The Sex Reimagined Podcast

Erica Wiederlight: For Epic Sex, Transform Self-Loathing Without Changing Your Body | #131

• Leah Piper, Dr. Willow Brown, Erica Wiederlight • Season 3 • Episode 131

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Are you tired of surface-level self-care that never truly transforms how you feel about your sexual self image? In this episode we  sit down with confidence coach and sexual empowerment expert Erica Wiederlight. She shares her remarkable personal transformation from crippling self-hatred to embodied confidence, revealing how pleasure practices became the unexpected healing balm that therapy alone couldn't provide. This conversation goes far beyond "just do a face mask and feel better" advice, diving deep into practical tools for developing true self-respect and creating lasting change in your relationship with yourself and others.

Whether you're struggling with negative self-talk, dating anxiety, or disconnection from physical pleasure, this episode offers actionable techniques to break free from limiting patterns and step into your most radiant, authentic self.

WHAT YOU'LL DISCOVER:

  • The crucial difference between surface-level self-care and genuine self-love
  • Why self-respect is the missing ingredient in your confidence journey
  • Simple daily practices that interrupt negative thought patterns
  • How pleasure can heal what traditional therapy sometimes can't touch
  • The secret to authentic dating that dating apps won't tell you

EPISODE LINKS 



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THE MALE GSPOT & PROSTATE MASTERCLASS. This is for you if… You’ve heard of epic anal orgasms, & you wonder if it’s possible for you too. Buy Now. Save 20% Coupon PODCAST20.

THE VAGINAL ORGASM MASTERCLASS. Discover how to activate the female Gspot, clitoris, & cervical orgasms. Buy Now. Save 20% Coupon: PODCAST 20

LAST 10x LONGER. If you suffer from premature ejaculation, you are not alone, master 5 techniques to cure this stressful & embarrassing issue once and for all. Buy Now. Save 20% Coupon: PODCAST20.

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Leah:

Hey there, welcome to the sex reimagined podcast. If you are a new listener or if you are a long time listener, we're so happy you're here. My name is Leah Piper. I am your cohost and your Tantra expert.

Willow:

And I'm Dr. Willa Brown, your Taoist expert here at Sex Reimagined. And today we are interviewing Erica Wiederlight, who is the confidence coach, expert, and speaker. Her work highlights self love, dating, embodiment, pleasure, burnout, and sexual empowerment. So it sounds like a real range that she covers and she helps clients go from feeling dusty and crusty to feeling fabulous and radiant. So she is the podcast host of the top rated show. Welcome to the Wilder life. And her work has been featured in galore and cosmopolitan magazine. In addition to her extensive coaching background, she's also a public speaker who's spoken at hundreds of venues. So we are so excited to have Erica on the show today. You are going to love this episode.

Leah:

That's right. So tune in, turn on and fall in love with Erica.

Announcer:

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.

Leah:

We have Erica in the studio. Welcome,

Erica:

Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Willow:

Yeah, we're so thrilled to drop in with you today about your work with, um, you know, helping people find the more pleasure in their bodies and in their lives. Helping people let go of the things that are holding them back and, um, find their way to more joy. So, how long have you been doing this work? Maybe you could start by telling us, uh, how you, how you came to this work. You know, what was your own journey with it? What's your genesis story?

Erica:

Yeah. You know, I always say this is high school. Me would be for, and I don't know if this resonates for, for you both, but high school me would freak out if I knew what I'm doing now, just'cause I'm like, oh no. But me as a child, like this is who I was. It's my authentic self. And this is, you know, how I expressed myself. So in ways I'm shocked, in ways I'm not shocked. Um, but for me it kind of was a quintessential dark night of the soul, um, where I was battling and, you know, going through my own personal demons and facing a lot of grief and death that this work really. Flirted with me and invited me in, you know? Um, and I was like, okay. And so I, I always joked I was resistance, like resistant to it. I was like, I'm not gonna make this into a business. This is just for me. This is for me. And something was always like, that's cute, Erica. Like, that's fun, but we're pulling you in.

Leah:

You are getting the call from the universe. Hey, we need you show up over here.

Erica:

Yep. And I was like, oh, no, no, it's, you know, that's not for me. Like, I'm just gonna, this is just, you know, for me personally and um, LOL, here we are. And I wouldn't change it for

Willow:

I love it. I love it. So, so, What first sort of hooked you in and, and called you forward, and at what point did you finally succumb and shift to doing it as a profession?

Leah:

Yeah, because I know you've worked with Mama Gina and with Layla Martin, you're, you're a Vita coach, so yeah. Tell us about like what got you into the work and then that eureka moment when you had to answer the call to do it professionally.

Erica:

Ooh. I love that. Okay. Eureka moment was just living at a place where I was like, do I really wanna live my life like this? I really hated my body. Um, I had a tumultuous relationship with, with food and sexuality. I'm like, do I, is this what I want? So that was my first in kind of the traditional life coaching where I was like, I don't wanna, you know, I, I knew it was coming, but I was like, I'm just doing traditional life coaching. And then I remem this is such a ingrained memory in my bed, at the time I was living in New York City and I had this Buddha beautiful like Buddha picture. It was on Parchment right over my bed. And I remember I looked at it one day. And I had the word Tantra come in and sexuality and fem. And I'm like, no, no, no. Like, I'm like, no. Like I knew. I knew it was coming. I was like, I know, I know. And I remember being like, I know. Can we not do it now? You know what I mean? And so it was my flirt, it was my invitation of getting me in. Um, and how I started the business. Again, totally resistant. I'm not doing a business, I'm just doing a coaching session. I'm not doing a business, I'm just having group sessions, but not calling it that. And so it was from a place of like, I must share this with the people that I love. I must, you know, help this person if they're asking for help. So it really came from the desire to be of service, uh, especially when I had the tools and technology to help folks.

Willow:

I love that. And, and I'm just so curious, like what, what's shifted for you as far as your relationship to your femininity, your sexuality, your body, your confidence? Like I. And in, in turning it into a professional offering, like what's, what's been an internal alchem that you've experienced?

