different sort of energetic places when you run that energetic blueprint. And then, um, there's the sensual and these, the sensualists really love, um, smell and taste and touch. They want all of their senses delighted and they just love to revel and. In the, yeah, in the good, yummy, deliciousness of it all. And, um, then there's the sexual, which is kind of what we would think of more. That's what we've all been taught around sexuality or seen in pornography, taught, you know, and, um, The, and so

Leah 13:42

all about

Willow 13:43

cock, pussy, penetration, fucking yeah. And, uh, dirty talk, all that kind of stuff like throwing, manhandling, throwing you around, all of that. And then, um, sexuality. So there's, so again, energetic, um, sensual, sexual, and then we move on to kink, which is, has a few different realms within it. So there's. Kink like physical kink, like I want to be tied up and spanked and ball gagged and blindfolded. And then there's more, um, like psychological kink, like I've got this thing inside of me, this shadow inside of me that I'm aware of, and I want to bring it to the surface. So let's do a scene around that, where that, that old trigger and that wound kind of gets pushed psychologically and you get to kind of act that out through sexuality, which I think is Profoundly, profoundly healing, actually. And then, and then there's the shape shifter, the one who can really play in all the realms. And, um, it's fun to play in all the realms. It's fun to have a little bit of this and a little bit of that. And it really just, it requires exploring and finding what works for you, you know?

Leah 14:56

Yeah, so think of like the erotic blueprint as being the love languages of the bedroom, the love languages of sexuality. And when you dive deeper into them, you have an experience of both like the shadow side and the light side, things that can make those particular archetypes problematic. And ways with which they blossom and are a beautiful aspect of sexual expression. Um, and the whole point of the erotic blueprints, uh, is basically to discover maybe what you lean towards, your, your, what preferences you have, but then to go beyond that and really discover The other blueprints, and during my journey of it, two things have happened. One is I've become less judgmental of the blueprints that I previously judged over my preferences, and two, discovered, like, their magic and their artistry, and then you truly become more of the shapeshifter, which loves all of it, um. So anyways, you should check that out. We'll put the link in the show notes if you want to take the quiz. I think it's 20 bucks or something. You get a printout of your percentages. Uh, and if you email support@sexreimagined.Com

Reclaiming Power Through Sexual Language

Leah 17:20

I will send you a cheat sheet of the erotic blueprints. We have a PDF and a little handout and, uh, it's very, it's much more thorough than some of the other resources you could find out there. So, uh, send a request. Give me that blueprint. Cheat sheet, Leah! Leah! Support at www. sexforimagination.

Willow 17:35

hmm. Yeah. So back to language in the bedroom. So coming from that more, um, you know, having the natural propensity toward the energetic and the sensual, I've always been a fan of words like the goddess and yoni, you know, these more, um, Tantric words, lingam. Um, I, but then, you know, as this. sexual blueprint came online more. I was like, Oh, I love pussy. I love cock. I love fucking like, I love all that language as well. Um, recently we were, Leah sent me a little clip with this guy. Do you remember his name?

Leah 18:09

I'll, uh, while you're explaining your reaction to it, I'll look it up.

Willow 18:13

Okay, so, um, this guy on YouTube and he's like talking about how every time, every single time he has ever had sex with a woman or made love to a woman, he says, whenever he says, your pussy is mine, she gets lit up, her eyes roll back in her head, she loves it. He's like, I've never said that when I'm fucking a woman and not had her completely love it. So anyway, so I was trying that, I was trying it on for size the other night.

Leah 18:44

hold on. His name, his name on Instagram is Sterling Guides. He has got a number of different Instagram accounts. He's, I think, a former porn star. He's fucking amazing. He gives great advice. I love

Willow 18:58

got to have him on the

Leah 18:59

I would love to have him

Willow 19:00

Let's try to get him

Leah 19:01

is such a baller.

Willow 19:03

Okay,

Leah 19:03

So anyway, say, say the other night you were trying it on and what

Willow 19:06

happened? Oh yeah, I was trying it on. I was doing a sex magic practice just with myself. Four hours I clocked by myself making love to the divine within me. It was pretty rad. And um, And I was like, Oh, let's think about that. You know, cause of course, remember everyone, the most important sexual organ in your body is right between your ears. So your brain, your mind. So turning that on and, and I was like, Oh yeah, I've definitely had men say that to me. And yes, it, it is hot and it is a turn on. And so as I was in the throes of my own eroticism, thinking about it turned me on more. It was great.

