The Sex Reimagined Podcast

GS Youngblood: Why Nice Guys Finish Last and the Hidden Reason Women Lose Attraction | #121

• Leah Piper, Dr. Willow Brown, GS Youngblood • Season 3 • Episode 121

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Are you a good man struggling to find your footing in relationships? Author G.S. Youngblood reveals a powerful truth: many men today are caught in a painful cycle. They want to lead with strength, but anxiety and self-doubt hold them back. When their partners express disappointment, old wounds surface, triggering defensive reactions that erode trust and intimacy. In this episode, Youngblood shares his proven framework for breaking free from the "nice guy" trap without swinging to toxic masculinity. Whether you're a man seeking to show up more powerfully in your relationships, or a woman wanting to understand your partner's journey, you'll discover practical tools for creating deeper connection while maintaining authentic masculine presence.


LEARN HOW TO:

  • Stay grounded during emotional triggers
  • Express your needs without losing connection
  • Create safety while maintaining strength
  • Transform relationship conflicts into opportunities for growth


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Leah:

Welcome to the show, the Sex Reimagined podcast. You, did you know we have a fan club hotline? All you have to do is click on the link. it's right there in the show notes and you can leave us your thoughts. You can send us a message. We get it as a text, but here's the thing. We aren't able to reply directly to you and we love to reply directly to you. So leave your email address, so that we can send you a reply if you had a question as an example. But we really want to thank you personally for leaving us a fan mail comment. so I want to give a shout out to Rachel. Rachel, thank you so much for listening to the show. I am Leah Piper, your co host for the Sex for Imagined podcast, and I'm with my co host,

Willow:

Dr. Willow Brown. And today we had the pleasure of speaking to G. S. Youngblood, who's the author of The Masculine in Relationship and The Art of Embodiment for Men. So he helps men really find what it means for them to stand in the masculine within relationships, especially within relationships to women, to the feminine. And, uh, it is just a really powerful, uh, he has a whole blueprint that you're gonna love to learn about. He's got it really mapped out very well and very curated, and it's, um, powerful the way that he's helping men move from the old paradigm of what we've always sort of known masculinity to be into creating a new paradigm that works.

Leah:

in the modern world.

Willow:

in the modern world. So tune in, turn on, and fall in love with GS Youngblood.

Announcer:

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.

Leah:

welcome G. S. Youngblood to the show. So happy to have you.

GS:

Yeah, thank you very much for having me on, ladies.

Willow:

Yeah, we're so excited to drop in with you today I think there's so few role models for the masculine in the world right now. And so I feel, I was just having this conversation last night. It's like, you know, is it harder to be a woman in the world right now or a man? You know, it's, it's, it's toss up. It just depends. I feel like so many men are like, I'm trying to hold the mask and I'm trying to hold it all together, the family. And it's just, it's very stressful. Their, their adrenals are as shot as the women that I work with. So, um, we're just thrilled that you're with us. Can't wait to dive in with you. And you've got sort of a roadmap to offer our audience. So we're excited to hear about that.

GS:

I like what you said because, you know, if I just look at my clients as a, as a slice of the world population of men, you know, most of them are very good men. They just don't know what to do. They're actually confused. And then in their confusion, they don't act very relationally. And then what they find is that their partner just gets increasingly more, um, stressed relationality between them. So it's, it's, um, It's, it's, uh, there's a common dynamic out there among these men.

Leah:

You know, you've written two books, the Masculine in Relationship and then the Art of Embodiment. Which one came first and which one do you think is important to establish when you're working with men first?

GS:

Yeah, definitely the first one, the masculine in relationship. I published it in, right in the beginning of 2020. It was right before the pandemic, actually. And, um, that's the, that's the foundation. Because what I do is I present a model and a framework of what I think is masculinity. And you know, there's a lot of confusion in the world. I think both of you know that for men, we already touched on that. There's like, well, I want to be more in my power and my, and my partner wants me to lead more, but I literally don't know how to do that. And I don't know how to get myself out of this trap that I find. And so that's what the masculine relationship does. It lays that groundwork and it just, it's broken into three parts, which I'm sure we'll get into. And my message to men is if you embody these three parts in your life, you will occur in the world as more masculine in a very healthy way too. And I think that's important to note. So that, that was the first one. That's the foundation. The art of embodiment is, is kind of one piece of that. It very, it very much talks about the first part of my framework about men getting more grounded and it's, um, It was, it was a joy to write. It's a little bit more of a geek out than the first one. Um, but it's, but it's important work for men for

Willow:

So, can you tell us, like, in your work and in your opinion, in your experience with working for, for so long with men, like, what are some of the transformations you see men go through inside of themselves when they learn how to be more in that, um, masculine role while being in relationship

GS:

Uh, the, the, I think the archetype of the guy that comes to me is there's a lot of anxiety in the system. And so he's, he's just all jacked up all the time. So he's very reactive. And then the, the, the, the more he's reactive, the more upset she gets because she doesn't feel heard and seen. And then she gets amped up and then he gets more scared. And it really, you know, it's hitting his nervous system. It's hitting his childhood wounds and everything. So. one of the, one of the first things I work on and one of the things that I really love to hear is. That they're really benefiting from the embodiment work that we do. And so they're just, what they're finding is just like their nervous system is just coming down ever so slightly. And even, even 20 percent more settled nervous system is a lot of extra space. And then with that more settled nervous system, they're a little bit more here now in the moment. So if they're, they're relating with their partner, they're just a little bit more here now with what's actually happening rather than reacting to this imagined threat that their nervous system sees. So when I have a guy. I mean, this is my answer to your question. When I have a guy that comes back and says, man, GS, I've been doing the, the, the, the exercises from the art of embodiment or the ones that you showed me in our coaching session, and it's been about 10 weeks or eight weeks. And it's really helping. I'm feeling more grounded because from that place, when you are more grounded. You start to live your life out of choice rather than wounding reactivity. And that's, you know, that's the nirvana for all of us relationally is moment to moment. We're choosing how to be rather than just playing out a script that's in, that comes out of our wounding. And that's one of the most rewarding things that I, that I hear from my clients.

Willow:

Mmm. I love that.

Leah:

I love that. too. I've got so many questions are pouring in. Um, What are some of the stories, what are some of those wounds, what are they coming into class with? and because I'm sure there's a theme with a lot of these guys.

