The Sex Reimagined Podcast

Leah & Dr. Willow: The Hidden Truth About Male Intimacy That Nobody Talks About | #124

• Leah Piper, Dr. Willow Brown • Season 3 • Episode 124

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Ever wonder why most intimacy advice focuses on women's needs? This episode flips the script. Join Leah Piper and Dr. Willow Brown as they share powerful insights from their recent Tantra teacher training about what men truly need for deep connection.

🎯 EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS

  • Why men's hearts need the same care women want for their bodies
  • The surprising truth about male vulnerability in relationships
  • How aging changes what men need for fulfilling intimacy
  • Creating safe spaces for authentic male desire
  • The three essentials for deep connection: Trust, Presence, and Vulnerability

EPISODE LINKS



KING & QUEEN OF HEARTS. Leah & Willow's King & Queen of Hearts Intimacy Toolkit is on sale. Buy Now. 10% off Coupon: KINGANDQUEEN10.

THE MALE GSPOT & PROSTATE MASTERCLASS. This is for you if… You’ve heard of epic anal orgasms, & you wonder if it’s possible for you too. Buy Now. Save 20% Coupon PODCAST20.

THE VAGINAL ORGASM MASTERCLASS. Discover how to activate the female Gspot, clitoris, & cervical orgasms. Buy Now. Save 20% Coupon: PODCAST 20

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Announcer:

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.

Leah:

Hey everyone, welcome to the Sex Reimagined podcast. My name is Lea Piper.

Willow:

And I'm Dr. Willow Brown, and we're so excited to drop in with you today. We just finished supporting and teaching at, uh, teacher training, Tantra teacher training, and we were just really blown away with, with the men there and what they were going through.

Leah:

what we've been really enjoying lately is getting to know many of our listeners. We are interviewing you and we really want to know what you want to hear on the show. Starting to really curate the Sex Reimagined podcast to our biggest fans and we're really grateful to Ron who wanted to share a little bit about what's interesting to him regarding Tantra and you want to say more about that since you had the conversation?

Willow:

Yeah, yeah, so I was talking to Ron. He's like, yeah, I listened to your show. I think it would be really cool if you guys did a show around, um, how in many, uh, Tantric teachings, there's a big emphasis on what women need in order to open sexually, like they need to feel safe, they need to have a strong container, they need all these things in order to feel connected to emotionally. And so, So there's a lot of practices around that and he's like, but what about the men? Like there's, I want to have more emphasis and I want to hear more about like what men need in order to feel connected to, And so we wanted to kind of drop an episode around what do men really need in order to feel sexually open, in order to feel like they are, um, bringing all of themselves to the table?

Leah:

so, um, we just, like Willow said, got done facilitating a teacher training, um, here in the Sacramento area with Source School of Tantra Yoga. And in that program, there are four home play assignments. Two with which you are a giver to a receiver doing a sacred spot massage practice. And then the other two, you are a receiver while someone gives to you. And then after those home play assignments, people go to their separate rooms to do the lab, so to speak. And then the next day they come and everyone shares what they discovered. And, uh, you know, if they hit an obstacle, we help them through that. We get to hear about their ahas, what they learned about energy, what they learned about pleasure, what they learned about tracking their own system, what they released, you know, so many people have a, have a cathartic letting go. Because someone's really pouring so much love into their system. And it's just, it's always stunningly beautiful. It just will touch you so deeply. And I have been struck in the 20 plus years that I have been teaching with Source School of Tantra Yoga, my breath was always taken away like extra extra when the men would come back from their homework. To me i mean both experiences were always profound the women coming back and sharing their experience would touch me in the deepest ways but there was something unique about the men. Like something drops in in such a sweet way that it's like they, they gush with gratitude and they experience new levels of pleasure. And there's, they feel really moved. Almost all of them

Willow:

Yeah. It, it, it's almost like it helps them to, um, to find this new place of worthiness inside of themselves. Yeah.

Leah:

Yeah. I think there's something about having a woman's undivided attention on them for a full two hours. All them where they don't have to perform.

Willow:

Yeah.

Leah:

Yeah. They don't have to perform, they don't have to give back. And I think it's more novel.

Willow:

Yeah.