Leah 19:40

So what did you say in your head to yourself?

Willow 19:42

I just imagined my, you know, future life partner.

Leah 19:46

I was wondering if you were claiming your pussy for yourself, like you're mine.

Willow 19:51

Ah, I'ma try that tonight.

Leah 19:53

Okay. Okay. I really love that. I mean, even if you switched it up to say your yoni is mine.

Willow 19:59

Yeah, your yoni is

Leah 20:00

for those of you who don't like the word pussy, I totally understand. For years, I hated the word

Willow 20:06

Oh, you did?

Leah 20:07

I did. And I still stand behind this is that I felt like boys and men would use this as a derogatory term towards each other. You're for, you're a fucking pussy, you know, as if, as if implying that that man or boy is a weak, and I'm like, there is nothing stronger than a pussy. So you do not get to use that term to humiliate someone. That is some bullshit, because it totally misrepresents the magnificence of the pussy, you motherfucker. It just riles me right up. I get, I get pissed just thinking about it. Um, so, but I, and I love that women have had a reclamation with the word pussy, and are starting to own it, and, and so for me, it's like I can say pussy now, because I'm taking it back from idiots who think it's okay to use it as a curse word. To me, it should be a word of reverence.

Willow 20:57

you know, interestingly enough, another word that's been used really derogatorily for women's genitalia is the word cunt

Leah 21:04

Love the word cunt. I think we should take that one back too.

Willow 21:07

we really need to retake that one back because what it's an old English word and it actually means birth canal. That's what cunt means. And people have cunt. Maybe,

Leah 21:18

wait, can we fact check somebody?

Willow 21:21

it doesn't matter. It means birth canal

Leah 21:23

Yeah. Yeah.

Willow 21:24

and, um, and so to bastardize that word, you know, and to make it into something bad is, um,

Leah 21:33

Silly.

Willow 21:33

so ridiculous. Because we all come from the birth canal. It's the portal of life. Hello, people.

Leah 21:38

I have, I really do love that word. We have a mutual friend who really hates that word.

Willow 21:45

Oh, do we

Leah 21:46

I called her a little cunt the other day.

Willow 21:49

And she did not

Leah 21:50

No, she, no, she laughed. She laughed. She enjoyed, she, but she made it clear like I really don't like the word. I'm like, I'm sorry. You lose your word. And so then I just kept on calling her cunt for the rest of the phone call.

Willow 21:58

Oh, hilarious. That's so

Leah 22:00

Yeah. So she takes a lot of shit from

Willow 22:02

but here's the thing. I've never really had cunt used, like, in the throes of an erotic moment, have you?

Leah 22:10

I've read it and masturbated to it, but I don't know that anyone's ever had the guts to like bring it to the table. Here's what I want this episode. I want people to have more guts around what they say in the bedroom, and you get dirty

Why Possessive Words Create Arousal in the Bedroom

Leah 22:24

and naughty and tell me how much you love my cunt. Tell me how much you're gonna own my. Fuckin pussy. I want you to be possessive. Now, I don't want you to be possessive outside the bedroom. That's a very

Willow 22:36

clarify.

Leah 22:37

but I want you to be really possessive in the bedroom.

Willow 22:40

Yeah, well, and I

Leah 22:41

feel claimed. I want to be Chosen. That is a hard wire in the psyche of most people, but women especially due to so much of our conditioning going back thousands of years. There is a, they, we want to be chosen. We want to be claimed. We want you to sweep us up and own us in very specific sectors of our life. We, I don't want that all over the place. There's some people who do, but that's, they're very few and far between.

Willow 23:10

Mm hmm.

Leah 23:12

So we need to, like, know where are we allowed to play with those edges of possession, and that's why I think this Instagrammer is really speaking to the psyche and the hearts of a lot of women in the bedroom who want you to own them, take them, ravish them, and those sentences is really important. That it started, it's hitting that mark.

Willow 23:36

yeah, I mean, especially when you're in a more vulnerable, open, naked, you know, connected to the divine kind of state where you're really like you're, you're, you're high on your arousal scale and you're just really feeling like so connected to, to, Feel chosen in that moment with words, with actions. Um, and you know, this is something I've been working with men on quite a bit lately is, um, their impulse. They're afraid of their impulse to, to take. And, You know, and so it's like, and so then they hesitate. Is this okay? Is that okay? And how annoying is it if a guy is like, uh, can I kiss you? Is it okay if I touch you? And I'm like, you got to stop doing that.