GS:

The, the most common one, and I think the easiest one to understand is just, I had a parent that was, that was hard to please just, you know, to put it simply.

Leah:

Right. Sure.

Willow:

overcompensating. Oh, especially if it's the mom's funny at my mind went straight for the dad, like the dad that you can't live up to or something, you know, that father figure.

GS:

It's, it is both Willow. It is both. But here's the thing about the, is the with when it's the mother, that's a feminine being. So when you're in re, if the guy's in relationship with a woman, he sees the mother's disappointment through the eyes of his lover sometimes. And that was a, a beautiful quote or paraphrase quote that I got from Sam Keane, who's a really great author from way back when. You see the mother's disappointment through the eyes of your partner. And so when she's upset, like you just left the socks out, like he sees, you know, the totality of his mother's disappointment in him and that mad scramble as a young boy when he's not as powerful in the relationship. So there's a definite power differential, you know, scrambling to, to get the approval of the mother. And it's the craziest thing. I think. You guys probably know this as well as I do. That power imbalance from childhood just somehow gets magically transported into your adult life. And even though it's so silly, you know, objectively, it's so silly. You still feel that unspoken power imbalance sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, but particularly in moments of relational stress. And then, From that place, that's where guys get, they go wacky. And what I mean by wacky is we get defensive. That's our number one defense because it's like, I can't tolerate this disappointment for my lover slash kind of my mother as well. And, um, obviously you're not consciously thinking that, but I can't tolerate this disappointment. And so I'm going to scramble to not be, not be the bad guy here. And That's one thing that I, I assume your, your audience is at least half women, if not more, but you know, the thing I'd say to the women out there is just know this about your man. Disappointment is often our kryptonite. Your disappointment is often our kryptonite. When we feel you disappointed in us, it's very, very hard for us. And I say that not to say don't ever be disappointed us because that's a natural part of life, but just know that it has an outside, outsized effect on us and that, that, that is the source of a lot of our non relational behavior.

Willow:

Yeah. You know, on that note, I feel like a lot of, uh, not all men, but maybe for, for many, a piece of that too, is like, If, if mom's disappointed in me, then I'm not going to get nourished. Like I'm not going to get fed. I'm not going to get, you know, what the, the things that I need to kind of keep me alive. So for some, it can be all the way to that, you know, sense of survival. So when that's triggered inside of relationship later on in life. Um, it can really bring up this reaction that we, you spoke about in the beginning of like, you know, I'm, I'm going to react in some way out of, out of fear, not out of presence. So, um, you know, this word samskara is one that I like to toss around and it's basically like they're bringing those imprints of the past into that present moment and then acting from those exactly what you were just explaining earlier.

Leah:

And so if someone is listening right now and they find themselves sort of crippled when they experience that disappointment and they really are familiar with what you're talking about, What are some of the steps that help them do a pivot. What's the appropriate way to respond?

Willow:

Yeah, like if they catch themselves in that moment, what do they do to shift?

GS:

Yeah, it's, it's, but it starts with the catching. That's the hard part.

Willow:

Yeah, right.

Leah:

right.

GS:

I know I sound like a broken record, and in fact I am. Um, they gotta get their nervous system grounded first before they do anything. You know, you can have all the cool techniques, uh, that you want, but they all escape you when you're all fired, you know, when she's all fired up and you're stressed. They just, they fly right out of your mind. So you've gotta get, you've gotta get grounded first. And so embodiment, embodiment, embodiment is, is, you know, there's other things too, but that's, that's the, that's the number one thing that I recommend. Um, I guess I'll just say it. And then, you know, for guys, if you haven't done any trauma work and you do have trauma in your past, go do the trauma work, EMDR and neurofeedback. And I mean, I think talk therapy is good, but it's still talk. It's still cognitive. So I'd say do some of the other body based Um, somatic experiencing is another one. There's options out there for guys, but get, get a handle on that. And then once we get back to the past, the somatic part of it, then I do want to give them some cognitive know, crutches. And, um, one of the quotes from the book is be unafraid to lose her And I, I want to explain what I mean by that. Lot of guys live in fear of losing the relationship. And it's not even a considered fear. It's just sort of, it's back here. It's just like, ah, if you could, but if you could come to a relationship where you're not afraid of losing the other person, you know, it'll suck, but you'll get through it and you don't want it. Maybe it impacts the family or the kids and all of that. You can't, you can't, you know, ignore that, those pieces, but But if you can lose that fear that drives around losing your partner by speaking your truth and stating your true needs, then you're freed up to actually be a real, authentic human being in that relationship. And so that's what I talk a lot about, guys, of trying to get them beyond that fear of losing their partner so they can actually start to speak their pain, they can start to speak their needs, um, start to speak their ouches in the relationship. And that has proven very powerful. Once they lose that fear. So that's one of the constructs that I give them to help them in these, these cases.

Leah:

You know, one of the things I see in relationship dynamics is you have one person upset with a case of, I don't know if it's disappointments or complaints, right? It's like, I don't like this. I don't like this. This isn't working for me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. How many times have I told you? And then you have another person who wants to counter. It's like, well, there's this, and what about you do this, and you do this all the time, and it drives me crazy, and I don't ever say anything, da da da da da. So we have two people who, um, immediately stop listening, and go on the defense, and now we're going through the rolodex of complaints. Nothing ever gets resolved. Regarding like that, that person's feelings who spoke up feelings first. And I imagine in many scenarios, it's women who start this conversation. Um, and I know in my relationship, one of the ways that we've countered that. Is when Matt says, Hey, I don't like this. And my first reaction almost always inside my system is. But, or defense. And I've gotten enough space between myself and that response to go, let me see if I can find it. Let me see if I can find the thing he's talking about. And it might be that I can't find the thing that he's relating to that's between me and him, but I can usually find where someone else has complained about that

Willow:

In you.

Leah:

So I can find it, you know, usually 10 out of 10, I can still find it. What he's talking about, regardless if I agree with his story. And that immediate, I can find it, diffuses the situation. Where all I have to say is, you. know, I can find it. And then that takes the air out of the fight. And then it's just a matter of, so tell me more about that. And I might still be a little edgy. I might still not really like this conversation, but I'm coming from it now from a different angle beyond, here's my laundry list of things I don't like about you.