Leah:

for like what's regular sexuality between men and women and we'll focus this episode more on heterosexual relationships in this context, though it'd be very interesting to see, um, different relationship styles to women or even like pods, right? Like how these things would vary. So we don't have that data for you yet. We'll stick with this. Yeah. Um, yeah. So we've been sitting with that and thinking about this topic and, and, and got some feedback from Ron. And one of the things you'll notice that a lot of, I would say, Neo Tantra programs, less so probably Classical Tantra programs.

Willow:

Explain Neo Tantra for our audience.

Leah:

Neo is like the new Tantra, right? It tends to be an emphasis, um, on sexuality practices. Classical Tantra is way more about meditation and it's a lot less about sexuality. Just to keep it super simple.

Willow:

And Tantra itself, you know, the word, if you haven't heard us say it yet, which you probably have, but it's a, it's a tool for expansion. It's a weaving of expansion. So it's, it's a practice by which you open up your consciousness to higher states. And so doing meditation practices, doing qigong practices, doing, um, you know, even yoga practices can be a tantric practice. I mean, you can live a tantric life whereby every breath that you take is, uh, an opportunity to expand your consciousness. So, um, when we're, when we're working with Neo Tantra and taking it into the, physical body into the lower chakras, the root chakra, the second chakra, the third chakra, we're really bringing in more physical form. I feel like the, um, the sort of classical Tantra really addresses these upper chakras and the Neo Tantra kind of gets to these more embodied chakras.

Leah:

and I would say that, that Ron's experience mimics much of my experience. I think also it can depend on who's teaching. For sure, you know when it's a male teacher and he's heterosexual he tends to emphasize his experience with women. Yeah. And so he's going to talk more about like the practices that awaken a woman's sexual energy and how she can cultivate that and how she can move that up and how she can heal and the letting go process and the sounding and on and on and on. What we wanted to share is some of the nuances of what men need. And what they're looking for, in many instances, in order to feel more connected and to elevate their consciousness regarding their sexuality and their intimacy skills.

Willow:

Yeah, you know, one of the things that I think men don't even know that they need, like, it's not in their awareness because it's not something that's, um, often given or presented to them is, is to be romanticized, you know, to, you know, for them to have like the, the flower petal trail that leads to the bed and for them to be given a rose and, and to have the candles and the scents, it's, it really helps them drop into a more receptive, open state. They can get in touch with a place inside of themselves. You could say their feminine energy, But it's that, um, it's that connection to, to the, to the yin side, to the receptive side, that I think really can, like, blast open their heart. so, for a man to get that in his receptive heart center, it's, um, it's Just one of the most beautiful things to witness and I actually get to play with the students in these, in these, uh, trainings. She goes into

Leah:

the home play pile.

Willow:

Yeah, so I go, um, do, do sessions with, with different, you know, men on different nights and when I was getting the opportunity to give to, um, a couple of them, it was just like so beautiful to watch their, their whole Um, system re regenerate. It's like we've got these synaptic, um, pathways in our brain. And so these new neuro pathways start to weave where they, they have these ahas or these realizations, like these visceral ahas of like, oh my god. This is happening for me right now, and I deserve it. I am worthy of it. Like, this is something that, um, I have done work on myself in order to get to the level where I can receive this.

Leah:

The way I look at this is we're wanting to up level our ability to run more energy, to run more current. I think we can all recognize that if we had more energy, our lives would be operating at optimal, right? So we're all interested in more energy, and sexual practices can be a gateway to that. And what's interesting when you take a look at circuitry, within your own body, but then circuitry within someone else's body, they can be very complimentary. we can take a look at these different energy poles, much like a circuit in order to plug into a circuit. Um, you have to have a negative charge and a positive charge, just like in order to run a battery, it has a negative charge and a positive charge. The positive charge sends the current out. It's a sender. It's an active station. It is moving the current forward. The negative charge is the magnetic charge. It's the one that receives that, uh, that energy that is being put out towards it. Very magnetic, very yummy. So if we take a look at the body and we imagine that the body has these both negative and positive charges that we can run a lot of current through, we would see, um, a penis owning body and a vulva owning body have different charges in different places. So for a vulva owner, their negative charge, which means where they are receiving station, the magnetic pole, is going to be their genitals. And it makes sense, right? Like, the female genitals, it's tucked in. But you can also penetrate it. It's a receiving station, literally. And if you were to look at a penis owner's body, you would say that that penis is the positive pole. It's a, it's an energy that actually is created outside of the body to literally send and penetrate. So in this case, you have locks for each other's keys and keys for each other's locks. They fit pretty nice, uh, when they are attracted to each other and they are well suited and there's a harmonic situation going on. A lot of current. I mean, just think about sexual energy. Like so much current is being generated there. It is so fiery. And when we are being sexual, we feel alive. We are so connected to the depth of that. Let's take a look at where the positive charge is on a woman's body. And that would be her heart. Her breasts are the physical manifestation of that energy that sends outward into the world. I mean, we, literally nourish human beings so that they can survive and thrive through this positive pole, the plus side of the battery and the breast of the physical manifestation of that. We send our energy out in the world, oftentimes in the request for connection, meet us in our heart. And so then the magnetic pole, that negative charge, the minus side of the battery of a man's heart is the complementary. pole for that positive charge in a woman's heart. And I mean, raise your hand audience if you get what I'm saying, because isn't a man's heart so attractive? Isn't it so magnetic? Don't we want in? I know I do. And, and we all know that a lot of men want in to our, um, our receptive, our receptive vessel. That's right. So again, we have this really beautiful harmonic exchange. Mm-hmm But what's interesting is this is also where we do war with each other when we are unconscious.