Leah 24:23

Yeah, stop asking permission

Willow 24:24

for every thing. Bring your confidence forward and just, you know, Follow your impulse and of course, you know when I'm working with them with them professionally There's always a bound a professional boundary, which is different. But still there's a way that I think all of us could could be more in our solar plexus more in our confidence more in our in fact I'm doing this whole movement thing right now, which is really all about ownership of this upper part of your body, like chest and throat and, and solar plexus. And like, you are not only worthy of this life, but like you have the, um, the ability to take what you want from life. There's so much abundance in this world and we can really reach out and take it for ourselves. And it's hot. It's a turn on when somebody, a woman or a man, comes at you with confidence and they start flirting with you. I mean, they're, they're taking what they want from you. They're taking your energy. They're taking your attention. They're, they've got you engaged. They're enjoying your laughter and the light in your eyes. So they are, you know, playing with that, um, that energy of taking and receiving. That's something too, that I think we should really, um, break down and do a course on Leah is flirting, you know, cause that's been coming up to people like, I don't get it. I don't know how, dah, dah, dah, dah. And it's a dance of energy. And I think the same thing is true when you're having, when you're in this, In the throes of sex, like it's a dance of energy and a reading somebody like, where are they at on the arousal scale? What kind of language do they want at that point versus at the very beginning of their arousal journey?

Leah 26:09

Yeah, you know It's it's great when it is in sync and it is on and you are speaking to each other's bodies and your bodies are like in the circuit and dancing. It's tricky when you don't have skill in this area, when your desire is like uncontained, and then that feels icky to someone. When you're taking energy, it's like there's a place where it's hot and it works. And then there's a place

Willow 26:34

Where it's too

Leah 26:35

not work. And that really kind of comes back to containment. It's like you being in your desire, allowing your desire and your lust and your sexual energy to be so like alive in you, but it's also contained. It's not like leaking all over the place in unconsciousness where you're not observing is my energy opening someone or are they shifting and pulling away and pivoting and, you know, flinching from

Willow 27:02

is where attunement really comes in very strong. Like being able to attune to someone else's energy and read them. And I

Building Confidence Through Sexual Attunement

Willow 27:10

think maybe that's, you know, what, where the, the sort of lack of confidence is in men is like, there's never been any one on one on how to attune to a woman, like how to read what's going on for her. Is she opening? Is she closing? And, you know, I've been with, um, men who are amazing at attuning to women and, and have told me like. that I'm hard to read. And I don't think I'm hard to read at all. So, you know,

Leah 27:34

Well, if you've heard it more than once, you might want to think about maybe you are.

Willow 27:38

Only once. Only heard it once.

Leah 27:40

all right, I haven't heard it, okay, I was gonna say, that just sounds like denial, but only once and you can only take it so far. That's only one person's experience.

Willow 27:50

yeah. And, and, and he, you know, he's very adept at attuning to women. However, especially in the bedroom. Um, however, yeah, I

Leah 27:59

But a lot of women are hard to read,

Willow 28:01

a lot of women are hard to read.

Leah 28:02

taking the spotlight off of you and saying, you know, there are a lot of women who aren't expressive. Who don't make sounds, who aren't, like, connected to their bodies so that they're actually showing body language cues, you know, they're, and, and I think that's actually something most women aren't good at, and when we're used to being pleasing, sometimes that stops us from being ourselves, and allowing ourselves to be from our head, trying to predict what somebody wants from us. And instead dropping into our body where that natural expression is easy to read. And when you're connected to your breath and you allow yourself to be in your body and to move your system, that's what makes a great lover. And many of us have never been taught to be a good lover. We've just been taught to try to be pleasing.

Reading Your Partner's Energy and Responses

Leah 30:34

And then we're just in our heads.

Willow 30:35

Yeah. We're trying to move the right way, and sound the right way, and say the right

Leah 30:39

or we're just like a biology frog and we're not doing a damn thing. We're somewhere else. We're not even in the room, you know. It's tricky, but it's not. But here's the thing. It feels tricky at first when you don't feel competent at something. And so here's another thing that I have a lot of compassion for is a lot of guys whose sexual energy is so overwhelming to their system. Like once they start feeling those sexy feelings, it's all over the place because that's all the, it's all the capacity that they've trained their attention for.