Willow:

Yeah, you're, well, you're more receptive. You've dropped yourself into a more receptive, open, ready to listen kind of state, like, and so then you can actually be his experience of what's really going on for him.

Leah:

But what I'm wondering is, are The men that you're coaching, Are they coming from a place of being able to actually hear what's underneath their partner's complaint? Do they have the bandwidth to avoid the defense?

GS:

The way that I described the dynamic you do just described, or at least a version of it

Leah:

yeah,

GS:

is, you know, your partner, Hey guys, your partner comes to you with a complaint and the complaint is, is this, and there's probably some truth to that. But what happens is often. Her past and the ways that maybe her father mistreated her or whatever, or another man or a brother, like somebody in their life did something that is kind of like that and what it does is it creates an amplification. So instead of like, hey, this little thing right here is not working, it's like, it gets amplified with the past and then it's like, okay, now I want you to swallow this shit sandwich. And the guy's like, I cannot swallow that shit sandwich. It's too big.

Leah:

right.

GS:

so what I, what I coach guys to do is you need to be the one that can kind of pull apart the kernel of truth in that from the amplification. Own the amp, own the kernel of truth. The minute you do that. And this is, I think ties into what you were saying, Leah, the minute you own that little kernel of truth, all of this will just kind of go away. It'll fly away. It'll deflate really quickly. But the problem is guys see the whole thing. They're like, I'm not swallowing that. That's not all me.

Leah:

That's not my truth. Right. Yeah. Yeah,

Willow:

I feel like that's an opportunity too for men in that moment to like really step into their masculinity and feel their own sovereignty in that moment of like, okay, that is not what's happening. And that is not what's true. I mean, I've actually witnessed men who I'm like, where is the man in that man? And it's not until that moment that I can see them standing in their sovereignty around.

Leah:

That's interesting because I really wasn't seeing, you know, I was looking at this going, I don't really see this as a gender perspective. I see this as a, everybody does this perspective because half the time, and I think this is something men especially do, is they have waited. And they have waited and they have let it roll off their shoulders. How many times before they even bother giving a voice to something that's been annoying Like they'll just endure it, endure it, endure it until they can't endure it anymore. And then it can kind of come out with a punch. Um, and even then I, a lot of men I know are actually, that comes out pretty gently. I think women bring the punches more than men. Um, So, I'm sort of noticing, like, I bet Matt doesn't bring something up to me until, like, until three years later that it's been stewing inside of him, because he just doesn't want the fight.

Willow:

Well, he does run that enduring pattern pretty heavily too.

Leah:

Yeah, yeah, so maybe that's just him. But, so that's interesting. I'm just, you know, commenting on your comment, Willow. Um, Yeah. GS, what do you have to say about this?

GS:

correctly identify that we handle things differently and we're speaking with stereotypes, obviously, but so, just speaking to that. Your guy, when you feel something, you feel it big and it comes outward. And then when we feel something, we crunch it down we turn it inward. And then therein, therein lies the difference. Um, we can both be really generous. Like I want to coach men. And of course, for me, I want to aspire to this in my own life. I want to be big enough that I'm bigger than her. The, the fa I call it the father wound. You know, I just refer to it as that. I just, I'm, I want to be bigger than the father wound. I wanna be so big and so wise that I see the kernel of truth and I can own it. And I can see this, this part that is more of her history could be a history that includes me or doesn't include me. So it's both. But I can hold that with her and have a lot of generosity and compassion to know that that's my baby hurting. And I know it comes out at me, but I, I'm wise enough to know that it's not really about me or at least not fully about me. There's a piece that could be about me. So that's, that's what I want guys to be. He's bigger than the father wound and so lovingly generous that they can help her hold that wound. And, um, and I, I think in general, that's something that builds a lot of loyalty in your partner when they start

Willow:

Absolutely. Yeah.

Leah:

ding. I, I think you're naming something so dramatically healing. My most healing relationships with men have been with men who can do that. Who can look at me from across the room when I'm completely melting down and losing my shit. And see my pain, and, and see, which is, it looks like fury from out here, but right here it's so much pain and anguish. And when they can just recognize like, wow, you're really hurting. And I know that like, whatever this is, it's not you. It's, it's a collection of your conditioning. That's right here at the moment. And. I love it, and you, and the essence of you, and I'm sorry you're hurting this much, and it's like, it completely, um, shocks my system and now I'm ready for that hug, where if, if it had come with more judgment, and, um, recrimination of my behavior, and how intolerable my behavior is, then it would just continue to escalate, and that hug, I would push away that hug, So far away from me. But when they meet me with some of that unconditional love and they see behind the mask of fury, uh, boy, does that like cut down on so much drama? I repair so much faster. I'm not then like whipping myself with shame because, Oh my God, I've done it again, I've blasted the room. And then I notice over time. I'm actually not going into the chaos like I did 10 years ago every month. Now it's like every other year and it's just, it's so profound what you're talking about that I really just wanted to punctuate that with my own experience.

Willow:

I'm curious, uh, GS, like, you know, obviously a man has to be resourced, he has to be like, you know, educated, he needs to drop into his nervous system, find that sense of presence in order to be able to do, to do what Leah's talking about, what you guys are talking about. But I'm curious, like, if men who have children, specifically daughters, are, are, are more easily resourced to be able to do this than men who don't have children at all.

GS:

It's hard for me to speak for anybody else. I have a daughter. Uh, you know, she's my middle child and, um, definitely helped me know the feminine more.

Leah:

Blessed middle child.

Willow:

I always attract men with daughters for some reason and I can, and I can see that, that difference in them too. So I'm just curious what your take is with all the men that you've worked with over the years.

GS:

I mean, I don't know if you guys have kids or not, but childhood, definitely it makes you be more open and empathetic and being able to sit with the, the, the craziness of a child melting down, so yeah, I can speak from experience there. But I did want to mention one quote from the book that really speaks to what Leah was just saying was There's a quote that I really like, um, it says, hear the pain, not the blame.

Leah:

ding.

GS:

You know, you're going to, you're going to get, you know, there's a, there's a pain there and then, and unfortunately sometimes it gets injected with some blaming and shaming. It's just natural. We don't like it, but it's natural. But if you can see past that, see past the blame to the pain, you're going to be, I go, the phrase I use, I'm like, guys, you're going to be uniquely Attractive to your woman, if you can do that.