Erica:

Oh my God. Everything, everything. I think, you know, for me, I, I kind of mentioned this before, like my relationship to my body, I was riddled with anxiety. Um, and I was blessed, you know, to go to therapist and this and that, and that was of service, but nothing did the work or nothing had me hold myself as much as the pleasure work. Um, I never met myself that deep before. Um, and as someone especially that has my relationship with food, with body image, it was very hard for me to be embodied. It was very triggering. I was like, I don't, that's the last thing I want to do. You know, for me, being in my body was let me be in my body so I get a goal. So I look like this. Um, and so for me, this has been. I'm always kind of shocked, like, oh, oh my God, I can't believe I did this in my lifetime. You know, like, I can't believe it because I was filled with so much self-hate. So people that knew me, you know, they're always like, I cannot believe the journey that you went on of like real self-love, real confidence, real embodiment, uh, real self-care. I never knew those. Like I, I, they were catchphrases, but I didn't know what it meant to live like that. Uh, and for me. I kind of am like, whoa, like it's, it's such a blessing how this has touched and changed my life

Willow:

Well, I think that's such an important thing to highlight, is that those are just like buzzwords until they're not right, until you actually know what they are and how to live them and to actually implement and practice. So I, I'm imagining, I don't know if this is true, but I'm imagining that's a lot of what you teach clients is like how to turn those buzzwords into actual lifestyle and changes. What are, what are some of the ways that you do that?

Erica:

I love that. So many things and you nailed it. Embodiment, pleasure. It's funny, I, you know. Same. Like I, for a while I was walking like a, what did they say? Like a, a head, a floating head. And I was like, embodiment, pleasure. And so that's part of how I connect with people is they're like, I don't think I could do this. And I'm one of those people that's like, let me tell you, if I could do it, you could do it. You know? So, and, and I pride myself on that, that I've seen some things that I never thought I could go through this journey. Um, so that's why I feel very blessed when I get to hold people through their triggers, through their resistances. And I'm like, I got you. I know, I know this is really scary. And I get to be with them through all of that. And one of the gifts, as you probably know, is having this business, I have to really show up. this has been one of my deepest spiritual practices is walking my walk and talk and my talk. You know what I mean? Like really embodying this work for myself, but to hold people properly or what I would consider properly.

Willow:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

you're saying is really resonating with me. I too, um, started this journey with crippling self-loathing and, um, hated my body. Absolutely. Uh, just thought I was a hideous human being so deeply painful. And it was like, I remember going to my first Tantra workshop and I just couldn't ignore how big and loud the voice had gotten that I was forced to do something about it. And, um. I knew that that self-love thing isn't an intellectual experience. It's an emotional, spiritual, physical experience. Like you have to do it in the body and you gotta bring all the heart and soul that you pour into other people and find a way to pour it into yourself, and you can't think your way to it. There's no, if we could think our way to it, man, Oprah would've saved all our lives. Now she saved some of our lives, but she couldn't hand us the self-esteem we knew we should have had. Um. And I think also, you know, one of the things I say about a lot of Tantra teachers is the reason why we became Tantra teachers is so that we are held accountable so that we actually do the practices. Because like so many students, they'll do some practices, they get incredible transformation from it. They love that workshop, but then they don't, they're not always consistent, you know, they don't always continue. It's this thing that kind of touched their life like a. Like a lightning bug came and kissed them, but you really need the lightning bolt to keep going. Um, so, uh, so I hear like one of the ways that you keep going is to do the work and to stay in the work and to help other people really forces you to stay consistent in it. Um, do you just work with women? Is that who your primary audience is?

Erica:

Nope. Yeah.

Leah:

like what's different between working with men, women, or couples?

Erica:

Oh my God, this is such a good que, you know, so, you know, in business, right, when they always say, who's your client avatar? And I never, I get, I really get the worth of that. I think that's so beautiful. I understand like energetically why we do it. And I always was like, Ugh. Like I don't, I don't know. And it's, it's funny because my clientele. Really Not too, too, not too, people are alike in a sense. We're alike, right?'cause we have things come up around body image or confidence or sexual pleasure. But if you put these people out, you know, on a screen, you'd be like, what? Like what are, what are, how do they, you know, intersect? Um, and I feel very grateful for that. And again, the, everyone is held differently, right? Like everyone has different needs. I, so some of my somatic practices, I have folks that they live this work, so they could easily go into a visualization. They could easily go into an embodied practice. I have some people where they're like, Erica, that's so triggering I can't. And it's like, okay, that's cool. Like we're not gonna go into a deep visualization. Maybe we just feel, you know, your fingernails to your skin. Or maybe could we close your eyes for just 30 seconds just to feel your breath? So for me, I really tailor to where everyone is on their journey. And I know most coaches do that, but it's very important for me to really hold them, uh, with where they're at and not pushing, of course, you know, pushing the edge, but in a really safe, manageable container.

Leah:

And so, you know, other than, you know, helping people with let's say self-love and self-worth and maybe, uh, it sounds like you've, you really help people with pleasure really starting to embody pleasure in new, wonderful ways. I think so many, especially women, have a hard time accessing their pleasure. Um, what about other issues? Like what are your clients, what are they struggling with? What do you hear over and over and over again that is up in their world that they're, they're reaching out to you to get some relief from?

Erica:

Totally. You know, a theme is like just general unsatisfaction. So I have the things on paper. Why am I not happy? You know? Or I'm moving toward like I'm doing the goal thing. Why am I, you know, which is connected to the pleasure. I do a lot of work in dating and love.

Leah:

Oh,

Erica:

a big, yeah. Oh my god, that's so fun. It's so, so rewarding. But I really help people consciously date and we know, you know, beginning with dating, really consciously dating and holding ourselves. But a big part of my work is creating safety around dating. And that has been so fabulous seeing different folks come in. You know, like I have, I'm thinking of some people, like I have some men in their twenties, and their journey is so different than my client, you know, women clients in their seventies. But it's so fabulous to hold them and what they need on that journey, that love journey, as you know, is so potent and fabulous and fun.