Willow 31:08

Mm hmm.

Leah 31:08

is just being in the overwhelm of their sensations that are experiencing, which makes them oblivious to what else is happening in the room. And I think that's where a lot of women feel like how much men are unconscious with their sexual energy, because they're more consumed with what they're feeling inside themselves than also being with the person that they're with. And so this is why, like, Learning to be a good lover is worth your time. It's worth your investment. It's worth you exploring and reading and listening and trying to improve your skills. We're not born great lovers.

Willow 31:40

And it bleeds out into other areas of your life, because attunement isn't just about being able to read someone else. It's about how, reading yourself too, so, you know, knowing, like, knowing in the moment like, wow, this is opening me to give this flirt to this person and I can see that it's opening them. Okay, that's attunement, yeah, let me give more. Okay, now I went a little bit too far with my sexuality inside of my flirt and I can see that it closes her, okay, I'm attuning, okay, let me recalibrate and adjust. So that I can give the right amount of flirt to this person that opens them. And it's the same thing inside of sexuality. And so again, like, you know, it all comes back to us and what you're saying, like it's so worthy to, to study and to understand and to practice. Even practice with professionals so that you can get the little nuggets that you need to move you along in your journey around what good sex is for you.

Leah 32:43

Yeah. I think too, like what can, what do men want to hear in the bedroom? I think a lot of men are hungry to also be told how beautiful their body is. How, how irresistible their cock is. How you can't wait to feel them. How you can't wait to feel them in

The Transformative Impact of Verbal Affirmations

Leah 32:59

your mouth. How you can't wait to feel them wherever you want them to penetrate you. How it feels to be touched by them. How like, how gorgeous you think they are, how safe you feel in their arms, your favorite spot to like snuggle up into. I mean, who doesn't love the nook, the nook of a man's arms? It's like right there between like that chest and the armpit where you just feel like you fit like a puzzle piece. You know, being able to be demonstrative with your words of like, how strong they feel, how protected that you feel. Um, How big they feel, you know, how, even if they're not a huge guy, and you have to be careful when you talk about cock size, because men also don't want to be lied to, but they also want to feel themselves. And it's always amazing to me how much men think about cock size, where my experience is that women think very little about cock size Now, there are women who prefer bigger cocks. That's because they love the feeling of fullness. Then there's some of us who do not prefer bigger cocks. I like to feel the space around a penis. I don't like to feel numbed out by a penis. So I don't like giant, giant cocks personally. So we all have, like, the perfect size that makes our body sing, so there's no wrong size. And what I also found interesting when we were interviewing Dr. Ann, what she said is that the average male penis, and this is across race, doesn't matter what race you are,

Honest Communication About Body Preferences

Leah 34:28

is five inches and a quarter. That's the, that is most men. That's how big their lingam or their penis is. And yet we have this obsession with an eight inch cock and then people who go really out there and say 12 inch cock. Like, I don't even, don't even present that to me,

Willow 34:44

don't even think that exists.

Leah 34:45

Yeah,

Willow 34:46

Oh my

Leah 34:46

I know. Does that exist? Maybe in some porn. Maybe there are some people who have

Willow 34:50

There might be, but it'd be way too big. I mean, you can't even get it all the way in. It's going to be hitting your cervix. You know, one of the words that I do not love, and we were just interviewing, um, the cock ring doctor, Dr. Elliot,

Leah 35:04

Yeah. Dr. Elliot Justin.

Willow 35:06

and um, He kept saying dick the whole time. He said dick, dick, dick, dick. And then you and I started saying it too. I'm like, wait, that's not our language. We don't usually use that word. You don't mind dick?

Leah 35:18

dick. I don't. Uh uh.

Willow 35:20

don't know why. I'm

Leah 35:21

No, I don't like anything that makes something

Willow 35:23

sexy to me.

Leah 35:24

bright. I don't think of it as sexy at all. No. But it's, I don't, but I find it, it's, it's fine. I mean, Matt and I will say really funny words. words you know,

Willow 35:33

It's like, yeah, funny, jokey.

Leah 35:35

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Willow 35:36

Okay. What else do we love to hear when we're being taken, when we're being ravished by a

Leah 35:41

You, you'll never get tired of being told you smell so Oh, I know.