Willow:

Yeah. Where we withhold sex as women when we're not feeling connected or we're not getting what we want from our partner. And then where we, um, withhold love, where, where the masculine can withhold love and withold that deeper emotional connection.

Leah:

It's also where we take from each other, when we take without consent, sexually, and when we take emotionally without consent.

Willow:

Which is a lot more unconscious than, um, than we can even say, like, women are doing that pretty unconsciously a lot of the times, trying to get into that masculine heart without consent. without the door actually opening to welcome them

Leah:

in. Another way of saying this is that most of us vulva owners Don't appreciate it when someone acts entitled to our sex.

Willow:

Yeah.

Leah:

You know, it's, it's a privilege to be able to enter someone else's body. And so it gets very annoying. It could cause a lot of upset when someone acts needy, entitled. And they take and they grasp and they pull and they pout and they complain and they whine because they think they have a right to a woman's sex. And so that creates a lot of issues in a relationship. The same thing can be true with the heart. Um, a woman can act entitled to a man's heart as if she just has an automatic right to live there. And, and we don't. Not even mother does. And a lot of men start guarding their heart at a very young age because they've had a mother who's acted entitled to have access to his heart whenever she wants, even when he's angry. And so like, what we're, what we're really looking at is what if we treated a man's heart the way we want men to treat our yoni?

Willow:

What a different world we would be living in, really, truly. And I think it's, um, it's, it's these tender places in our bodies really are, are craving respect. They're craving this, um, you know, honoring and this reverence that, that we can really offer each other, especially when we've had some training around how to do that, how to, uh, be reverent and how to be honoring with each other's bodies and with each other's emotional states. Um, it's just miraculous what what opens up for, for both genders when that happens.

Leah:

Well, and what's also interesting is when we are triggered, our natural impulse is to protect the most vulnerable pole. So these poles are often talked about from a masculine feminine perspective to that that minus sign of the batteries often referred to as the feminine the plus side is often referred to the masculine. So when you think about it, which part of your system are you going to protect first typically the feminine. So man's going to protect his heart. And a woman's gonna protect her yoni, or her pelvis. So, you know, he might be mad at you, but that doesn't, he could still have sex with you. Most women, if I'm mad at you, I'm not letting you get anywhere near my sex. Um, and, and so men also guard their heart. It's like, why isn't your heart open? Yeah. Open your heart. Yeah. I can't feel you. Hell no. I mean, I have women who come to my women's groups and they're often like, where are all the open hearted men? I just want an open hearted man. Where are they? And I'm like, well, geez, are you, are you the type of woman who's safe?

Willow:

To be open hearted with. Yeah! Yeah, and and it is that I think that's the like the synaptic shift that I was talking about that that we get to see with people that we work with is that they they realize that they are safe and that they can choose to be safe with um with certain choice people in their lives.

Leah:

Yeah, and and it makes sense that there are a lot of men whose hearts have been guarded because this is where they've been wounded. This is where they don't trust the women in their life or their romantic partners.

Willow:

Yeah.

Leah:

And so when we are empowered with this knowledge, then our sensitivity goes up and how we approach a man's heart, especially an upset, and learning how to knock on the door of that heart and then be patient, just like we would want someone to be patient with our yoni. It wasn't quite open.