Leah:

Yes, yes. And, and how does a man's attraction change for his partner? Or does it change when he starts to do this work, healing some of his own stuff, changing his perspective on how to hold this relationship?

GS:

It can be profound. Um, One of the things I say in the book is, guys, stop trying to change her. You change yourself, your way of being will shift, create a shift in her and she won't even know it. And so that's what's happening is the guys are showing up different. And if they don't talk about it too much, I always coach my guys, don't talk about our coaching. Don't try to get a gold star because you did the coaching. Just do it. Just live it. And then, you know, he shows up different, and suddenly she's nicer to and she's open to see him. Open to sexuality.

Willow:

weird how that works, isn't it?

GS:

it's crazy.

Willow:

Well, because it cr it creates a sense of safety. You know, I always like to use yin and yang. The glass of water example, it's like this glass of water is tall, so it's a good container. It's a good, high, strong, tall container. The, the essence, the water within it can rise. So, think it's like if men are really learning how to be that stronger container, um, the feminine has more, they feel safer, they're more apt to, um, let their essence, their sensuality, their eros, their erotic nature flow within that container.

GS:

As two women. Tell me if you would agree with what I'm about to say. Sometimes it may not be conscious, but sometimes the bigger, maybe the bigger expressions of pain and, and, and, and, and energy are bigger because you now have a history with a particular man of him not hearing you. And so it's like, I need to be heard. And so it gets louder. And I know my woman, she gets louder, the less I listen on a particular topic. And so it's speaking to what you guys both just said about feeling safe. And then kind of the, the sort of getting calmer over time. It's like, you, you trust you'll be heard. That's one of the, I think the key things for the feminine in relationship is that they trust they'll be heard. They've, that trust has come from it being demonstrated in the relationship by their partner. And so I'd say that to guys, like once she, she knows you'll, she'll be heard by you, you're going to find that the, the, the peak moments start to come down. There'll be less of them over time because she, she knows you'll hear her, but you have to back it up. You actually have to be there and being open to her perspective.

Leah:

It's a, it's a tricky thing, you know, I've been accused of being shrill. Don't like that, um, feedback of being shrill, uh, but I can find it, like I said before., I can really, I can really map out the times in my life where I was accused of being shrill often comes from, um, not being listened to. I mean, I even have a couple of friendships where, um, you try to establish a boundary, you ask for a boundary, you tell the person no, you tell the person no, you tell the person no, they just won't take no for and then the next no, here comes Mrs. Shrill, and um, and it's so unpleasant, and when that's happening repeatedly in one relationship or multiple relationships, that frequency of that. And there's a lot of shame around being the person who is being shrill. and I'm curious how much this happens in some of the relationships that these men are in. At what point do they realize, I'm kind of with, I'm kind of in a toxic Feminine. I've got, I'm with a partner who doesn't take any responsibility for their stuff. And as they do this work, they start to realize, you know what, I am more valuable. I am worth something different. This isn't the right relationship for me. I'm sick of attracting the same kind of woman with the same kind of problems who, uh, is self centered. Um, does that happen? Does this work sometimes lead to these men ending their relationships as they do their own inner work? It does.

GS:

A common, I won't say it's common. Let me say, there's a certain segment of my client base and they come in with the same question basically, is it me or is it her? Should I stay or should I go? I mean, that's what they're grappling with.

Leah:

Yeah.

GS:

And that, that's the, that's the ultimate relationship question is it's like, because that's what we're battling over. No, no, it's your fault. No, it's yours. It's just that really comes down to that. Is it your fault or my fault? Um, what I tell guys, I say, look, based on what you've told me and the way that you show up, you can't even think about that question for now because you don't know if it's her, if it's your way of being is going to create those conditions. So I'm, I'm pretty sure you're playing some part in this. So I say, look, I say live the blueprint. So the framework in my book is called the masculine blueprint. I just say live the blueprint for six months, really. Let's do our work together. That's why you came to me. And live it for six months without demanding that she change or be different or fix her shit or anything like that. Then see what happens. And if at the end of that, she's just you know, not open to you. Nothing you do really opens her. Then you start to have that conversation. Um, but you, you have to live it. You just don't know if it's her or if it's you until you really bring it for some extended period of time. Um, and then you have a lot more information to then make that decision.

Willow:

love, I want to hear about this blueprint. Can you

Leah:

Yeah, let's dive into the

GS:

Sure. Yeah. Um, let me just say why the so the blueprint is my offering to the world. Hey, this is what I think the masculine is. And this is a, this is a hotly debated topic. What is masculine? And, um, Lots of, lots of rancor in the world about that because some people equate masculinity with toxic masculinity and, you know, we've got to pull those things apart. So for me, it's like, what is masculine? And as I, 14 years ago, I got divorced and I, I was pretty emasculated at that point because I was just, I just gave up all my needs and wants to try to keep the peace to keep her happy. And little did I know that that was actually part of the problem to begin with. But I couldn't find any resources out there. So I said, I'm going to create my own formula for what it is, a healthy masculine, that also fits in the modern world. We are not in the 1950s, obviously. So we're not trying to roll back the clock, like an Andrew Tate and kind of whatever he's out there trying

Leah:

That boat has

GS:

sailed.

Leah:

Yeah.

GS:

Yeah. It's something that's like, we live in a me too world. So if the framework doesn't work there, so the, the blueprint is not, you know, it's about your own sovereignty, but it's not about impinging on anybody else's sovereignty or needs or their own power. And so I break it down into three elements, and the first is respond versus react, and this is about getting grounded. And you've, you've heard me talk about this at the beginning of our conversation, getting your nervous system grounded. And there's a, you know, this is about a man with, with a grounded nervous system. There's a quality of stillness to him. There's a quality of choicefulness to him. And it all starts with him having a lot of inner clarity. Inner clarity about what he wants and needs and his boundaries, uh, attunement to his partner. So he knows what her needs, wants and boundaries are. I mean, attunement is a big part of, of what we're trying to do here. And, and, and, so that inner clarity is, is leads to the second part of the blueprint, which I, I should have introduced, but the second part of the blueprint, which is, um, around leadership. And it's, I call it provide structure. And so that's where you bring this inner clarity and then bring it out into the world as structure and direction and decisiveness and qualities like that. So that's the second part of the blueprint provide structure. And then the third part of the blueprint is create safety. And this is a lot about creating emotional safety and connection with your partner. And I'm telling guys all the time, if you don't, if she doesn't feel emotionally connected with you, you're screwed because everything's going to be harder. And so building that emotional connection with her and creating safety for her makes everything easier. And it's the thing that guys are not that good at. So it's, there's a, there's a lot of fertile ground there for working with men around how to build more safety and connection with their partner. So respond versus react, provide structure, create safety. That's the, that's the three part blueprint.