Willow:

What are, what are some of the things that you ha that you give them, like either practices or um, exercises or things that you help them with in order to feel more safe within that dating sphere?

Erica:

Yeah, it's so, yeah, it's so interesting. Usually people come to me and they're like, I watch these YouTubes. It's like the stereotype, which is great. Like there's a place, but there's, you know, the people are like, if you wanna get the person, do A, B, and C. And so honestly, before we even get into calling in the person, a lot of our work is uncovering and unlearning what they should be doing.

Willow:

I.

Erica:

So a lot of my male clients were undoing, well, I, I watched a YouTube or I read a book, you know that I should be doing this. And we kind of. comb through that we un or unlearn those patterns. Like what's your truth? So first and foremost, before we jump into creation and manifesting and all that juice, it's really about like, hold on, let's uncover clear the cobwebs of the stories and start neutral in a way.'Cause you know the deal, we come to dating, we come to love with so many fricking stories.

Leah:

yeah, what are some of like whatever those thing that turns into a block.

Erica:

Yes. A lot of people are nervous being seen

Leah:

Mm-hmm.

Erica:

and seeing, so I see that a lot, right? Like I'm nervous really seeing who's in front of me'cause I just want it to work. Like I want love so bad, I just want it to work. And then I'm also nervous being seen, you know, like really being seen and really being authentically myself. That's like a

Leah:

I'll be rejected if they really see who I really am.

Erica:

totally. I'll be rejected. I'll be abandoned. I'm never good enough like it comes with so much. The love stuff comes with so much worthiness and deserving. That's why for me, when I take people on that dating, you know, journey or that love journey, they're like, I know like so much of our work is peppered with the self-love because I'm like, listen, you're gonna go, like you may be rejected or someone may ghost you, and how do we hold ourselves through that? So for me, the self-love piece is just like so imperative. Like it's a, it's sandwiched with our work with the dating journey.

Leah:

So tell us a little bit of your philosophy on how to actualize self-love. What are the steps that people need to make in order to have that transformation and to really feel that and truly believe it and own it?

Erica:

I love that. I think for me, for a long time, I. I was, and this is okay, but I was confusing self-care with self-love.

Leah:

Uhhuh?

Erica:

So I was like, I did a face mask. Why don't I love myself? You know what I mean? And like, and I was like, I'm doing

Willow:

I gave myself a yoga class or a massage. Yeah.

Erica:

right. I was like, wait, like I don't get it. Like I'm doing. I don't, and I joke about it, but it's like there's frustration there. Like, I was like, I'm doing the things that Pinterest said to do. Why am I not loving myself? And so. I had to, I had to come to learn that for me, self-care was a branch of self, uh, self-care was a branch of self-love, so is self-respect. And I never realized that. I thought I was kind of doing the opposite, like, lemme just check it off and then I'm gonna love myself. You know, like I'm gonna do the thing. And then, so

Willow:

then you should love yourself.

Erica:

yeah, and I should love myself and I should think I'm the, you know, best thing ever. But for me, it really was a journey of knowing myself. Being with myself, it was a less, and this is not to shy anyone away, but it was a less glamorous version. Again, I thought I did the sheet mask and I, life would be fab. You know what I mean? So for me, it's been a very deep journey within myself, holding myself all the different parts of myself.

Willow:

I like. I like that word that you use self-respect. You know, I think that that's a really crucial and important part of the self-love journey because so often we, um, give up our own needs and desires. We don't even know what our own needs and desires are, first of all. And then even if we do, we'll give them up in order to, um. You know, keep the peace or not rock the boat or, you know, the women do this a lot, men do it as well. Um, but I think that in doing that, we, we lose a, a level of respect for ourselves or we don't have it to begin with. So curating and cultivating that sense of self-respect is, um, you know. Is about knowing what your desire is, what your wants, what your, you know, what you wanna create in your life, and, and respecting your time, your energy levels, your, um, you know who you're, who you're wasting time and energy with. Stop doing that and start to bring in that energy more and more so that you can actually start to manifest and co-create with the greater universe the life that you want to see come to fruition.

Erica:

Yeah, I love, I think for me, self-respect was a thing that got me. I was doing it, I was doing it. It came a far, a far away. But the self-respect, ugh, like that really was sobering for me.'cause I was like, oh, I'm, and this is okay, but like, I'm doing things that are not really respectful of myself. Like, like you said, like the, the, for me, my good girl conditioning, I don't wanna rock the boat. I have no boundaries. You know, like all of those things checked for me. Uh, but when I brought in self-respect, I was like, oh man. Like I can't really hide from this. It's very, you know, it was like, Ooh.

Willow:

yeah.

Leah:

Yeah.

Erica:

Yeah.

Willow:

Yeah. And so with, with clients when they're coming in and let's say they're, they're kind of where you were when, when you started this work of just like, what does it even mean to love myself and what does it even mean to respect myself? Like what, what are some of the, um, like, uh, like what's the journey? What's this 1, 2, 3? What are the steps? What are the practices or the tools that can really help them to, um, come to that?

Leah:

Yeah,

Erica:

I, yeah, I love that. So I really work regularly with clients in sessions also offline with those tools, with the technology to really start to live

Leah:

What some of the tools

Erica:

Yeah, please. I

Leah:

love to know more than nuts and bolts.

Erica:

Yes, yes. Okay, good. I was like, I think we're going there. So let's do it. So I could go on a list, but let me give some, some few. Let's give some basics. Is first and foremost, I always want my clients to know, like what we talked about before, like what are you thinking about yourself? So that's like the mindset piece, right? So for me, I. Self-talk is really important. So I have clients really be aware of, oh, okay, I didn't realize this. I'm really talking bad about myself, and I didn't know like, great. So first and foremost, we get comfortable with like, what are you saying about yourself? How are you speaking about yourself? How are you speaking about your desires? And then over time we learn how to flip those things. So. I'll give you an example. I, and actually told a client this this morning is she's like, I just got a new ring. I'm like, great, I want you to put on that ring or that bracelet, and this is a tool I like to do, and you could modify it. And every day you put on that, that piece of jewelry, you know, and you're living your life. And when you start to have really crusty, crunchy thoughts, like, I'm the worst, oh my God, look how I look on the zoom. You gently take it off and you replace it to the other hand, or you know, whatever you wanna do. Like it's a, it's a physical and, and stop the thought and say. I'm beautiful. I'm doing the best I can. So it's a physical stop, right? Instead of,'cause sometimes everyone's like, what's your thought mindset? Which I love, but sometimes it's hard. And so that is a physical like, oh, I was being cruel to myself.