Willow:

Yeah. In the moment as we're dealing with shoving your way in.

Leah:

Yeah. Cause sometimes it's not

Willow:

feel good. It's not safe. Doesn't, no one likes that.

Leah:

Yeah, and we need people to respect when the door is closed, and then to approach it gently, and to ask what one needs in order to open and to go on that journey. And it also, you know, is encouraging for those of us who know that we're closed, to go do the inner work that's needed so that we can have those circuits in harmony, you know. with the people that we want to love with. Um, it can be really helpful and really powerful. So given that, that was one of the areas that we wanted to touch on, because there's really kind of three areas that we wanted to discuss in relationship to this idea that oftentimes this emphasis on what do women need in order to connect? What do women need in order to have sexual awakening, to have full body orgasms, to go to these places of great intimacy? There's a lot of rich conversations around that topic and we wanted to shift this over to what do men need? And this is, this is where this conversation regarding the battery and circuitry and the, the heart and the genitals and its opposite polarity. If we could approach men with more consciousness towards their heart, so that there was a safe place for their heart to blossom. open, connect, we would be getting some of the deep intimacy that women often require in order to open up their sex.

Willow:

Yeah, there's that old saying, it's like, women need, um, connection in order to have sex, and men need sex. Sex in order to feel connected, so it's sort of a er, er, not quite a perfect match, but if we can slow down enough and start to create more a sense of, of safety within each other's nervous systems and really kind of, it is so much about slowing down and like, Finding out what that person needs. I mean, this is one of the, one of the big things that was profound during this last teacher training was how, um, everyone was really like wowed by the intakes that they were doing. So, so when we're working with a client, just like as an acupuncturist, I would get a full, a full intake on somebody's health history, whether they have, they've been through cancer, do they have that in there? Family history. Do they have diabetes? Do they have a hard time sleeping? What's going on with their hormones? You know, I want to know all that stuff. I need an intake. And so we do that same intake for someone before, you know, providing a tantric experience and session for them and In that intake, the questions are different. Yeah. In the, in the intake, we ask like, well, well, what kind of heartbreak have you been through? What kind of sexual trauma, you know, what, um, are your boundaries, boundaries, where, where are you at in your, in your romantic life right now? Are you calling in a partner? Are you happy on your own? Do you want to feel happy on your own? Or are you already in relationships? There's so many things and, um, you know, I feel like I magnetize and work with a lot of divorcees, um, mostly male divorcees. But there's, uh, this, this thing that they really want to rediscover themselves. They really want to find themselves again. They, they may have, they may have, spent so many years in a, in a marriage from the time they were in their early 20s to now they're in their 50s or 60s, and they, um, they've really, they don't, they don't know who they are anymore. So that's, so all these things that we go through in the intake form is what we weave into the session, because when somebody is in an open, naked, vulnerable, receptive place, they can receive things in such a different way. They can receive messages, they can receive affirmations, they can receive pleasure that they are worthy and to, yeah, and receive that pleasure in such a more embodied way. It's going to get in so much deeper. And

Leah:

they can receive themselves, like they can start to really feel into a deeper place inside of themselves that is blocked to experiencing love and pleasure and functionality and the way that their sexuality responses, um, whether they're struggling with ejaculatory control or erectile dysfunction or a broken heart. It's like when you have someone who's really holding the space for you and allowing you to just receive, you don't have to give back it, um, it just opens up the psyche in a really special way because sexuality is a part of the process. We're not leaving out the dirty bits and, um, to actually experience your dirty bits, not being dirty is, is, can be quite a beautiful thing.

Willow:

Because they're not dirty, they're full of actually cleansing and purifying light and pleasure. What, in the, in the olden days, when, when men would come back from war, before they were introduced back into society, they would go through the, the, the priestess temples, yeah, and they would be purified through sexuality because it's like, It's such a deep and profound way of letting go of shit that is holding you back, like letting go of those old experiences, those old, we call them samskaras, these imprints from the past, these experiences that keep stamping out in your current life and you keep seeing through the lens of that old trauma. So it's just such a profound and beautiful way to clear. All of that. Even if it's just for a moment in time, it gives you a glimpse into what's possible moving forward in your life.