Leah:

so this piece around establishing emotional What are some of the things men can do to establish that if it feels like it's weak in their partnership?

GS:

You know, emotional connection is, um, it's surprisingly straightforward. I, it's, it's harder to do, but it's, I think it's straightforward to understand some of the elements of it. Um, number one, Receive her state cleanly. And I think we've talked about this a lot. You know, if she's all fired up, how much can you hold space for the emotions? And I think everybody gets that. And so I teach guys, how do you, how do you, how can you interpret her way of being when she's fired up? How can you feel into it? How can you, you know, skillfully do the Aikido to really handle the big emotions, but also be there. And so we go into like, how do I actually do that? We all know we need to do it. Everybody knows that it's like, okay, but how do I do it? So that's one. Two is getting her world. Um, this is, um, this is powerful men having curiosity about their woman. I think most women would tell you they know their man better than their man knows them.

Willow:

That

GS:

And so,

Willow:

commonly heard.

GS:

yeah, yeah. So teaching guys around curiosity and how to really get their woman's world is powerful. And then third is sharing your own state. I mean, we all know guys internalize. And many women sort of suffer because of that. It's like, you know, are you in there? I don't even know you. Yeah. Where are you? Yeah. And so getting guys to share. And so I, I go into some deep methodologies about really being able to, to feel what's inside. And then being able to express that in a way that she can actually feel, not just kind of talking from my head and cognitive information, but can you feel me? Can I express something to you where you really feel me? And that's when, that's when couples get closer,

Leah:

I think that's also the key to attunement.

Willow:

I was that too. Yeah. Attunement, you know, it's so valuable to practice it within relationship, within intimate relationship, because the most triggering places in our lives, because when you're good at it there, you can do it. At work, you can do it with your friends. You can do it with your kids. You can do it in so many other places in your life. And it basically is creating a sense of coherence, right? Inside of your own nervous And then that that can create a sense of coherence between the other person. It really starts to create cycle of, of more trust opportunity to be vulnerable. And then that's when we're really starting to let And, um, seeing the true, the truth of who we are rather than the reaction

GS:

true, Willow, so true. And so that's what I'm trying to get guys to do. It's like, how do you do that? So we practice this together. Them really sharing deeply and feeling deeply. I make this really clear with the guys, though. I am teaching them what I would refer to as a more masculine style of being with your emotions. We both feel deeply. Masculine and feminine both feel deeply. It's just what we do with them. You guys feel, you feel it even more than us, and it goes outward in a lot of cases. Again, we're stereotyping. So for guys, we're, we're crunching it down. And so we don't want to, we're not trying to have them have the same expression as the feminine has. There's a masculine style. You feel deeply, but you express judiciously. And so that's, that tends to get open guys up. They're like, Oh, okay. You're not trying to turn me into a woman. Okay, good. Cause I want to be masculine.

Willow:

So say, say more about that. Expressing judiciously. Yeah. I like that terminology.

Leah:

Why is that so hard?

Willow:

bit for us. Yeah.

Leah:

It sounds so good. It sounds so like reasonable

Willow:

whole chapter in the book?

Leah:

and

Willow:

Express judiciously. I can't even say it.

GS:

going to be the whole next

Willow:

Yeah. There you go. Yeah. Yeah.

GS:

Yeah. Yeah, you, you, you feel deeply, which is, that's not, guys aren't doing that today. So I'm really encouraging them to feel deeply and we do that in my workshops and things like that. And then the judiciously part is, um, comes out by choice. You choose which part you want to share and then you're very succinct about it. Yeah, that's, that's kind of, I mean, that's it in a nutshell is you, you

Leah:

Yeah,

GS:

don't, you don't express everything. And you don't just blast it out, you express it judiciously and succinctly. You don't explain it, you don't go on and on, it's just like, I feel this.

Willow:

So, so there's really a sense of discernment that has to be developed inside of the man in order to express judiciously.

GS:

Yeah, exactly. And you also need to know,

Leah:

I'm sorry. I'm laughing I have the reason why I'm laughing so hard is because like this is so the opposite of how I express myself It is like

Willow:

You don't

Leah:

galore.

Willow:

judiciously,

Leah:

of Everything that could possibly be Felt, it is the fabric of every sensation,

GS:

yeah,

Leah:

and this is definitely how men do not communicate. It's like the difference between a highly filled estrogen brain and one that doesn't have as much estrogen,

GS:

totally true. And by the way, I want to say, Leo, I don't, I mean, we don't know each other personally, but it's like, that's, that part of you also makes you probably super fun and awesome and delightful to your man. I mean, that's probably a lucky guy here. Yeah. Yeah. So.

Leah:

you for saying that. I agree. It's a delightful part of my character.

GS:

Exactly.

Leah:

Unless it's very obnoxious, and then you might need to take a time out.

GS:

Yeah, sometimes we need timeouts. Yeah, for sure.

Leah:

yeah. So anyways, I didn't mean to interrupt your flow.

GS:

Yeah, it's okay. Um, there is something I'm teaching men. It's like, sometimes the masculine burden is to suffer in silence. And so I tell guys, this is not a license to complain about everything now and everything, you know, ooh, it hurts. Like, sometimes you gotta suck it up. And that's something I would never coach a woman to do. But for a man, I'm like, yeah, sometimes you need to shut the fuck up and suck it up. And, and know that that life's not fair. And, you know, she may have said something hurtful, but it, you know, it may be time to set a boundary. It may be time to just step to the side and let that fireball go by. So sometimes that's part of the masculine burden. So the, the discernment is in weaving all of those things together. And Healing deeply, expressing judiciously, um, being able to handle some pain when that's your burden is to just suffer in silence. And that, to me, that is the emotional journey of a man and what I'm trying to teach guys to master in their own lives.