Willow:

like a little mini ritual in this, in the middle of the day. Yeah.

Leah:

okay, that was that thought, but I'm gonna choose this one.

Willow:

And what I love about it is, um, you know, I used to give people similar but not quite as loving, which was just like, put a rubber band around your, your wrist and every time that you like, start talking to yourself like you wi you, your best friend would never talk to yourself like that. You snap your rubber band. But I love this little like, shift the jewelry. That's

Leah:

Yeah, I love that too. I would like put on a swipe of lips because I'm noticing I could use a little more color, darling. Oh my God. Look at me now. Unstoppable.

Erica:

I love it. It's true. And speaking of, actually, you actually brought up something great is like we see each other, we see each other, we see ourselves so much more than generations past, right? Like we're on conversations like this, we're on zooms, we pass the mirror. We're on social media like we see ourselves.

Leah:

like crazy.

Erica:

And so my invite is, I always tell people every time, talk about initiation ritual. Every time you see that camera or that, that visual, that the visual of yourself, can you give yourself three compliments?'cause you know, the first impulse, I mean, I'm on here right now. I'm like, oh, my hair ba, like, it's easy to go toward the what's wrong, what needs fixing. And so my

Leah:

hardwired for it.

Erica:

We're hired. Yes. And so it's like, how can we make rightness part of our vocabulary for ourselves? And so people are like, oh my God. I'm like, if you can't think like go granular, like, Ooh, I love my left eyebrow. Or you know, if that's too, is too triggering. I love that I showed up for this today. It's just another ritual, especially for our Richie, you know, ritual folks. Like it's a ritual, it's an initiation to get us back into self-love. It changes those neural pathways that,

Leah:

practice and that repetitive practice can start to change the conditioning because like, you know, there's so much conditioning that has supported us thinking and talking to ourselves in such a way that in order for us to make real lasting changes, we have to practice repetition over and over and over and over and over again. A different way of talking to ourselves. Otherwise it doesn't change. So you have to change your conditions to change your conditioning, and when you've had three to four to five decades of a conditioned response to what you see in the mirror, every time you look in the mirror or on camera, if you want any hope in transformation, that repetitious shift of doing a course correct is like the key to success, right?

Erica:

totally. And it's, it's funny too, I had a client today and she was like, I knew you were gonna ask me this. So I came and I did it. I'm like, thank you. And she, so we did celebrations and it set a lot of these tools. Are so basic and I talk to people like I know I, even myself when I first got into this work, I'm like, I know all this. I know all this. That's great that we know this from a brain perspective, right?

Leah:

two different

Willow:

Yeah.

Erica:

So different. And it's so funny, I, I have a conversation a lot with a friend and she's like, I know this stuff I went to school for for psychology. I'm like, that's amazing. What a privilege. Do you practice it? She's like, shut up. You know? So it's like we really want like practicing. Yeah. Like even celebration. It sounds Oh, Erica, that's so silly. That's so basic. Practicing daily celebrations. What is it really like to practice daily celebrations? Like really going through day like, yes, I showed up for that thing. Yes, I did that hard thing. Yes, I moved my body, whatever, whatever. But like living this work is the, is the embodiment.

Willow:

Yeah. And I think, you know, it's like we have to bring a, a level of compassion too,'cause so that, you know, old phrase, like we're our own worst critics is, is so very true. Like nobody in the world is walking around thinking the bad things about you that you are thinking and it's such a waste of Qi. It's like, what if we take that precious life? Worse energy and we uplift ourselves and think about like, well, what would my dear friend be saying to me right now about the way I'm showing up, or the way I look, or the way I'm walking my talk or not? You know, what would, what would somebody outside of me who really loves me and cares about me and honors me, what would that voice be saying? I think bringing that forward as well is a really helpful way for us to practice a different, um, patterning in our minds, right? We've got these synapses in our brains. They run through our hearts, they run through our guts, and they sure shit run through our genitals as well. And so, you know, when we start to, um, create new neuro pathways and new neuro network networks between these different brains in the body, then we, um, that's when transformation starts to change. And, you know, I could just, I could just see your people, Erica, the one, the ones who have known you for a long time and just being like, wow, you were that person and now you're this person. And like the, the radical transformation that you went through by utilizing these practices and really putting them into motion in your life.

Erica:

Yeah.

Leah:

Yeah. For those of you who aren't watching this on YouTube, maybe you're listening to it and if you could watch it, you would see just how radiant Erica is. Like you can tell that there's this, this embodied person who's done the work and it shines out of her skin. It shines out of her eyes and it shines from her smile. And I think that more than any transformation that people want, like that's, that's how you know you've, someone's done their work because it's, it's really about a radiance that starts to come from the inside that is so visible. And, and what's so interesting is people don't always know how to articulate, like, what is it about that person? But what you notice is that you're attracted to them. You notice that you want to, they've got this confidence and you kind of want that to rub off on you. You know, it's like you just wish you could rub shoulders with the person who just seems like they have their fucking shit together. Um, and so like, I kind of wanna steer this now towards sex and pleasure because I know you're, you're a sex coach. And so I. Tell me, tell us a little bit about how you're helping people who are, feel like they're failing at the sex game and is, maybe that's not even how they would describe it. Like what are people coming to you when they're really struggling with pleasure and sex or like the opposite sex?'cause I think probably, I'm sure there's a segue in a lot of the dating coaching that you're doing that also has to do with the fact that they're horny. I mean, like where does sex come into the conversation?