Leah:

When we have complications in our relationship and we want to have better sex with each other if we can, you know really look inside of ourselves and notice what we need. Do we need sex in order to open and be connected or do we need connection in order to open up our sex? And it doesn't really matter what gender you identify with That's just a simple question you can ask yourself because you may have a preference. There may be a path in a way that works for you And that needs to be acknowledged, that needs to be cultivated, and that needs to be discussed between you and your partner. Especially if you do it differently from each other. So if I really want to honor, if I'm really craving connection with my partner, maybe I'll show up and seduce them. So I can feel that open juiciness of them in that process of making love that allows them to be even more present with me after the lovemaking is over. I know that is certainly true in my relationship. Matt is like, oh my god, he is a little darling, I mean he wants to help cook and he'll text me a thousand times and I'm on his mind all the time like the connection volume goes way up after we've been sexual Now I'm trying to think do I need connection before I can open sexually I don't know probably not as much. I think what I need is a slow transition

Willow:

Okay,

Leah:

I need to come I need to not go straight to sex I need to come slowly into my body.

Willow:

Yeah,

Leah:

I need to have like that transition of going. Okay. I'm i'm going out from Doing life here with just leah to now transitioning to interacting with someone else in an intimate way and I just need that to be a little bit slower and then my body really opens

Willow:

What's your favorite way to transition

Leah:

like probably a massage? Like get me into my body and or hot tub hot tub's great. Yeah

Willow:

Yeah, something to stop the, the doing the prefrontal cortex mind and the like, work, kind of working mind, you know, and to get into your Heart and your body. And

Leah:

I kind of mean non sexual touch before it goes to sexual touch. So I need a little different touch before we go into foreplay.

Willow:

Yeah, so most women need that and most men really appreciate that as well. They may not need it, but again, it's one of those things that they don't know that they need until they get it and then they're like, oh that was so nice. I also think men

Leah:

really appreciate that as they start to get into their middle years

Willow:

because the oxytocin

Leah:

levels change.

Willow:

Well, the testosterone levels change. Well,

Leah:

so does the oxytocin. So when women start going through menopause, their oxytocin levels actually drop and their need for Bonding becomes less essential. Men's in middle age, their oxytocin levels go up and they actually require more intimacy in order to have fulfilling sex. Yeah. So I think it's an interesting age dynamic. And I think testosterone also plays a big role.

Willow:

Oh, for sure. Because it goes down and estrogen levels rise, so, in men. Um, So it's, you know, all these things we want to take into consideration when we're communing with the other. Like, where are they at in their life? All those things are really helpful to know and, and if you're in a partnership already, it's, it's still not a bad idea to kind of take some time and And, and ask some deeper questions about where your partner's at. You might know that they're already, you know, taking this or that, um, but you might not know that, yesterday at work, they had this really emasculating experience with their boss and they just didn't want to bother telling you about it. But if you do have that information, then you can go directly to their power center. And when they're in that sexually open and vulnerable state, you can re empower them, help to re empower them with words of affirmation. like you are a powerful, integral man and you are a phenomenal partner for me and an amazing dad and you're so good at what you do at work. I'm so proud of you. You know, just putting that out there. That deposit of positivity into their power center after they've been disempowered by somebody else is just going to really build a lot of emotional capital between the two of you. You better bet they're going to be texting you the next day and thinking about you all day the next day, especially in the face of that, you know, person who did disempower them.

Leah:

Yeah, so to kind of recap, what do you want to ask your guy is what opens your heart when you feel closed? What do you need from me when you feel shut down in your heart so that you can open up faster? And how can I be there for you? Another thing is, is how do you feel connection? does that feel easier for you after sex? before sex, what do you need in order to open to sex at a deeper level? And, and then to kind of carry on and talk about, and what makes you feel safe with me? For instance, like quality time, where you're really filled with presence, like how do we actually create intimacy with each other? That means you have to cultivate a couple things in order to have really great intimacy.

Willow:

Trust, presence,

Leah:

and vulnerability. So those are the big three. We have to establish enough trust that we can be vulnerable with each other. And we have to be really present, which means really being in the moment. Um, it's not always easy for me to give my husband undivided attention. It's actually something I'm really honestly not that great at. Um

Willow:

She, she works on it.