Willow 35:45

And your skin is so soft.

Leah 35:48

Especially genitals and someone says you smell so good or you taste so good. Like that makes you feel so much more relaxed. Most of us have like, worried that we don't have like the right smell for someone. So when you can be reassuring that you really like that, like right now you guys, if you're just listening, I'm scanning up and down my body with my hands. Cause I want to know, Hey, does this work for you? You know, is this package good for you? Is this working for you? Is this copacetic? Are we working? Like, we want to know. That how we taste, how we smell, and how we look is pleasing to our sexual partner. So when you like, I love it when a man like forces my hands up above my head and then smells my armpits. It's like you fucking smell delicious. I want to fucking eat you. And then they slide down your body. And I love to feel them smell me, like smell around the curve of my breast, smell the side of my waist, smell in between my legs, smell in between my ass. Like, Like, take it all. Take, take this fruit basket and tell me how luscious and yummy and like how it works for you. Now, I'm trying to think, if it didn't work for them and they said it, would I know? I think I want to hear it either way.

Willow 37:03

Probably. You probably would know, but you might not care in the moment if you're really turned on. But yeah, I think like when, when a man can really give those, those verbal cues, there's so many men who just don't make any noise and they don't speak, they don't use any language. It's like, come on, free up the throat chakra, everybody, no

Leah 37:23

Yeah, do your work with the Throat Chakra. Open that shit up. Yes. Take a voice lesson and get comfortable. I know it's so hard. It's probably the hardest ask. It's been the hardest ask in my workshops. Like, it's the thing that people have the hardest thing to do is to express themselves verbally. We're so afraid of being embarrassed. So we just have that on, we have that trapped and it's the biggest gift you can give to your lover.

Willow 37:48

yeah, it totally drops someone into, um, a sense of security, like safety. Like, wow, in this moment, you are enjoying all of me, all these aspects of me that I I have been uncertain about or insecure about or so it breeds this again when you're in that naked vulnerable sexual place like that's the best time to rewire neural pathways in your body. You're going to be walking around so different the next day after being with a lover the night before who's like you, I could hang out between your thighs for hours. I love the way you taste, I love the way you smell, I love the everything about it and so it's

Leah 38:29

And if you're with someone who you don't feel that way about, you're probably with the wrong person.

Willow 38:33

Right.

Leah 38:34

So like it is pretty important for sexual chemistry and you want to kind of line this up with someone who's also a good partner. Sometimes the person you have the best sexual chemistry with is not a great partner and you aren't compatible anywhere else. So that's, that could be tricky. You want to have some sort of balance, but you really do want to be with someone who you, you like all those things. You actually like how they smell, and you like how they taste, and you, if it's a little off, you can work on that. It's not an impossible thing to overcome, so don't throw in the towel quite yet. Um, but this is where ravishment comes in. I realize, like, there is something that is so hot and so sexually satisfying, I think, as a woman. Which is having that sexual ravishment, which is when someone is smelling you and they're gobbling you up, you know, they're inhaling you and they're spreading

Physical Expressions That Complement Verbal Desire

Leah 39:25

open your legs and they're taking your legs and they're putting it over their their shoulders and they're turning you all about. There's something about being manhandled and smelled and then tasted and like they're just gobbling you up. You're just like this little sweet piece of chocolate. You're just a delicious truffle and they can't get enough like that's ravishment.

Willow 39:43

and ladies,

Leah 39:44

women are missing and they want that from their

Willow 39:47

don't be afraid, ladies, to ask for that. Like, I want you to ravish me. I want you to, you know, turn my body over, put my legs up over your shoulders. Like, ask for those things. You don't know what you don't know until you try. And so, just really giving them exact cues of what to do for your body and exact things you want to hear them say. And it can, you can say it in the moment. This is the kind of, you know, sexuality advancement that you can do in the moment, as far as communication goes. Like, It can be super hot. Like, if you're with somebody who's really not verbal, they haven't made a peep, they haven't said anything to you about your body, you could say in that moment, like, God, I would really love to hear you say, you know, how much, how much you love the way I taste, or, or how, how much you love the way my skin feels on your body, or whatever it is.