Erica:

Totally. I love this. And I also really quick wanna throw it back'cause it connects to, this is during my self-loathing journey. Pleasure was that, like I said, I went to therapy, I did things that was fabulous. But pleasure is the thing that was the healing balm for me

Leah:

Ding.

Willow:

Yeah.

Erica:

because I was like, I don't really care what I look like, you know, or I, or, and the Tantra as well. Like I, I just saw it was TikTok before this and the person was, I'm going on a tangent, but it makes sense. He's like, I, a green flag for me is someone that like takes up space and cackles. He's like,'cause you know that they're alive. He's like, they're not worried about, you know, being presentational. Yes. He's like. I want them to c He's like, that. is a

Willow:

their bliss. Yeah.

Erica:

Yes. He's like, that's a green flag for me. Like, he's like, take up space lady. He is like, I wanna hear you cackling like a seal. And I'm like, yes. I was like, that is it. And. For me, I was so obsessed. I have an acting background as well, so I'm very hyper aware of how am I being perceived, right? Like an, you know, my movement practice, how does this look? How like that's, that's a thing. And for me, pleasure was like, who the freak cares. Like, it was so liberating that it was like, this is about me feeling good. This is about me feeling nourished, not what do I look like. And so I wanted to pay tho us back. How healing that was. I was like, how am I ever gonna get over this? You know, lack of self-confidence and it was the pleasure work. Um, and that's why I'm obsessed with talking about it'cause I'm like, it changed my life and how I perceive myself.

Leah:

that you made that correlation because when you're in the throes of pleasure, when you're just like you are in high levels of arousal, you lose all self-consciousness.

Erica:

Yes,

Leah:

you to stop worrying about like what your body looks like when you are like, and, and it just feel and you're just going for it and your body is like, ah. It's like you can't think about your stomach, you can't think about your thighs. You're not thinking about your, how many chins you have. Like that inner voice that is like, how do I look? How do I look? How do I look? Dissolves. In the moment of orgastic experience. And then when you're even doing that consciously with someone else who's being looped into your orgastic experience and you're watching like the joy and the bliss that they're experiencing because you're experiencing like all that shit dissolves now It can return. Real fast, in a nanosecond. But I think sometimes we don't even let ourselves reach those peaks because we're so distracted by a sense of self-consciousness. And it doesn't even have to be about your appearance. It could be about your performance, right? Like it could be about like, what's your cock doing or not doing. It could be about, you know, I don't feel anything and I feel numb and I should be like having multiple orgasms. Like whatever the judgment is that has you feeling. Self-conscious, it does get blown to smithereens at the peak of an orgasm. Can you say more about that?

Erica:

I can, and you know what's funny? I, I wanna, I promise I'm coming back, I promise. But it's funny because I, in my embodiment, when I teach, I teach erotic movement and um I always say in the beginning of my classes, I've been every size I've looked, every way. I've had every care color. I've been to size probably 24, 26, and a size zero, and the work of Radiance is magnetic. And I have loved myself through, I've been cruel to myself at every size, but I've known how to love myself through every size and it fricking shows, you know, like you said, and I thank you for paying that compliment. People always say, I love your energy. I'm like, thank you. I'm being seen. Um, so I wanted to, I wanted to throw that out because I think we have so much conditioning, like, yeah, yeah, I'll do the radiance, but I'll also look like this. You know what I mean? Like, and, and uh, it was so

Leah:

Or I'll do the radiance once I look this.

Erica:

Yes. Once I get the this, then I'll do the radiance. And so for me it was so healing to be, oh, I'm, I'm work. I don't feel my best, but like I'm feeling my best. And people are like, holy, holy mama. So thank you for bringing that up. Back to the sexuality, I bring up the pleasure because for me, whew. Sex could be so loaded. So I always bring in with my clients, how are we living pleasure daily? How are we? I,

Leah:

of the bedroom.

Erica:

yes.'cause you know the deal, like if there's in every moment, right? Because if there's no pleasure, and if it's, if it's desert city and then I'm like, go have an orgasm, they're like, excuse you. You know what I mean? So we have

Leah:

I even have one of those?

Erica:

right, like, what are you talking about? Right? Like also like that's so jarring to my body and my nervous system. What are you talking about lady? You know, so for me, a really big LOL, wink wink lube. But for the sexual empowerment work is really living the pleasure every day. Um, I know I went on a tangent, but I do wanna highlight that because so often we're like, let's get to the sex, let's get to the sex. And I'm like, it's a, it's how we, it's also how we live.

Leah:

Yeah. It's the difference between Tantric sex and a Tantric

Erica:

Yes. Ooh, that's so

Leah:

life is like living a turned on life, whether you're in or out of the bedroom. It's being lit up by life.

Willow:

Yeah. And there's, And there's, um, you know, in Chinese medicine, we're always looking to put, like, focus on what is working. You know, focus on the, the health that is there and augment and amplify that health, and that's gonna push out the dark, the turd, the sticky, the dis disease, all of that. And so it's the same thing when we're bringing pleasure in to fill ourselves up with that level, that frequency, that vibration. And I wanna caveat for, for the pain, because we don't know what pleasure is if we don't know what pain is. And so we're talking about all the time, pleasure all the time. But there's, I think there's also, there's, there can be deep shadow. If you're overriding your pain, it's going to have a deeper, bigger grip on you if you're, um, pleasure bypassing, you know? And so we want to actually. Not only feel the painful sides of life as well and be present to them and, and acknowledge them and give them space to be, but to see if we can't find some pleasure in that pain. Why are we even here as human beings? Like what is our purpose? And it's like we're, we've come into this dualistic reality from unity consciousness into duality, right? And we've come here to really feel, to really. There's things in that unity place where we've all come from, from source where we don't, we don't get to experience the deep, deep pleasure and the ecstatic bliss, and we also don't get to experience the gnarly, intense pain and grief and sorrow and rage and sadness. And so I think that, you know, if we can really experience, uh, all of it as an opportunity to just be in life, to be in love with life, then there's that, there's that way of experiencing pleasure all the time.