Leah:

I work on it. I work on it. And what's so amazing is like when I show up for that, I immediately get rewarded. Like it matters to him. Yeah. And so even though it's not super easy for me to give anything my undivided attention, When I remember to slow down and show up, man, does it come back to me in spades. And so that's a practice I have to continue because it doesn't really come naturally to me. And when I was thinking about this, we were talking about this the other day when we were, you know, in the training and doing these private sessions and realizing like how much presence is required for great sexual and intimate and like swimming in the deep type of experiences, it does take presence. And guess what? Presence takes energy. It's why those circuits, it's why elevating our circuitry and learning to have bigger capacity in our system to run more energy safely, by the way. is so important because presence takes energy, it takes concentration, it takes focus. You have to really be there. And if we are overwhelmed and our adrenals are burned out and we're flooded all the time and we're under resourced, our ability to be present for our lover is greatly diminished and they become very low on our priority list. And so we have to really step back and go, what's going on in our life if we aren't our each other's biggest priority? Because we tend to put the job and the kids and surviving ahead of everything. And this is really where we miss the boat. in having a life that feels like we're thriving instead of just surviving. Yeah, absolutely. You know, another thing that I was really noticing, you know, as a, as a single woman in this soup that we were in over the last, uh, 11 days is, um, you know, there's a lot of women who have had their hearts broken, right? And they, uh, go to this place of no longer No longer trusting the masculine, no longer trusting the men. And then I started to open my eyes and see like, wow, there's plenty of men in the same category in the same boat where it's like, that being able to trust the feminine with their hearts. And I, I do believe that there are men walking around in this world who have never been able to trust the feminine based on their relationship with their, their first feminine relationship, their mother, you know. Yeah, they're caregivers. And

Willow:

so it's, um, it's just one of those things that if you can provide even like a con, you know, a session, like a two hour session for, for a, even a friend, it doesn't, it doesn't, it can be totally non sexual, but just to provide a container, like, let me hold space for you for two hours, let me tell you how, how amazing you are, and, and start to put just little seeds of, of hope to be able to trust that again, the other. And to trust themselves with the other I think is Such a huge gift that we can give to men I feel like that was a lot of stuff that I saw in the men's sharing was like that deep sense of worthiness. There's a a stronger sense of faith in themselves. That they can have that. That they can create that, that they can have, you know, a beautiful woman fully present with them, that a woman will really take the time and put the energy forward to bring that level of presence that allows them to open up their hearts in a way that they haven't before.

Leah:

Yeah, that really allows them to rest. You know, there was one person who was really moved, um, his Dakini or priestess for the night said, I've got ya. Like you can just lay back and really receive. I have got you. You can rest. Nothing is expected of you. I don't need you to perform. I don't need you to stroke my ego. I don't need you to take care of me. I've got me and I've got you. And to feel like, oh, and she freaking meant it and she delivered on it. And you know, at 50 something years old, he says, I've never had that in my entire life. And it's such a huge

Willow:

gift.

Leah:

And just it's, it's can be life changing.

Willow:

It's a game changer.

Leah:

Yeah. And then to just hold someone else's sexual nervous system is a thrill. I mean, there is something really, really beautiful about touching someone else's body and you feel deeply received. To have someone receive your gifts of touch and of presence, that eye contact's there, those affirmations are there, how you're stroking and arousing their body is met with like unconditional love, without an agenda, and someone's just there for it. It's very healing and I think that might surprise a lot of people.

Willow:

Yeah, definitely.

Leah:

I think maybe the third thing, um, is being desired. One of the things that a lot of men report is feeling under desired. There tend to be the ones who have the desire. And so they're out chasing and looking to fulfill those desires. But they really feel like, God, wouldn't it be amazing if someone desired me the way I desired them? If my sexuality wasn't made to be dangerous or unwanted or annoying or too much. Um. You know, sometimes in our relationships we can have mismatched libidos, and that can be really painful for couples.

Willow:

Um,

Leah:

and so, oftentimes the one with the higher desire level just longs

Willow:

to feel. For the other to desire them at the same level. Yes, because they're always kind of

Leah:

being pushed with, not right now, leave me alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, that's, that's, that stuff. And so a lot of men are struggling with wanting to know like, how do I get that? Yeah. And so one of the things that I think is really an amazing double gift is that as women, when we learn to cultivate our desire, it becomes a major gift for us. Yeah, then that desire gets to go out in the world and it does amazing things for the world. Includes including the men that they desire.