Leah 40:47

Or like, I think too, you can, let's say you've just tasted someone. Let's say you've just caught down on someone. Come up and then kiss them with that. It's another way of communication. So if something's a little off, they can taste it. If something's really right, Ooh, they can taste it. They can get off on that. It's another way of kind of communicating, um, information that might be really useful for your partner. I know that I'm, can be pretty shy. Like, I'll give someone little prompts. Like, I'll tell someone to tell me I'm a good girl, but that's probably about as brave as I get. Like, I, unless I'm having a conversation outside of the bedroom, it's actually really hard for me in the heat of the moment to go Describe to me blah blah blah.

Willow 41:24

Oh, I love it. Yeah, it's it's good dirty talk for me. It's like, you know, tell me, tell me you want to fuck me. Tell me you want to take me. Tell me you want to tell me you love my pussy, whatever it is. You know, like it's it's. And then they, you know, and then they do, and then they keep saying it, and then it keeps going, and it goes higher and higher and higher. The

Leah 41:46

bad, and then don't. Like there's something that increases the anticipation to like great degrees when you describe how bad you want to take it, how much you want it, and then you don't. You delay it and you delay it so that that point of penetration ends up being so So off the chart, because you've been, your

Willow 42:05

anticipation. Oh, it's the best. You know, there's that, that like, that, um, fecundity of anticipation, like the rightness and the fullness of that moment of anticipation. That joy. Build so much incredible arousal, like takes your, you know, your, your level 8 to an 8. 9 is, um, is so much. It's so, I forgot what I was going to say, but something around, like, it's synonymous to, you know, sexuality, like bringing, I don't know, I lost my train of thought

Leah 42:43

You lost the plot there.

Willow 42:44

cut, cut that part

Leah 42:46

I will. Um, there's something too, like around, there's some physicality with words that really go well together. Like coming back to that whole piece about like, your body's mine, or your yoni's mine, or your cunt is mine. Whatever language you want to use. When someone comes behind your head, now I have short hair, Willow has long hair, the key to hair pulling, there is something about when someone is taking possession of you and then they do a physical gesture that complements that possession. One is hair pulling. Now, not everyone likes hair pulling, probably because someone pulled their hair wrong. Um, and a good hair pull starts where you come through the back of the scalp, bringing your hands up from the neck up to the head. And you pull

Willow 43:31

Fingertips pointing up,

Leah 43:33

pointing up, and you, and you hold on to the root of her head and then you can pull her head back, whisper something in her ear, kiss her mouth, kiss her neck, tell her who owns her, um, that feels amazing. You never want to pull on the ends of somebody's hair. You always want to get to the roots. That's what's sexy. That doesn't hurt. You're not like trying to pull someone's hair out. That's not why women like hair pulling. Um, they like it because it feels possessive. It feels, it brings a primal element to the moment. It's like you taking possession. Another thing is when you come around to hold someone's neck, you're not trying to choke them. Unless you really like being choked, and then there's skill and practice and safety. We're not talking about that. This is like you come around and you don't put pressure on somebody's windpipe. You put pressure on the sides of their neck by their arteries. You don't squeeze to cut off their air supply. You hold their neck in a possessive hold. I've got you. And that hold is communicating. You're safe. You're so safe with me that I can bring this threatening gesture, but instead of it feeling threatened, it feels protective. It feels like someone's got you. And then you whisper in their ear, you're mine. Or even if you're not like claiming them in a relationship, you can say for the next hour, you're mine. For the next whatever,

Willow 44:54

know, since we're on the throat, I'm going to go on a little tangent, a little throat tangent here. Um, so this, um, you know, your throat, when you fold the body in half at the belly button, the throat is a mirror image of your, of your genitals. And

The Throat-Vagus Nerve Connection in Intimacy

Willow 45:10

there's a really incredible book that I'm reading right now, um, The Voice, The Vulva, and The Vagus Nerve. And she talks about how this. Soul is connected to the Vagus Nerve. So there's this really deep like soul alignment. So when we, and the Vagus Nerve runs right through these, this throat area. So when it is supported in a loving way, in a, in a I've got you, like you can rest, you can surrender, you can let go. The Vagus Nerve, which is All about receiving and rest and digest and allowing yourself to open to new experiences in life. That vagus nerve gets a chance to relax and surrender and open and this rush of soul connection comes through your body. It's so freaking powerful. So we are going to be interviewing her later this month. I got introduced to her by a mutual friend and um, she's a really cool woman so I can't wait to have her on the show.