Leah:

That's

Willow:

You know, as you were talking about that, I was kind of thinking about a scenario with some clients I was working with where, you know, she was having, she was having an emotion, she was having an issue, she was stuck on this thing, and she kept trying to express it and explain it to him, and he kept trying to override with his own explanation, well, this is why I'm doing that, and this is the reason, and here's how you should feel about it, and, you know, all these kinds of things. And, And, um, she just looked at him and she was like, nothing, you just said changes the way that I feel, you know? And, and I feel like, that's an indicator that men can look for is like, has, has her emotion, has her feelings shifted? That means you have successfully, judiciously done your piece, you

Leah:

But I imagine that also feels very impotent for him to feel like Okay, I I get you still have this problem and I've been so reasonable in my explanation I've hoped that I've made sense of this for you now Why do you still feel stuck and they still feel stuck and they must feel impotent after that. What do you, where does he go from there when he, she's not influenceable in those moments.

GS:

Yeah, I, I say if she's not, if it's clear that, that, that things aren't changing or she's not an influence of all the word you used, it means that you're, you're coming at it from here. You're not even talking the same language. You might as well just yell French at her and she doesn't know French. Because that's how much it's going to make sense to her. And so I'm like, she doesn't, she doesn't want you to tell her why she shouldn't feel the way she feels. She wants you to feel it with her. And feel joined in, in what she's doing. Yeah. If you do that, Mr. Client, I'm guessing you'll be more successful. And so that's, that's usually what it is, is she just can't feel you feeling her. Um, that's powerful.

Leah:

think also the other thing you were saying about trying to understand her world is trying to understand her, and everybody wants to be understood. There's an innate human desire to be gotten, and you may not agree on the past, you may not agree about a situation but when you're understood, it makes the fact that you don't agree on it ok because you get each other. And that allows for a little bit more of a peaceful setting down of the issue until something changes.

GS:

What you said was just. Like one piece of a whole collection of relational skills that we all need but again my target audience being men I'll say men really need because it just makes things so much better. When when you feel gotten when you feel felt when you feel Understood like just everything just goes better. And so it's so important for guys to have these relational skills.

Leah:

Because you feel like there's, now you're in partnership. You're not at war with each Now, instead of facing the problem by facing off with each other, you can at least start to face the problem, head on this way instead of this way. Um, and for the audience who's listening, I'm pointing my hands to each other where, when we're in partnership, we're, we're both facing the problem instead of facing each other. And, you know, I've struggle to remember to do that when faced with obstacles. It's a good reminder. You know, one of the things I wanted to. Bring up before the close of this interview is your take on sort of that darker primal yummy Masculine that has gotten a real bad rap but I feel like for a lot of women boy would they open more sexually if they received more of this like darker masculine. Um, and it's pretty controversial, I think, especially hot off the heels of the Me Too movement. I think a lot of people are confused by that. I think a lot of women are confused that they may want that, um, maybe in denial of that. It's like the reason why they're so, they're hungry, but they don't know how to get fed is because they actually want to be ravished. They want kind of a bossy guy in the bedroom. We want, many of us, especially those who are more lean against the hyper feminine side of the equation wanna bottom, wanna surrender, want some of those power dynamics, wanna their hair pulled, you know, want that, like, bend me over and take me. So I'm kind of, I'm using a lot of words to describe part of what I'm attracted to in some of that darker masculine energy.

GS:

I don't know if you would use the same language. So I wanted to ask you about that. What does that mean to you what you work with? It Cool. I say men, this is what, and again I'm talking stereotypes, but this is what your woman wants, she wants, you bring a lot of light, you're caring, you're good to her in the bedroom, and you know, but it's, it's a lot of light energies, and she's craving from you some dark energies. By itself, The dark leads to bad stuff, misogyny, sexual abuse, all kinds of things. The light by itself gets boring because it's, it's nice, but it's nice. And so I'm saying, guys, she wants you to bring the dark and the light. It's that governed by the heart. And I think that's the, that's, you know, in our, in our charged world of how we talk about these things, we just note that we want to bring the dark Not by itself, but governed by the light. And so can you bring, um, that ability to, to, you know, find your inner growl and, and, you know, come here, baby turn around, you know, unbutton my top button, you know, just like there's the voice commanding her with voice or maybe moving her body. And so I just, I tried to, I tried to name it as innocuously as possible, just leading in the bedroom. This is leadership in the bedroom, but a big part of that is that energetic supply. I want you. And, um, and that's what we try to cultivate in men. So I do a lot of embodiment practice, um, to do that. Um, I bring in these amazing female coaches, um, to work with the guys and get them to really inhabit that in the face of the fiery, beautiful, fierce, feminine. Um, so it's a lot of, a lot of fun. Um,

Willow:

That sounds great. Where are these workshops taking place?

GS:

Say that again.

Willow:

Where are these workshops taking place?

GS:

Yeah. in Santa Cruz, California, which is just South of San Francisco.

Leah:

we both lived in Santa Cruz.

Willow:

I live there now.

GS:

You know, you guys live, you both are there now.

Leah:

I recently moved up to Sacramento. Yeah. But

GS:

okay. Shit, we're all in the same, I'm up in Menlo Park.

Leah:

Okay.

GS:

Yeah, I did not know we were all here.

Leah:

Yeah. How

Willow:

in the North, Northern

Leah:

so the grounding, I'm just, because we're running out of time, I'd love to circle back and see if there's, what can you teach our audience about becoming more grounded?