Willow:

Yes,

Leah:

and we have not normalized female desire the way that we have normalized male desire even starting at puberty when it comes to wet dreams and boys masturbation and Um, you know, we're still taught that men are the ones who want it, so they should be the ones that know how to do it. And what that does is it stops girls and women from investigating what we like, what we want,

Willow:

like,

Leah:

what turns me on. We're never posed that question. And so our answer tends to be, I don't know. I don't know. Try

Willow:

something. I don't know. I'll let you know.

Leah:

Oh, yeah, try something. I'll tell you if I like it. That was my pet answer for years. And that's not a good answer. Um, a better answer is I don't know, but I'm willing to find out. Yeah. And so how do we take that journey forward? And when we do, I think men will feel more met sexually.

Willow:

Yeah. I mean, well because they're meeting a woman who has Sovereignty over her sexual energy, and really understands how to move sexual energy through her body. Um, you know, we're, it's great when you come across someone who you have amazing chemistry with, and oh my god, the fireworks are going off and it's explosive, and it's just like you can't not just be all over the place with them. But how often does that happen? More often we get into long term relationships and it's like those sparks and things start to fade away. So how do we keep them going? How do we find a way to generate Shakti and sexual energy, Jing, Chi within our own system? And then can we even take that out into our day? Can we take that, you know, out into the park or out into the, to the wilderness and, and connect with nature? And, and use nature as a regenerative way to, um, to feel ignited, to feel alive, to feel sexually turned on.

Leah:

Well, one of the interesting things that came up in our episode with Irene Fehr. Um, who talked to us about highly sensitive people is she talked about spontaneous desire and, um, uh, responsive desire. And when you're in the beginning of the courtship, the person who has responsive desire They're getting it in spades in that first courting, you know, you're texting all the time. You're on the phone for hours. You can't wait to see each other you take you're going out. You're having adventures. You're doing things that are unusual. You're going to dinner. You're going to walks. You're going on more fun and interesting dates so that responsive desire is at an all time high which is matching the spontaneous desire so you'll look like a great match Right, in the beginning. And then as time goes on, we get used to each other, and then we move in with each other, and then life goes on, and now we've got the daily grind, and we're no longer generating interest and responsive desire, which is what a lot of women have. And so we're really, really, what would be fun is for us to cultivate a lifestyle that is filled with a lot of curiosity, that is filled with some of the things we loved in the beginning, and Which just gets kind of harder and harder to do.

Willow:

Well, this is where the presence comes in. And the consciousness. Like to maintain that presence and that consciousness throughout the whole relationship. And I think, you know, if you can, if you're getting into a relationship early on, it's to like build those things into, into your time together, no matter if you're living together or not. You know, it's like every week we at least once a week we do this activity together. Or at least once a week we did this activity together and it could be something that's a little bit more invigorating. Like I don't know go play pickleball

Leah:

Things will change depending on the season in your life if you're raising little kids priorities are going to be a lot different than when you are graduating kids from high school.

Willow:

Yeah or

Leah:

when you're Retiring and so on and so forth.

Willow:

And so it's good to get creative with these things. There's a, there's a deck of cards out there. I don't know the name of it, but, um, it's like, it's, you know, you pull a card every day and there's like a different activity that you can do together. Those

Leah:

relationship cards are actually really great because they get you talking. Yeah. And when we start to have different types of conversations, yes. And

Willow:

that

Leah:

will be a connection builder, which will always tends to lead to better sex. So there's this other piece that I think we can do to help men feel more safe. with who they are as sexual beings that I believe will really serve who they get to be as partners and as humans because we brought this whole thing around due to how we're approaching women's sexuality in Tantra and we really prioritize the goddess. Yeah. And that's actually been a really great thing because we needed a cultural shift in how we are approaching female sexuality. So female sexuality can really blossom and, and Look, we got the short end of the stick for a really long time. Yes. But now as we have a really sincere desire to turn towards men, and that is to hold a certain space where we are not judging who they are as sexual beings. Where we start to create a nonjudgmental field for them to rest in that says, even if you, even if your desire is not something that turns me on, I'm still going to be safe. I want to be a safe person for you to share those desires with. Like to really work on your desires don't disgust me. I'm not going to reject you because you have desires. And I think that that is a very untapped conversation that women aren't having because the truth is there's going to be some male desires that do scare us.

Willow:

Yeah, I mean we've all been guilty of being like, uh, no way I'm not doing that with you You know and just really shutting down a male's, a man's desire

Leah:

And there's

Willow:

another way to do that. Yeah so much so much more Healthy.