Leah:

Well, I, I think what you're saying is super interesting because what also comes to mind when I hear you say that Willow, is when we avoid feeling the pain. When we avoid feeling the grief and the sorrow and the rage and the upset, then it's like those wet blankets you talk about. Everything gets really damp and heavy. And that's where like we become depressed, we become pressed in, and we become, we become numbed out. So when you don't feel the icks, right, it's like you can't feel the yums. Because you don't get to numb one part of your system and it not numb the other part of your system. So there's this part of like having to embrace all of it. And can you, can you yum your yucks on some level? You know, can you, can you realize that your yucks actually, there's a payoff, there's something in your subconscious that is keeps on driving you to become broke over and over and over again so that you can have the story of, whoa, of God, I'm always broke. Or you know, like, go deeper. Go into like, ooh, like what is that and, and what is it that I'm afraid to see? And can I be willing to get curious and unveil some of this subconscious, unconscious stuff and bring it up into consciousness? And sometimes that means making fun of the shit. You know, last night I was tying up my husband'cause I'm practicing ropes.

Erica:

Love it.

Leah:

And um, and you know, like we would break character. I'm trying to be all like dominant and he's trying to like, follow my instructions and lower his eyes and look at the ground, look at my feet. Um, and I'm tying it up and, and we just had the biggest crack up because I was starting to like, kind of make fun of him because he was, he was lamenting the other day a frustration at work. And so then we started to make fun of like this frustration that almost has him wanting to quit his job. Like he's so fed up with this thing. And then we just got to like make fun of it. Like, oh, wham, wham, you can't do this thing. And we had such a joyous moment of bringing levity to this thing that's been really bothering him, and it kind of took him being tied up. Not being able to maneuver that allowed him to just sort of like, relax into this levity. And I don't know why I'm taking this on this tangent, um, other than to say, you know, sometimes we just have to take a look at our whole life and lighten it up and not be afraid of it. Not make it, not make the hard things so hard, but to like face them head on. So, I mean, with all that tangent going on all over the place, Erica, I'm sort of wondering what's your take

Erica:

yeah, no, I love that. I love, and it's funny, it's like, I think that's what, I have two things. That's what attracted me to the pleasure work. Sure. It's like it could be pleasures and I always say pleasures and um, um, boas and Shay's lounge and you know, it could be someone feeding me grapes. But also for me, the pleasure was a pathway to my aliveness. Sometimes my aliveness is being in the throes of grief. And even though that sucks, I wanna be alive to my grief. Like I want to, I wanna be like, I lived out loud and I was there through every tear, every heartbreak. I don't wanna call that in, but Right. But like, I want, I wanna be alive.

Leah:

I wanna be present to it.

Erica:

Yes. Like I want, and you know what's funny? Is this work? Yes, it's given me pleasure and da da and da da da. But for, you know a lot of grief that I've, and heaviness. I'm so proud of how I showed up and how I'm showing up. I'm dealing with a lot of heavy personal things and I attribute it to this work because I could sit in, yeah, I could sit in the face of death and be like, okay, we got you. Like I I. Yep. And I could, I could hold this. I could be with this, and I'm glad you brought that up too, with the, with the caveat, with pleasure. I always tell my clients, they're like, I know, it's like my favorite famous line. I'm like don't use these tools as a weapon against yourself. Right. So it's like a, it's a very fine line of like, don't gaslight yourself with pleasure. You know, like, don't, don't, and we have to, and people are like, oh yeah, I was kind of like avoiding going to places'cause I was doing pleasure. And it's, that's a fine line of like Holding, you know, being with it.

Leah:

Yeah. I mean, my experience is like, if you really want the big pleasure, if you want that cosmic pleasure, you actually have to feel all the other things. You know, like you don't, you, it's kind of the reward of going through the tunnel. Like it's kind of the reward of showing up with vulnerability if you want the cosmic pleasure, Tantrika's talk about you gotta actually go into the vulnerable, scary places, because that's what ushers you to that. It's like you can't have one without the other. And it's almost like you gotta kind of pay the piper. And guess what? It doesn't feel as bad as you're imagining. It actually feels amazing to let go. It feels amazing that cry is so, is as good as an orgasm. You know, there are more important places to go than coming. There are really incredible places to visit.

Erica:

Yeah. No, but I'm glad you brought up that, that point. I think that's super important about, about the darkness and about all of the things. That's, that's a huge part of this work.

Willow:

Yeah, I think that, um, you know, the, the pleasures become quite a, a buzzword as well these days, and it's, and so many clients come and they're like, well, I, you know, I don't even know what my pleasure is. Like, I, I'm so used to like, I have a lot of male clients. I'm so used to giving like that. That's where I find my pleasure is in the other person getting off and the other person's arousal and their pleasure. I don't even know what it feels like to lose myself in a sexual experience. You know? I don't even know what it feels like to, um, to, I don't know what turns me on. I don't know what my arousal is. And I think that, you know, we have to start to use the, the pleasure pathways in the body, like actual meridian system in the body and these pathways of pleasure that open through our, our glands and our Chakras and these channels and our physical body in order to start to experience, um, the medicine of pleasure, like the, the healing that it brings and the, um, the vitality that it builds in your life, the longevity that it brings to you as a, as a human being. So what are, what are some of the like, um. I don't know, just like some of the opportunities that you share with clients, like, let's say they are in a deep grief portal, let's say they, you know, the relationship they really wanted didn't work out or the, the home that they thought they were gonna get didn't come through. Or, you know, those big, big losses that seem so astronomical and they really throw you into a state of of shock, A state of being triggered, a state of, I'm not safe in the world, and they go into their protective pattern. So if somebody's in that pattern, they're in that triggered state, like how do you help them get out of it?