GS:

it's more of a technique. Um, and I, I always hate talking about embodiment. Just, you know, quickly, give me a quick practice because what's important is what's underneath it. The practice can actually be super duper simple. The practice could just be a breath. But the principles in which you breathe are really the important thing. Um, so I, I get frustrated with teachers that they're just like, Hey, do this exercise and it'll be cool. Because I, because it's kundalini. so there's so much more to it, I guess I'm just expressing my excitement, but let me give you a quick technique. This is, it couldn't be more simple. Part of the problem in the relational space is that, um, our awareness, where our attention is, I mean, there's some of it on you and some of it on thinking. about what I need, but a lot of it is on my ruminating mind. That mind that's going, uh oh, uh oh, uh oh. And it starts at the nervous system, and then the mind jumps in to make my nervous system try to calm down. So defensiveness might be one of my mind strategies, or if you're upset, I have this story of you're just being a bitch. Like, that's the story in my head. That is my compensation to my anxiety. And so our awareness is on the thinking mind. Well, what if we could just kind of wrestle some of that awareness away from that thinking, defensive, compensatory mind, put it somewhere else. Well, let's put it under the bodily sensations. So let's just say I'm in front of you and, and, and, uh, you know, we're having an argument that that's, anxiety producing for me. And, and some ways, one of the things I'll coach guys to do is let's say the two people are standing is don't zone out, but take some of your awareness and just send it down to your feet and feel your weight on the ground. So even while, you know, X percent of your attention is still with me because we're relating, we're having a debate or a discussion or an argument, but just feel your weight on the ground. So you guys can do it. Even though you're not standing, just do it on your butt, which is in the chair or whatever you're sitting in. And you can still see me. You can hear me, but can you just feel your weight on your butt at the same time? What you would find, I, I, I basically, I would just say, I guarantee this would be the case. You, what you would find is that the, kind of the, this awareness that you have blasting the other person and focused on your, your, your ruminating brain, some of that's going to get pulled away and turned towards sensation. And you're going to notice your anxiety go down noticeably. in the moment. Just by feeling your weight in the moment. Just feel it. There's no epiphany. You're not picturing. You're not thinking about your weight or your feet or your butt. You're just feeling that sensation of weight while you're with the other person. And if you can start to just rest some of your awareness there while you relate with anybody, that's great. In any situation, what you're going to find is that there's just less of that going on in your mind. And it's just going to slow down. Because the mind is going a million miles an hour. It's projecting into the future. It's, it's worried about the past. It's never right here right now, but sensation is always right here in the moment. It's only right here in the moment. So when you put some, some of your attention, even a small amount on sensation, It anchors you and tethers you to the, to the present moment more. And so I use this all the time with my woman. I mean, she's fiery. And so she gets fired up at me and I'll just, I just say, remember, remember my feet. And I just drop a little bit of my awareness down and I just feel my weight. And suddenly I'm freed up to be a little bit more spacious, a little bit more present, a little bit slowed down with her. And it happens in the moment. So that's not a practice, uh, that you would do to train. It's just, it's just a technique that you use in the moment. Yeah. So that's, that's one piece of embodiment, using the bodily sensations as an object of your awareness, and then all the goodness flows from there.

Leah:

I love that. It brought to presence to me just like being in relationship with the gravitational and just feeling like, yeah,

Willow:

Each one of our senses, yeah, we're earthings, each one of our senses are doorways to presence, so that sensation in your body, auditory

Leah:

you know, GS, there's like a buzzword called, uh, the good guy, right? It's like, is that, is that, is that what it is? No more Mr. Good Guy. That's a buzzword. The nice guy. Right. It's the nice guy. anything you want to say about what that is in our culture? Because I imagine you, you have a lot of nice guys who are, are looking for help.

GS:

Yeah, definitely. Yeah, nice guy. Yeah, I mean, I think the historical part of it is we just swung too far, you know, we used to be misogynistic assholes, and then we swung all the way to nice guy, and hopefully we'll swing back to the middle. There's some part in the middle, but what a nice guy is, is, and I think this was best defined by my buddy Robert Glover, who wrote a book on nice guys,

Leah:

right?

GS:

nice guys pretend they don't have any needs, so they can just like, stay out of trouble, or, or not, uh, not attract too much attention, not, not cause trouble, trying to make everybody else happy, and then inside they're seething, that, their needs never get met, even though they pretend to not have any needs. And energetically, the nice guy, here's his radar, this is my signal for radar, like he is frantically scanning the world and other people for what the safe thing to do is, so that he won't get in trouble. And so his radar is out there and there's, there's very little of his radar that's internal. Like, what do I want? And so that's why, I mean, you as women probably sniff a guy out like that in five seconds.'cause you can just see like there's, there's no, there's nothing there. He seems very. Riveted on what everybody else needs and wants and is doing rather than resting in himself and you, you can, you know, where he stands and you can orbit around that and in some way, um, that's what nice guys do. So, what I, I try to work with guys who are like that. It's just like, let's, let's turn some of that attention back into you. What is your inner clarity? About what you think the moment calls for, what you need, what she needs, what others need. And then how do you take that into leadership? And so that's what I work a lot with guys on. It's about turning some of the awareness away from everybody else and more internal to what you want and need. Youngblood, MIR, that's Masculine In Relationship, the name of the book. Um, and I would just say to the, to the men out there, do the work guys. Your life and your relationship will get a lot better. Your life will get a lot better. And, and to the ladies out there, you know, encourage your man to do the work. Um, leave the book around the house. That's usually a good technique.

Announcer:

Now, our favorite part, the dish.

Leah:

G. S. Youngblood.

Willow:

I love talking about men's, men's work. And, and, you know, he has a real sort of unique take on what the men's work, you know, being in relationship to the feminine and, and what it means to really, um, hold that masculine container and attune. I'm so glad he talked about that, you know, attunement to, uh, whatever your woman is going through is. It requires a lot within men. I think there's a lot of expectation on men to, hold a certain container and to hold a certain level of masculinity. And it can be a little, um, overwhelming for them at times, overwhelming for their nervous system. So if they can drop into that embodiment piece, feel their feet on the ground, you know, bring awareness to their senses. So they're actually in presence. I mean, that's all it really requires coming into presence, which we can do through our senses very easily. And so I think when, when men learn how to do that, I feel like women might do that more naturally, although I have plenty of women who can't do it at all until they start practicing as well. It is just a practice.

Leah:

I think it depends on how flooded you are.

Willow:

Yeah,

Leah:

know, if you're really flooded, it's really hard to do, even if it seems simple.

Willow:

Yeah,

Leah:

And that's why it's like being, being in your awareness of when you know that you're present that can really help you notice when you're out of presence, you know, I think some people just don't even know what that means. I mean, it's a buzzword, but what does presence even mean? Um, and yet, all it really means is being in the moment.