Leah:

I mean, you can hear someone's like, kink for feet and go, tell me more about that. You know, I don't really want, my toes sucked, but I wanna know what, why that's compelling for you and, and what makes it sexy for you. And, and tell me about how that turns you on. When you can be curious about your partner's desires, that doesn't mean you are agreeing to fulfilling their desires. What you're agreeing to in that moment is to say, I see you. You matter. What turns you on is interesting to me. And tell me more about that. In no way, shape, or form are you saying, Okay, now I have to do that. So, unplug from thinking you're obligated

Willow:

That's a big one. to fulfill

Leah:

your partner's desire. It's often times enough that you just hold a non judgmental space to make it okay that they have some desires. Not all of our desires, including my own and yours, that I have Does that mean I even want to fulfill them? I mean, we can have some really awesome desires that we would never engage in. Right. Lots of reasons. Right. You know, they're just, they're hot in our head. But to talk about

Willow:

them, to talk about them and share them. And it's such a vulnerable thing because there is the fear of judgment. Right. The risk of judgment. Yeah. And who wants to be judged around one of the most vulnerable things we do in life, which is sex. And, um, you know, on that, on that same note of like, of just really holding a very open and committed to that non judgmental space is, a lot of men will, you know, be, they'll drop into such a deep, relaxed state they're stressed out too. They're running around, they've got a lot they are holding up. So when they drop into that deep relaxed state they may not be hard right away. Or they might not get hard the whole time. They might just rock a soft-on the whole time. And to revere, and to honor, and to just cherish their soft on and to have fun with it, and find your pleasure with their soft on. It really allows a man, especially if he is struggling with ED or, um PE premature, premature, you know, having a hard time with ejaculatory control. It's just so, it helps him take pressure off of himself. Notice that when we have pressure on ourselves, we do not operate as fully. We're not as authentically in our essence in those states. And so it's so great to, to really bring that. Non judgmental tone to any connection you're having, but especially an intimate one.

Leah:

Yeah, I think you're bringing up a really healing aspect to all of this, which is, um, highlighting sexual performance and how scary and vulnerable it is when you don't feel like you're functioning right, or you feel like, you know, there's something wrong now with your sexual energy and how it's performing unlike maybe a previous time in your life and um, and how we can show up with greater sensitivity if our partner is struggling with that. Because I think in some unique ways men identify with their sexuality and as a part of their identity as a man with a capital M in a way that a lot of women don't. Yeah. Um, and so for us to turn up the volume on being sensitive and mindful and being very aware that we are not shaming or ridiculing, but we're even creating a place for them to be naked. To be touched, to take the pressure off their performance, and to allow them to feel loved, regardless of an erection, is actually, like, so tremendously important.

Willow:

And regardless of their age, and regardless of the shape of their body, and regardless of the skin, and just regardless of all of it. Because we're all, we've got, we're all walking around in these bodies, you know, and they come in all different shapes and sizes and different ages as we age. Um, there's so much stigma around what beautiful is, what, what attractive is, what sexy is. And, you know, sexy is a sensation. It's a feeling. It's like, you can be in any body, in any age, shape, color. And if you're feeling that sexual energy rolling through your body and you're channeling it, you know, in a way that really lights you up and makes you feel alive. That's what sexy is. And I think that, um, definitely, you know, the, the way that we look and if we're, you know, moving in the right way is a huge thing for women, but it's a huge thing for men too.

Leah:

Yeah. Yeah. So there's just a little drop in the bucket. Wanting to celebrate men and who they are as sexual beings and some of the process with which we can show up with more love and more safety.

Willow:

Absolutely. And if you have anything to add, write it in the comments. We want to hear from you. We want to know, you know, what really struck you as like maybe an aha from what we spoke about, or if it jogged something in your own experience, in your own thought process that you want to add to the pot here and And then we're going to start a more of a conversation around how we can support the masculine to find their, their freedom and their, the nonjudgmental and an open space to be in their virility and to be in their sexuality.

Leah:

Yeah, please teach us all in the comments and let us know what works for you and what doesn't work for you so we can continue learning. Alright y'all, love, love, love!

Announcer:

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and Positive Psychology Facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine Doctor and Taoist Sexology Teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget, your comments, likes, subscribes, and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.

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Dr. Willow Brown

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Leah Piper

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