Leah 46:13

Yeah, right on. What are some of like, okay, so we've talked about possession, like using language that says like, I've got you, you're mine, I own you, I possess you, even if it's just a dalliance for an hour, or whether it's someone who's actually claiming you in partnership

Balancing Dirty Talk and Tender Pillow Talk

Leah 46:30

and in life, a long term relationship. Those things work great for opening up the body. And we've talked a little bit about beautiful things. Now, we want to point you to an episode we did. Um, it was all about dirty talk versus pillow talk. It's a great episode. We'll put that link in the show notes. Be sure to listen to it. But if we could talk a little bit more about pillow talk, we've referenced the goddess. What are some other languages we've talked about when someone tells you like, how beautiful, we haven't really actually said much about being told that you're beautiful. How

Willow 46:59

you know that,

Leah 46:59

talking about how you look? Respond to your

Willow 47:02

there's a whole, there's a whole great practice that, um, that you can do with your partner where you just basically are just going from the top of their head all the way down through the bottom of their feet and appreciating every little thing about them. I appreciate your eyes. There's, you know, the way that they, the shape of them, the sparkle of them, the color of them, whatever. I appreciate the way your lips are, like, Just loving and appreciating and it's, you know, it's a really beautiful, kind of like yoni witnessing, but on the whole body.

Leah 47:35

Yeah, Mama Gina calls that a word bath. When you give someone a word bath, and you just, you just, Oh, I love the shape of your eyebrows. I love the shape of your ears. I love your collarbone. I love the swell at the top of your breasts. I love this curve, this arch, this dimple, this mole, this birthmark, this thing on your

Willow 47:58

toe. The scar,

Leah 47:59

scar, Yeah, yeah, yeah,

Willow 48:01

Yeah. And so those, that can be a whole practice and it's good, it's good to use that practice to start to get good at expressing and opening your throat chakra and your voice and your words. And you can do it with a friend. It doesn't have to be sexual. So there's like so many ways to utilize this practice. And then, you know,

Leah 48:23

cathartically healing, like especially when you don't like your body and you have had a struggle liking yourself and not seeing how beautiful you are, when someone gives you that gift and you're, you have to really practice on not deflecting the gift that they're giving, but allow yourself to Yes, to experience their truth and to feel it and to take it in and the tears that flow from there are so cleansing and so healing. Fuck, I want everyone to do that. That's like mandatory homework.

Willow 48:54

Do that homework and then write in, and then write in the comments and let us know how it went.

Leah 49:00

You don't, you don't need a partner to do that either. You can stand in front of the mirror and give yourself a word bath.

Willow 49:06

Yeah, mirror practice. And so when you have more, like when you do that as a, as a bigger solid practice, then it's easy. Like, let's say you've just finished making love and you're just laying there and you're just caressing the curve of your partner's neck or something. They're on their side. You're caressing the curve of their hip or their shoulder or whatever. And you, and your words just flow like, Oh my God, I love the way this looks. This curve feels against my fingers. Oh my god, this curve of your side boob is just so smokin hot. You

Leah 49:39

Fills my hands just beautifully. Yeah.

Willow 49:43

yeah, so you want to, um, bigger practices. This is the same as like meditation. If you go to a meditation retreat, you're gonna have, have such a different kind of ongoing daily meditation practice, you know, so these bigger practices that you implement, we often will teach couples to, um, do at least two tantric practices per month. And that's going to inform the rest of their sexuality the rest of the month. It's going to be totally different.

Leah 50:12

also just a great way of finding out what. causes you to press the brakes, what causes you to press the accelerator. And I just, I want to also give some, like, there's a range. When I first started this work, there was shit I could not believe. And then later came to believe. There was stuff I could not hear. That later I was able to hear so it's a journey

Willow 50:33

believe about yourself? Like if somebody was like, you're so

Leah 50:38

if someone said I love your creamy thighs I would have gotten a stomachache. it was too painful to believe and then now someone said I love it Love your creamy thighs, I would grab the fat of them and like make them lick them, you know, and scratch them up and do something more to it. Like it's, it's, there's an evolution. What causes the breaks for you today may turn into an accelerator later if you stay open. If you stay willing to be influenced by what opens someone else due to your presence, eventually it may open you too. So it's like, it's just a really open minded through the process. And that's really good information. You, you may hear somebody say something like if somebody. When someone called, uh, Willow a dirty little girl, she may, that may cause her to press the brakes. And that's good information for her partner, like she said in the beginning of the episode. When you kind of experience a word bath, you'll get information about what was hard to hear, what was easy to hear, and that's amazing information for someone to know so they can keep opening you. Um, so if you don't know what you like. You gotta try some of these things on in the heat of the moment to find out if it works for you. So really, we always will say this, it all comes back to having a curious mind and a willingness to be on an adventure.