Erica:

Honestly, I'm glad you brought that up because that's a huge part of it. Like we might not be presencing pleasure at that moment, or we might, but like our vibe through those sessions, through that time. Is holding them through the grief, holding them through, you know, through the darkness, through the processing. So I actually have to, I wanna throw this out. I, I met someone recently and people say this a lot, but she was like, can I ask you something that might trigger you? I was like, sure. Like, what's up? And she was like, why is your name we the light. She's like,'cause I think you're, I think you're kind of selling yourself short. She's like, I interact with your work and you're so much more than the light. She's like, and I think that's a disservice. Like, you're going to the world presenting, we the light. She's like, but you're a cauldron. She's like, you hold people through their pleasure, their darkness. And I, I share that because, um, first of all, I'm like, I know it's a, it's an, you know, it's a joke to my name with Wiederlight, we light, but I bring that back because that is part of the work is like teaching people how to hold themselves through all of the different emotions, all the different seasons, all the different cycles. And I think for coaching, a lot of times people join the journey'cause it's sexy. You know what I mean? It's like what am I gonna get at the end of this? Like, and I know for me, Like, yeah, like

Leah:

izing. It's like, Ooh, look how cool I am.

Erica:

Yes. Like, what am I, and I've done that before too. Like, I'm gonna be transparent In the past, like I would've signed up for program. I'm like, Ooh, this is be so hot. And so when we hit the block, the, the thing, not the blocks when we hit life and they're like, oh man. It's like, yeah, let's learn the tools and technology to hold ourselves not through just like, ooh, we're in our radiance and were sexy.'cause that's fun and fab. But it's all the things. Um, so I am glad that you. I brought that up.'cause I think that's really important and people don't expect it.'cause I think, oh, I'm gonna work with a pleasure coach. I'm gonna work with a sex coach. It's gonna be so hot. I'm like, it'll but hot in a different way.

Leah:

with more. Yeah. Yeah.

Erica:

Totally. Totally. So that's for me, emotional processing through different, different avenues is a big part of my work and making sure my clients have those. Places to process and have the space to process. So it's not always rainbows, butterflies, and pleasure.

Willow:

Can you give us like some more specifics around, how you would help them in, in those place? Like what would you wanna impart to them?

Erica:

Yeah, so many different things, right? So there's different tools. Like sometimes I do more traditional talk therapy with clients, right? Like we're just emotionally, we're just verbally starting to process. What's going on. Sometimes people are like, all right, I'm scared, but I'm ready. And then we do embodiment work. So maybe we work through rage in their body. Maybe we work through grief in their body. But again, right, like everyone's at a different place. Some people are like, don't make me, don't make me get my body. I'm like, okay. Like maybe we for a few sessions. It just feels safe to process out loud or to journal, or here's some prompts, uh, or I'm gonna create a ritual for you. Um, and other people are like, no, let's go. Let put me in my body. Let's, let's, you know, throw some pillows, scream, I need to, you know, do some breath work around this.

Willow:

Mm.

Erica:

the great news is that you use, yeah, so breath work, movement, maybe journaling, talk therapy, it's kind of like where. You know, feeling where the person's at and what medicine they might need and giving them all the tools, right? Because God willing, they're not with me for, I would love them for, but like I want them to go live their life and have their tools. So make sure that they have their toolbox so they can go and live it, you know?

Willow:

what is like one sort of like pearl of wisdom that you would give to, to sort of everyone in the world who's on this path to self-love, to self-respect to, um, finding their way to a deeper relationship with their physical pleasure and also, um, you know, expanding their levels of consciousness through that.

Erica:

Um, so I think first and foremost, I would, my little pearl would be, this is so worth it, you're so worthy and deserving of it. Um, I've seen it time and time and time again, the ripples of how your life will change, how your community, how friends, family, how people interact with you. It's such a worthwhile cause. Um, and I always say it's not selfish, it's can be selfless. Um, and for me, I feel like pleasure. I'll speak for myself when I'm in pleasure again with the nuances when I'm in my aliveness. My pleasure. I'm in one of the highest forms of integrity because I don't, I'm not like, I don't need anyone. I don't need, I'm not grasping like, ugh. Like I know how I'm well resourced. I walk through the

Willow:

not trying to get anything

Erica:

to get anything. Yeah. I'm not like trying to get approval. I'm not like being sneaky and that's okay. It's human nature, but like, I'm not trying to be like manipulative or sneaky. I am well resourced, I'm well taken care of, and I think that is a gift to my community. And so I, I say that to share, right? Like that it's a gift when we do this work.

Leah:

I like that you used the word integrity because it's really about being in alignment, like, I'm gonna pursue this because it's actually, it lines up with who I wanna be in the world. It lines up with how I wanna live my life. It lines up with pursuing, pursuing, you know, the things I know are gonna make my life beautiful and worth living. And, and beating myself up and treating me, treating myself like I'm a piece of shit is not in alignment with that. And so it's like getting an integrity with how I perceive myself is as important as having integrity at my job is as important as having integrity in my relationship. So if you believe in value, integrity, you gotta change how you hold yourself and, and how you are gonna be the best version of yourself for the world. Um, I really like that you use that language. Tell us a little bit about your free gift. I know you've got an ebook.

Erica:

Yes. Okay, so you're gonna love this.'cause we actually talked a lot about this today. So it's called from perfectionist to pleasure expert, which I was, as I talked about before, like anxiety, like blah, like ripping everything apart. I was so in my head. So we talked about my journey, um, and how I became a pleasure expert and for me how that, how I had in the book there, it's a very short ebook, but it's great tools, techniques, um, how I learned how to be in my radiance, how I learned how to take up space. Um, and again, there's some stories, but mostly tools, which is great. We get right to the core that you can start practicing right away. Um, quick read, lots of tools. It's fab. And I always say to people, take it, read it, ask questions. I'm, I'm not one of those coaches that's like. Far away from my work. Like, I'm like, let's talk about it. You know, or like, I have a question or I have pushback. What do you think about this? Like, I'm like, like, let's talk about it. That's what I'm here for. Like, let's, let's, you know, hold us through what comes up for you.

Leah:

And, uh, if people wanted to work with you, what's their first step in, uh, pursuing that?