Willow:

right. It means, it means that your, for me and what I'm always teaching people, it means that you're in a state of receptivity. Like you're able to receive somebody else, what they're going through. You're able to receive the environment around you. You're able to experience, um, things in a more open nervous system state rather than, um, just trying to muscle your way

Leah:

But I can see why some people might go, that doesn't sound comfortable. Like I don't want to be in an open receptive space. I don't even want to be open. I don't trust the shit that's around me. Why would I want to be open to it? I don't like the way this person acts. I don't like the way this person is. The world is dangerous out there. I mean, I'm hearing women's voices right now, not really men's voices, of just going like, I'm not, I'm, that sounds foolish and dangerous. I'm not going to just be in an open state. There are too many like fucked up people out there, you know, like there are people who just like refuse, like the idea of being in open state and just receiving people sounds like, like dangerous advice. Um,

Willow:

it depends on your environment, where you are in the world, and your ability to trust yourself with environment and

Leah:

I think also like, it really kind of shows to me that points out when someone reacts that way, it kind of points out, well, there's your work right there, because what you're doing is you're blocking yourself from a lot of goodness, if what you're afraid of is all the badness. Yeah. And the world is actually a much kinder place than what you project. And the chances are, is you've come by that naturally. Something growing up was dangerous. Somebody taught you that other people can't be trusted. And so you might have some really good reasons to believe that because you've been dealt, um, some

Willow:

hand. Yeah. And that's, that's an opportunity for growth, for evolution, for change. And so I think you have to pause. That's one of the big things I love to impart to people is pause. You know, pause long enough to be in that moment of like triggered reaction. I can't be in receptivity right now because I don't feel safe and I don't trust myself and I don't trust this situation.

Leah:

don't want to take in your anger and I don't want to take in your abuse and I want to take in your upset. Yeah.

Willow:

So pause long enough to catch where, what, what you've, what you've created around you. What environment is happening in the moment that you're in. And then pause long enough to get yourself out of it to a place where you can open. And it is a journey. It's not something that happens in a day. It's something that you do over time.

Leah:

no, and I want to name two distinctions with what you're saying, because one is like, there's a difference between being receptive and being open. I think if you can start with being open, it means you're open to being curious, to understand the environment around you. And when you can be open and you're, and you're standing back and you're taking in, maybe that would be receiving, and you're observing rather, What's in your environment and what's open and what are what's what's happening Then you can have discernment for what you want to be receptive to

Willow:

yeah

Leah:

and so if your first step is just to be open And to be curious you can see wow, like my partner is really upset. They're really hurting right now Well, I really want to understand what's happening for them. And then you allow yourself to sort of receive from your heart What has them aching? You know, then you can be in empathy. Then there's your opportunity for attunement. You know, you're really recognizing that something important's happening here and you can get underneath them. And maybe what's important in that moment is to kind of close out the energy that's around you so you can really focus on them and they can feel safe continuing to open. So if you're having a hard time being receptive, maybe try getting open.

Willow:

another distinction I love this um let's just keep refining and defining this because I think like even receptivity it doesn't mean that you're necessarily taking in other people's stuff.

Leah:

But can't you see, like, when the word receive, yeah,

Willow:

words get so char yeah, there's so much connotation to each word, but it doesn't have to mean that. It just means that you're meeting the moment with presence, right? And there's that word again where this all

Leah:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Willow:

I'm just trying to define and like help people viscerally understand what it means to be present. And um, it's like when we're, even this word acceptance, you know, acceptance is medicine of the heart, discernment is medicine of the heart. These small intestine and heart, how they're paired together in Chinese medicine. It's like this relationship that when we have a sense of acceptance, okay, this is what's happening. I don't necessarily like what's happening. It's not the environment I want to be in, but let me, let me accept it, meet it where it's at so that I can actually make a shift that is sustainable, discern from that place and make different choices.

Leah:

Yeah, one of the things that, um, I try to give my clients is to imagine that instead of having like a protective wall around them to try to stay safe in the world, that they think of like that they have that they're wrapped in a cell, you know, that they have this protective bubble around them, but it's a healthy cell. It knows and can recognize healthy nutrients. You know, it can recognize good energy. It can recognize blessings and, and, and important things that they want to be attending to. It allows those things in. And a healthy cell also knows how to block out disease and pollution and, other things that are toxic. It's a healthy cell, and that cell becomes healthier and healthier the more we put our attention on it. It's not a wall. If you were to build a wall of protection, you're basically building a prison. No one can get in, and guess what you can't get out. And so like, don't go building walls. Don't go building these walls of protection. It's okay to want to be protective. That's what healthy cells do. They protect you. But they can take good things in. And so when you bring awareness to like, yeah, I can be open and I can be receptive. And I can still be protected at the same time. It's not an either or, it's an and. And the more attention you put on these things being healthy inside of you, guess what? The more healthy you are, because that's what you're putting your attention on. If you're putting attention on all the threats out there, guess what? All you're going to see are threats. And you're going to bypass all the things that are there waiting for you to, um, deal with. Embrace that are really beautiful.

Willow:

Yeah,

Leah:

I, you know, one of the things, you know, back to, back to GS, um, I really liked him talking about this distinction with men getting in touch with themselves and their own emotions, but doing it from the masculine, if your model has been watching women do it, and that doesn't attract you.

Willow:

Mm hmm.

Leah:

kidding. Yeah. Like, let's validate that. Like, understandable. You don't have to do it the way women are modeling it. You can find how you do it. And you taking that step will have women opening to you.

Willow:

Yeah. So valuable. What, how he's guiding women, uh, guiding men and teaching them to find their own, their own path within it. Because it is, we have such different brains and such different chemicals running through our bodies. And we, we need to find different ways of, um, of finding this path to attunement, alignment,

Leah:

Yeah. And I'd love that he has that practice. With each other, you know, it's like, let's as just men get together and watch how other men do it. And, and I'm sure they fall into a lot of really beautiful, deep vulnerability.

Willow:

I bet they do. I would love to be a fly on the wall in one of his workshops. Wouldn't that be fun?

Leah:

Yeah. And I really love having men on the show who are doing this work. You know, we had, um, Freddie Zental Weaver. We had Alex Mishka and Leonard Lau and Damien and now GS. And, um, if you know someone who's doing really great work in this space, we'd love to have them on the

Willow:

Send him our way. All right, y'all.

Leah:

Have a beautiful day or night or morning. Love, love, love, love, love.

Announcer:

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and Positive Psychology Facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine Doctor and Taoist Sexology Teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget, your comments, likes, subscribes and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.

People on this episode

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Dr. Willow Brown

Host
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Leah Piper

Host
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G.S. Youngblood

Guest