Willow 51:57

Yep, the journey never ends, my friends. It just keeps going and growing and evolving and there's so much, there's so much Phenomenalness to explore, and there's contraction points along the way too that hurt. So you, you get more resilient, you get better, uh, um, at navigating all of it, the contra, contractions and the

Leah 52:22

know, what's interesting is this phenomenon over the last, I don't know, 10 years or more of dick pics and I never understood the dick pic. I was like this, this is not a turn on to me. This just seems like this really strange thing, but like what's really happening with the dick pic? And what was interesting I was following the same guy who mentioned to tell woman that Her pussy is yours. It will make her wet. Um, he, I watched a video of his and it was, instead of sending her a dick pic, what you sent her, wear the gray sweatpants. Have a fullness in your cock. Take a picture of your cock bulging in front of, you know, within the sweatpants. That is a much more, that will turn her on more than actually seeing your dick because their imagination gets activated. so if you can plug into a woman's imagination, then you can plug into her Eros. And I thought, oh, that's very

Willow 53:20

I wonder

Leah 53:20

I wondered, is that would that be true for me? What about you?

Willow 53:24

Well I think so, it's definitely less of like a turn off, like dick pics for me are a turn off, but, and so as we're having this moment of conversation I'm wondering, I'm wondering if like, men think It is a, like, I always feel like they're doing it for the shock factor, but I wonder if they're doing it because they're like, so proud of their cock and they're like, this is definitely going to have to turn her on because I'm so turned on and what would turn them on probably is a straight up picture of the, of a pussy. They don't need, yeah. Or it's just, they don't need clothes over to get turned

Leah 54:01

think, I

Willow 54:02

with a Yoni it's hard on,

Leah 54:03

think it's kind of the way some men touch a clitoris too hard. They're doing what feels good to their genitals. So they're trying to turn her on by what turns them on, which doesn't always translate between the two brains. Between the estrogen brain and the testosterone brain, though we,

Willow 54:22

If you have not read The Male Brain and The Female Brain, please do not pass go. Go get those books. Read those books. You have to read those books. Those two books will tell you everything you'd ever want to know about the male brain and the female brain. I mean, it's phenomenal how different

Leah 54:39

they

Willow 54:39

different they

Leah 54:40

what it comes down to and kind of closing for this episode is we got to talk more. we have to normalize these types of conversations between our friend groups so that we can process this. I know that it'd be a lot easier for me to process these turn ons and what I want to hear by hearing what my, turns my friends on. Hear what's worked for them. So I can kind of go, would that work for me? How do I feel about that? And then, Oh, this happened. And having a safe place to process what opens you and what closes you, what turns you on, what turns you off, I think we need to do that in our social groups. And then we need to have these conversations with potential partners, with our current partners, so that we can open up to more arousal and more turn on and find out like what lits that fire. Practice saying some of these scary things out loud because it's really vulnerable to say out loud the things you want to hear because you don't know if that's gonna turn off your partner. Sometimes it's gonna be a miss and hopefully we'll just have a sense of humor about it instead of making a fight about it

Willow 55:40

That's right. Yeah. So stay curious, explore your attunement to yourself and to others and really, you know,

Leah 55:48

Yeah, take

Willow 55:49

Like it's okay if somebody doesn't, yeah, it's okay if somebody doesn't want to say dirty little slut to you.

Leah 55:55

well or

Willow 55:56

a big deal. Move on. What else do you want to hear?

Leah 55:58

a little right

Willow 55:59

it a thing.

Leah 56:00

doesn't have to be a deal breaker Fine fine to go around. Yeah Yeah. All right, well this was fun. yeah, Uh, by the way, that, uh, the Instagram account that we mentioned, his link will be in the show notes. I don't know his name. Okay. Love, love, love.

Announcer 56:19

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and Positive Psychology Facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine Doctor and Taoist Sexology Teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget, your comments, likes, subscribes and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.