Erica:

Love that. Um, so I actually have a ton of free resources on my website, which is we, the, it's on my little thing here too. www.wethelight.org, www dot we the light.org and it's called which you're gonna love Mojo Makeover assessment. And so what it is, is essentially like, yes, it's a discovery call. And what we do in that first 45 minutes or so is it's for real, a free, no strings attached session. We work through, maybe we talk about sexual empowerment, love dating, radiance, all the things. And it's just a session and we feel into it. And then the last few minutes we reserve to feel into is this a match? And if it's not, God bless, you know what I mean? Or if you're like, Erica, I like this, but I kind of wanna work with someone like this. Any recs? Absolutely. So this is just a space where we can dive in, have that free session. If we're fit to work together, great. If we're not, great. But I always say to people, take me up on the offer, take me, because that it might not be there forever.

Leah:

Cool. Well, thank you so much for being on the show. It was such a pleasure. We appreciate all that you gave our audience today, and please make sure you tune in because the show's not over. Oh, no, it's not. We got the dish coming up with myself and Dr. Willow. So everybody stay tuned and love, love, love, love.

Willow:

Thank you so much, Erica. It's such a pleasure having you on the show.

Erica:

Thank you. This is amazing.

Announcer:

Now our favorite part, the dish.

Willow:

All right everyone, we are here to dish it out on our interview with Erica Wiederlight. And, uh, it was so fun just getting to know her and her journey through, um, you know, how, how far she's come. You can really see it, you can really feel it, and um, just. You know, from that place of like self-loathing to that place of, of radical self-love. And I really loved that piece that she brought in around self-respect. I think that's a really integral part of a self-love journey. Um, and that distinction that she made, you know, it's like, oh, I, I gave myself a face mask. Why don't I love myself? I thought that was so cute.

Leah:

Totally and so relatable. Like, yeah, why do I, do I do all these like, um, you know.

Willow:

for myself.

Leah:

Like these wellness practices of like making sure that I take time for myself and

Willow:

I meditated. I did breath work. I went to yoga. Why don't I love myself?

Leah:

Like why isn't this translating into transformation and um, I. Yeah, because it's gotta go so much deeper than that and you really gotta change your thoughts and change your conditioning and using things like self-respect and having integrity, I think are really integral parts of making those shifts. You just have to be careful that you're not using that language to then shame yourself. Like when you do something self-indulgent that maybe. You feel, you, you are worried about'cause you think you're be damaging yourself. I know. As, as an overeater and having eating disorder issues, it was like every time I fucked up it was, I used that as, um, material to like do the self bashing again, when really what I needed to do was make room for the fact that binge eating has been a successful way of getting out of really painful states. So. You know, it has a service. I have to look at actually the binge eating differently. It's not the enemy. It's actually been doing its job, and sometimes I'm gonna still use it to do that job, but can I do it in full awakeness? Can I do it without the shame? And when I, when I practice that I don't, I don't binge the way I used to. It's not as excessive, it's not as dangerous, it's not as crazy. It's not as panicky. Like the whole landscape of that relationship has evolved because I think the power.

Willow:

in it.

Leah:

Right. When you treat it with respect and you see it for what it is not the enemy, and when you respect yourself through the process, it changes everything. I really, I really loved the use of that and I loved how she was like, and then find an object

Willow:

was great.

Leah:

in it. And so catch yourself. Here's a pattern. Interrupt, change. Take it off one wrist, put it on another. I mean, I thought that was genius. Change the rings, put them on another finger. I'm gonna really utilize that

Willow:

Uhhuh. That was a good

Leah:

I loved that great tool.

Willow:

Yeah.

Leah:

yeah, and then the dating piece. The dating piece is, is complicated I think for so many of us. Um, I've definitely worked with people in the dating space and kind of navigating, like feeling all the disappointment that comes from dating and wondering like what's wrong with them and then picking themselves apart. And really, you gotta go deeper than that. So if she doesn't have a one size fits all protocol on how to pull in the beloved, it is. Yeah. First gotta undo some things, some conditioned ways that you see yourself before you can start doing the manifestation.

Willow:

Yeah, unlearning is a big part of the journey. Uh, I think, and it, it's not just, I think so often we identify, well, what's wrong with me and why, why do I need to unlearn these things about myself? It's like, well, it's also just we're swimming in a society and a culture that that's what's ingrained in us. So, you know, we're, we're having to kind of, you know, get out of the water and dry ourselves off so that we can have a different viewpoint, different perspective

Leah:

Yeah. And you know, I think what else? It's like you gotta be coachable. And I think sometimes the problem is like this work will not work for you if all you want is do steps A through Z and you'll be different on the other side. Like you actually have to go a little bit layer deeper than that. You actually have to be influenceable. It's not about like what the coach can do for you, it's how much can you do for you by using the coach's influence to take yourself as deep. As you can go,

Willow:

you have to make it your own. You have to take what you're learning with, with any coach along this path, and you have to make it your own. You have to integrate it into your own life, and you have to become what, what you're, the transformation that you, that you wanna see. And I, I loved what

Leah:

take responsibility for your resistance.

Willow:

Yeah, for

Leah:

not the coach's fault that you have resistance. You are the one who has resistance. Own it, and it might be you need a little bit of time. Might be you need a little bit of space to unravel that resistance, but it's yours,

Willow:

Yeah, resistance is one of those things that, you know, it's like on the other side of sur, it's the opposite of surrender, is that resistance and when we actually meet that resistance face to face, if we keep looking at it and we keep meeting it and we keep going through it, then on the other side is surrender. So, um, thought it was a great episode, great interview. So grateful to have Erica in the world doing the work, walking her talk, and showing up for her clients. So

Leah:

Yeah.

Willow:

much. Loved y'all.

Leah:

Much love to y'all. Have a beautiful night, morning or evening. Love, love, love.

Announcer:

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and positive psychology facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine doctor and Taoist Techology teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget your comments, likes subscribes, and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.

People on this episode

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Dr. Willow Brown

Host
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Leah Piper

Host
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Erica Wiederlight

Guest